Exposed In Lights

My head was in no mans land. It had no idea which was to go, back to the safety that was Nick or to keep going and risking loosing him forever. I hated not knowing where I was going or having no goals, I was an organized person, a perfectionist.

It seemed to me that everything bad started to happen once I began to date Nick, I mean near death isn’t a good thing, right? He made me who I am today though, if he didn’t push me or make me realize how much music meant to me then I wouldn’t even know half the people I do.

The truth was, I wasn’t ready to give Nick up yet but I also wasn’t prepared to wait around for him either. I was being pulled both ways by my heart and head and I didn’t know which one to follow.

Its times like these I wish I had my Granddad.

He’d pull me close and tell me that everything was going to be okay, he’d kiss my head and rock me back on forth on his lap. If I fell, he’d pick me up, rub the pain away and throw it out the window.

My Dad didn’t know anything about boys, all he knew is that he would kill any of them who hurt me. He could never watch me cry, that was Mum’s job. He’d just get angry and start shouting the odds about whoever made me cry which would anger me and make me cry even more. But he knew when I just needed him to cuddle me too.

“Ready guys?” I asked my dogs, Albert was big now but his little legs were no match for Hope’s long ones. He could run under her belly, it was funny. He tried to keep up anyway which was good or else he’d get no exercise at all. I tossed the stick to the middle of the garden and they chased after it, Albert lagging behind by a wide margin.

“Hey Monkfish.” My Dad greeted me with his nickname for me. I chuckled and smiled up at him, “You did great yesterday, Karl was impressed.”

“That’s always good.” I smirked and wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m tired.” I sighed and closed my eyes. He kissed my forehead and walked back into the house. I sat on the grass and stroked Albert on my lap as Hope dug a hole in the soil under the palm trees. I should have stopped her but she looked like she was having too much fun in the mud, she had it all over her muzzle and paws.

“Julia, you have to get ready!” I heard my Mum call, I sighed and carried Albert into the house. He was heavier than when he was a puppy so I couldn’t carry him as far, I placed him on the floor and he ran into the cinema room.

I decided to give Demi a call and see if she wanted to go shopping. She did. My Mum called Dean while I got ready so I had a car ready with Demi in it. I changed into a grey vest top with three buttons down and a pair of baggy ripped denim shorts, I decided confortable footwear would be best and wore a pair of white plimsolls. I picked out a golden bee necklace and a brown shoulder bag for all the things to go in, I chose a pair of oversized, peach Dior sunglasses and slipped them on.

I tied my hair back loosely in a messy bun and just threw everything in my bag when Demi burst through my door, “Hey! You look pretty.”

“You do too!” She was wearing a pair of jeans with a Paramore t-shirt, a black bag hung over her shoulder and a black hat rested on the back of her head. “Ready to shop?” I asked tossing my bag over my shoulder.

“Totally ready.”

We headed out and I shouted a quick goodbye to my parents, we climbed into the back of the black escalade and basked in the air conditioning. “It’s so hot today.” Demi groaned fanning herself. “So, how was the shoot?”

“Amazing, Karl Lagerfeld came and I shit myself.” I giggled.

Demi looked at me oddly, “Really?”

I burst out laughing and shook my head. “No, it was cool. But this corset I wore killed me.”

She grimaced, “Oh well, are we just going to the Beverly Center?” She asked Dean who was driving.

“Yes ma’am.” He answered.

We headed into the mall through a back entrance and went straight to the first level. We wandered into D&G but didn’t buy anything, “Look.” I said jerking my head behind us, there was a small crowd pointing at us. We quickly went into an elevator and up to level six.

“I have a bad feeling.” Demi sighed as the doors opened, Dean checked it out then motioned us out.

We went into H&M where Dean kept people away from us; mall security had begun to hang around as well as two LAPD officers. “Do you like these shoes?” Demi asked holding up a pair of black knee high boots with laces on the front.

“Yes, a lot.” I smiled and began rooting through some racks. I bought some new jeans and a new black cardigan with a red rose printed on the back too. “So,” I said gaining Demi’s attention as we walked across the mall to the Sunglasses store. “Nick and I are sort of talking.”

“That’s awesome, what happened then?” She asked, genuinely interested. We stepped into the cleared out store and began looking over the endless amounts of sunglasses.

“Well, I stayed over theirs because I went to a party,” I stopped and paused, “You know this right?”

“Yeah, Joe told me.”

“Well, what Joe doesn’t know is Nick and I had a talk before I left.”

She snapped her head to me, alert and eager to hear the rest. “Seriously?” I nodded, “Continue.”

“Well, we talked about things. I told him how tired I was of trying to make him be my friend and he was all ‘I don’t want to forget you but I don’t think it would feel right being your friend’ or something like that.” I sighed and tried on a pair of large, circular Gucci sunglasses and pondered how they looked. “Do you think I look like a fly?”

