Surrender Your Heart

When Kylie woke up, she first noticed the dark surrounding her. Surprisingly, she didn’t notice the fact that Matt was sleeping next to her until about three minutes after she woke up. She pulled away from his sleeping body, trying her best not to disturb him. Gingerly climbing out of the bed, she first looked at the clock to see what time it was. It was 5:34 and she felt extremely disoriented. She tip toed her way out of her bedroom and walked downstairs. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she walked into the kitchen and grabbed her discarded phone from the kitchen island.

It was slowly coming back to her that she had broke down at the studio, and that she had raced home soon after she had arrived. She remembered curling up on her bed and then… she remembered someone climbing into bed with her. Matt? “Did he follow me home?” she asked aloud, talking to herself. She shook her head, realizing how stupid she sounded and thinking how embarrassed she’d be if Matt were to walk down the stairs at that moment as she was asking questions to invisible people. She picked up the silver cell phone and hit the power button to wake it from its sleep. Sure enough, she had several messages. A few texts, one from Alex and one from Squire asking her if she was okay and where she was; a few missed calls from various others; and a few voicemails. One was from her mom asking her how she was holding up, knowing very well how her daughter acted on this day, a few were from her friends who had also known Anna and wanted to see how she was doing, and one was from Anna’s mother, Rebecca. Deleting the others but leaving the last, Kylie listened intently.

“Kylie, it’s Rebecca, Anna’s mother. I just wanted to see how you were and to see how you were doing. I never get to see you anymore. Anyways, hope to talk to you soon.” Kylie immediately deleted the message. After hearing it, she was almost angry. She quickly changed her anger into remorse and sadness, though, because what did she have to be angry for? She wasn’t the one who lost a daughter.

She set the phone down and turned around to walk back upstairs. She wanted to see if Matt was awake yet. Before she could even get out of the kitchen, she saw him walking down the stairs towards her. Almost immediately, she felt embarrassed.

She was remembering crying into his shirt when he walked up to her and rubbed her arm. She refused to look at him, so he placed his pointer finger under her chin and pushed upward gently so she was looking him in the eye. He gave her a small smile and she couldn’t help but smile back. Reaching out, he gave her a hug, which she greatly appreciated. When the two parted, his smile faltered. He needed to figure out what was wrong so he could help. “Kylie, what happened earlier?”

Becoming nervous, Kylie bit her lip and looked down again. She didn’t want to do this, to tell Matt her past, not yet, but considering all he had done in the past several hours he deserved to know. “Today is the anniversary of my best friend’s death,” she told him, rushing her sentence together so it sounded like one big word.

Even through her rushed speech and mumbled words, he heard it. His eyes widened and he almost automatically reached forward to give her another hug. Before she could shrink back and not accept it, his arms wrapped around her and pulled her close. Choking out a sob that partially escaped her lips, she curled into him, letting his body cover her and protect her. He was rubbing small circles into her back again as he had earlier, and it was one of the most comforting things she had ever felt.

After several minutes of silence and a very comforting hug, Kylie pulled back. She sighed and said, “Anyways, I just… couldn’t handle it. It’s only been two years; I know I should move on, that Anna would want me to move on, but I can’t. It’s too hard. I still feel…” Kylie cut herself off abruptly. She wasn’t going to tell him how she felt yet. No one else knew how she felt, and she still felt too afraid to tell anyone, even Matt, so she held it in.

“Still feel what?”

Shaking her head, she turned away. “Nothing, never mind.”

Matt didn’t push it, even though he wanted to. “Ok, well, I’m going to go then. You probably want to spend some time alone,” he told her, even though in some ways, he didn’t want to leave.

Almost instantaneously, her eyes saddened, but she nodded. She wasn’t going to inconvenience him with her traumatic experiences. “Okay; thank you,” she said quietly.

Matt smiled and hugged her again. He said goodbye and walked towards the door. When his hand was on the handle, she spoke up again. “Matt, hold on.”

He turned around halfway; just enough so he could see her, but his hand was still on the doorknob. “Yeah?”

“Stay please?”

Those two words may not have been enough for anyone else, but for Matt, they were all he needed to hear.

***

The two ordered pizza and Kylie popped in a movie from her vast DVD collection while they waited. She knew if she watched a movie and ate something, she’d probably fall asleep and then she wouldn’t have to worry about being awake and thinking. Because when she thought, she hurt and she didn’t like to hurt. Once the pizza had arrived, Kylie brought the box into the living room where Matt was currently sitting on the big, plushy couch. She set the box on the coffee table and handed him a beer that she had grabbed out of the fridge while taking a sip of her own.

The blonde took a seat next to the tour manager and pulled her feet up under herself, sitting Indian style. She leaned over and grabbed a piece of pizza while Matt followed suite. She took a bite and leaned back into the couch. After finishing off three slices of the greasy dinner, she ignored the movie and situated herself so she was leaning against the opposite arm of the couch from Matt and facing him. She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging them. “Thanks for staying.”

Matt turned to her and nodded. “No problem; I didn’t really like the idea of leaving anyways, considering how upset you were earlier.”

