All I Want For Christmas

I remember my first Christmas in care… I was only seven but it sticks in my mind as one of the best days of my life. The excitement and the sense of belonging that I felt was so overwhelming that I spent virtually the entire day in tears, but at the end of the day, I’d never felt happier.

You see, until that point I’d been living with my parents and three sisters at the family home, a short distance away from my current residence. We never had much money and the more of us there were the less money there was to go around. The luxuries dwindled pretty quickly, but the necessities soon followed and it wasn’t long before things had to change.

Three months before that first Christmas away from my family, I had still been at home but years of neglect had led to me developing a lung infection which had landed me in hospital. The social services had been contacted and I was taken into care. I was still allowed contact with my family but as time moved on we grew apart until our weekly get-togethers became so awkward and uncomfortable that I began to fake being ill in order to get out of going.

Needless to say, after all of the struggles that I had been through over the years prior to that point, I’m sure you can imagine my excitement when at seven years old I received my first ever Christmas present. It wasn’t particularly expensive, just a book about spies that I wasn’t yet able to read, but it was something that I could call my own and that meant the world to me.

Christmas at the Home was always really special and something which I’d never experienced anything similar to before. We would decorate the house together and would go out in small groups to buy each other gifts. We weren’t blood relatives but we were more of a family than those which we’d known prior to ending up in care.

I glance about me at the living room of my new flat. At 19 I’m now far too old to be living in care and with my two years in the half-way house behind me, I’m now able to move on into my future. I’ve spent the past two years working my ass off and saving my wages up so as to be able to buy my own place and so, using that and some money from a social services starter-fund, I’m now the proud owner of the means for my total independence: a three bed apartment with a kitchen and living area which is, much to my convenience, fully furnished.

I’ve already claimed one bedroom as mine- the smallest of the three, I might add- but intend to give the other two rooms to my four best friends.

Oh my God! I can’t believe this house is actually mine!

I walk into the kitchen to gaze out of the window at the communal garden directly outside and take a minute to think about how much this means to me.

Eleven years ago, my parents finally gave up on trying to sustain such a large family. Eleven years ago, I lost my family. Eleven years ago, I was flung into a lifestyle which left me, in the eyes of society, fit for only the worst that life could throw at me. People pitied me and shot me sympathetic looks, of course, but I was considered worthless and was made to feel like an outcast.

And, yet, here I am: defying the beliefs of all those who doubted that I would ever amount to anything worthwhile by holding down a job and becoming the owner of my own flat.

I smile triumphantly and turn away, heading down the corridor and into one of the bedrooms, leaning against the doorframe and cocking my head to one side as I look at the furnishings. Do the wooden beds make this room look too much like the rooms at the home? I hope not… I want this place to look like a proper home, not act as a constant reminder of the symbol of so many of the negative areas of our lives.

For the past few months I’ve been consulting my social worker about the possibility of adopting my friends in order to take them away from the stigmas associated with life in care. Finally, after demonstrating to her that I really am capable of taking care of myself, Zoe agreed to support me through my decision to commit my friends to my care.

In three hours time, the process of adoption will be completed by Zoe bringing the guys over. In three hours time, my best friends will be able to call this place ‘home’ as much as I can. As much as that delights me, it also makes me nervous beyond belief.

I move quickly around the flat, checking that it’s tidy and that there’s food in the kitchen and soap by the sinks and spare toilet rolls and- Is it warm enough?

I take a deep breath to calm myself down and walk into the living room, turning the TV on and lowering myself on to the couch in an attempt to occupy my panic-ridden mind and distract myself from my friends’ impending arrival.

It doesn’t work. My mind still runs at a thousand miles an hour and I sit rigidly, my feet tapping absent-mindedly against the floor. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous! I’ve known these guys for years… They’re my best friends; I shouldn’t worry about showing them what I’ve done with my life. But worrying is exactly what I’m doing and I can’t, try as I might, quash my apprehension.

~*~

A knock on the door startles me and sets a panic burning through my veins. My stomach twists and turns causing a feeling of nausea to rise within my throat. I stand frozen for a moment, hyperventilating before a second knock finally moves me.

I touch my hand to the door handle and slowly press it down, releasing the catch and opening the door to see Zoe standing on my doorstep. Behind her I can see the guys removing their bags from her car and at last a smile breaks out on my troubled face.

