The Now or Never Kind

Matt decided eventually that we were being way too serious and emotional, so we had to go out and do something stupid. Get back into the swing of things before tour and all that. I sat on the couch with Vivienne and made fun of her inability to knit while he made a few phone calls in the kitchen. When he returned it was with a pair of Snack Packs and orange soda.

“Hey!” Viv protested as he tossed me one.

“You live here,” he replied incredulously. “You can get your own damn pudding.”

“You’re a terrible guest, little brother.” She shook her head solemnly as she set her failing knitting in my lap, distracting me from vanilla pudding. “Showing up with only a day’s notice, stealing my food, bringing people over…”

Matt sat beside me, wincing. “Oh, yeah, I invited a few people over.” I snickered around my spoon as his sister groaned and commenced telling him off. Out of love, of course.

I had only barely touched my pudding when the doorbell rang; I’d been busy fixing and improving upon the little hat that Viv was knitting. She made Matt get the door, since it was probably whomever he’d invited. I didn’t bother getting, or even looking, up; it was probably just Beth and Didi.

“Hey, princess,” came the greeting after a kiss got planted on my head.

I jerked, dropping a stitch, and blinked at William as he walked around the couch and sat on the other end. “Hi, Bill,” I replied, probably overly cautious, watching him pick up my pudding and start eating it. “Sure, you can have some.” He beamed toothily at me.

I turned around, dropping the knitting in my lap, and leaned over the back of the couch to look at Matt. “You’re a sick bastard,” I hissed with fervent accusation and wide eyes.

“What’d my brother do now?” Vivienne asked, conveniently wandering back into the living room. Her face brightened at seeing our guest. “Oh hi, William! I haven’t seen you in forever!” Matt wore a seriously Grinch-like smile—complete with curling lips, I swear—while I glared at him and the other two caught up.

“I’m going to kill you,” I breathed in Matt’s ear as I passed in walking to the kitchen.

“Drummers are hard enough to find, Pen,” Vivienne said, walking in after me. “Plus my dad’ll take issue with you killing his only son.”

I stopped and gaped at her. “Is your superpower supersonic hearing?”

She nodded, smiling. “So… why are you killing him?” I groaned to myself. Viv laughed and kept her voice low. “You have a crush on Bill, don’t you?”

I licked my lips, thinking of how to word it. “No,” I decided slowly. Her eyebrows rose sceptically. I smiled nervously. “You know I love you too much to be crushed like that?” Viv tilted her head confused, and I sighed. “Pink Spiders. Little Razorblade. Anyway, I spent the night at his place during the storm.”

A wide grin spread across her face. “Ooooo! And…?” I must have started blushing because she bounced and again went, “Ooo!”

“Vivienne, stop squealing!”

“Matthew, stop being ugly!”

“Only when you do!”

I shook my head and returned to the living room; I picked up the knitting and sat myself downin Bill’s lap beside the only other sane person in the house. “Siblings,” I muttered. He chuckled, nodding.

Eventually when they stopped arguing, Vivienne grinned at William and me, having finished her knitting and resigned myself to boredom, staring at the ceiling. “Well, aren’t you two cosy?”

My eyes went from the ceiling to her to Bill, who looked at me uneasily, and I shrugged. “Sitting next to someone does not mean you’re marrying them, Viv,” I reasoned dully.

Viv stifled a smile. “Uh huh,” she muttered before rushing on, “So when are these girls coming, Matt? The caustic redheads?”

Then Matt’s phone conveniently rang, and it turned out to be Didi from the passenger seat of Beth’s car asking what the hell kind of back-assward directions he’d given. It sent him outside to the front steps, and Viv… went somewhere else—Subtle, I thought wryly—which left Bill and me alone on the couch.

“She isn’t being very sneaky,” he said, putting his arm around my shoulders. “Even for her.”

“I heard that, William Eugene!” a call came from across the house.

“Eavesdropping on friends isn’t very polite, Vivienne Marie!” I called back. Bill and I grinned at each other and he looked away sheepishly. Well, this is fucking awkward. He doesn’t even know it. Instead of bringing it up, I decided to change the subject. “Did you eat all my pudding?”

He leaned forward and picked up the plastic carton from the coffee table. “Of course not. I left you a few bites.” William scooped out a spoonful and I captured it in my mouth. “There’s, like, one and a half more.”

