My Fears Burn While You're Around

I bit my lip as my toes squished through the sand as Matt and I walked hand in hand out toward the water where everyone else already was. A small six pack of beer was tucked under Matt's arm while a small beach bag was over his other one. I simply had his hand in one of mine and my flip flops in my other one.

"The happy couple has arrived!" Val squealed as she ran over and grabbed me from Matt's grasp. I tripped over my feet as I jogged to keep up with her. She came to an abrupt halt and gently pushed me down in a camping style chair before sitting herself in one across from me. She tucked her legs up underneath her and gave me the biggest grin possible.

"So you said yes?" She asked with wide eyes as she clasped her hands together and placed the small ball of fist under her chin to prop it up.

"Yeah." I said shyly as a blush crept up onto my cheeks. "I don't think I could have said no even if I wanted to." I chuckled quietly.

Val let out a squeal as she bounced in her chair. I smiled and let my gaze wander to where Matt was standing with the guys around a barbecue. He had taken his shirt off and had his back to me as he spoke to Zacky and Brian.

He had a beer hanging down at his side and as odd as it was to admit, it didn’t bother me. I saw him throw his head back as he laughed at something Zacky had said. Seeing Matt be happy made me feel happy. He just had that effect on me and I loved it.

"You're so cute. Watching him." Val said with a smirk. I diverted my eyes and bit my bottom lip as I blushed.

"I can't help it."

"He does have that effect." She said smiling before looking over at him too.

"Val, can I ask you something? And you don't have to answer if you don't want to." Val nodded and seemed to sense what I was going to ask.

"You want to know why Matt and I broke up." I blinked a few times before nodding softly.

She closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "Everyone always thought that Matt and I were perfect for eachother. We started dating in the sixth grade and didn’t break up until just a few years ago." I sat there amazed at the fact that they had dated for so long. Sixth grade was a long time ago and I knew there had to have been something major there for them to keep dating for that length of time.

"Everything was perfect. We were even considering getting married someday. I used to manage the band." She let out a soft chuckle. "That was quite the adventure let me tell you. Being with those guys twenty-four seven almost killed me.

"Anyway, shortly after City Of Evil came out Matt and I sat down and started to discuss where we wanted our lives to go. He had mentioned wanting to start a family and to settle down. Kids have always been something I struggle with. I didn’t want a family that I had to take care of. I wanted to further my modeling career and go into fashion design. At first we figured we would give it some time and see how things went. But the more it got brought up the more we fought about it. It was basically the wedge between us and eventually I told Matt that I didn’t ever want kids. He didn’t take that too well. I guess we just decided that it was better for us to be apart since we were both so stubborn about where we wanted out lives to go." She said.

"I guess we just kind of fell apart. There were no hard feelings between us and we still supported each other. But I guess you could say we didn’t see the family quality in each other. There wasn't a strong connection anymore. Matt hasn’t really bothered dating since we broke up. But the first day he saw you something changed. I can't figure out what it is hun but it's definitely something. You captured him just like he did to you."

I sat there stunned still. I always knew Matt was a family guy so I suppose that all made sense. I just couldn’t figure out what he saw in me when he had been with someone like Val for so long. Obviously, Val didn’t have an answer to that question either.

"Oh." Was really all I could manage to say.

"Yeah it's a long story." She laughed. "It doesn’t upset you does it?" She added quickly.

"No not at all. I'm just a little confused is all. But it will all be cleared up in time I'm sure." I finished with a smile.

"It will be. So on a happier note are you excited about tomorrow?"

I chuckled and averted my gaze from Val's. "Um sure." I forced a smile after and Val seemed to sense it.

"You're not excited." She stated rather then questioned.

"Val. Let's be serious. I have absolutely no idea what we are doing tomorrow. How can I be excited about nothing?"

"Oh hun. I can assure you, it's something to be excited about. Matt wouldn’t put together this big extravagant day if it weren't something you would enjoy. Trust me on that."