“Hello, Jimmy,” Zoe smiles. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I smile back, my nerves finally dropping away.

“Nervous?”

“Not so much, now… Look, thanks for everything… I couldn’t have done this without your help,” I say gratefully, mentally cursing myself for my lack of insight and not buying her a bottle of wine to show my gratitude.

“You’re welcome. It’s all part of my job,” she adds, but we both know that she’s gone above and beyond the call of duty.

“I owe you, “I tell her, then turn my attention to my boys. “Come on, guys! Hurry it up- The house is getting cold!”

Johnny abandons his bag and runs up to the door. I hear Matt mutter a sarcastic ‘thanks John’, but barely have time to register what he’s said before the youngest of my charges throws himself at me. I hug him and breathe in the scent of his hair, relishing being united with him for the first time in weeks.

Since moving in a month ago, I’ve been so busy trying to get the house sorted and the adoption finalised, I’ve not had time to visit the Home to see my boys. It’s been a painful few weeks but at last they’ve come to an end and I can once again see the guys on a daily basis.

“Hey, Jim! Put the midget down. I wanna hug too!” Zacky says, faking annoyance by folding his arms across his chest and staring at me as I release Johnny into the house.

“Of course you do,” I smile, squeezing him into a hug that I’m sure he regrets asking for.

When Zack gasps for breath, I let him go, moving on to Brian who has appeared behind him. I touch the older boy’s shoulder gently, only too aware that he hates to be touched, and smile at him as he returns the grin and follows Zack into the hallway behind me.

Matt is the last to cross the threshold, stepping into the flat and dropping his and Johnny’s bags onto the floor out of the way, before hugging me and whispering “I missed you” into my ear.

I return his greeting with as much emotion and know, when he looks around the hallway then turns back to me and nods his approval with a small smile, that he’s as amazed by all of this as I am.

“I guess I’ll leave you to it,” Zoe announces, her grin the size of mine as she glances at the boys assembled behind me.

“Won’t you come in first? ‘Let me get you a coffee?”

“Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t. Come on in,” I tell her, standing back to allow her entrance into the flat and loving how in control of everything I sound.

“Oh, go on then,” Zoe smiles as she closes the door behind her. If she was anyone else, I would think that she wanted to be asked in, but I know Zoe and I know that she’s not like that.

“Anyone else want one?” I ask, leading the way into the kitchen. I’m met with silence and so turn to look at my friends, my eyes questioning them in hope of a response. They nod sheepishly and I laugh, only now realising that they are as nervous as I am. “Fancy some soda, Johnny?”

He nods eagerly as I move to get the bottle and pour some into a cup for him, then beams up at me and says “Thank you” as he takes it in both hands.

“Good lad,” I declare affectionately, ruffling his hair with my fingertips as he takes a sip. “Shall I show you your rooms while we wait for the kettle?”

“Yeah, please,” Zack smiles. “My bag’s kinda heavy…”

“Step this way then,” I say, sweeping my arm in the direction of the door, much the way a chauffer might. Johnny giggles at my gesture and the others smile politely as they pass. I usher them into the hallway and direct them to the bedrooms at the end, pointing mine out to them as we pass it. “And these are yours…” I finish, opening the doors to the two rooms and allowing them to swing in and reveal the area behind.

“Two per room?” Matt checks. I nod. “Shall you and me take this one, Johnny?” he asks, stepping into the nearest room and allowing his eyes to travel around the interior.

“Yeah!” Johnny joins him in the room, bouncing onto one of the beds and claiming it as his. Matt smirks at him and ruffles his hair, the younger boy leaning into his hand in a cat-like manner.

I smile brightly then turn my attention to Zacky and Brian who have collapsed onto the beds in their room, Zack rubbing his shoulder where his bag had been rubbing and Brian looking around the room, smiling contentedly to himself.

“Are you two happy to share?” I ask, leaning against the doorframe as I notice Zoe disappear into Johnny and Matt’s room.

Zacky glances briefly at Brian who nods. “Yup,” he then assures me before allowing his eyes to wander as Brian’s were and asking, “Are we allowed to put posters up?”

"Yeah, sure. Maybe we’ll go to the mall next weekend and get you all some stuff…”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why not… It’ll be fun. Besides, we should probably get underway with the Christmas shopping soon, shouldn’t we?”

