I Don't Want It, I Just Need It.

Curtis chuckled as I threw my bean burger, angrily, back into its polystyrene take out box and grimaced at the blob of ketchup that had fallen from the corner of the bun, onto my pristine, white V neck.

“Ketchup on ye shirt, vomit on ye trouser legs. What would Carol Sykes say, aye?”
I flipped him off and continued to stare at the greasy stain, only making it bigger as I smeared it further into the cotton with the side of my thumb. “ ‘ve been away f’ what, a week?”

“Eleven days” I mumbled, dragging my eyes up to meet his. “An’ like seven…eight? Hours”

He smiled awkwardly and threw his napkin down on the table in front of me. A quiet sigh escaping his lips as he stretched his legs out and sunk deeper into the squeaky faux leather seats of the roadside diner we’d stumbled upon. “Ye jus’ makin’ it worse Ol”

“I can’ jus’ leave it there, ‘s a fuckin’ massive stai…”

“I meant countin’ the days” He interrupted. Fixing his eyes on the empty box that sat in front of him and pressing his fingertip to each tiny crumb, before moving his hand to his lips. “The ‘ours man, ye can’ do it. Ye jus’ makin’ things worse f’ y’self”

“Ye don’ know what its like Curt, ye’ve not got anyone t’ miss, ye not a million miles away from…”

“’ ‘s not a million miles Ol, were in Portsmouth” He interrupted, with an ill advised roll of his eyes.

“May as well be fuckin’ Mars, mate” I retorted, instantly regretting it as he pushed himself upright and pulled his hood up over his head. Scooting sideways out of the booth and climbing awkwardly to his feet.

“Ye might wanna work on that attitude when people are tryin’ t’ help ye” He mumbled, grabbing his empty burger box and chucking it onto the tray. “ ‘s supposed t’ be our big break Ol, ‘s what we’ve wanted forever man…ye wouldn’ know it lookin’ at ye though. Face like a slapped arse”

He waved away the look I shot his way and leant across the table, slamming the lid of the take out box down on my half eaten burger and throwing it; to join his, on the tray.

“’s a girl Ol, just a girl”

My moves were quick, but Curtis’ were quicker.

My fist landed clumsily at his collarbone, his hands were pushed firmly against my chest.
Anger flashed across his face for the briefest of moments, before subsiding, just as fast as it had appeared. And I dropped heavily back into my seat, much as Curtis’ arms did to his sides.

Frustration was rife in my body, shaking me to the very core. But none of it was aimed at my best friend. My fists balling and un-balling rapidly in my lap were yearning only to punch me. Not him.

I closed my eyes for a moment, and let my head loll back against the seat. My breathing had become almost as erratic as my behavior. And no matter how hard I tried, I knew I wouldn’t have a hope in hell of controlling either.

“Jus’ don’ wanna see ye get ‘urt Oliver”

My eyes shot open at his words and my head jerked from where it had been rested. The few, simple words were foreign to my ears. No one had ever voiced their concern at my getting hurt before, and I was willing to bet that no one had ever even considered it.

“’m not gonna get ‘urt Curtis” I guffawed. A hollow, uneasy chuckle slipping between my lips as I ran my fingers through my tangled hair; pushing my fringe from where it had been hanging heavy in my eyes.
“’m Oliv…”

“Ye Oliver fuckin’ Sykes. Ye’ve said before, an’ y’ll no doubt say it again”

I felt my eyes narrow, and my lips purse uncontrollably. “Wha’ d’ye mean by…”

“Ye may be Oliver fuckin’ Sykes man. But ye Oliver fuckin’ Sykes in love”

Silence washed over the two of us. The only noises breaking it, that of the coffee machine whirring loudly behind the counter and the sizzling of the bacon and burgers frying on the large griddle.

