My Fears Burn While You're Around

I stared absentmindedly at the calendar that was tacked up on one of Johnny's kitchen walls. If anyone were to look at all that was going on tomorrow they would find that the small square was relatively empty and appeared to be unimportant to whoever was concerned.

It was important though and I prayed no one would find out. I had neglected to tell the group that tomorrow was my twentieth birthday. To me it was something I'd just rather treat as a regular day. Unfortunately, I knew the rest of the group would think otherwise and would make a big fuss over it. I didn't think it was worth it.

It had since been a week since my intimate moment with Matt and I had indeed had my doubts about my actions. It was reckless and something I slightly wished I could take back, however I knew that was now impossible. At first it was uncomfortable being around him and I feared it would be the same on his part. That assumption was wrong however and if anything Matt was even more affectionate and caring toward me these past few days. I was still slightly uncomfortable around him just by knowing that he had seen me in my most intimate way. Embarrassment was still present even though he had assured me otherwise.

"Whatcha doing Cels?" Johnny asked as he traipsed into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I jumped a mile and reached toward my chest in a calming manner. He pulled a Coke out of the fridge and popped the tab on it before taking a big drink. He set the drink on the counter and used his arm strength to lift himself up onto the counter as well.

I backed away from the calendar and tried to play everything as cool as I possibly could. "Nothing much." I grinned at him convincingly.

He looked at me skeptically for a moment over the top of his can as he took another drink. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I was just taking a look at the calendar."

Johnny's head motioned in a nod but still held that disbelieving air about it. "What all are we doing today?" I questioned as I took a seat at the island bar in the middle of the room in an attempt to calm myself down further.

Johnny shrugged as a sly grin came across his face. "Not much. The gang's coming over later."

"Oh ok cool." I nodded as the sound of the front door swinging open echoed through the house.

"Yo short shit!" Matt's voice echoed through the house followed by the door slamming shut. "And my beautiful girl." He added in a softer tone as he made his way closer. My heartbeat increased tenfold at the sound of Matt's voice. He still had that effect on me and I still hated it.

"He beat me to it. I was going to say he's coming earlier than the others." Johnny's laugh echoed through the room and it wasn't but a few seconds later that Matt stepped through the doorway.

Matt gave me an irresistible smile that made my insides squirm.

"What are you doing here?" I asked softly as he walked toward me. He pulled out the chair beside me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I turned my head and allowed him to pull my face up so he could give me a tender kiss on the lips. It was definitely something I was growing to love and the butterflies that formed in my stomach each time he did it were beginning to grow on me.

"What? I can't come see my girl without having to have a reason?" He asked cheekily.
Johnny choked on some of his soda as he rolled his eyes.

"Normally I would say yes you can, but your response leads me to believe you're up to something."

Johnny just grinned while Matt's smirk faded off his face. "You know me too well." He mumbled. I grinned triumphantly at the fact that I was beginning to be able to peg his emotions and actions. I was never a good judge of character but it was getting easier with Matt.

"Dude!" Johnny said with a loud laugh. "You're terrible! Can't even keep a secret from her."

"Hey now." Matt said with a fake offended look at his friend. "I haven't given anything away yet." He said knowingly.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" I asked quietly as the two of them continued to bicker back and forth about Matt's secret keeping ability, or lack thereof.

Without even missing a beat Matt turned his head away from Johnny and grinned. "Nope!" He answered cheerfully.

"Oh come on Shads. At least give the poor girl a hint." Johnny said with a wink to me.

"Do you want a hint?" Matt asked.

"It would be nice." I said quietly.

"Hmm well if I'm not mistaken, tomorrow is someone's twentieth birthday. So we're all going to do something I've got planned."

I groaned and brought a hand up to my face. Both Matt and Johnny looked concerned at my lack of interest. "What's wrong?" Johnny asked after letting out a burp as he set his now empty coke can on the counter beside him.

"I was just hoping no one knew about my birthday." I mumbled as I lowered my hand.

"What? Are you serious?" Johnny asked incredulously as he gripped the edge of the counter and leaned forward.

"Yeah."

"Why? Your birthday is something to celebrate! You're going to be twenty!" He continued enthusiastically.

"I know. I just don't think it should be a big deal. It's not a big milestone." The truth was I had never had a birthday that I enjoyed. It was never celebrated around my house and most of the time it passed just like any other day. My parents really didn’t care about my birthday and in all honesty I wouldn’t be surprised if they wished that day had never even happened.

I remember seeing photos of birthday parties when I was really little and we as a family looked so happy. But when things started going downhill the birthdays stopped and I didn’t bother to question it. I always thought it was something that wasn't meant to be celebrated. As I grew older and got to know people around me I learned that what I had were a bunch of misconceptions and that my family was definitely not a normal one.