“Yeah… Hey, Bri. What would you like for Christmas?”

“I don’t really need anything… I’ve got everything I need right here…” Brian replies, sitting up and facing Zacky as he speaks.

“Aww! “ Zack teases, reaching over and tousling the long strands of Brian’s hair with his fingers. “I didn’t ask what you needed though… I asked what you wanted.”

“I dunno… I’ve not really thought about it…” he says, smacking Zacky’s hand away and scowling with pretend annoyance.

“I’m gonna go make some coffee… Feel free to unpack when you’re ready.”

“Jim?” Zack calls after me as I turn to leave.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for taking us in,” Brian answers.

“Thank you for letting me,” I reply, a grateful smile touching my lips as my eyes move from Zacky to Brian. I want to hug them both, show them how much their thanks means to me, but I don’t want to make Brian uncomfortable or show Zack affection that I can’t touch the older boy with, so keep my distance and go to make the coffee.

Zoe follows me back into the kitchen, searching out a spoon for the coffee as I re-boil the water in the kettle. She tells me that she thinks this venture will be good for us all and I can’t help the warm feeling of pride that bubbles within me.

~*~

I awake to sunlight streaming through the gap in my bedroom curtains, blinding me as it cuts across my face. I roll over and sigh contentedly, pressing my face against my pillow and savouring the warmth of my bed covers.

I lie like that for several minutes before I begin to feel stifled by the heat that surrounds me and reluctantly peel back the duvet to present my body to the cool morning air. I shiver and stand quickly, pulling my hoodie from the floor and shrugging it onto my shoulders, zipping it up before leaving my bedroom and making a bee-line for the bathroom.

My business finished, I stretch my arms above my head and yawn, making my way into the main living area and smiling at the sight of Zacky sitting on the couch, his legs tucked beneath him and a book open on his lap.

“Hey, you!”

He looks up at me and smiles as his finger finds its way between the books pages to mark his place. “Hey,” he says softly.

“Why are you sitting in the dark?”

“It’s not that dark…”

“It’s not that light, either,” I counter, raising my eyebrows pointedly at him as I move to turn the overhead light on. Zack just shrugs and looks away from me. “I’m gonna go make myself a coffee, ‘you want one?”

“Yes, please,” he replies, then appears to think about his answer and adds, “I can make it if you want…”

“Nah, you’re okay, I’ll do it… Put the TV on if you want…”

“Can I?”

I turn to stare at him incredulously. “Of course you can! This is your home, too, now. You don’t need permission to do that sort of thing. Hey, is that why you were sitting in the dark?”

“I guess… I just don’t feel like it’s my place to go doing things off my own back…”

“You feel kind of awkward here?” I ask, a sense of understanding washing through me.

“Yeah, kind of… I’m just a bit weirded out by this whole situation…”

“You and me both, mate!”

Zacky smirks wryly and says, “It feels like I should treat you like some… unknown superior.”

“Don’t! I’m still your best friend,” I say, walking back over to him and sitting on the arm of the couch as I drape an arm across his shoulders. “I have legal rights over you but that’s purely for practical purposes. I want to be your friend, still… I don’t wanna be your dad and my aim isn’t to replace your parents so please don’t treat me as though I have that kind of relationship with you, okay?” Zack nods. “Right. I’m gonna go make that coffee now. You put the TV on and I’ll be back in a bit.

I sigh as I walk into the kitchen and fill the kettle, turning it on and leaning on the sink to stare out of the window at the frost-covered garden outside. Zacky’s revelation rings in my ears and my own reaction replays itself in my head. It’s something that I want to make clear to everyone because I want them all to feel at home here as, after all, I bought this place for them…

From down the hall, I hear Matt snapping sleepily at Johnny, the younger boy evidently already awake and seemingly desperate to share his enthusiasm with his friend. I laugh softly and leave the kitchen to save Matt from Johnny’s persistent nature.

“Hey, Johnny. ‘You wanna come watch TV with Zacky? I think Matt wants to get some more sleep…”

“What’s he watching?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you go see?”

“Okay,” Johnny replies, hugging me briefly then slipping out of the door and running down the hall.

