Do What It Takes to Survive

When I woke up it was because I was rested, not because I was cold or uncomfortable. However, I became very uncomfortable when I realized where I was exactly.

While Gerard and I were sleeping, we had not stayed in our innocent side-by-side position. No, now I was lying across his chest, my hands resting on his shoulders and my cheek to his heart. I felt his arms wrapped around my back. He was leaning his head towards his shoulder, pressing his cheek to my hand that rested there.

I swore very quietly under my breath, resisting the urge to slap him. He had kept me warm, after all, and I had gotten more rest than I had in days.

It’s a good thing he was sleeping when I opened my eyes to look at his face. If he had been smiling down at me, I might have slapped him anyways. At least I wasn’t completely on top of him. My legs were off to the side, stretched out all the way to the corner.

I decided I would wait until he woke up to move, even though I felt unbearably awkward. And so there I was, in a place I never thought I’d be. In a place I’d never wanted to be. Still, I was warm.

I closed my eyes and tried to forget where I was. I gave up, because his heart beat thudded against my face, forever reminding me. I settled with relaxing. I timed my breathing to match his, so that every time he inhaled and his chest rose, I exhaled.

That’s how I noticed when his breathing became not so even. After a few more breaths, one of his fingers twitched on my back. I felt his jaw move under my hand. Then the most interesting thing happened. His heart accelerated.

My eyes shot open. His eyes were still closed, but I knew he couldn’t possibly be sleeping anymore. Not with that kind of heart rate. Honestly, who woke up and got that awake that quickly?

A few seconds passed before he opened his eyes. When he saw that mine were open, he closed his again.

“Did I wake you up?” he mumbled.

I noticed that he tried to breathe evenly now, and his heart slowed a little. “No,” I replied grudgingly. “I woke up a few minutes ago.”

His heart sped up again when I spoke, and I felt like I was intruding. As if I was listening in on a private conversation, reading someone else’s diary, or listening to someone sing to the mirror with a hairbrush. It made me even more uncomfortable then I had been.

“Really?” he asked, hiding a smile. “You didn’t feel the need to move?”

“I didn’t want to wake up,” I retorted. “What excuse do you have?”

“I didn’t know you were awake until now,” he defended himself. He was starting to look angry. Good. It couldn’t hurt for him to be a little mad.

“And now you know. Still, you remain unmoving.”

“So do you.” He raised his eyebrows.

I realized he was right. I hadn’t moved either, even though I knew he wasn’t sleeping anymore. I took this as my cue to move back to my corner, but I didn’t take it. I didn’t want to. Just because it was cold over there, I told myself. Even so, I wasn’t sure if that was the only reason.

I grunted. “Well, you’re warm,” I said and closed my eyes.

He laughed, but didn’t say any more. I listened calmly as his heart slowed to a normal rate. I slowly got relaxed and content as the hours passed.

I heard someone, probably Randy, fumbling with the lock to our door. I shot up and scramble to my corner just before he opened the door.

He barely even looked at us anymore. We knew the drill. He would stand in front of the door that was out only escape while we went into the bathrooms. We probably could have taken him out and gone through the door, except he had assured us it was locked from the outside by Ron.

I looked at myself in the dirty bathroom mirror. I definitely looked thinner; my cheekbones were more prominent. I could wrap my thumb and pinky finger around my wrist without any trouble at all. My clothes actually didn’t look all that dirty, because the floor of our cell was somewhat clean. The temperature of our cell kept me from sweating, too. Even so, I wet a paper towel and washed my face and arms.

My hair, though, was another matter. Although I combed my fingers through it every once and a while, it still looked horrible, because it really needed to be washed. I would have washed it in the sink, using the hand soap as shampoo, but it was so cold in our little prison, I was afraid that having it wet would make me sick.

I sighed, emerged from the bathroom, and entered our room. As usual, Gerard was already waiting, and Randy locked the door behind me. Gerard sat with his back against the wall across from the door.

I took my bread and water off the floor next to him and plopped down at his side. “You really should eat more than two pieces of bread.” I commented, but I ate all of mine anyways.

“You really shouldn’t eat less than four,” he countered in a monotone voice. I guess he was tired of that conversation. I was, too.

I shivered, and he put his arm around my shoulder. It didn’t feel as wrong. This time, my whole being didn’t shy away from him. I put my head on his shoulder without even thinking about it.

We had nothing to say, but at least we weren’t as cold and miserable through the long hours that we weren’t tired enough to sleep through.

Hours later, after we had gone to the bathroom and eaten, Gerard turned off the light and settled in next to me. He fell asleep long before me. I could tell by his even breathing. For a while, though, I wasn’t able to sleep. It was probably due to all my sleep the night before. (Or day, I was never sure.)

I guessed that maybe his hunger had kept him awake more on previous nights. That made me feel guilty, but at least he was getting sleep now.

That thought was probably the only thing that kept me from waking him up when he turned toward me and wrapped his other arm around my waist. Instead of protesting, I tried to ignore it. He was asleep, after all. He didn’t know what he was doing. He was only hugging the warmth.

Once I had smothered the strange feeling in my chest, I fell asleep.