"Not a big milestone? Are you crazy?" Johnny asked slightly wide eyed.

I just shrugged in return and cuddled into Matt's arm. "You're starting with a two now! No more ones for you!" Johnny threw in.

"Don't remind me. It's a two way street."

"How so?" Matt questions with a curiously sad tone. I knew he wasn't happy that I wasn't excited about my birthday but that's just how it went.

"Well, being twenty makes me feel old. But at the same time I'm still a whole lot younger than you guys and that makes me feel weird too." I finally confessed one of the things I had kept secret to myself.

Matt frowned slightly. "There's nothing wrong with you being younger than us. And twenty isn’t old. It's an awesome age. I think you'll survive. You're not going to shrivel up to nothing I promise." He grinned showing off his inherited dimples.

"It just feels weird." I mumbled.

"Oh please. You won't even notice." Matt leaned down and placed another kiss on my forehead making Johnny groan.

"You two are too cute for your own damn good."

"And coming from you that actually means a lot." Matt chuckled in response.

"I can't be around you guys if all you're going to do is make me blush." I told the two of them as I stood up and went to throw Johnny's soda can away for him.

Matt and Johnny just laughed as they both stood up as well. I tossed the empty soda can in the trash and made my way out to the living room.

I spotted one of my older and treasured hoodies lying on the floor. It was one of mine from when I was in high school and it was also the one I wore almost all the time. There was nothing special about it on the outside but it was comforting to me. It was faded and you could tell it had been worn a lot but I loved it to pieces.

I bent down to pick it up so I could take it to my room and when I stood up I nearly jumped a mile as a pair of strong arms snaked around my waist quickly.

Matt chuckled into my ear as I tried to get my breathing under control once again. "Sorry." He mumbled. His hands came to rest just above my belt buckle. I gulped lightly and fiddled with my hoodie as his fingers lightly lifted up the hem of my t-shirt. His thumbs pressed against my skin and hooked themselves just under the waistband of my jeans.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"If you have to ask then the answer is probably yes." I whispered back in reply.

Matt just hummed to himself and leant down so he could rest his chin on my shoulder. "I think you're going to like what I've got planned. It's nothing uncomfortable I promise." I let out a sigh of relief, thankful that it would be something I was going to enjoy, well according to him anyway.

"Where's the almost birthday girl?" I heard Jimmy yell from somewhere else in the house. I closed my eyes and groaned knowing that my misery was about to start full swing. Matt's chuckle vibrated my entire body.

"In here." He called over my shoulder. Without any effort he picked me up with me emitting a squeal and sat us both on the couch.

"Cue spaz attack in five, four, three, two…"

"Celeste!!!!!!! I missed you!" Jimmy yelled as he ran into the room with his arms spread wide. He continued running until he reached the edge of the sofa where he stopped. Without so much as a warning both Matt and my eyes widened as we watched Jimmy leap up into the air and onto the top of the two of us. We both let out yells of surprise as he threw his arms around me and tossed his legs over Matt's lap.

"Damn it Jimmy!" Matt said through a strained voice while Jimmy just cackled playfully in response. He stuck his tongue out at Matt as he continued to hug me.

"Alright off." Matt told him just as the other guys entered the room at the same time. Jimmy pouted but listened to Matt and climbed off. He took a seat on the opposite, bigger couch along with Brian and Johnny leaving Zacky to sit on the floor which he didn’t seem to mind.

"So almost birthday girl. Ready for today?" Brian questioned as he leant forward and rested his elbows on his knees with his hands folded in front of him.

"No." I grumbled as I slid away from Matt who was trying to wrap me up in his arms.

"Aw why not sugar?" Zacky pressed with a grin.

"Because I don't even know what we're doing today." I said grumpily as I hugged my hoodie close to my chest while pulling my legs up as well.

"You haven't told her the plans Matt?" Brian teased making Matt grin.

"Nope and don't you dare either. It's a surprise." Matt moved to hug me again and I shied away into the corner of the couch. I didn’t feel like being hugged at the moment. I was still frustrated they had found out about my birthday. I knew I needed to get over it but I felt I had a right to be frustrated for now.

Matt's grin turned into a frown as he pulled his arms back. "I don't get a hug?"

"No."

"Ooo denied." Brian teased his friend but only earned a glare in return.

Matt turned to face my curled up form. A pout instantly formed on his face and I let out a sigh. Matt's pouts were something that softened me instantly. I don't know what it was about that look but it made my insides melt like an ice cube on a hot summer's day. I unfolded myself from my curled up position and scooted over toward Matt. I brought my legs back up behind me as I leaned sideways against him. Resting my head on his shoulder, he brought his arm up to wrap around me in a protective manner.

