I'm Not Bulletproof
I'm Not Bulletproof
I fall down on the bed with a sigh. I’m starting to feel depressed again. I don’t know how to explain it though. It feels like there is a heavy air floating around me and I am in a place with no color and completely dull. I feel nonexistent, as strange as that sounds.
Yes, I have someone that cares about me but I still feel nothing. I feel cold and heartless for doing this to Alexi. I really want to be with him, but I just can’t. How can I love someone when I don’t love myself?
I doubt that Alexi ‘loves’ me anyway. Love is such a serious word that people say all the time. They say it like it’s just a word. Well, it is just a word, but it means a lot more to me.
Love means trust, acceptance, compassion and patience.
Being with Alexi has taught me many different things. Normally I would just give up on a person I don’t like the first few days of knowing them. But I never gave up on Alexi, even for the days we argued, he was still on my mind.
I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t know what to do or say.
All I know is that if I don’t speak up, I may never get to have my chance with him. Alexi may find another girl, a prettier one with more curves and one that isn’t border line insane.
It’s apparent that I have strong feelings for him too. If I didn’t I wouldn’t hold his hand. I’ve even told him that I like him. But he said the decision is all mine.
How do I tell Alexi that I want to be with him? A simple ‘yes’ isn’t enough, or is it? This is too confusing for me, as simple as it sounds too.
Why do I always have to think? Maybe if I didn’t think everything out thoroughly, I wouldn’t be such a bad person to be around. I never leave the house because I think of all the bad things that might happen. I can’t have friends because I am afraid to get hurt again.
But most of all, I can’t have Alexi because I am still thinking of the past.
I may be separated from Braydon, but he has me wrapped around his finger. I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that he did this to me, or that I let him do that to me.
I’m tired of thinking things out. Maybe if I would let my heart guide me through live instead of my brain people would like me more.
I sigh and look for a piece of paper and pen. I need to write some things down. I come across Alexi’s history assignment. He isn’t going to use it, I’m sure he won’t mind if I write on the back of it.
I sit back down on the bed and let my hand do what it feels like. Instead of writing, I draw lines and shapes. I’m not even sure what it is going to look like when it’s finished. I let my mind flow on the paper.
Fifteen minutes later I set the pen down and look at the creation. It was a hand holding onto a star that was floating in the wind.
That picture sums up all of the words in my mind.
The hand belongs to me and the star represents my past. As much as I want to let it go, I simply can’t.
When they say ‘a picture is worth a thousand words,’ is truly right. Maybe I should start drawing more.
I set the picture aside and put my head softly on my pillow. Before I know it I drift off to sleep
Yes, I have someone that cares about me but I still feel nothing. I feel cold and heartless for doing this to Alexi. I really want to be with him, but I just can’t. How can I love someone when I don’t love myself?
I doubt that Alexi ‘loves’ me anyway. Love is such a serious word that people say all the time. They say it like it’s just a word. Well, it is just a word, but it means a lot more to me.
Love means trust, acceptance, compassion and patience.
Being with Alexi has taught me many different things. Normally I would just give up on a person I don’t like the first few days of knowing them. But I never gave up on Alexi, even for the days we argued, he was still on my mind.
I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t know what to do or say.
All I know is that if I don’t speak up, I may never get to have my chance with him. Alexi may find another girl, a prettier one with more curves and one that isn’t border line insane.
It’s apparent that I have strong feelings for him too. If I didn’t I wouldn’t hold his hand. I’ve even told him that I like him. But he said the decision is all mine.
How do I tell Alexi that I want to be with him? A simple ‘yes’ isn’t enough, or is it? This is too confusing for me, as simple as it sounds too.
Why do I always have to think? Maybe if I didn’t think everything out thoroughly, I wouldn’t be such a bad person to be around. I never leave the house because I think of all the bad things that might happen. I can’t have friends because I am afraid to get hurt again.
But most of all, I can’t have Alexi because I am still thinking of the past.
I may be separated from Braydon, but he has me wrapped around his finger. I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that he did this to me, or that I let him do that to me.
I’m tired of thinking things out. Maybe if I would let my heart guide me through live instead of my brain people would like me more.
I sigh and look for a piece of paper and pen. I need to write some things down. I come across Alexi’s history assignment. He isn’t going to use it, I’m sure he won’t mind if I write on the back of it.
I sit back down on the bed and let my hand do what it feels like. Instead of writing, I draw lines and shapes. I’m not even sure what it is going to look like when it’s finished. I let my mind flow on the paper.
Fifteen minutes later I set the pen down and look at the creation. It was a hand holding onto a star that was floating in the wind.
That picture sums up all of the words in my mind.
The hand belongs to me and the star represents my past. As much as I want to let it go, I simply can’t.
When they say ‘a picture is worth a thousand words,’ is truly right. Maybe I should start drawing more.
I set the picture aside and put my head softly on my pillow. Before I know it I drift off to sleep