I slumped my shoulders and ran a hand over my face in frustration. "I don't want anything big and extravagant though. That's my whole issue with my birthday."

"Well hun, that's how we do it here so you better get used to it. These guys don't do simple."
Glancing around the beach area we were occupying was enough to reconfirm that. I think we had everything but the kitchen sink.

Val and I both jumped in our chairs as some loud noise came from the barbecue, causing all the guys to howl in laughter. I didn’t even want to know what it was.

"Obviously." I muttered under my breath.

"You're eating that Johnny!" Brian laughed.

Val's eyes shifted around the area and I noticed them focus on something behind me. With a grin she gave me a wink. I sat back in my chair and rested my head against the rough material.

"Hello." A deep voice sounded in my ear as a pair of arms snaked around me.

"Oh jeez!" I exclaimed as Matt lifted my petite frame up from behind. He swung me over his arms so he was holding me bridal style and then proceeded to sit down in my chair and place me in his lap.

I let out a sigh of relief and then stuck my tongue out at Val who was laughing at me and my little scare. Matt was laughing too as he placed one arm on the side of the chair while letting his other one come to rest on my bare thigh.

"Whatcha doing?" He asked once I had calmed down.

"Chatting with Val. What does it look like?" I asked with a giggle.

"Talking about my manliness?" He asked with a smirk.

"No. About your small penis size." Val quipped back with a similar smirk. I blinked a few times as my eyes widened at her words and my jaw became slack.

"Ouch Val. That hurt. Good thing we all know that's not true."

"What's not true?" Zacky asked as he pulled up a chair and joined our small group.

"That I have a small penis."

My face continued to flush as normal. This was so awkward but of course it was normal for them I suppose. Nothing was ever out of character for these guys.

"Well duh. Everyone knows you've got the horse cock of the whole fucking group." Zack laughed as he tucked his arms behind his head casually.

"Who's got a horse cock?" Brian questioned as he too joined.

"Matt does dipshit." Jimmy finished as he and Johnny finished off the group.

"Well I know that. But some of us do too." Brian retorted. I took a deep breath and let out a groan as I buried my face in my hands.

"I can't believe we're talking about penis size." I grumbled to Matt as I abandoned my hands and took homage in his bare chest instead.

Matt let out a deep laugh. He rearranged his arms so they were wrapped around my form tightly. "It doesn’t make you uncomfortable anymore though."

I popped my head up and looked at him skeptically. "And how do you know that?"

"Because you would have jumped off of my lap in an instant if it did." The thought raced through my mind before I decided he was correct. I pursed my lips and nodded to confirm what he had said.

"Why do you still have your shirt on?" He asked me quietly in reference to why my white tank top was still on over my swim suit.

"Why is yours off?" I countered.

"Because I want it off." He stated.

"Then there's your answer." I laughed softly.

"Please?" He tilted my head up so I could see his infamous puppy dog look he was giving me. His lips were pouting out making his lip ring glint in the sun. His eyes were as wide as saucers and he let out a small whimper.

"Oh my gosh Matt." I said as I sighed and shook my head.

"Pretty please?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head but reached for the hem of my tank top anyway. I could use a bit of sun I figured. I pulled my tank top off and tossed it down onto the towel that was beside our chair.

Matt let out a hum of satisfaction as I leant back and our bare skin settled against eachother. His golden skin tone was mismatched against my own extremely pale one but at the same time they worked so well together.

"Wait a second…" Jimmy trailed off looking skeptically at Matt and I. "Why didn't you jump?"

His eyes narrowed and my face reddened in an instant. I knew where he was going but I wasn't going to admit it. "Why would I jump?"

Jimmy's confused expression turned to a smirk in an instant. "Because we're talking about your boyfriend's goods. Doesn’t that normally scare you?"

Great. Now how was I going to answer this without putting myself in line for a string of embarrassing comments? The simple answer was, there wasn't a way.

"It did yes."