"Your barrier's coming down around the guys I've noticed." His soft voice floated into my ear. It was out of range from the other guys who were speaking in code about what all was going to happen.

"Yeah kinda. They're becoming more like family now which is something I've never really had. It's a nice change." I smiled up at him and he returned the gesture down at me.

"You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that." He said lowly again but this time paused as he rested his head on top of mine. "I can't wait for tomorrow." He added softly.

"I can."

"You won't be saying that soon."

"Well I'd like to agree with you but seeing as I don’t know what the plan is I really can't say that's true."

"Listen here smarty. You're going to like it. If you must know, we're spending the day at the beach today. But I'm not telling you anything about tomorrow other than you need to pack an overnight bag."

I gave Matt a look of pure skepticism. The other guys had since stopped their chatter and were watching us with intrigue and interest present in each of their faces.

"Do you trust me?"

That seemed to be the question that was the basis of my relationship with Matt. I trusted him now, yes. Not with everything but with most things. I still hated hearing that question though because it brought back memories and feelings that I really wanted to lock away forever. I wanted to hide the key and never allow it to be found. Matt did a good job at doing that though and I was thankful he did because I'm not sure I myself could.

"I think you already know that answer." I smiled and stood up from my seat. If I needed to pack an overnight bag then I needed to get on it. And I needed to get ready for the beach today as well.

Right after I reached my room I pulled out a small duffle bag from the floor of the closet. As I was setting it on my bed a soft knock came to my door. "Come in." I said now looking up from my bag I was now unfolding to it's normal size.

"Hey." Brian said making me look up. I was honestly expecting Matt and was surprised to hear Brian's voice.

With a smile I replied. "Hi."

"Need some help?" He asked as he tucked his hands into his pockets.

"Sure." I said skeptically.

"I actually just wanted to talk some if that's ok. And help you pack of course. Matt sent me to supervise and make sure you packed the appropriate clothes."

"Oh ok. What did you want to talk about?" I asked hesitantly. I was still a little nervous around Brian but I knew now he was harmless.

"Well you seem to be really comfortable around Matt. I'm glad to see that." He said as he sat on the bed with his legs stretched out in front of him.

"Yeah." I replied as I headed back into the closet to pull out a few t-shirts and a pair of jeans.

"He really cares about you you know. More so than I think he even did about Val when they were dating."

"Really?" I asked as I began folding the shirts beside Brian.

"Yeah. But I can still tell there's some hesitancy on your part. He won't hurt you."

"I know that Brian."

"Well I just want you to know that I see the way he looks at you. When the time comes and you want to do it he won't hurt you. Matt's probably the most sentimental guy out of the whole group. I just want you to know that."

My face blushed at the mention of having sex with Matt. I was well aware that the guys probably knew about our shower escapade because, well, Matt's a guy and guys share those things. I just still couldn’t help but blush at the thought of myself having sex with Matt because well, that was still scary to me.

"Thanks Brian. I know. That won't be any time soon though." I mumbled as I hid my face down and placed the shirts and jeans into the duffle bag.

"You say that now but we'll see." I looked up to see Brian smiling at me.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I grumbled while returning to my drawers this time to grab some underwear and bras along with my swim suit.

"You'll be ok Cels. Promise."

"Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up." I said with a laugh as I placed the remaining clothes in my bag.

Brian just looked shocked for a minute before we both burst out laughing. "Go get changed for today. Then I'll do an inspection to make sure you look smokin' for Matt today."

Raising an eyebrow I grabbed my bikini and went into the bathroom before Brian could shoo me in there himself. I changed into it quickly and pulled my hair out of the pony tail it was in. running a brush through it I took a minute to go over my appearance in the mirror. I can honestly say this is probably the best I've looked in years. I actually felt healthy again. My body wasn't all skin and bones and while I was still skinny I didn't look unhealthy which helped to ease my embarrassment while I was in a bathing suit.

I took a deep breathe and left the bathroom. Brian was still lounging on the bed with his arms tucked behind his head. He sat up and his eyes wandered over my body making me feel slightly uneasy.

With a smirk he nodded in approval. I blushed once again and decided I needed to cover up. "You're nervous around me." Brian said with a frown as he stood up. I took a deep breath as I pulled on a pair of jean shorts and a tank top.

"A little." I admitted with pursed lips.

"Why?" He asked as he stepped closer.

"I don't know Brian. Just, habit I guess."

"But you're alright around Matt."

"That's because I think I love Matt Brian. I don't know what it is about him and I've never been in love before."

Brian sat back on the bed and patted the spot beside him. "You're scared." He stated as I sat down next to him. I tucked my hands between my thighs and nodded.

