Exposed In Lights

I lost track of time when I was in bed, no clocks illuminated the room though my phone did when it silently vibrated with messages and emails. I didn’t answer them. I had promised my self I wasn’t going to cry anymore and I didn’t, I stayed in the confines of my bedroom occasionally eating a slice of toast my Mum would bring me.

She did the same thing, made me toast, a glass of orange juice and would bring it up. She’d come in the room quietly and tell me she loved me, kiss my forehead and leave me alone. My Dad would sometimes come into my room and just sit in it with me, not saying anything, just keeping me company. The company wasn’t wanted but it was a nice gesture.

I couldn’t blame my self for Corrin’s death, I’d thought of everything I could. She got free treatments for being under sixteen so I could help her with money. The bottom line was she didn’t want me there, so I couldn’t have been anyway. I hated that I wasn’t there to hold her hand, like a best friend should have been. But as I said, I wasn’t wanted.

Boredom wasn’t a problem for me. I didn’t need electronic devices to entertain me as I stayed in my bedroom because my mind was company enough. I’d always hated my own company but I felt that being alone with my self had taught me a lot about my self.

Corrin never left my mind though, as much as I tried not to think about her she’d crop up all the time. I still hadn’t come to terms with the fact I’d never see her anymore. It wasn’t something one becomes acquaint with easily.

I’d had two dreams about her during my little naps, not bad ones. She’d keep saying ‘smile’ to me and even when I tried to smile for her I couldn’t, the more I tried to smile the more agitated I’d become then I’d wake up. I’d never had a dream like that before so I didn’t know how to take it.

I looked at the blank screen of my iPhone, staring at it like a lioness stalks its prey. Should I read the messages? Was it worth it? I tossed my phone on the floor angrily. Avoiding all social activity sounded good.

I stared at it on the floor, I hated being un organized. I picked it up and opened only the ones from Mike who was asking me if I still wanted to perform next week on the Grammys. I replied back with a simple ‘I don’t know’ then tossed the phone on the floor. He had cancelled all my interviews and photo shoots, I felt a massive weight off my shoulders.

I crawled back into bed, burying my head into Nick’s hoodie and letting the cover drape over me loosely on the bottom half of my body. I hadn’t been changed since I got told since I couldn’t find a point in doing so.

I heard my door open and I lifted my head up to see whoever it was, my Mum walked in with some toast and a glass of orange juice. “Hiya honey.” She smiled and placed them beside me. I sat up and crossed my legs timidly. “You have a guest.”

“I don’t want any visitors.” My voice sounded weird, I hadn’t used it in a while. My throat was dry and hoarse, I tried to quietly cough it out.

She stroked my hair, “I think you’ll want this one.”

I didn’t understand her. She left the room after placing a kiss on my forehead, a few seconds later another knock on the door came. They didn’t wait for me to answer but gently pushed open the door, Nick peered around nervously not knowing what reaction he was going to get.

He took in my appearance, obviously shocked by the way his eyes widened ever so slightly. “Hey.” He whispered, scared to break the silence.

He bravely crossed the room to where I was, I studied his movements as knelt down on the floor slowly watching my reactions as if I were some rabid beast. His smooth hands took my dry ones into his and his enticing eyes looked up into mine.

“Hey,” I finally whispered back. He waited for the hysterics but realized they weren’t going to come, at the same time as he pulled me forward and fell into his arms. The tight embrace we had was like a steel cage grip, one of his strong arms under my legs and one around my waist making me as close to him as possible.

I place my small shaking fingers on his neck them proceeded to press my whole hand to his neck, feeling his pulse to make sure he wasn't going to leave me too. “You’re okay now.” He promised resting his cheek on the top of my head.

I finally felt at ease, all the hours of unsettlement and pain washed away. He was like a barrier pushing all the sadness away so that all I could do is enjoy his company. He lifted me onto my bed and rested me on my side facing him. He tucked my fringe behind my ear then stood up, I listened to his shoes clatter on the ground.