Kylie nodded. She tried to ignore the weird feeling in her stomach that she got when Matt said what he said instead of saying something along the lines of ”I didn’t really like the idea of leaving anyways, considering I really like you”. She didn’t know why she got that feeling, but she did. It scared her a little bit.

Matt grabbed the remote off of the coffee table and paused the movie that neither of them was watching. He turned to face Kylie and said, “Do you want to talk about it? It might help.”

She shrugged and averted her gaze from his stare. Finally, she sucked it up and looked at him. “In some ways, yeah I do, but then I try to and I freak out and don’t want to anymore.”

Matt nodded. “Do you want to try? I won’t say anything if you don’t want; I’ll just sit here and listen. I won’t judge you, Ky, I just want to try and help you.”

She tried to blink back the tears that formed when he said that. “Ok,” she said finally. “Earlier, when I said I still felt, but didn’t finish? Well, I was going to say I still feel guilty.”

Puzzled, Matt asked, “Why?”

“Anna got killed in a drunk driving accident. It was my fault.”

“Were you driving?”

Kylie shook her head.

“Was Anna?”

She shook her head again.

“Were you riding with her? Did you push whoever drove to drink?”

Still, she just shook her head.

Knitting his brow together, he said, “Well why do you feel guilty?”

“Because I didn’t make her come with me and I didn’t try and stop her from getting in the car with a drunk driver!” Kylie exclaimed. She was getting upset; not at Matt, just at the situation. It was hard to talk about. Tears were already forming in her eyes.

Matt sat foreword and set his hand on Kylie’s knee. “Okay, sorry. It’s okay Ky.” He hugged her and sat back again. “I get you feel guilty, but you can’t punish yourself like this. You know how you said Anna would want you to move on? She’d also want you to stop feeling so guilty. It’s not your fault. It’s whoever was driving’s fault. Okay?”

Frustrated, upset, and still guilty, Kylie stood up from the couch and started walking around the living room, pacing. “You don’t understand, Matt. It is my fault! I got frustrated with her and instead of realizing she was drunk, along with stupid fucking Dan, who was driving, I let her get in a car with him and she got killed. I was the DD for the night; I should have made her come with me!” she said loudly, not really yelling, just getting out pent up emotions. Tears were streaming down her face as she spoke. She knew if she didn’t calm down, she was going to start sobbing soon.

Matt got up and walked over to her. “Kylie,” he said sternly. He held onto her arms firmly and said, “You’re beating yourself up over something you couldn’t have helped. From the sounds of it, Anna was stubborn. She was going to do what she wanted no matter what you said, and unfortunately that included getting in a car with a drunk driver. It wasn’t your fault, okay?”

Kylie shrugged. She was only half listening to Matt. As much as she hated herself for admitting it, having him close to her was making it hard to think, even with the death of her best friend on her mind. “Doesn’t mean any of that makes me feel any better.”
Matt just pulled her close again, resting his chin on the top of her head. “I didn’t say it would, but still. You can’t keep beating yourself up over this.”

Finally, Kylie gave up and let her mile-high guard down. She pulled back from Matt slightly and looked him in the eyes. Now or never, she thought to herself, Anna was always telling me to do what I want, and fuck the rest, to never hold back. She was making a mental picture of how good Matt looked. He was wearing a gray plaid shirt over a plain white t-shirt, and his hair was slightly disheveled. His eyes were surprisingly bright; considering, Kylie assumed, that he wasn’t getting much sleep living with the guys. Before she even knew what she was doing, she leaned in and kissed him, placing her hands softly on his cheeks.

Maybe it was the alcohol in both of their systems, but Matt wasn’t responding. Not only was he not responding, but he was barely moving. It was like he was paralyzed. She pulled back barely an inch, and then tried again.

She wanted this, and if Anna were around she'd tell her to not hold back because life is short. So she kissed him again, trying a little harder this time with a little more force. This time, Matt didn’t resist. He rested his hands on her hips and loosened up. Before long, Kylie could feel his tongue skim hers as she felt her hands rake through his hair, pulling him closer. She couldn’t be close enough to him. She brought her hands down to the top of his button up shirt and worked the buttons open. Matt’s hands traveled up to her cheeks and rested there softly.

When she got half of his shirt unbuttoned, Kylie’s pulse accelerated to faster than it had ever been. She was certain Matt could hear her heart beating, and that thought made her smile. She continued working at the buttons while Matt’s hands roamed down to the bottom of her t-shirt. When his fingers grazed her midriff, it was like he had been electrocuted and everything came to a screeching halt.

Matt pulled back and stepped away from her. “We should stop,” he told her.

Her heart deflated slightly. “What? Why?” she asked, slightly out of breath.

He shove his hand through his hair and said, “You’re buzzed and I’m not going to take advantage of you. I’m going to go back to our place. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he told her. His voice was sad, but Kylie didn’t even realize. She was too upset and confused to even think. Matt walked towards the door and reached for the doorknob.

When Kylie realized he was actually leaving, she said “You can’t take advantage of someone if they initiated it.”

Matt shook his head, said “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” and then left while Kylie stood in the middle of the floor wondering if she had just made a really big mistake.