"How does Matt make you feel?" Brian asked as he cautiously placed an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. The simple gesture put my mind at ease and I relaxed against him.

"Well, I feel like my hearts trying to escape my chest every time he kisses me. There's butterflies inside my chest when he smiles at me. It's like, almost every fear I've ever had disappears when I'm around him and I think that's what scares me. No one's ever been able to calm my emotions like he does. I don’t feel complete without him and the days I don't see him go by so slowly. It feels like they're never going to end."

Brian smiled down at me with a caring grin. "Hun there's no 'think' about this. You're in love. Matt's a special guy and he's helped you over come so much. Just know that he loves you too. I will tell you though, that he's been scared to actually ask you to be his girlfriend because he doesn’t know how you'll react. So you may need to drop a hint or two when you're ready for that. I think he'd like for this to be more official."

My eyes widened at Brian's words. Matt wanted me to officially be his girlfriend? As in, like actually officially dating? Oh my.

"Now wait a minute." Brian started upon seeing my panicked look. "Let's think this through. You love Matt and he loves you. What's stopping you from wanting to officially be his girl?"
I gave Brian a fearful look and took a deep breath.

"You bitch! You're nothing but a no good whore! No guy will ever want you. Want to know why? Because you're mine! You're my girl and no one else's!" He screamed at me as I cowered in the corner.

Simple sobs escaped my mouth as my body shook. "I'll teach that boy a lesson I swear I will! You'll never be anyone's girlfriend ever again when I'm through with you!" He continued as he took a swig from the glass bottle that had been clutched in his hand for over the past hour.

I could hear my mother in the other room banging pots as she attempted to fix dinner in her drugged up state. My sobs and my father's screams fell on deaf ears.

"You're a whore. A filthy stretched out whore who's only good for a fuck!" He continued to slur.

I watched through a sheet of tears as he stumbled against the dresser and fell to the floor. Glancing at the door twice I decided to take this opportunity to make a run for it. I hobbled out the door with him yelling after me. I went sliding in my socks into my room and slammed the door shut. With what little strength I had left I slid my dresser against the door so it couldn’t be opened.

"Damn it bitch! You get back out here! I'm not through with you yet and neither are my friends!"

"So wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Your dad didn't want you dating because he claimed you were his?"

I nodded in confirmation. "Every time I tried to get a boyfriend it didn't end well. He eventually had me convinced that no one would ever want me and that as far as he was concerned I belonged to him and his friends."

"So you're scared of actually quote unquote belonging to someone."

"Yes."

"Aw hun. That's not the case. That's not how a relationship works babe and I know deep down inside you know that. You know Matt cares about you and the guy certainly isn't the superior one in the relationship. It's based on an equal respect for eachother. You won't belong to Matt hun and he doesn’t expect you to."

"I know. I'm just scared."

"That's totally understandable. Just give it a chance hun."

"I'll try Bri." I leaned up and paused for a moment before I placed a small kiss on his cheek. "Thanks."

"That's what friends are for Cels." He said before standing up from the bed and grabbing my bag and zipping it up.

A knock came at my door before it burst open and Matt stood there grinning. "Ready?"

"Yeah man. We're good. I'll meet you guys out there." Brian said before giving me a hug and leaving the room with my bag in hand. He gave Matt a nod as he passed him and Matt in turn grinned and returned it to his friend. It seemed like some sort of sign but I really couldn’t be sure.

Matt still stood in the doorway with all his weight against the door jam holding him up.

"You look amazing." He told me as he looked me up and down. "You've really changed a lot since I first met you."

"Thanks." I whispered back.

Matt removed himself from the doorway and then he closed the door behind him. With a few strides he moved across the room to where I was standing. His eyes once again roamed my body. When they reached my face I brought my own eyes up to meet his gaze.

His large hands carefully reached out and came to a rest on my hips. I brought up my semi-shaking hands and let the rest right above his wrists. Slowly I let them roam up his tattooed arms and over his shoulders. Clasping my hands behind his neck I settled my gaze on his own for the final time.

He blinked and re-opened his eyes to reveal the hazel orbs that gave me the chills.

Ever so slowly it seemed, Matt brought his head down and pressed his lips to my own. He had his lip ring in today and it brought shivers to my body. I loved the cool feeling of the metal smashed between our lips.

I let out a sigh of content and frowned as I felt Matt's lips pull away from my own.

"I know this is a lot to ask of you, but Brian suggested I go for it. Will you be my girlfriend Cels?"

So that's what the nod was for.

Did I really want to get myself into this? To actually be dating a guy for real for the first time in my life? Technically it would be my first real relationship. But it would be with Matt. The guy that I was convinced I loved very much.

Thoughts swirling through my mind, going a million miles a minute, I looked back up into his eyes, ready to give him my answer.