Forgive but Never Forget

He leaned forward then I instantly felt his lips on mine, a small and soft kiss. It felt amazing, I never though I would ever feel that again. For those bgrief moments I was in heaven, pure bliss. When he pulled away I looked at him for a moment, then slapped him across the face and stormed inside. He was right behind me, just as furious,

“What the fuck was that for?!”

I whipped around,
“You can’t just do that!”

“Well you told me to do something!” He wasn’t getting it, or maybe he was and I just couldn’t accept it.

“I didn’t mean something like that!”
“Well then what Alycia? You’re not making this very easy.”
“Oh really am I? I’m so sorry for the inconvenience I’ve caused you, it must be heart breaking.” I guess I was making it hard, but I really I didn’t know what I wanted.

“God damn it! What the hell do you want?!”
“I want you to go back in time and never have met me! To never have talked to me, for you to have ever spoken my name!”

I was full on crying at this point. It was true but I can’t have that now, what’s done is done. But I couldn’t answer his question now. Too much of everything was going through my head.

“Well I can’t fucking do anything about that now!”
He screamed then stormed off to the couch and flopped down. He had such a look on his face, a look of confusion and hurt. Part of me felt bad for him, the ignorant part, the other felt that it was justified.
I couldn’t think of anything to say, I just stood there glaring at him. He did the same; there was a moment where all you could hear was our breathing.

“You never answered my question.” He was the first to speak again.
“What question?” It took a moment for him to spit it out.
“…Do you still love me?”

He was quiet, now he was the vulnerable one. I didn’t know what to say, I could tell him the truth, that every waking day all I wanted was to be with him, to hold me and never let go, but that would be giving in.

“I don’t know.” I said.
He nodded in understanding as I continued,
“I mean, I do but…I don’t know how. I just don’t know if I can trust you, if I can be honest. You lost my trust a long time ago.”
He took a step closer, he looked like he had a tear in his eye,
“I don’t know what to tell you, but apparently you don’t want me to say anything.”
I grabbed his hand,
“If you truly mean what you say, then prove it, that’s all I’m saying”
He clenched my hand tighter,
“I will. I promise.”

I woke up the next morning over the toilet puking my guts out. I spent the night at Zack's house, my apartment was across town and it was late. After our argument we both went to bed, he offered me his bed but I refused and took the couch. Now it was morning and I was sick to my stomach and shaking uncontrollably, it was withdrawals from the heroin. My body’s nerves were starting to become responsive, the first time in a quite some time. Usually when this happens I just go for another shot and I’m good. But I don’t do it that often. The pain was intense, it felt like somebody was stabbing me all over with needles and I was in a freezer. It passes with time but for the mean time I was trying to be quiet and not wake Zacky.

“What the hell what’s wrong?!” Failed
He stormed in and picked me up off the floor, I could talk but it was in stutters,
“W-withd-drawl…my b-body isn’t us-se t-t-to being sob-ber.”
My head was clenched to my chest, muscle spasm. He pulled it up to look at him. His eyes were huge, I could tell he was a mixture of upset and worry
“What the fuck were you on?”
“H-heroin.”
“Are you serious? Fuck.”
He looked pissed,
“Just try and take deep breaths and try to control your body from shaking, it will pass in a few minutes.”
How did he know that?
I looked up at him, just seeing his face made me fell better,
“I-I know.” He looked around for something.
“Hold on, I’ll be right back.”He gently laid me against the wall and ran off.

I did as he said even though I knew that’s what I was suppose to do, deep breaths in and out and trying to keep my muscles still as they could be. The spasims would overtake my whole entie body, my brain was freeze and temporarily blackout. They were getting shorter and less time between, but each one was just stronger. by the time he came back I was a little better. He came back with a warm cloth and placed it over my forehead, he knew I was cold. I smiled up at him,
“Thank you.”

He just warmly smiled back, I could tell he didn’t really know what to say. He knew to choose his words and actions carefully.
He picked me up and cradled me against him, trying to transfer body heat. I focused on his heartbeat and his breathing. It was a tranquil moment, really. It was better because I did trust him in this way. I was actually really happy. The rise and fall of his chest was putting me to sleep. His heart beat went back to normal as well, I was glad because that meant he wasn’t freaking out about me anymore. Before I knew it, I passed out.
I opened my eyes and looked around me, I was in the same place I fell asleep at and in the same position. I looked up and saw Zack leaning up against the bathroom wall completely asleep, still holding me. I smiled. He looked so cute, so sweet, not a drop of evil in him. Sadly that was the only time he looked like that. THis was definatly a wonderful moment. I contemplated waking him up, I wouldn't mind staying here for awhile. I figured it was best to. I reached up and stroked his cheek, his eyes slowly fluttered open. He looked down at me and the biggest smile fell across his face.

“Are you better now?” He asked me.
I took a deep breath, letting it out in my answer.
“Yeah. Thank you, I mean it.”
“No problem.”
We sat there just staring into each other’s eyes; I had to look away or we would habe sayed there. I tried to stand up on my own but I couldn’t, he helped me up.
“I should be heading home.” I said. I couldn’t risk doing something I regret by being here too long. Just because he took care of me once doesn’t make up for years of turmoil.
“Um…yeah I suppose so. I’ll uh, take you.” He looked disappointed. I really did want to go home though, I was still half naked.
“I’ll meet you in the car.” With that I walked out of the room.
I could feel his eyes following me out the house, I'm sure for multiple reasons, I will admit I have a nice ass.

I climbed into the car waiting for Zack to take me home. Part of me wanted to stay with him at his house, but I knew that wasn’t what I needed to do and being with him right now wasn’t it. He came out in some tattered jeans and a black stylish T-Shirt. His hair was spiked up and he walked like he owned the street itself he was walking on. He still turned me on like no one else ever has. I was never going to let him know that. Not now anyway.

He opened the door and hoped in and started the car. I seemed a little less aggravated than when I left the room. I really didn’t know what to do, so I just kept quiet and looked out the window. My withdrawls were still there just a little, my body still aches. I can tell he was really upset about finding out that Iwas using drugs. Wow what a night, I'm a stripper and a herione addict, lucky him. This was not about him however, if he wanted to make things right, he was going to accept me for who I am which who he made me.

He looked at me and took a deep breath, smiled and started the car. I'm praying that is the only conversation this car ride will experiance.