Heartaches Grow a Little Bit Stronger

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly as I gathered my things from the cab, handed the driver the appropriate amount of money, and then got out, kicking the door shut behind me. Adjusting my bag strap slightly, I stared up at the apartment complex and then bit my lip, thinking things through in my mind one last time. I frowned softly, and then shook my head, knowing that there was no easy way to bring up this conversation that I was about to have with my girlfriend.

I made my way to Alyssa's apartment, my eyes never really paying attention because my feet knew the way by heart, having walked this path many times before. When I approached her door, I didn't bother knocking but rather pulled out my set of keys and quickly made work of the lock.

The apartment was quiet as I entered, so I deposited my bags in the living room and then made my way around the all the rooms, searching for Alyssa.

"Alyssa?" I called out softly. "Babe, where are you?"

When she didn't answer, another frown formed across my face because I knew she was here somewhere; her car was out in the parking lot, and I had seen her purse and wallet sitting on the coffee table when I put my bags down. Muttering a few words under my breath, I finally thought to look in her bathroom and sure enough, I found her taking a bubble bath.

She jumped slightly as I walked in, and then relaxed when she saw it was me.

"Burns," she smiled, "you just about gave me a heart attack."

I laughed quietly as I closed the door behind me, and then crossed the bathroom, squatting down beside the tub before I leaned over, giving my girlfriend a loving kiss. We pulled away from each other after a few seconds and just held still, staring into one another eyes. Slowly, a shy smile pulled across Alyssa's lips and then she lowered her eyes down to the edge of the tub.

"Do you want to join me?" She asked softly.

"Did you just get in there?" I questioned.

Alyssa nodded her head and then cleared a little spot on the surface of the water. "See? Still steaming." She pointed out.

"Okay." I smiled and then got up, stripping myself of my clothes.

Alyssa smiled as she watched me and then leaned forward a little so that I would have room to sit down behind her in the tub. Once I was settled in, she leaned back, resting her back against my chest and then began to trace random patterns on my legs underneath the water. Wrapping my arms around her body, I held her close to me and placed soft, gentle kisses on her temple, cheek, and jaw line.

"How're the classes going?" I questioned.

"Good." She replied. "I've been so fucking tired though, from getting up so damn early, and then staying up late to go over papers and shit. I can't wait until break already." She insisted, causing me to laugh loudly in amusement.

"Babe, it's only four days a week." I pointed out. "You get three day weekends. Don't complain."

"Three day weekends, compared to your seemingly endless weekend." She huffed. "Your whole life is just a giant weekend." She spat bitterly.

I stopped what random little kisses I had been giving her, and stared at her in shock. She took a deep breath and let it out in a quick breath before she turned her gaze up to me.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "I didn't mean to snap at you all of a sudden." She paused momentarily, reaching up to kiss my lips softly. "I think I'm gonna start my period pretty soon." She whispered.

I wrinkled my nose and made a face, before I cleared my expression. "Well babe, we should have sex while we still can." I stated, trying my best to keep a straight face.

"Kyle!" Alyssa laughed, elbowing me slightly.

"What?" I grinned. "Come on, it's been two weeks since we've had sex. I'm horny."

"You're a sex fiend." She teased.

"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't wanna do me right now." I smirked.

Alyssa glanced over her shoulder, eyeing me with her intense green stare for a few seconds before she blushed lightly. "After dinner." She whispered. "I was planning that we can order a late dinner from Toni's, and then we could cuddle on the couch and watch some slasher movies, and then we could take things to the bedroom and have some x-rated fun."

"That sounds good." I smiled, rubbing my hands up slowly up and down her bare arms. Loving the feel of her skin against mine, I leaned over and kissed her shoulder gently before I hugged her tightly to my body.

From there on in, either one of us fell into a comfortable silence, lying comfortably in one another's arms until the water turned cold. We got out of the tub, dried ourselves off, and got dressed before Alyssa sent me off to Toni's, a twenty-four hour diner that was a few blocks down the street. About thirty minutes later, after I had come back with food and after we had eaten a majority of it, Alyssa curled up in my arms and rested her head on my chest while she stole some fries from the bag sitting beside me every so often.

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly as I ran my fingers through her hair.

"Alyssa?" I whispered.

"Hmm?" She mumbled through a mouth full of fries.

"Sweetheart, there's something I gotta talk to you about." I said quietly.

Although Alyssa didn't say anything in response, I felt her body tense as she fell still. A couple of seconds later, she swallowed what food she had in her mouth and then sat up slowly, locking her gaze with mine.

"Kyle, if you tell me that you did something on tour you were not supposed to, I swear I'm going to kick your ass." She said as the fear crept into her eyes, causing them to darken ever so slightly.

"I didn't do anything." I assured her as I cupped her chin in my hand. "But ... I ran into Mason one night and he said some things ... " I trailed off, unsure as to how to explain the whole thing.

"Mason?" Alyssa whispered. "Well ... what did he say?"

"He said a few things." I muttered.

"Kyle, tell me what he said." She demanded.

"He said that you guys were planning to move to California, and that you were in the hospital once because you had alcohol poisoning, and that you ... that you had a miscarriage." I finished the last part in a whisper. "And he said that I couldn't take care of you because I didn't know you, even though we've been best friends since the beginning of high school."

I sighed quietly as I lowered my hand, placing it on top of hers.

"Sweetheart, it's not true is it?" I asked.

"Kyle," Alyssa said slowly, "you know that Mason never lies about anything." She whispered. "What makes you think he would lie about something like that?"