"But it doesn’t now? Why is that?" By now everyone had ceased talking and were all watching me with interest.

"Jimmy." Matt said with warning clear in his voice. Jimmy's smirk turned into a sly grin.

"Let me answer for you hun. You've seen it."

"I hate you Jimmy." I mumbled as I hid my face in Matt's chest.

"Oh come on hun. I'm only messing with you. Although this is a good sign in my book. Especially for Matthew." And in that second his smirk was back.

"Rev!"

"I'm just saying! Val would know." That sort of struck a nerve and made me flash back to my conversation with Val.

Jimmy was probably the most honest person in the group and he never held anything back. That was just the way he was and everyone loved him for it. I knew he didn't mean anything in a bad way but it still slightly bothered me to be talking about this.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk." I concluded. My neck felt like it was on fire and I knew my skin was covered in small red hives from my embarrassment.

I wiggled my way out of Matt's arms and stood up. He looked like he was about to jump up after me but Val reached over and placed her hand on his arm. He sunk back in the chair and without hesitating I turned around and started to walk down the beach.

I didn’t want to seem like I was running away because in actuality, I just needed a breather. Clearing my mind was often the smart thing to do when I got overwhelmed. I often felt that I would explode and shrink back inside if I didn’t get away and that was the last thing I wanted the day before my birthday.

I didn’t want any reason to be upset or bothered by anything. Therefore, a walk along the beach it was.

I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jean shorts that I still had on.

I continued walking with no signs of anyone coming after me, which I was thankful for. A small breather was all I needed.

I slowed my feet as I noticed I was approaching a couple that was being rather playful with each other. The guy had sandy blonde hair while the girl's blonde mirrored my own in a way. The girl was running from the guy but he soon caught up to her and swooped her up into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist and leant her forehead against his as they gazed into each other's eyes.

By this point my feet had stopped completely as I continued to watch the exchange between the couple. The light in their eyes was so apparent and made it obvious that they were head over heels for one another. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh as I realized that was probably the one thing I wanted so badly in a relationship. I wanted someone to be so head over heels for me. While I knew that Matt liked me I didn’t know if he was quite to that point yet.

I started moving again as the guy sat down on the ground and continued to hold the girl in his arms, never once breaking their gaze. It was like they were completely unaware of the world around them. Nothing else mattered to them more than the other person.

Deciding that I probably looked like a creeper standing there watching their intimate exchange, I diverted my eyes to the ocean waves and continued on my way.

I bit my bottom lip as I stopped and stubbed my toe into the soft sand that was damp with the remnants of the wave that had just gone back out.

"Hey there beautiful." I was startled at the deep voice and turned on my heel to face the body the voice belonged to. Matt was standing several feet from me with his hands shoved into the pockets of his knee length black board shorts. His messy hair was blowing softly in the wind and I suddenly found myself very glad he had decided to grow it all back out to one length. The typical aviators that he adorned sat on his nose and covered his hazel eyes well. The only hint I was getting at his facial expression was the smile that was revealing his dimples.

"Mind if I join you?" He asked as he took a step toward me.

"Not at all." I mused at which he took the remaining steps to where I stood.

I let my eyes drift back up to the couple as we passed them. I forced a small smile and was quick to divert my eyes for the second time today when Matt began to follow my gaze.

I'm guessing my shift of eyes was too slow because I saw him eye the couple as we passed. His head turned to look at me out of the corner of his eye. He had to have sensed that I was watching the couple. He pulled out one of his arms out of his pockets and reached out smoothly. I felt his hand grab my right shoulder and he pulled my body close into his own. I was now tucked under his strong tattooed arm while it was draped over my shoulders and his hand had settled on my upper arm comfortably.

"You doing alright?"

"Yeah. Just needed a breather is all." I said as I looked up at him with a small smile.

"But you're ok right?" He inquired again with a hint of worry in his tone.