A familiar unease came to me, he climbed behind me just like he did the night before I left for Madrid. His fingers pushed through mine and his thumb rubbed over mine comforting me. I clenched my teeth together when his cheek rested against mine, tears rolled down my nose and dripped onto the pillow.

My mind didn’t even stray from Corrin even though Nick was touching every part of my body. I tried to focus on his breath but the tears didn’t stop, my eyes felt heavy though they would never close and my heart pounded slowly but powerfully.

I was wanted to fade into the background, everything was hurting and now because of Nick my heart was too. I could have laid there forever but when I felt a tear slide down Nick’s cheek I knew I had to pull myself together. Making him cry was never something I wanted to do or see.

I slowly peeled my hand from his and sat up away from him. He sat up too, he used his thumbs to wipe away my tears. Once I felt his hands on my face I was hyper alert to my appearance, I tried to wipe away my mascara and eye liner until Nick’s hands removed them from my face.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” He said, no emotion showed from his voice. He stood up and pulled me into my bathroom then sat me down onto the edge of my bath.

I watched him as his skilled hands tugged a make up wipe out of the plastic packet then walked over to me. He wiped my face for me, my skin could breathe now and I felt a slight bit better. Once he was done he tossed them into the bin and then he sat down next to me, even though I wasn’t looking at him I could feel him looking at me.

I glared at the wall, “It hurts Nick.” I sighed and took a deep breath.

“It will hurt, for a while.” He put his arm around me and pulled me into him. “You need some fresh air, come on. We’ll take Elvis for a walk or something.”

“I need to change.” I barely spoke.

He pinched the material of his hoodie then let it fall back down to my arm. “You still have this?” He smiled, “I thought you’d burn it or something.”

“I get too attached.” I pulled up the sleeve and revealed his watch, “Way attached.” I sighed, he smiled down at me and kissed my forehead. “I need to change.”

I shuffled into my closet and changed into a black skirt and a cream, sleeveless vintage vest with a bow on the left hand side of the neck. I slipped on a black octopus ring and a pair of Juicy Couture dolly shoes. I peeked through the blinds to be shocked with sun light. I grabbed the pair of Giogio Armani sun glasses on the window sill and pushed them onto my nose, I pulled out the hair band and shook my hair out of its bobble and around my face.

When I stepped out of my room Nick gave me a smile and I didn’t return it. I couldn’t and he understood that, he kept a hand on my back as we walked into the hall. The sound of my door closing alerted my brothers. Brooklyn came running out of his room with a card in his hand.

“Julia!” He smiled and hugged my waist. I hugged him too, “I made you a card.”

On the front it had drawings of the whole of our family, even the pets and inside he had scribbled; ‘I’m sorry that I can’t make you feel better, this card is a try at it. Brooklyn.’ I felt a skip in my heart.

“I’ll keep it forever, thank Brooklyn.” I gave him and big hug and kissed his nose much to his disgust. “Look after it for me while I go over Nicks?” He nodded and took the card from me. He took off like a rocket back to his bedoom, I stood up straight again and looked at Nick.

“You okay?” I nodded and headed down the stairs.

I walked into the kitchen where my parents were stood drinking coffee with concerned looks on their faces. During the conversation of where I was going I noticed my Dad give a sly nod to Nick, he returned it with a smile. I was glad to see Nick was in my parents good books again.

I walked down the drive way surrounded by trees and out the black iron gates, across the street paparazzi crowded together close to Nick’s mustang. They snapped pictures as Nick led me to his car, his hand firmly on my small of my back. “Are you pregnant Julia?”

I shot a disgusted look at the paparazzi who asked me but Nick kept me going until I was at the car, he opened the door of me and walked around the hood and climbed in him self. The ride there was silent, I stared out of the window as Nick drove.

