Behind This Smile

A few weeks passed and my dad never apologized. Neither did I. Not only did I get yelled at for breaking his phone (he never actually used it, anyway) and the home phone (he got a new one) , too, I also got yelled at for hanging up on him. He once again said that ‘he doesn’t need this. Especially right now’. That’s when I snapped. I just told him to fuck off and I haven’t said a word to him since.

That was basically the end of all contact with my dad. He was never home anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Nicola was acting strange around me. Every time she passed me, she’d smile. It wasn’t a sweet smile, it was sly. Okay, maybe not so strange, but I had my eyes open at all times.

Gerard and Mikey still weren’t talking. Or so I’ve been told. Gerard refuses to tell me why they’ve been fighting. It became awkward when Gerard would drive me to and from school. I felt like this fight had something to do with me. I don’t know what, though.

Mr. Warlock won’t leave me alone about my dad. He’s always asking if my dad is okay, or how my dad is. Most of the time I’d answer with a, “Why would he not be okay?” Soon, I just got tired of the questions and refused to answer.

Gerard was the same way. Actually, everyone was. Mikey wouldn’t talk to me, Frank and Ray always looked guilty, and Gerard… He always looked so distant. It was driving me crazy.

Besides everyone acting strange in my life, I realized something over the past few weeks. And it was Nicola who helped me realize it. I may- may have feelings for Gerard. May. Okay, fuck the ‘may’. I do. I don’t want to. Trust me. I don’t want to like someone right now. Maybe later, but not now.

The feelings involuntarily became stronger every time he talked to me, smiled at me. It got to the point where I wanted to slap myself for even thinking about liking someone.

Don’t get me wrong, Gerard is actually an amazing guy once you get passed the fact that he can be a stubborn ass son of a bitch.

But I just didn’t want to like someone.

Stupid, I know.

Life had become harder. School was almost over, exams were driving everyone crazy. Also the fact that I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to do for college. Gerard wanted to go this art school somewhere in New York. Mikey, Frank, and Ray didn’t care where they went, as long as they went.

I felt uneasy now, knowing that college isn’t too far off. Life was going too fast it seemed. Sure, I wanted to get out of high school. I mean, who doesn’t? But college…? Dad talked to me about taking a year off and then going to college. But now I wasn’t so sure. Maybe I never was.

In counseling, Gerard never talked anymore. Anytime I asked him what’s wrong, he just says that he’s got a lot on his mind. “Don’t you?” he asks with a slight smile on his face.

It drives me fucking crazy.

So my life has been strange. I know something is going to happen that’s life-changing. I know because nobody will look me in the eyes and tell me that they’re all right.

Gerard won’t let Mikey sit in the front seat. He won’t allow it. Mikey gets really pissy about it and starts yelling at Gerard, which causes Gerard to get pissy and it’s like a catfight. I am in this situation right now.

“She gets the front seat every single day!” Mikey yelled. I awkwardly tucked my hair behind my ears.

“She’s a girl! She deserves the front seat!” Gerard argued.

“I can sit in the back with Mikey-”

“No, you can sit in the front seat,” Mikey interrupted.

Gerard glared at Mikey. “Then why are you yelling?”

“Because you are a dick.”

“Will you just please take me home?” I asked, annoyed.

Gerard sighed but smiled at me, making my heart leap. “Yes.” He started driving and I saw Mikey pouting in the backseat.

“You can get the front seat next time, Mikey,” I told him.

“No!” Gerard semi-glared at me.

“Eyes on the road. I don’t want to die yet.” I heard Gerard chuckle.

Soon we were at my house. I thanked them and walked in my house, only to be greeted by Nicola. “You and that Way kid are getting pretty close.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.” I walked past her and grabbed a Coke from the refrigerator.

“You do like him. Figures you’d fall for this kid.” Her sly smile appeared on her face. “Daddy won’t approve,” she said in a baby-like voice.

“Daddy doesn’t matter,” I grumbled.

“Yes he does. He doesn’t want his girlfriend to meet us, get over it. Haven’t I already told you that?”

“Why do you keep talking to me?” She was trying to get me mad. She always is.

“I can’t talk to my own sister?” She put a hand where her heart should be. “I’m offended.”

“Good.” I opened the Coke can and took a sip. Nicola sighed and walked off to her room and left me alone to watch TV in the living room.

In the middle of Spongebob Squarepants, the phone rang. I just ignored it, figuring it was my dad. He was calling nonstop now, trying to get me to talk to him. I just never answered the phone.

Please leave a message after the beep, came the robotic voice of the answering machine. After the beep came, I expected my dad’s voice to come from the machine.

Sydri? This is Dr. Hemlen. This is a call regarding your dad. He is in the hospital due to a very serious condition. Sydri, I think it would be best if you made you way to the hospital.

I ran to the phone and picked it up. “Dr. Hemlen?” I asked, my voice tight. All I got was the dial tone. I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and ran to Gerard’s house. To take to me the person I needed to see most.