Not Exactly What it Seems

I wasn't sure what exactly I did to make her resentful toward me, but I really wanted to find out. Though I had contemplated giving up, I really wanted something to be different. Why could we not just be friends? Was she hiding something? Was there something wrong with me?

Nathanial picked me up at six o’clock on Friday night to go to a dinner fundraiser for the music program that had recently been taken out of the curriculum at a local catholic elementary school. Though I loved the cause, going with Nathanial made it impossible to actually remember where I was and why I was there. All he did was talk about the few things we had in common which could last a very long time. The conversations were most of the time stimulating so I was caught up in them rather than the speakers at the dinner. And then we would get into the debating in the subjects that we did not agree on which was always a lot of fun. But he was more like a good friend, not a boyfriend.

After the dinner, we took a walk around Central Park, talking about light subjects and generally having fun. We held hands, but I felt little from it. He would kiss me and I would return it out of habit rather than want. He was probably as close to a true friend as I had ever had, just not what I wanted in my boyfriend. Though comparatively, he was much better than most of my other boyfriends if I’m being honest. I always felt guilty about using him, but it was really not my decision.

The one thing that was completely different with him than my other boyfriends was that he knew my secret. I trusted him enough to tell him about my double life. He enjoyed the fact that I was trying to take a stand against society and was happy to help keep that secret. His school had a dance approaching and so I was told to make myself look prettier than all the rest. Which was directly followed by ‘but you don’t even have to try to do that.’ Yeah, right. But going to school dances was always fun for me for some inexplicable reason. And his friends were pretty cool guys, I liked hanging out with them most of the time. Though they could be complete jerks a lot of the time, they were better than my ‘friends.’

“So if I were to go to a dance at your school, I’d have to be someone different?” he asked as we were nearing my home. I had never taken anyone to my school dances, and I rarely went myself.

“It depends on who knows you at my school I guess. But my guess would be that yeah, you’d have to dress differently. Besides, with the way I am, no one would believe that I’m with you.” He looked rather hurt with this comment and I realized too late that he thought I believed that too. Which was kind of the case so I was flooded with guilt and tried to assure him that that was not how I perceived it. I’m not sure it convinced either of us, but he let it go, though I still felt badly.

“So is there a dance coming up?”

“I think there is one at the beginning of October, but I don’t usually go to school dances, especially with a date. I don’t like anyone at my school so dances are usually pretty pointless.” The strain and unsure expression on my face seemed to testify to my belief.

“I don’t understand how no one could like you even a little bit at school. Are you that different?” He seemed to find this rather funny for some reason, if his chuckling was any indication. “I’m sure there are at least a few people who can stand you.”

“Well, there is a new guy this year who seems to like me, but I really don’t want to be friends with him because of the whole double life. And then there are the cheerleaders who want me on the squad because I make them look better, actually not sucky like they usually are. But I am not going through that again.”

Nathanial started laughing hysterically at this point. When he saw the look on my face, he instantly sobered, though the twinkle was still in his eyes. “I’m sorry, but I can’t even imagine you as a cheerleader, even in this part of your life. I didn’t think with the way you describe the other life you’d ever be a cheerleader. You have to admit that it is rather hilarious.” I only rolled my eyes at him. “But about this guy. Does he like you?” He put an extra emphasis on like so that I knew exactly what he meant.

“How should I know? I didn’t think anyone would, especially with the way I am normally. I don’t think he does, but whatever.”

“No, not whatever. If he likes you I’ll have to go beat him up or something.” This made me start laughing, with him pouting at me. “I’m serious, if he likes you that’s just too bad because he can’t have you.”

“Nate, you are hardly a guy ready for confrontation, you have to admit that. Just picture yourself trying to beat someone up. It is truly comical.” Though I knew that he could hold his own, I loved teasing him about the fact that I had saved him from numerous fights.

“You make me sad, you really do. I try to be the awesome boyfriend willing to fight for his girl and all I get is her laughing in my face. What does that say about our relationship?” he whined.

“It says that the girlfriend is strong and independent and that her boyfriend doesn’t have to worry about that. She can hold her own pretty well. Besides, you don’t have to worry about his intentions, it doesn’t matter.” As if to reassure him, I gave him a big hug and kissed him softly. He smiled slightly and squeezed me tighter. I felt horrible once again for using such a sweet guy, keeping him from happiness with the perfect girl.