“Cheers, Jim. I’m already awake, though- I’ll be up soon…”

“Take your time. Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah, this bed’s actually pretty comfortable,” he grins, pulling the covers closer to his body.

“Yay!” I say, the fact that I’ve spent several years living in a children’s home with kids under half my age evident in my childish reply. “I’ll leave you to it…”

“’Kay… Oh, Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you got a spare razor? I really need to shave!”

I laugh. “Yeah, that’s kind of true! There should be one somewhere… I’ll find you one later.”

“Thanks, dude, and… Erm… Without wanting to sound really demanding, am I able to get a second pillow please?”

“Yes, your majesty, I’m sure that can be arranged as well,” I mock.

“Ah, fuck you!” He laughs, extending a hand from his duvet and waving his middle finger at me.

“I’ll have a coffee waiting for you when you come through.”

“Thanks.”

I head back to the kitchen and true to his word, Matt appears in the living room five minutes later, yesterday’s t-shirt covering his torso and a pair of boxers around his hips. His hair, for a change, looks even more dishevelled than Zacky’s and his bleary eyes tell us that Johnny woke him up far too early.

“’Coffee’s in the kitchen,” I tell him. He nods and disappears in search of it, returning with the mug clasped between his hands a few seconds later. Johnny beams at him as he slumps down onto the couch and Matt glares in return, though there is something in his hazel eyes that tells me I don’t need to worry about a feud between the two.

“What are we doing today?” Zack asks, looking over to me as he takes a bite out of the toast that I’ve just made him.

Erm… Well, I wanna go over some stuff with you all after breakfast- just some do’s and don’ts, you know…- but I don’t think there’s anything else that needs to be done… Why? ‘You got something you wanna do?”

“Nah, ‘just wondered…”

“Are we getting a Christmas tree?” Johnny pipes up.

“Yeah, of course we are! We’ll go out next weekend and get one and we can make a start on the Christmas shopping then, too. How’s that sound?”

“Yay!” He says excitedly, his eyes glinting as he jiggles in his seat.

I watch him and smile, a warm feeling exploding inside of me. It’s an effect that only he is able to bring about, a huge grin spreading across my face as he just sits there. How he came to end up in care I will never understand, because he is the sweetest kid you could ever meet; he’s so affectionate and more loyal than any dog ever could be… As corny as it sounds, he’s like a ray of sunshine. He’ll brighten even the worst mood and I’ve rarely known an atmosphere remain cold or tense when he is in its presence.

But his parents gave him up for adoption. He was four years old and had started pre-school and was doing really well. He had begun to make friends, that bouncy personality a magnet for the other kids in his class, and was taking in information better than lots of his peers. But when the teacher began to educate them in reading and writing, Johnny couldn’t do it. He was found to have a learning disability and, despite being far from stupid, his parents presumed him to be and handed him over to the social services a couple of months before his fifth birthday. I have yet to be able to fathom how they could have possibly reached that decision about a boy with such an amazing personality and many a positive asset, and yet they did. I can understand many things, but comprehending how a parent could do something like that to such a wonderful kid is as beyond me as literacy is to Johnny.

~*~

Breakfast passes without too much trouble and as ten o’clock rolls around, I collect everyone’s plates and take them into the kitchen, instructing Zacky to go and wake Brian up. Once again, I stare out of the kitchen window, this time with my arms nearly elbow-deep in the soapy washing up water.

“Ow! You fucker!”

I abandon the washing up and grab a towel to dry my hands with, running towards Brian and Zacky’s bedroom where Zack’s scream has just been heard from. Entering the room, I see Brian sitting bolt-upright in bed, his eyes huge as he stares open-mouthed at Zacky who stands crookedly in the middle of the room, his hands covering his left eye.

“Zack? ‘You okay mate?” I ask, moving towards him.

“No! Brian fucking hit me!”

I glance at Brian who stares at me, his mouth opening and closing in a fish-like manner as he goes to say something then decides against it. I can see the tears beginning to flood his eyes and offer him a sympathetic smile before turning my attention back to Zacky, prising his hands away from his face to inspect the damage. The skin around his eye is red and puffy and is split across his cheekbone, blood seeping from the wound and dribbling down his cheek.

“Come on. We’ll sort you out… Come to the bathroom.” I take him by the arm and place my other hand on his back as I lead him from the room. Matt and Johnny, who have gathered in the doorway, part to let us through. “Matt, can you go get me the icepack from the freezer, please?”

