I Left My Heart in Moscow but My Love Waits in Pittsburgh

Knuckles white. Jaw tense. Jordan took in sharp breathes of air that couldn't seem to quite fill his lungs.

Sloppy seconds.

Knees knocking. Palms sweating. He's been playing hockey all his life and professional for five years. Countless playoff games and even finals, but for the first time he was clammy and nervous. Over a girl standing on a stoop, waiting for him.

Her long skirt fluttered in the wind and the combination of the peach skirt and white blouse made her look every inch the innocent ballerina he thought she was. Thought.

He scrutinized her face, every fleck of gold in her eyes, every faded freckle across her cheekbone, every wrinkle and crease as she smiled. Jordan definitely saw the same girl in front of him. He mentally compared the woman in front of him with the girl in the picture. She looked different but the same. She was a woman now, more mature. Not the child in the picture. But the same exuberant happiness on her face as she waved at him, barely able to control herself.

“Jordan!” She squealed, her cheeks pink with glee.

A small smile twitched the corners of his lips upwards. Despite his genuine happiness to see her again and the fact that he knew better, all he could see was Evgeni and Svetlana limbs tangled, bodies heaving and writhing. Silently, Jordan walked up to the stoop and picked up her overnight bag and carried it to the car.

“What's wrong? Is it because you lost? You did will in both games. It's just too bad you didn't win the second one.”

His head pounded as he gripped the steering wheel so tightly that he could feel the soft leather warping under his grip. He sucked in a deep breathe. He let his eyes shut for just a second. Just a second. Because of what he saw behind his eyelids. Evgeni. Svetlana. The Lake. Their love. Jordan just shook his head, his short, blonde waves catching the light.

“Hockey hair,” Svetlana mused as she ran her fingers through the unruly locks. “I like it.”

It burned where she touched him. Did she say the same thing to Evgeni? Did she run her fingers through his hair like she is now? Jordan gave her a weary smile and revved the engine setting on the way back home.

That's how road trips work. You win some, you lose some. But you know you'll be able to go home. And for the first time, Jordan was dreading going home. Dreading what he was about to face. Dreading how long before the secret that was inside him was going to force it's way out. Would he make it home?



Jordan pulled into the familiar parking spot and turned the key and shut off the engine. The whole time he felt like there was a pressure building inside of him waiting to explode.

“I know about you and Evgeni.” That was all he said. That was all he needed to say.

Eyes wide and full of disbelief as she registered the words that she never wanted to hear, “H-how? Did Kris tell you?” she choked out. Svetlana felt like she couldn't get enough air into her lungs and her eyes burned with tears that she never thought would have to come.

“Kris? He knows?” Anger. It was in his eyes, his voice, his body language. It seemed like a poison that seemed to soak his blood and seep into his bones. “Before I did? You told Kris before I did? ”

“It slipped out,” Choking on her tears, choking on the truth. “I wanted to tell you,” Her voice barely above a whisper.

“When? Before or after I had to hear it from Oksana that I was getting Geno's sloppy seconds.”

“Is that what you think of me?” Jordan expected her voice to be angry, not hurt and humiliated. “Do you just see me as Geno's leftovers?”

“Wh-wha?” Jordan stuttered, not expecting her response.

“Is that how you see me? As damaged goods?” The unfamiliar tone of anger was rising in her voice. “I have a history and so do you. The only difference is I accept yours.”

“The only difference?” Stubbornness and jealousy seeped into his voice, “This is Geno, for God's sake!”

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that I loved someone before you?”

“This isn't someone. This is Geno. He's my teammate!” Jordan's voice boomed and then his face softened. A side that few people saw outside of his family came out. Vulnerable, emotional, things that Jordan only revealed to Svetlana, things that Jordan only was with Svetlana. “I can't look at him without seeing you two together. I can't look at you without wondering, if you'll go back to him.”

“Jordan,” She breathed deeply as the tears came to her eyes, “I chose you. I chose you.” It wasn't till that moment did she realize she was shaking, trembling with anger, fear, humiliation and sadness.

“I know,” Jordan sucked in a deep breath, mustering all the courage and strength he could, “I know but I don't know how much I can trust you, anymore.”

Trust.

Svetlana's mind flashed back to her conversation with Anna.

Love is so much more than lust, it’s trust. Without trust, there can’t be love. So ask yourself, do I trust him? Do I trust him not to hurt me? Because when you love someone, you’re giving them the power to shatter you into tiny little pieces but you trust them not to. Do I trust him with the most delicate parts of me, emotionally and physically? Can I trust him to love me? Because without trust, there can be no love.

“I came to Pittsburgh because of Evgeni,” Svetlana's voice cracked as she started from the beginning, “I had met him by accident. We were children. And even then I thought that I would marry him. He was my first, my last and then, my everything. I came to Pittsburgh for him. I didn't know about Oksana. And I didn't know about you.” She lifted her gaze from her hands to meet his eyes, “That's all and that's it. Everyone has a past and I was foolish in believing that mine would stay just that- the past. What Evgeni and I had should have nothing to do with us. He's in the past, and you're my present and future.”

“What makes you think we still have a future together?” Right before her eyes, the normally playful baby blues turned to hard steel.

“How dare you say that!” Svetlana's golden eyes burned with a fire that Jordan had never seen before. Anger. “How can you say that we're nothing. I moved in with you, not because of Anna, but because I love you. I'm not afraid to say it anymore. I love you. I was wrong by not telling you about Evgeni but you have to understand, where I was coming from. I-”

“Didn't trust me? You didn't trust me and what my reaction would be. Just like I'm not sure if I can trust you now.”

Svetlana undid her seatbelt and looped her bag through her arm, “You know, Eric and Marc, they told me about Beth. They warned me and told me not to fall in love with you. They told me that after she broke your heart, you went out of your way to destroy her. I didn't believe them. I told them that wasn't the Jordan I knew. I guess I was wrong.”

I guess I was wrong. With those words, Svetlana walked out of the car and disappeared into the night.