I looked up at him again and gave him a genuine smile along with the nod of my head. "Yes Matt. I'm fine."

"Alright. Just making sure. That's my job after all." His chuckle was deep and made me sigh in content.

Matt and I continued to walk until we reached a less crowded part of the beach. His arm held me back slightly signaling that we were coming to a halt. "Come sit." He said as he guided me to a place in the sand that was dry and flat. He released me from his grasp and positioned himself on the sand. His feet were flat on the ground and positioned such that his knees were up in the air. He spread them apart and patted the spot in the sand between his legs that he had created.

I took the spot he was offering and let my back settle in against his chest. I draped my arms over his knees and let him wrap his own around my bare stomach.

My gaze travelled out to where the ocean waves were crashing on the shore creating the sound that I loved more than anything in this world.

I felt Matt lean down and rest his head beside mine so his chin was settled in the crook of my neck. "I can't wait for tomorrow." He mused with a hint of mischief in his tone.

"Everyone keeps saying that." I sighed as he pulled me back further into him.

"That's because it's going to be an amazing day whether you like it or not."

"You and Brian had me pack an overnight bag. Can you at least tell me if we're going somewhere far away or staying close by?"

Matt's eyes shifted over to look at me sideways. His dimples were released as the muscles that held in his smile gave way. "I guess I could tell you that. We're staying close by."

"Ok good." I said with relief.

"Can you do me a huge favor?" His tone changed from fun to being completely serious.

"Sure."

"Can you just relax and enjoy your birthday for once? Please? I've worked really hard for this to all pan out and I know you're going to enjoy yourself. But I need you to relax and trust me and the plans I've made. You're going to enjoy yourself. I know you will."

Matt's coarse hands slid over my smooth legs and came to rest on the outside of my knees. Goose bumps slowly rose on my fair skin and Matt let out a soft chuckle as he too felt them arise. "Alright. I'll give it my best shot."

I gently bit the inside of my lip as I stared out at the water. The silence between us was comforting but at the same time it felt slightly awkward. I was so used to having to explain something about my past, or listen to him and the guys talk about whatever that it felt odd to sit here in silence for once.

I loved being in Matt's arms and so I trained my thoughts on that feeling alone. Every now and then a person would go running by with headphones pressed into their ears, or a dog by their side and occasionally a couple would wade hand in hand through the inch deep waves that washed up in sequence.

"What are you thinking about?" Matt questioned as a particular couple passed and I caught a glimpse of the shining rock that was nestled on her ring finger. Her facial expression told that she was elated and the way she was clutching the guy led me to believe that they were newly engaged. My brow had furrowed as I began to wonder if I would ever get engaged to be married and I was just about to drift off to thoughts of married life when Matt decided to interrupt.

"Huh? Oh. Nothing." I said with a very convincing shake of my head. "Can we head back now?"

One look into Matt's stunning hazels was enough to tell me he was frustrated and confused. I didn’t want to be a burden though. I was determined to enjoy my birthday now and I knew telling Matt the truth and bringing up something about a relationship would only make me more miserable. I needed to get over it and enjoy what I had with Matt right now. He was a wonderful boyfriend and had treated me better than anyone else ever had before.

"No. We can't." He stated softly. "Not until you tell me what's going on. I've seen the way you look at the couples that walk by. What's going through your mind?"

I closed my eyes and let out a small sigh. I should have seen this coming. Matt wasn't one to let something like this slide. He always wanted to know what was bothering me so he could fix it. Unfortunately sometimes I liked being stubborn and didn’t want him to fix it. This however was not one of those times.

"I'm just confused Matt. I was talking with Val earlier and the subject of you two dating and breaking up got brought up. And then earlier with Jimmy… I just don't understand it. Why would you leave someone like Val, who is willing to give you just about anything you want and need, and end up with someone like me who's scared to bits of every little thing? It's just something I'm having a hard time comprehending still and I know it's not something that can all be explained now. It's just a lot to process I suppose."

