I'm Not Bulletproof

Only an hour until I make my ‘big’ debut to Finland. Yes, I am only playing at a coffee shop, and yes, I am only doing one song, but one song can make a big difference.

I am thinking on singing ‘Love is Dead’ or ‘Beautiful Inside.’ Playing ‘Beautiful Inside’ would be my best choice; it comes straight from the heart. Well, all of my songs do.

I write all of my songs banes on my life and feelings. And mostly about the last three years of my life.

“Have you thought of a song yet?” he asks me. Since we have been home, I haven’t said a word to Alexi. Nor has he said a word to me.

I’ll admit I am being a little immature about this, but whatever. To answer his question, I nod. He doesn’t need to know the song I choose. It’s not like he would care anyway. He’d just call me another name. But probably a name more false than a ‘nerd.’ More like ‘emo.’

Most kids in Estonia call me ‘emo’ because I dress in all black and write about my feelings. That is not emo. Emo is when you cut yourself, which I have never, or will ever do. I have to think of something to call Alexi when he makes fun of me. But that would make me like him. I’ll be the better person and not make fun of someone I don’t even know.

I don’t need to taunt people.

“Triinu, I am sorry I called you a nerd, please don’t act like a bi--“ he shuts his lips tightly.

What was he about to call me?! Was he going to call me a bitch?!

Wow, what a great way to apologize to someone. Instead of reasoning with him, I walk away. I’m done with fighting, that was a part of me, and then I let it go.

All of these thoughts swimming through my head need to be written down, but there is just too many of them.

Instead of writing a normal journal entry, I do a chart.

Pros and Cons of the Day

Pros-

1. Singing tonight
2. Math test tomorrow

Cons-

1. Alexi
2. Alexi’s friends
3. My guitar strings are bad
4. Alexi
5. I miss the twins
6. Alexi

Not such a good day so far, and it’s only six pm.

“Triinu! Get your shit together,” my sister taunts. God, how I loathe her. I hated her since the day she was born. Believe it or not, I was once the loved child, up until Katerzyna was born. Then all of the attention was on her.

She’ll get what’s coming to her.

I am so nervous about this. Not only do I want to sound great, I want to look great. No one will take me seriously if I look like crap.

How ironic, I’m singing a song called ‘Beautiful Inside’ and yet I want to look good.

I decide to wear my purple and gray slim stripped long sleeved shirt with a pair of black jeans. I guess I look decent. I sure could look better, but I’m not looking for a date, I’m here to sing.

When I walk out of the bathroom and into the living room, I see Alexi sitting on the couch with my guitar. What the fuck is he doing now?!

I was a millisecond away from screaming at him when I noticed what he was doing. He was changing my guitar strings. He must have heard me complain about the strings being bad. To be honest, I have no idea how to change the strings. I just make my friends brother do it all these years. I guess he is trying to make up for calling me a nerd and almost calling me a bitch.

“Your guitar needed strings, I hope you’re cool with the kind I use,” he says, “if you’re not, we can stop by the music store after school and get some,”

I guess that’s kind of nice. But still, he is on my shit list.

“Are we leaving soon?” I am so ready for this show. He nods.

.x.

Alexi, Mr. and Mrs. Laiho and Anna all go into the coffee house with me. Katerzyna got to stay home, it’s not like I wanted her here anyway. I’m surprised they all want to hear me sing. I had to beg my parents to come to my ‘show’ in Estonia.

“Triinu honey, are your parents going to be here?” Mrs. Laiho asks me.

“They said they would try to make it,” I lie. I didn’t even bother to ask them to come. They would start judging me.

There is nothing worse in like than having your own parents judge you. My mother always told me that she wanted me to be myself. But that is the biggest lie I have ever heard. There is an even bigger lie that has been in my life for three years, it will never escape my mind. It haunts me every day.

While walking into the coffee house, I feel my body break out into a cold sweat. I was so prepared- up until now.

Right now my nerves are getting the best of me. I can’t think straight, I can’t see straight and I cannot walk straight. Several times I cut Anna off in her tracks. I am such a loser…

I look at the list of people who were playing tonight, and I am third. I am thankful for that because if I were last, I’d be a nervous wreck all night.

The first performer was a man with an acoustic guitar. He was singing in Finnish, I only understood half of what he said. I guess he was using a lot of slang. I have been told that I am a very boring person when I speak Finnish. And I tell them that I’m not boring, it’s the way I use the language. I only know the basics, nothing fun, no slang. Although I do know swear words, I have learned them all from Alexi.

But the more I live in Finland, the more I’ll pick up on the language.

The performer was finished playing. He did alright, but it wasn’t the best.

The next performer was a poet who spoke in English. She talked about not fitting in and wanting to give up, but she can’t because she needs to show the world all of her potential.

I am moved by her remarks, and I am not one to believe in fate. I mean, I do somewhat believe in fate, but this is too strange.

I move to Finland not fitting in, but it’s not like I fit in when I was in Estonia, and for me to hear someone talk about all the things going through my head is almost haunting.

It’s like the time I was forced to go to church and the reverend was talking about self image.

His direct words were, “if you think poorly of yourself, others will pick up on that, and will start believing your words. If you believe that you are good enough, others will believe that.”

All of the nerves that have been progressing throughout the night vanished after hearing the poet. What she said motivated me. This is my time to shine, this is my time to prove people wrong.

If only some of those people were here tonight…

“Triinu, you’re up,” the stage crew person said. I nod and walk out on stage.

My god, the nerves are back. There are about twenty-five people in the room, not to mention Alexi. If I do badly, he might taunt me later. I guess he is the one I have to prove wrong.

I grab the microphone, “My name is Triinu Koit, I am going to sing a song called ‘Beautiful Inside.’"

I hear the music begin to start.

This is my moment.

“Is it cold where I'll be tonight
I should say that I don't care at all
Do I have a place to sleep at night
You should know that I don't care at all
You won’t hear me cry
Cause I don't care at all
I'm beautiful inside
And I don't care at all

if you take me away
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
I don't care about me
I don't care about you
I don't know what is right
Don't know what is wrong
I'm singing my song
I'm not trying to hide that I am beautiful inside

Beautiful inside

Am I drunk or high tonight
I am sure that I don't care at all
Do you still wanna hold me tight?
I'm not sure that I don't care at all
You won’t hear me lie
Cos I don't care at all
I'm a little creep inside
Who doesn't care at all

If you take me away
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
I don't care about me
I don't care about you
I don't know what is right
Don't know what is wrong
I'm singing my song
I'm not trying to hide that I am beautiful inside
I’m beautiful inside.”

The music stopped playing and I was finished. I hear a roaring applause. I smile and feel my eyes start to tear up. They actually enjoyed my voice. I look in the middle of the room and see the Laiho’s.

I see Alexi standing up cheering while the rest of his family is seated. Did he really enjoy my performance? Or is he just doing that to make up for the past three days?

Either way I appreciate it.

I exit the stage and take a seat next to Alexi. I would have taken a seat next to Anna, but it was already taken.

“You did great!” he says. Is he lying to me?

“Thank you,” I mumble.

Maybe he isn’t lying.