Demi turned to look at me and laughed which caused me to laugh too. “Yes.”

I pouted and put them back. “So, after that I went home. Then I didn’t see him until the Chanel shoot and our song came on and it was so awkward and it completely threw me off focus. It was awful.”

“You guys will get back together, it’s inevitable.” Demi announced.

“Yeah, well… oh and I found out the release date for my album. April tenth, I’m so excited.” I squeaked and danced a bit.

“Are you having a release party?” She said trying on another pair of sunglasses.

“Yep.” I smiled, the talk of music put me in a better mood automatically.

I was very, very excited about my album. To be able to share my thoughts and feelings with others was amazing, the album was like my diary in a way. Very open and honest. The one thing I was nervous about was performing at The Grammy’s. I had been asked to while I was in Madrid so most people knew now. They didn’t ask me about it because I’d get nervous jitters.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I was performing in my comfort zone of some jeans and a shirt. But I was performing the one major ballad on my album in a long dress with wind machines. I’d let it fall to the back of my mind lately when I shouldn’t have, the amount of things I had to do was horrendous. I wish I wasn’t such a procrastinator.

Oh well, as my Nan says; ‘You can wish in one hand and shit in the other.’

I never really did understand that saying but it always cheered me up. Maybe it’s the sense of which one was most likely to happen. I’d have to ask her when she comes over.

I’d bought quite a lot on our little shopping spree and felt some what relaxed when I got home but I was soon called to battle. “Julia, we need to speak to you.” My Mum’s voice was urgent.

“Sure, I’ll just go put these in my room.” I called back and ran up the room.

I lazily tossed my bags onto my bed along with my sunglasses and purse. I checked my emails hoping to see some from my friends but they were all busy revising for GCSE exams so I decided I really shouldn’t bother them anymore.

“Julia, now please!” My Dad called.

What crawled up their ass and died? I sighed, I snapped my necklace off and pulled on Nick’s hoodie, still way too attached... I had to remind my self not to wear it so often but the comfort and warmth was irresistible. I wiggled my toes in my shoes as I stood and looked at my self in the mirror. “Julia!”

I jumped slightly and ran downstairs to the living room where my parents sat. My first impression as I entered the room was that it was quiet, too quite for this family. Even my brothers sat quietly looking at their laps, side by side. That never happens.

I began to feel slightly nervous, “What’s going on?” I asked sharply, I hated being made to wait.

“Julia, we’ve got some bad news for you sweetie.”

I don’t know what was running through my mind at that part. All happiness left me and I was completely out of my body. My palms went clammy as I waited to hear what they had to say. “You should sit down.” My Dad said.

I shook my head, “I’ll stand, tell me please.” I only added the please to be polite, my tone was demanding.

“It’s Corrin,” My eyes widened, “She died last night of stomach cancer.”

“S-she doesn’t h-have cancer.” I stuttered clutching onto my torso.

“She’s had it for around a year, we didn’t know. Linda told us that she didn’t want anyone to know that she—”

“No!” I screamed finally loosing it, I thought I was in control but I snapped. She’d lied to me for a year, a whole year.

I thought all the bad things were going to end? I felt numb. It was just one bad thing after another and I couldn’t handle it all. My Dad caught me in his arms as I cried on the floor. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to. She couldn’t be dead! I needed her.

My insides felt like they were all changing places and my lungs wouldn’t work, I was gasping for air I couldn’t find. Choking on sobs and breaking into little pieces, my Dad clutched me tighter as if to hold me together.

Everything I knew felt like stone, a simple statue now. I was wandering around in a still world trying to find life, there wasn’t any anywhere. I felt empty now, hollow, and lifeless. I felt worse that I did before I left for Madrid, loosing Nick couldn’t compare to loosing my best friend.

Images of her flashed through my mind, one by one. Every memory, laugh, smile. It was all coming back to me, I never realized how much I needed her. I should’ve been with her for the whole of that year, I should’ve been helping her with anything she needed, waiting on her hand and foot. But I was here, in L.A, enjoying my life without a care for hers.

I felt so sick to my stomach with guilt. I couldn’t help her now, I was too late and knowing that made me feel even worse. What if I did help her? Would she be alive now? I could have gotten her better treatment, anything! It pained me to think of how much she’d have been through without anyone except her family. How could she have not needed me?

So many questions left unanswered.

My Dad did the same thing he did before I left Nick, he placed me on my bed and left me alone. I needed that. I wanted that. I didn’t want to speak to anyone, so I didn’t.

I lay in silence for the rest of the day until my heavily eyelids sent me to sleep. When I woke up the next morning it struck me as hard as it did the day before and the tears began again, silent this time.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths are simply a statistic. I was experiencing that first hand.