Matt turned me so I was now facing him. He had straightened his legs and I was now straddling him slightly as he rested his hands on my hips. "I'm sure as you've noticed by now, Val and I are very close and we probably always will be. But we had very different goals in life as we learned. Yes we loved eachother and yes we pretty much gave in to every whim the other had, including all things sexual. But as time went by I started to see that that wasn't what I wanted in life. I needed something more and neither one of us was quite sure how to find it. It obviously wasn't coming from eachother and that was when things started to go downhill."

He paused for a moment before letting out a sigh and running his hand over his face. "Night after night we would go at it like fucking rabbits but I was beginning to feel like there was something missing. Something wasn't there in the connection we had anymore. I loved Val and I will always love her, just not love her. We decided to break up not long after and I went in search for that missing something. At first I just sort of let things slide and resorted to spending all of my time with the guys, devoting all of my hours to the band. We had just gotten home one night from the studio. I was fucking exhausted and I came home to find that Bella had managed to get into some of Johnny's birthday cake that was left on the counter the night before. She had tracked frosting all over my living room and the curtains in my front window. I hadn't opened them in quite some time seeing as I was rarely ever home anymore but when I did to clean them something caught my eye. I remember it clear as day. Sitting on the bench… your bench… was a completely gorgeous girl and she had me mesmerized.

"It may seem weird hearing this but I knew from the moment I saw you that there was something different about you. Something that made me want to get to know you. I guess you could say I sort of became a stalker from then on out. I had talked to Val about you because I started to notice the way you would leave when men came around. I don't think I'll ever forget the day that our eyes met and you freaked out. I felt so shitty and wanted desperately to fix things. That's when I sent Val out, and well you know the rest of the story.

"I guess what I'm trying to get to, is that I think I've found what was lacking in my relationship with Val. I'm not about to scare you by saying it but I think you're smart enough to figure it out. But as you know, and I know, we both still have a long ways to go. But I think I need you just as much as you need me. We're perfect together Celeste and I wouldn’t have asked you to be my girlfriend if I didn’t see myself having a future with you. Not with all the undeserving shit you've been through in your life. There's no was I would ever add to that. I believe what we have is real and as far as I'm concerned I'm in this for the long haul."

Small tears pricked the corners of my eyes at his story. I guess I never realized how much I meant to Matt until this moment. I always felt like I was the inconvenience, like I was the stitch in the side, like I was the one holding him down. What I truly hadn't seen though was just how much he needed me as well.

My small arms reached up and wrapped themselves around Matt's thick neck as I let out the breath that I had been holding. I turned my head and gave him a small but sincere kiss on his cheek.

"Relieved a bit now?" He chuckled.

"Yes. Relieved and relaxed."

"Good."

"Thank you Matt. For telling me and for meaning it."

His hands slipped up from my waist and gently caressed my cheeks as he pulled my lips to his own. The kiss was short and sweet but it was to the point and that point was that he cared about me and I in return about him.

"Now I think we can head back. We need to get going anyway." He winked as he stood and pulled me up alongside him. Instead of holding my hand as we walked Matt picked me up and slung me on his back forcing my legs to wrap around his middle and my arms around his neck. I laughed as he playfully tickled the inside of my thighs as we walked.

At one point he set me down in the water before picking me right back up again, this time in front of him so I was inside of his arms. "I'm so fucking blessed to have you as my girlfriend now." He stated as he held me tightly against his chest while the water lapped at our ankles.

The smile that crept up onto my face wasn't only because of his words but was rather because I couldn’t believe how backwards that statement truly was. It was I who was blessed, more than I think he knew and it was now up to me to show that to him.

So long as I survived my birthday tomorrow then I would have to start thinking of ways to make it up to him.

He must have read my thoughts because without warning he picked me up bridal style and continued along the water's edge. "Now come on. We've got somewhere to be for a special occasion tomorrow." He stated with a wink.

I certainly hoped this wasn't going to be the death of me.