When we got to the house we entered it before press could pull up and get out of their cars. I stopped in the door way as Nick took off his cardigan leaving him in a white v-neck shirt. “Are you okay?”

“Will you stop asking me? If I feel bad I’ll tell you. Promise.”

I knew the word ‘promise’ would settle him. He may think I haven’t noticed that my Christmas gift to him was still around his wrist. “Mom?” Nick called out walking into the kitchen, I followed him like a puppy. He looked through the window so I did too, they were all outside.

I tried to hover behind Nick but they could see me. Joe, Kevin and Frankie were in the pool but stopped splashing around when they saw me. Denise and Paul were holding hands between their sun loungers, Denise was in a knee length dress and Paul was in some shorts and a black t-shirt.

Denise stood up resulting in Paul standing up to. She came over to me and gave me a hug, “I’m very sorry, Julia.”

I never understood that, why are you sorry for me? I wanted to ask but that would be rude. I gave his a fake smile then rubbed my knuckles as a distraction. “Can we get you anything?” Paul asked smiling at me, “Are you hungry?”

“No thanks.” I answered trying to be polite.

“How about some water?” Denise asked. I could see they weren’t going to give up so I nodded. She smiled at me and ushered Paul to follow her back inside.

Kevin and Joe walked over to us and I immediately spoke my mind, “Please can you guys not talk to me about it? I don’t want to be rude or anything but—”

“Don’t worry, they won’t.” Nick answered protectively assured me. I nodded and sighed.

Saving the awkwardness, Denise came out with a bottle of ice cold water for me. I thanked her and let Nick lead me to the far side of the garden away from everyone. We sat opposite each other and he watched me as I drank the water.

“Just like old times.” He chuckled.

Great, he just referred to us as ‘old times’. Could my life get any worse? I let my hair hide my face but he pushed my face up gently with his fore finger. I looked him in the eyes, his sparkling eyes shook my body. I’d missed them massively.

I let out a random long breath, “How about that walk?” I suggested. He agreed with a nod and stood up. I held out both my arms for him and he pulled me up by my wrists, I brushed my self down and waved to his family as we headed back to the house.

Nick put the leashes on Elvis and Tank (Joe’s bull dog) as I stood in the door way, he handed me Brian’s leash. I couldn’t help but chuckle quietly, only Joe would name a dog Tank. “What’s funny?”

“Nothing.” I smiled for the first time in a while. Nick just smiled back and shook his head.

I don’t know if it was just Nick or if it had something to do with the neighbour hood but the press didn’t bother us and kept well way from us. I wasn’t used to it, I felt uneasy. “So, are you going to the Grammys next week?”

“I don’t know, I’m supposed to be presenting your category and performing and I’ve got my head up my arse. I’ve got tons of press to catch up on, not to mention the fact I haven’t got a dress—”

Nick had slapped his hand over my mouth, “You’re rambling.” I scowled and licked his hand, “Ugh, disgusting.” He cringed wiping my own spit back onto my arm.

“Nice.” I mumbled and rubbed it onto his shirt, he didn’t object his time.

It was nice to get some fresh air. Of course Nick was right, he was right about everything. About our relationship, about my music… everything. It was annoying to admit it too so I didn’t point it out to him, no need to inflate his head.

“You know, everything happens for a reason. Corrin wasn’t taken from you in spite.” Nick random said as we headed back.

“It’s hard to think about it any other way though.” He slid his arm around my waist and forced me to walk closer to him, I didn’t mind though the press wouldn’t either. “I keep trying to work out what I’ve done wrong.”

“How so?” He said, looking down at me.

“Well, first of all I almost get killed in a car crash,” he winced at the memory, “then there was that whole thing with my ring, then I get pissed and almost die in the Bahamas then I get shipped off to Madrid, then I come back and… and now this.” I did want to mention how depressed it made me that he wouldn’t take me back, but I left it out.

“Everything will work out.” He promised.

I hoped so. For my own sanity.