"But," I hesitated, shaking my head in disbelief, not wanting to accept the fact that what I had hoped to be just drunken rants was indeed true. "Alyssa ... why the hell didn't you tell me any of that?" I asked. "Shit, you're my best friend. Don't you think that's the kind of news you should tell your best friend?"

"I can't believe you're bringing this all up now, Kyle." Alyssa whispered, her voice breaking slightly. "Please, just ... can we just forget about it?"

"No we're not going to just forget about it, Alyssa." I said, raising my voice slightly due to an unexplainable panic that had risen in my throat. "How do you expect me to just 'forget' about it? This is ... fuck Alyssa!"

"Kyle, babe, I'm begging you," she cried softly, "don't make me explain this all to you. I have my reasons why I never told you about any of that."

"Fine." I growled. "Then tell me why you didn't even tell me about Mason calling you, and apologizing to you."

"Because," Alyssa wailed, "it had nothing to do with you!"

"Nothing to do with me?" I repeated. "Alyssa, you should have told me so that I could have at least eased up on the grudge I held against him. Remember we were all close friends, Allie J, and the only reason why I wasn't willing to forgive him was because I had thought he hadn't had the decency to explain himself to you."

"Well now you know Kyle, so give it a rest." She snapped meanly.

"Sweetheart, I don't want to fight about this." I mumbled.

"I don't either, but you're the one trying to make me talk about shit I don't want to talk about." She growled lowly.

"Well fuck Alyssa!" I yelled, my temper getting the best of me. "I just learn that you were in the hospital for a week and a half recovering from alcohol poisoning! You could have fucking died from that shit! And then the fact that you were seriously thinking about moving away?! That's another big thing that you just happened to forget to tell me. And what else was there?"

Alyssa scooted as far away from me as she could, and narrowed her eyes at me. "Don't you dare say it, Kyle."

"And then there's the part where you were pregnant and didn't care to tell me!" I growled. "What the fuck? Was Mason right when he said I must not have been important enough for you to let me know?"

"Kyle get out of my apartment." Alyssa whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere." I said stubbornly.

"Get out." She repeated.

"No."

"Fine," she mumbled, standing to her feet, "I'm leaving."

"Alyssa!" I insisted, grabbing a hold of her hand to keep her from going any further. "Just tell me why you kept all that from me."

My girlfriend yanked her hand out of my grasp and then used it to slap me across the face. I stared up at her in shock for a few seconds, and then felt my heart drop when I saw the endless tears falling down either side of her face. I made a move to stand up and pull her into my arms, and whisper endless apologizes to her but she pulled her hand back before she slapped me once again, making almost the entire left side of my face go numb.

"You really want to know why I didn't tell you Kyle?" She asked, the tears shining thick in her voice. "Fine. It was my idea to move to California, just after you and I had gotten into that stupid fight when you first started going out with Madison. You made me so mad, and the things you told me that time hurt me so bad that I wanted nothing more than to leave this place and get away from you. I knew how much I hurt you too with the words I said and I couldn't stand to stay here, knowing that I hurt my best friend. But I changed my mind because you sent me that bouquet of roses, and stood outside underneath my window, playing that fucking Best Friend song by Queen on the stereo over and over until I came outside so we could apologize to each other.

"And my hospital stay? That happened when I went to Jersey with Mason to visit his family up there. They were so disgusted by me, and I was so humiliated by what I had done, and embarrassed by how my own friends and family would react to the whole thing. I mean, come on, if my boyfriends' family had thought me classless, what would my family think?"

"Sweetheart," I whispered, "I ... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even brought all this up." I said quietly, making a move to take her hand in mine, but she backed away from me, her usual bright eyes dim with hurt and sorrow.

"You wanted to know, Kyle, so I'm telling you." She mumbled. "Everything, so you can't turn around sometime down the road, and say I didn't tell you the whole story." She sniffed slightly, and then licked her lips before she continued. "And as for the miscarriage I had? Kyle, when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to death. I didn't know where to start when it came to raising a child. I didn't want that type of responsibility so soon. Fuck, I didn't want to be pregnant. I seriously thought about getting an abortion, but then decided against it. I figured that if Mason and I had conceived a baby, then we should take responsibility and grow up, and raise our child. But then ... then I ended up having a miscarriage.

"When that happened, it felt like it was my fault that it had happened. My fault because I hadn't wanted a baby at first. And I knew that if I told you, or any of the guys, it would hurt all of you as well because you guys care so much about me. I knew how much it would hurt you guys, you especially Kyle, to see me in pieces like that. So I spared you the pain and didn't tell anyone."

I sat there, staring at Alyssa, simply at a loss for words. I'm not sure what I was hoping to prove by making her tell me the truth about what happened. I didn't accomplish anything, I didn't feel better about anything. I felt like the biggest asshole on the face of the planet.

"Sweetheart," I whispered, "I ... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to - "

"Save it Burns," Alyssa mumbled, shaking her head sadly, "I don't want to hear it from you, not tonight."

"But Alyssa." I said, my voice barely audible even to myself.

With a sad stare, I watched as my girlfriend grabbed her purse and wallet from the coffee table and then walked to the door, pausing momentarily only to slip a pair of flip flops onto her feet, and then walked out the door into the hallway. I flinched slightly as she slammed the door shut behind her, but I was too numb to move a muscle.

I had barely been home from tour for two hours, and it's quite possible that I may have thrown my relationship down the drain. I don't know how I'll manage to make up for this now.