Matt looks behind me at Brian, then turns to Johnny and asks, “Can you go get the icepack, please? I think me and Bri need to talk…”

Johnny nods and bounds away ahead of me and Zack as we make our way down the hall to the bathroom. Once inside, I sit Zacky on the toilet and set about finding and wetting a washcloth and pressing it to his face, cleaning the blood away as he winces beneath my touch.

“Sorry… He got you good, didn’t he?”

“Yeah… Ow! It’s not his fault, though… He didn’t do it on purpose…”

“I know…”

“Has it stopped bleeding?”

“Not quite… I think it’s gonna bruise quite nicely…” I smile at him sympathetically. “Are you mad at Bri?”

“No. I can never be mad at him, especially when it’s not his fault… I should have shouted at him to wake him up or set an alarm or something, not shaken him and made him think someone was after him…”

Johnny enters the room and hands me the icepack, his lips pursed as though trying to hide the fact that he’s got something in his mouth.

“Thanks, John. Here, Zack, hold this against your eye. Johnny, look after him… I’m gonna go talk to Brian.”

Johnny goes over to Zacky and wraps his arms around the older boy, snuggling his head against Zee’s stomach and making small crunching sounds as his friend holds the icepack against his face and loosely drapes an arm around the ten-year-old’s shoulders.

“Are you eating ice?” Zacky asks, narrowing his suspiciously eyes at the smaller boy.

“No!” Johnny replies a little too quickly.

I laugh as I walk away and head back to Brian and Matt, knocking lightly on the door to alert them to my presence and walking in as both boys turn their heads in my direction.

“‘You okay?” I ask Brian as I sit beside him on his bed. He’s sitting with his legs dangling down to the floor and his head in his hands, facing Matt who is perched on the edge of Zacky’s bed.

“I can’t believe I hit him!”

“You didn’t mean to…”

“Of course I didn’t... I still did it though…”

From where I’m sitting I can’t see his face but his voice is thickened by tears and shakes slightly as he speaks.

“Accidents happen, mate. We all know why you did what you did and we all understand. No-one’s mad at you.”

“Zack is.”

“No, he’s not. He told me he’s not. You’re his best friend. It takes more than just a hit to the face to make him mad at you. He cares about you… He feels bad for putting you in that position…”

“Fucking hell! I hit him and he feels bad?”

I smile wryly. “That just shows what a good friend he is and how he feels about you…”

“I don’t deserve him… Why’s he so good to me when I’m such a bastard?”

At that, a lump forms in my throat, constricting my airway and leaving me unable to speak. I think Matt notices because he moves from Zacky’s bed to crouch in front of Brian, tentatively stretching his hand out to squeeze his friend’s knee in a gesture of reassurance.

“He’s good to you because he cares about you…We all do, the same way you care about us… You’re really special, Bri… I know- I know you’ve been told otherwise and I know you’ve been made to feel worthless, but you’re not. You’re anything but. You do deserve Zack. You do deserve to be cared about and treated well… I know after everything you’ve been through you find that really hard to accept, but we’re your friends and we’re here to help you on your way to being able to believe that…”

Brian nods as he looks at Matt, his dark eyes watery and tainted with sadness but a clear sense of gratitude lies deep within his irises.

“Are you gonna give me a hug?”

Hesitantly, Brian leans forward to wrap his arms around Matt’s shoulders. Matt pats his back, his hand rubbing circles against his t-shirt in an effort to comfort the younger boy.

“I love you, mate. We all do. Don’t forget that…”

“Th- Thank you,” Brian whispers. “I-I love you all, too…”

Matt smiles at him gently. “We know. Look, why don’t you go talk to Zee? Give him a hug, yeah?”

Brian nods slowly, considering the idea, then hastily brushes his hand across his eyes and takes a deep breath before standing and leaving the room.

“Well done,” I smile at Matt when I know our friend is out of earshot. He offers me a weak smile in return and hauls himself to his feet.

