Before I Forget

I bring the cigarette to my lips, inhaling the hot smoke and savouring it as it fills my throat. She’s sitting next to me; a half empty bottle is between us. Our two bodies rest limply against the wall; we’re both numb from the vodka. Everything’s getting pretty blurry now. I like it. She falls against me and settles her head in the crook of my neck. She’s talking to me, I can feel the tingling feeling of her fingertips along my scarred arm, but I’m not listening. My eyes are drowsily flicking through the thin trees; I think I’m looking for you. Blur. “Is she alright?” I focus slightly. “Fuck off.” And I see you walking away. I want to call after you. Blur. My throat’s dry from the smoke. Empty box. Empty bottle. “Why can’t we be together?” I don’t know what I said in response. Blur. “Kiss me.” I turn my head and our eyes meet. We’re so close. My senses are faint. I’m not sober enough to make a rational decision. I do as I’m told. Then as our lips collide I think of you. Blur. Heavy breathing. Darkness. I open my eyes for a second and I’m kissing her as she’s resting in my lap. My eyes slide shut again. Darkness. I start to feel nauseous so I pull away to catch my breath. She’s straddling me. People are sitting round us now. I block out their perverse comments and kiss her again. Blur. She sucks on my neck. I return the favour and bite down hard on hers. She moans quietly as she rocks against me. Blur. She’s sliding her hands up my tshirt. They’re cold, unlike I’ve imagined yours would be. She rubs me through my bra. I break the kiss as I murmur. Her breath touches my lips. “May I?” Fuck, I must have nodded. Blur. Someone’s filming. Blur. I feel so sick. I pull away. Blur.