“You bitch,” I laughed, taking the pudding cup.

“Two and a half is a few.”

“It was my pudding!”

“I’m sure Viv will let you have another one.”

“Psh,” I scoffed, grabbing my orange soda and taking a sip, “She didn’t even let me have the first one. Matt went in and stole it.” I replaced the can on the table and settled into the couch only to have William kiss me firmly on the lips.

Matt cleared his throat at the door. We broke apart and looked wide-eyed at him, Beth, and Didi all grinning at us in varying degrees of amusement. “You want us to leave you alone?” he asked smugly. I glared maliciously at him.

“She had orange soda on her lip,” Bill excused, pointing at me.

“Uh huh,” Didi said disbelievingly, crossing her arms. “And this is my natural hair colour.”

“What is your natural hair colour?” Matt asked curiously.

“It’s top secret!”

He rolled his eyes. “What-the-hell-ever.” He beamed at me. “C’mon, kids! We have randomness to experience!”

Matt then danced off, presumably to grab his camera and tell his sister we were leaving, and we all snickered at his ridiculousness. Didi coughed once I hopped up, hugged her and Beth, and asked how they’d gotten on without me. I furrowed my eyebrows and she rolled her eyes over to Bill, still sitting on the sofa.

“Oh!” I shuffled back, smacked his hand reaching for my soda, and pulled him over. “I don’t think you two were ever properly introduced. William, this is Didi, my favourite Irish import. Deirdre, this is Bill, my second-favourite Chicagoan.”

They shook hands and Bill pouted at me. “Second favourite?” he repeated. I shrugged.

“Just be glad you rank above Wentz,” Beth commented.

“Alright, bitches,” Matt announced, hobbling back into the room. This struck me as somewhat odd until I realised that he was dragging Vivienne, who was attached to his leg. “We’re leaving. And dammit, Viv, Ronnie’s barely small enough to still do this.”

“I wanna go out and be irresponsible!” she whined. “Take me with you! Save me from paperwork!”

He sighed loudly. Like he was the responsible one in the room. “I asked you if you wanted to be our merch girl years ago, and you know what you said?” She pouted, eyes all big. Matt cleared his throat a put on a whiny, girly voice. “Noooo! I don’t want to work for my little broooother! I have a reeeeeal job!”

I hid my smile behind my hand as Vivienne stuck her out tongue at him and pushed him away. “Fine, ass. Don’t include me.”

“Well, why don’t you meet us for dinner somewhere?” Bill suggested. I pressed my teeth together, trying not to react to his hand sliding across my back, out of everyone’s view. Er. Well, it started on my back. “I mean, I don’t know what we’re doing in the meantime…” He looked to the rest of us for some ideas.

Beth smiled. “Oh, we’ll think of something,” she said easily. Matt gulped audibly. Didi and I exchanged a grin. “Now let’s go! I’m driving and one of you redheads has got shotgun.”

“Oo! Me!” Didi cried, hand shooting into the air.

I chuckled and stepped away fromBill the group. “You go ahead. I just need to grab a some shit.” ‘Some shit’ was just my wallet and sunblock, as it turned out. I hate carrying a purse and I didn’t see a reason to bring more items.

When I returned, nobody had moved except Vivienne, who was now on her couch scrutinising my knitting. Matt and Beth were arguing over who got to drive, Bill was doing something on his phone, and Didi was leering at our tall skinny friend. “Okay, when I said, ‘you go ahead,’” I said, crossing my arms, “I meant ‘get the fuck in the car’.” Matt smirked, rolling his eyes, and opened the door, sweeping a gentlemanly bow to Beth, who also rolled her eyes and pulled Bill along. I strolled out with Didi and smiled as Matt ran past us to save him.

Didi gave a low whistle. “Daaaaaaamn,” she muttered to me, eyes still fixed to William, “You hit that? Niiice.”

I laughed nervously. I had to nip this thing in the bud before everyone got the wrong idea. “Yeah well. It’s not that impressive. He’s not… We’ve always been… kind of…” It was there I decided to change the subject. “You sound surprised.”

“Not really.” She tittered to herself, and I raised a sceptical eyebrow. “All I can think about right now is what he must look like naked.”