“She could break my heart in a second Curt” I mumbled after a minute or two. Placing my hands; palms down, on the table and stretching my fingers apart as far as they’d allow, before drumming my fingertips slowly against the sticky tabletop. “An’ I think she might”

It was the first time I’d admitted my concerns aloud. And the moment the words had left the tip of my tongue, an uncontrollable shudder rushed through my body. I felt myself waiting for the standard ‘She loves ye man, sh’d never ‘urt ye’, but it never came. Instead I watched Curtis slide the tray to the end of the table, toward him. His eyes fixed sternly on the mound of take out boxes and discarded napkins piled high upon it and his lips pulled taught into an uneasy smile as he turned away from me, and toward the counter. I wanted to question his silence, I wanted to question his…

“She loves ye man, ye know tha’. E’eryone fuckin’ knows’at. She’d never…” His words trailed as the woman behind the counter collected the tray from him, and he nodded a small ‘Thank You’.

“Everything okay for the both of you?”

“Perfec’” Curtis smiled politely. Turning back to me and gesturing to the woman “Righ’ Oliver?”

&&

I felt the skin of my knuckles split open, and pain surged across my fists as I punched them hard against the floor in time with Matts bass drum. My forehead collided with the floor and for a moment passing out seemed inevitable. The bass drum was replaced by the pounding of my heart in my ears and my vision shook as the room melted from around me. I was mere seconds from being out cold, when I felt a vibration in my pocket.

I had never moved so fast, my phone was in my hand instantly.

I was up on my feet, and stumbling through the crowd before I’d even taken a breath.
Shoving my way clumsily through the thick crowd, pushing their hands from me as they grabbed and clawed me back. The music had come to an abrupt halt, the only noise being the disgruntled mumbles of the people around me. Somewhere in the distance I could hear the protests of my band, the familiar sighs.

“Where the fuck are you going?”

My eyes struggled to focus on the person keeping me from leaving. The petite blonde that had sandwiched herself between the exit and myself, her arms stretched out at either side, blocking the door I’d been hoping to duck out of.

“Look I really don’ ‘av…”

“You don’t want to do that” She smiled, as I struggled with her wrists, trying to pull her from my way. “Despite that being my brother just there…You do this, your bands done” I couldn’t help the snort escaping me, the cynical chuckle that followed, and I felt my eyes roll dramatically.

“An’ y’ud know that would ye?”

She shrugged, but kept her hands planted on either wall. Looking me up and down, a little slower than I’d have liked. I watched her muddy brown eyes shine briefly, and her smile twist into a broad smirk as she edged closer just a touch, so that her body was pressed lightly against my own. “It’s just a guess, I guess it depends…”

I flinched as she rose to her tip toes, her lips a breath from my ear. And I let my hands drop heavily from her wrists before attempting to back away, attempting, she continued pushing her body against mine.“Are you a risk taker?”

A short, sharp giggle pierced the air as she watched me become utterly motionless, my mouth opening and closing like a fish on dry land. The words ‘fuck off’ refusing to leave the confines of my mouth, any words refusing for that matter.

I jumped a little as she ran a sharp, manicured nail slowly down my chest, letting it tug a little at the fabric of my sweat soaked shirt. The fact that she’d moved from the doorway not even registering in my brain as I watched her intently, with a little too much interest.
Or so the guilt causing my cheeks to flush scarlet told me.

“Have a sip of this” She purred, thrusting her glass into my hand. “Man up. And go back up there. Your bands good, really fucking good…You don’t want to ruin it for… where were you running to?”

I squirmed as the whisky momentarily scolded the back of my throat and slammed the back of my hand against my burning lips. “ ‘s strong” I choked, defending myself against her raised eyebrow. “An’ I wasn’ runinin’ nowhere”

She snatched her drink back from my hand and rolled her eyes, giving the stage a nod.
“Well what are you waiting for?”

I glanced back reluctantly, catching the eye of Curtis as I did so. I had no answer. Peering at the screen of my phone; that was no longer flashing, gave me no answer. Verity would still be just a phone call away once the show was over. I would phone her back the second it was finished, mic still in hand, on hands and knees, if needs be.

“Exactly”

I turned back toward the mystery blonde, startled as her lips crushed against my own for the briefest of kisses. So brief, that if it weren’t for the sweet taste of strawberry lip gloss lingering on my lips, I’d have doubted it had happened at all.

“I’m SJ” She called as I turned back to the stage wordlessly, completely speechless.
I felt as if I were floating a dozen feet above ground, it was a wonder I could move at all.

“ ‘m in trouble”