I Find Myself in You

“How’s your water ice,” I asked Lainey as I sat down with the napkins I had just gone to get.

“Chilling,” she smirked, taking another bite. We were sitting at Rita’s, eating water ice. After very little debate, we had decided on Rita’s Water Ice again. This was definitely one place I vowed to live at while I was here. One of the worst parts about California was that there were no Rita’s there.

We didn’t say anything else, just enjoying our water ice. She looked like she was thinking about something, and I wanted to give her that time. I mean I didn’t want her to feel like I was trying to force stuff out of her. Patience was key. If only patience didn’t have to take so long.

“She was wrong, you know,” she said quietly after a few moments.

“What,” I asked, pretending to not know what she was talking about even though I did.

“Flannery. She was wrong.”

“Oh,” I said simply, trying to keep the skeptical tone out of my voice. In truth, what Flannery had said had made sense. Maybe she did just want to become the girl she thought Jesse fell in love with. Personally, I thought they were both crazy. She was so beautiful, that he could fall in love by just looking at her, and actually talking to her would make him fall harder. And he was an idiot for cheating on her.

“You don’t believe me,” she laughed bitterly. “That’s fine.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you,” I said. “But it does seem like it could be plausible. I mean you’re not exactly someone who needs to depend on someone, but you do love him and all, so, it could actually be the reason you’re so damn cynical.”

She laughed. “You don’t even know me,” she said.

But I did. I knew her from before, when we were still in New Jersey, when I went to every school production just to see her, to hear her sing, when I saw her walking in the hall and praying she would notice me, when she left, when I heard her music, I knew her. “Just think about it, okay,” I reasoned. “You are madly in love with this guy. He breaks your heart by cheating on you with your best friend.”

“Ex best friend,” she corrected.

“Ex-best friend,” I amended. “You suddenly forget why you’re in Hollywood, who you are, what you’re doing with your life, and you suddenly start seeing the bad in everyone in Hollywood. All because of this guy.”

“It’s not just him,” she insisted.

“So what is it,” I asked.

She took a deep breath. “You know when like in a relationship, sometimes, it goes from the new relationship feeling, the excitement of being like with someone new and all that?” I nodded. “That feeling – it just made me so happy. I mean, with Jesse that feeling, for some reason, was time times greater. I was all happy all the time. But then it got to the point, where it stopped being like that. I guess all couples get to it some time or another, the point where they’re either too content or too bored to do anything but really just hang out. Some make it through. Jesse and I didn’t. And I guess I was like trying to pull at straws, trying to keep that feeling. And some way or another, I just started to pretend it was still there. I kept pretending everything was okay, and that I was happy. But keeping up an image is so hard. You lose everything outside of it. And like, by the time I saw Jesse and Miley the last day, I realized that even with my image, I had failed. I hadn’t been able to uphold anything. I wasn’t happy, and clearly, either was he. And it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I said quietly.

She smiled lightly. “Maybe not directly, but it was. I mean, not just how I was acting, but who I was. I mean, I started tour he started shooting a movie. We both got so busy it wasn’t even funny. We hardly saw each other, because we had no time. And I realized that this was how my life would be, how all my relationships would be. It’s the price I have to pay for this life. But I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want all my relationships to fail because I have this huge life that keeps me busy all the time. I just want to be me, and I just – I know we would have worked out in another life where our names weren’t always in the headlines.”

I stared at her. Her reasons were slightly reasonable. Was this the price we all had to pay to live the dream? Fake happiness hiding our depression? No. I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t. I knew if I found the one I was made for, I would be happy. I knew if we were in love, we would be happy. We would make it work. Too bad the girl I was made for would never know. I took her hand gently. She looked at me, her eyes and face confused and pained. It hurt to see her in so much pain. “Not all relationships have to be like that,” I said quietly. “For example, this friendship doesn’t have to be.”

She smiled weakly. “Yes it does. Think about it. Would be friends if we weren’t both famous? If we hadn’t had to escape from Rita’s together the other day from all the paparazzi? Just face it Joe. This is just like that.”

“No it’s not,” I said firmly. It wasn’t. Even if we weren’t famous, even if we were just two people who had never left this town, I would have been friends with her. I would have done everything I could both in high school and afterwards to make sure we were friends. “Besides, people come into your life for a reason. And I know that the reason we’ve met is more than because we’re both famous.”

She laughed. “That sounded corny.”

I smirked. “That’s how I dish them out baby.”

“Wow,” she laughed.

“You hate cause I'm a rockstar, a rockstar,” I sang, smirking.

She giggled. “A pretty little problem, uh-huh, you hate me cause I'm everything that you ever wanted to be,” she sang, continuing the song. I joined in. “And that I'm lying cause I love it when you looking at me, cause I'm a rockstar, a rockstar. I said that I'm a rockstar, a rockstar.”

We were both laughing when we finished. People were staring at us. We didn’t care. I was used to it. And I knew she was too. She sighed, smiling at me. “Thanks Joe,” she said.

I grinned. “No problem. That’ll be $19.50.”

She laughed, rolling her eyes. She opened her mouth to say something when her phone rang. “Nick,” she looked at me questioningly. I shrugged. She picked it up. “Hello? Wait what? She’s where? What the hell. Ugh, tell her I died. Fine, fine, we’ll be there. Bye.”

She hung up and looked at me. “What’s up,” I asked.

She sighed, standing. “Miley’s here.”