“I swear to God, if I ever meet his parents, I’ll kill them for leaving him feeling like this…”

I nod my agreement, my mind backtracking to the first time I met Brian. I was fourteen and had been in care for six years when a ten year old Brian arrived, jumpy and terrified of being touched. That evening when we were all sitting in the living room watching the TV, Brian sat on the window seat in the corner of the room gazing listlessly out of the window as tears made their way down his cheeks. He cried silently but every now and again he would sniff and his breathing would falter slightly, causing me to turn my head to look at him. He looked so forlorn; my heart broke and I prised myself away from Zacky who whined, then whispered that I should be careful when he realised where I intended to go. He had already felt Brian’s wrath when he had taken an interest in the new boy and grabbed his arm, his way of inviting Brian to play with him. The older boy had screamed and burst into tears, shrinking into a ball and scaring everyone away from him. Zoe had been the one to sort him out, keeping her distance and coaxing him in to silence.

With this in mind, I walked over to Brian, speaking to him in a calm voice and keeping a distance between us in order to make him feel safe. We talked for a little while, Brian seemingly wary of trusting me, but allowing his inhibitions to subside slightly in favour of gaining a friend.

Weeks passed and he slowly began to trust me and also Zacky when I reacquainted them. His past, like many of ours, remained un-talked about for months before he finally let us in on the reason that he had come to be in care. To this day, I don’t think anything has disturbed me more than his story…

By that point, Matt had also arrived at the home, with Johnny yet to join us all a year later, and we had all become good friends. We were all sitting in Brian’s bedroom just talking and enjoying eachothers’ company. Brian turned very quiet for a few moments then suddenly said, his voice quiet, that he wanted to tell us what he’d been through. In an instant, we all fell quiet and Brian began to talk.

He told us about how his parents had always been quite cold towards him but that he had believed that that was just how parents were because he had never known anything different. He told us about how he had come home from school one day when he was five to find that both of his parents were waiting for him where his mother usually waited. He told us about how they had taken him upstairs to his bedroom where his mother proceeded to touch him intimately whilst his dad watched. He told us about how his parents then swapped places, before his father began to rape him. He told us about how he could do nothing but lie there, his tiny body too weak to push his father away, as he cried and begged him to stop. He told us about how that was just the first time, about how his parents took to abusing him on a regular basis until he was ten years old when one of his teachers finally noticed the bruising on his body and reported her suspicions to the social services.

I know I wasn’t the only one who wanted to pull him in to a hug and tell him that things would get better and I know that I wasn’t the only one who held back for fear of making him uncomfortable and even more upset. I have never felt more useless in my life and I know for a fact that I wasn’t the only one whose whole world was rocked by our friend’s revelation.

~*~

“Jim? ‘Phone for you…”

“Really? Who is it?” I ask following Sean into the back room where our staff quarters are, as well as Sean’s office where the phone is located.

“Dunno… ‘Sounded serious though… ‘Asked for ‘Mr Sullivan’…”

I breathe a sigh of relief at that, knowing that it isn’t the emergency services who have come into possession of one of my friends’ phones. This number is down as ‘Jimmy work’ on all of those…

“Hello?” I ask as I pick up the phone. “Yeah, that’s me…”

I listen as the principal of Zacky, Brian and Matt’s school tells me that he needs to speak to me regarding Zacky’s behaviour. I groan inwardly but agree to an appointment, one which, whilst I do care about what Zacky’s up to, I’m sure could wait until after-school hours when I’ll have finished work. Ending the call, I leave Sean’s office and head towards the staffroom where I find him making coffee.

“‘Everything okay?”

“Not exactly. Zack had a fallout with one of his teachers. He went to walk out of the lesson and she sent him to the principal who now wants to talk to me about his behavioural issues… Oh, and as I was talking to this guy on the phone, Zack got up and left.”

“‘Left school?”

“I imagine so…”

“And you need to go talk to this guy…?”

“Yeah… Sorry… I wanted to make the appointment for after school but he insisted on doing it now.”

“Don’t worry about it. Off you go.”

“Thanks, man,” I say gratefully. Sean’s awesome. For a boss, he’s really laid back and is very understanding. He supported my decision to adopt the guys, allowing me to change my hours as and when I needed to and being lenient with breaks so that I could get things done. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours…”

“Sure. Take as long as you need…”

I smile at him as I back out of the room, respectful of the trust that he has in me, and grab my jacket off of the coat-hook in the corner. I shrug it on over my t-shirt and begin the ten minute walk across town to the school.