My head snapped around to stare at her at the same moment Matt started walking backwards. “Okay, so I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he admitted, voice carrying, “But I heard ‘naked’ and you two’re walking behind three pretty hot commodities.” He winked.

“Yes,” I agreed as Beth unlocked the car. Convertible, yay! “We were talking about Beth and how her bone structure and body shape appeal vastly in comparison to either of you. Oh, and not bitch.”

“Nice try, Ange,” Bill laughed, already on the other side of the car. “But you’re in the middle.”

“But I called not bitch! And I have the widest hips!”

“You mean you have hips,” Didi corrected helpfully as she slid into the front seat.

“But that’s why you have to be in the middle,” Matt argued, holding the door open for me. “It balances out the car.” He paused in thought for a moment before he sighed and swung himself into the car.

Beth frowned in the rear view mirror once we’d all got settled. “What happened to your steel reserve, Lawrie?”

“It turned into pudding at the thought of being stuck next to Angie and Bill making out.”

“Hey!” I protested, whacking his arm. “You know how I feel about PDA.” I leaned forward and narrowed my eyes at William, who was trying to look innocent. “And you owe me pudding!”

I got to thinking, beginning with the car ride I spent leaning on Matt’s shoulder and proceeding into wandering around with the group—I only remembered us stopping in a store or two to look at random bric-a-brac— about this predicament. It seemed whenever I got into any sort of tangle of intimacy (whether physical or otherwise) that everyone wanted to know about it and tell me their opinion. And when I got out of said tangle, it was worse.

I didn’t want to drag Bill into all that. I liked him too much. Not to mention I was already in the process of untangling myself from Ryan. True, I had pretty much cut that knot through the middle, but I was beginning to feel guilty, like I should try to sort things out so we wouldn’t have to split up the entire world.

I hate knots.

“Aaangie!”

I swatted at the hand snapping in front of my face and looked expectantly at Vivienne, who had apparently just joined us. And we were at some restaurant. She grinned. “Way to pay attention.”

“Sorry,” I said, rubbing my eye, “I was in Finland.”

The others laughed and walked into the restaurant, with the exception of Bill who hung back to wait for me. “Something up?” he asked, looking a little worried.

I shook my head. “It can wait.”

He nudged my arm with his elbow as we made our way inside. “This is one of those things that you really should talk about, but you’re putting it off, isn’t it?” he asked with a knowing smile. I hesitated before nodding, and Bill simply smiled.

Dinner went as our dinners usually go: full of jokes and stories and making fun of each other. I’m not sure what made me think of it, but I finally fully snapped out of my trance at a thought from earlier and pulled out my phone. So should I congratulate you or have you not told anyone yet?

A few minutes later, Vivienne pulled her phone out of her purse and read the text. Her eyes widened and she gaped across the table at me. “How the fuck do you do that?”

The rest of the table turned to look at us, making my smile widen. “I’m observant,” I replied, shrugging, “And I know you.” I took a glance at Matt, who cocked his head at me, and smiled.

Vivienne looked slightly guilty beneath her glowing smile. “And you know he’d flip his shit,” she finished.

“Well, yeah,” I laughed. “But that’s nothing unusual.”

“What’re you two talking about?” Didi asked, looking back and forth between us.

I smiled and stirred the ice in my glass around with my straw. “I’ll tell you later.”

“So,” William prompted. We were in the back of Viv’s car, with her and Matt in the front seat; Beth’s father wanted her home before it got too late, and all Didi’s stuff was at her place, so they’d gone back to Elmhurst. The speakers in the back were off or broken so whatever we said couldn’t be heard.

My stomach sank. He wanted to do this now? “I don’t think this is time…” I said quietly.

“They can’t hear us, and I know you’ve been thinking about it all day.” I looked over tentatively, and his dark eyes searched my face. Eventually he spoke, and I could hear the disappointment in his voice. “You don’t want to make it habitual.”

“I don’t think it’s fair to you. I don’t do promiscuity and I’m not stable enough to separate ‘friends with benefits’ from ‘relationship.’” William was staring at me with solemn disbelief in his eyes. He’d really believed I would fall into his arms. I sighed, shutting my eyes and resting my head back. “This is going to fuck up our friendship. I can tell.”

