Behind This Smile

Before anyone else was in math class, I walked in Mr. Warlock's room and complained. "Why, on Earth, is Gerard Way counseling me?" I put all my weight on one side of my leg and crossed my arms. I raised my eyebrows, which I doubt he could see, because I could barely see through my own hair.

He sighed. He seemed to be deciding something. It was like everyone was hiding something from me these days. And I didn't like it. He sighed once again, but settled for an answer. "Sometimes, Sydri, your eyes can deceive you."

I looked the other way before looking back at him again. "What the crap do you mean 'your eyes can deceive you'? I already knew that."

He rested his elbows on his desk, which I noticed he does every time before a lecture, and nodded just a bit. "Yes, Sydri. I knew you knew that. But sometimes your eyes can deceive you even when it seems like the big picture-" he made a gesture with his arms, supposedly showing me 'the big picture' and put his arms down. "- is right in front of you." He then pointed to me.

I sighed, annoyed. "What does this have to do with Gerard?" I was beginning to get really pissed. Instead of finding out what this "big picture" is, I wanted to be told. "I don't understand, honestly, what my deceiving eyes has to do with me being in peer counsel with Gerard for no particular reason. He's fucked up isn't he?" I widened my eyes at the last sentence; I usually watched my language around Mr. Warlock.

Mr. W laughed it off. "No, Sydri. Gerard is not fucked up," he replied, making me slightly shocked that he cussed. Is that even allowed? "And neither are you. Mr. Jenkins and I thought it would be interesting for two random-," he looked me dead in the eye, "- people to do Belleville's first peer counseling session. It's nobody's fault that it's you and Mr. Gerard Way." He seemed so innocent. But I just knew he was hiding something. He has to be. Someone has to be.

"Then why does he hate me so much?" I shouldn't let it bother me, but it did. The fact that yesterday was my first semi-real conversation with him, he had no reason to hate me. "He wears black, I wear black. So it can't be a problem over the color I like," I thought aloud.

"Syd, I haven't any idea why he hates you. Ask him Friday. Talk to him. This is what peer counseling is about." He was being patient. I was kind of surprised. Not that he's never patient, but Mr. Warlock was never one for these long talks. Even though he gives them most of the time about how are multiplying.

"But I don't wanna ask him on Friday! I don't even want to think about going through that door Friday. Put a gun to my head and shoot me now!" I whined.

"Do you want some cheese with that whine?" he asked bitterly. Okay, there was the impatience.

"No. I don't like cheese," I told him, getting up to go to my seat, since the bell had two seconds to ring. I slid in the chair I usually sit in, and put my backpack next to my chair. I waited for everyone else to file in, and I visibly sank down in my chair. Gerard usually sat in the seat behind James, and James sits behind me... usually.

I never actually listened to Mr. Warlock. I think he knew it, too. But, I, somehow, was passing math. It was actually one of my best subjects. Just because it's my best, doesn't mean it's my favorite. I forgot to bring my MP3 player, so I couldn't listen to music, but I had a song stuck in my head, and I was just fine with that.

Once the bell rang, I stood up and walked out the door. Gerard was, sadly, right behind me, and I was desperate to get out of the room. But people sure as hell are slow as fuck. I mentally groaned and I rushed past everyone once I got out of the room.

I went to put my math book in my locker, and saw Frank standing there. With some dude I did not know. He had hair that could rule the world. Frank smiled brightly at me and pointed to the dude with the 'fro. "I betcha want to know who Froie is, huh?" he asked. I shrugged and said sure, opening my locker. "This right here, is Ray. Say hey, Ray," he commanded to Ray.

"Hey, Ray," he said, smiling.

Frank glared up at him. "Now, Sydri. Tell Ray hello." He seemed very pleased that he was introducing me to Ray.

"Hello, Ray," I said politely.

He said a 'hello, Sydri' back and I tucked my hair behind my ears. "Well, gotsta go to my next class, so see you later." I walked around them, hearing Ray mutter to Frank, "She sure is shy." I secretly smiled to myself. I was shy. Too shy.

--

During lunch, three shadows overcast me. I shouldn't have been afraid, knowing Nicola, Matt, and Jake were all suspended, but knowing Nicola, she probably hired some people to beat me up for her. I slowly turned around, and saw, not three random people, but Frank, Mikey, and Ray. Mikey smiled warmly at me. "We're sitting here," Frank said, dropping tray down on the table. "If you don't like it, suck it and swallow." I shook my head and told them it was fine, and Mikey and Ray sat down.

I couldn't help but notice that now Gerard was now sitting all alone. He was fuming, I'll tell you that. But I felt guilty. I was taking his friends away from him. He pushed his tray away from him, and if I didn't know better, I thought he was going to cry. The angelic voice told me to be nice and say sit with us, but of course, when you have an angel, you have a devil, and the devilish side said, he never cared about you, so don't even think about giving a fuck for him. Both sides were promising.

But I was interrupted by Ray saying, "I bet I can throw this French fry in the air, and catch it in my mouth." Frank banged his fist on the table.

"No, you cannot! We've seen you do that before. Impossible!" Ray shook his head in disagreement and threw the fry in the air. We all watched as Ray fell out of the seat and onto the floor. But we whooped and hollered when he came back up with a French fry in his mouth. He chomped down victoriously at the fry and smiled smugly at Frank, as if to say, told you so.

Frank pleaded for him to do it again, but I managed to drown his loud voice out my thoughts for the moment, searching for Gerard. I watched him as he watched the table we were sitting at, and he got up, leaving his tray at the table he was sitting at, and left the cafeteria. Me, being the stupid idiot I am, followed him.