The music playing in the front seat seemed deafening by comparison. The car slowed and stopped in the driveway. The four of us climbed out, and Matt and Vivienne, sensing tension, ushered themselves inside. Meanwhile, William and I stood awkwardly in the driveway, not looking at each other.

“I’m still your friend,” he said quietly after a while. Hands shoved in my pockets, I didn’t quite meet his eye. Actually I stared at his shoes, which I guess isn’t even close. “Even though I want more.”

A weak smile crossed my lips. “So that line about wanting everything from me wasn’t just to get me into bed?” I attempted to joke. Unfortunately it didn’t have the desired effect of comforting the situation.

Bill shook his head seriously. “I meant it.” He stepped forward and tilted my head up so I was looking him in the eye. “I love you, Ange,” he declared clearly. “I love you enough to keep you company when you and Aromi run away from the West Coast on Thanksgiving. I love you enough let you sleep on my bus to escape angry bandmates and the merch bitch from Hell. I love you enough to prevent you from drinking yourself to death. I love you enough to go to New York for you. Twice.”

He stroked my cheek as my stomach squirmed. I was breaking his heart by saying no, wasn’t I? I didn’t think I was capable of that. Strangely, William sighed and dropped his hand. “But… more than all those things, I want you to be happy. And if that means overlooking what I want until you settle yourself, I’m willing to do that.”

I swallowed the lump the size of a golf ball in my throat and lowered my eyes. My hands were shaking, despite the warmth of the evening. Normally I was the one putting myself aside for others’ happiness, but here William was, forcing me to be good to myself. That was real love.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, holding back tears.

After a moment’s hesitation, he wrapped his arms around me. I held him just as tightly. “You know I can’t stand to see you sad,” he murmured against my hair. Bill pulled back and smiled. “That’s why I’m okay with this.” He planted a kiss on my forehead and stepped back, leaving me cold. He walked backwards a few steps, smiling sadly, before turning and walking to his car.

I decided I couldn’t watch him drive away again, watch him leave at my bid. So I swept up the steps and into the house, reaching the stairs before the door slammed shut. In the guest room, I kicked off my shoes, tore off my jacket, and curled up on the bed, facing the wall.

About ten minutes later, Matt walked in and shut the door quietly. He stretched out next to me and tucked an arm under his head. “Say it,” I whispered bitterly; I couldn’t raise my voice at the risk of letting him know I was crying. “I know you’ve got words in your mouth, so just fucking let them out.” Breaking off in a choke probably gave me away though.

“You’re impossibly stubborn when you don’t want to let people in,” he declared, staring up at the ceiling. “You did it with me, you did it with Ryan, and now you’re doing it with Bill. And the worst part is both of you know it and neither of you is stopping it.”

I sniffled and took a few deep breaths before speaking. “I think that I used William to get back at Ryan for making me miserable,” I explained in a monotone. My fist tightened around the duvet as I struggled to regain a levelness of tone. “And to prove that I don’t love him anymore.”

Matt didn’t say anything for a long time. I began to wonder if he had the intention of speaking before he did. “I don’t think so,” he said softly. “I think you stopped being in love with him a long time ago, but you’ll never stop loving him.” Tears streamed steadily onto the pillow from my eyes. “Love’s too strong a feeling to ever just quit, even if you hate him.”

He put a hand on my arm and rolled me over to face him. He thumbed away the tears on my cheeks only to have new ones spring up. “As for Bill, he knew what he was doing.” I knew Matt’s intentions were good, but somehow I didn’t feel any better.

He seemed to realise this and settled for hugging me; that, at least, we’d agreed he was good at. The thing about Matt was one of those kids who was always too smart for his own good, but got hell for it because he never used it 'constructively'. Hence, he was usually labelled the class clown.

But Matt was more sensitive than he let on. He joked to keep people at arm's length, along the same vein as I did, kind of upholding the reputation he'd built for himself. The world isn't kind to those people smarter than the majority. Maybe that was why he almost completely disallowed me to do the same.

I calmed down eventually and idly played with Matt’s hair. He drew a deep, tranquil breath. I looked up at him and smiled. “Thanks.”

“Any time, sweetheart,” he replied with a smile. “C’mon, let’s go steal more of Viv’s desserts.”