All I Want For Christmas

As I near the end of the passageway, that connects the front garden to the one at the back of the house, it becomes evident that the guys are still terrorising Johnny as I can hear laughter and their victim calling out for mercy. Seemingly having grown tired of throwing snow at him, they have now taken to just tickling him into submission and he always was the most ticklish person I know…

I place Zacky’s gift on the ground, watching my friends as it moves away. None of them have noticed my presence but a sharp yap suddenly draws their attention away from one another and on to the small, black blemish in the white of the snow.

“Doggy!” Johnny acknowledges then uses our friends’ subsequent distraction as a means to pull himself up and away from their hands.

“Aww!” Zacky says the minute his eyes fall on the little dog amidst the snow. Brian and Matt look at each other and grin, seemingly sharing an imaginary high-five.

Zacky stands up and walks over to the little dog which has buried its head into the snow and seems to be nipping at the grass beneath.

“Hey, you don’t wanna eat that…” Zacky says, slipping his fingers beneath the small, furry chin and prying the head upwards. “That’s not much of a tag…” he adds as his fingers move to the gift tag that hangs from the dogs collar. I take a few steps towards him and he looks up to meet my eyes as I distance myself from the shadows of the passageway. “Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Whose is…?” He asks, his question fading into silence as he looks back down at the puppy which is now sniffing his shoes.

“Haven’t you read the tag?”

I shove my hands into my pockets as he takes a hold of the tag again and folds it open, reading the damp but still readable message inside: ‘For you, Zacky. Love Jim, Matt, Brian and Johnny.’

“Oh, my- Is- Is this for real?” He asks, barely daring to be excited.

“‘Looks pretty real to me…”

“Oh my God!” He smiles as he looks from me to the puppy then back again. “Fuck! Thank you… Thank you so much.”

He jumps up and hugs me tightly, standing on tiptoes to fling his arms around my neck and then going over to the guys and doing the same, laughing when he turns around to find that the ball of black fluff has followed him across the garden.

“You’ve got a friend for life, there,” Brian smiles as he crouches down next to Zack and gently strokes the fur between the puppy’s eyes.

“Is he okay?” I ask as I drop to my haunches beside them.

“He’s perfect,” Zacky beams. “Is he really…?”

“All yours?” He nods. “Yeah. He’s your responsibility, mate. Take care of him.”

He nods eagerly, smiling again as he cups his hand around the back of the puppy’s head then strokes his fingers forwards to tickle its chin. “What’s his name?”

“He’s not got one, yet… He’s a little under four months old; we figured we’d let you name him…”

Zacky holds the dogs face gently between his hands, staring deep into its dark eyes as he thinks about its name. “Ichabod,” he decides.

“Ickawhat?” Johnny frowns.

“Ichabod,” Zacky corrects him as he strokes the dog’s soft black fur.

“Can I call him Icky? It’s easier to say…”

“Yeah, I guess. Icky’s cute.”

Johnny reaches forward to play with Icky’s tail, much to the little dog’s annoyance as he bounces away to nudge Matt’s leg with his nose.

“I’ve got some food and a bed for him in the flat but we’ll go get a few other things in a couple of days. I’ve still got a bit of your Christmas budget left so we can use that.”

“You mean, like, toys and stuff?”

“Yeah, but nothing squeaky!”

Zacky grins and nods but his attention is on Icky who’s busy nudging snow onto Matt’s sneakers. “Jim, how did you get him? Dogs aren’t cheap…”

“This one was… He came from Sean’s sister. I couldn’t afford to pay for him but she wanted you to have him so I’m doing her a couple of favours instead.”

“Thank you… You know, for doing that for me…”

“Anytime, mate” I say, pulling him against me in a one-armed hug. “It’s worth every minute if you’re happy…”

“I am,” he assures me.

“Good, I’m glad,” I smile. “C’mon, guys. I think we should take Icky inside now, before he gets sick.”

Johnny pouts at me but he’s started to shiver and so follows me obediently into the house, in a similar manner to that which Icky has adopted in regards to Zacky. Once inside, I help Johnny to remove his shoes before sending him away to change and making the others follow suit, instructing Zacky in no uncertain terms to dry Icky before he tries to shake himself dry. He hurries into the bathroom with the little dog in his arms and I head towards the kitchen to check on the dinner.

Satisfied that it’s nearly ready, I set about getting some other things sorted, emptying a bag of chips into a bowl and arranging a pack of chocolate chip cookies onto a plate and carrying them through to the living area where I set them on a small coffee table by the couch, before making my way back out to the kitchen.

“Jimmy, can we watch The Nightmare Before Christmas, please?” Johnny asks as he appears in the kitchen doorway.

I turn my attention away from the tray of mini pizzas that I’ve just removed from the oven and laugh at the sight of him. He’s changed back into his pajamas but is still wearing his woolly hat and has replaced his wet gloves with a pair of mittens.

“You’re not cold are you?” I ask as I go over to him and place a hand on his head to check that his hat’s not too wet. It’s not, I decide, as he nods, his head bobbing beneath my palm. “You’re not gonna be able to eat lunch wearing those…”

Johnny lowers his eyes to his mittens and tugs at the finger compartment of his left hand with his right, pulling it back to reveal fingerless gloves underneath and buttoning the flap to the back of the glove. “I can now,” he beams. “Can we watch The Nightmare Before Christmas while we eat dinner?”

“Sure. Check with the others first, though…”

“Okay,” he agrees as he begins to pull at his right mitten.

“Go ask them now. Dinner will be about ten minutes, alright?”

“Alright.”

I turn him around and push him forwards, smiling as he giggles and runs away. I shake my head and return to the pizzas, sliding them on to a wire rack then doing the same with some more of my frozen delights.

Taking these into the living room and placing them on the coffee table, I glance around and move a few things out of the way, where they have been left in the middle of the carpet, turning to leave seconds later and nearly running into Johnny who’s dragging a reluctant Brian towards the TV.

“You look impressed,” I comment sarcastically, smirking at Brian as Johnny pulls him to the floor and hands him the DVD box.

Brian sighs as he takes a hold of the box and opens it. “No, I’m fine. Watching Zack’s face as he dried Icky off was kinda cute, but no, I don’t mind coming to help Johnny do something that I know he can do on his own!”

Johnny pretends not to hear, focusing his attention on opening the DVD player’s disk drive and reaching out for the CD. Brian sighs as if to say ‘I told you!’, then leans back on his hands and watches as Johnny grabs the remote and begins the process of setting the TV to the correct play mode.

Brian shakes his head and looks at me with an expression that says ‘see what I mean?’. I smile at him, faking sympathy, and head back to the kitchen to get the last of the food, calling “Dinner time”, to get the others to come through as I plate up what’s left.

~*~

We watch Johnny’s movie as we eat and listen as he joins the cast in singing the songs. He can’t sing at all but his enthusiasm alone is enough to keep us from shutting him up as he puts on the various voices and tries not to dance but fails and does so in spite of his efforts.

“Johnny?” Brian cuts in thoughtfully as he looks over the arm of the sofa at where his presents are lying on the floor.

“Uh huh?” Johnny replies distractedly as he stuff’s a fry into his mouth and joins it with a bite of pizza.

“Can me and Zacky swap pictures?”

“What?” Johnny questions, nearly incomprehensible through his dinner as he turns to face Brian.

“Johnny! Finish your mouthful before talking,” I interrupt and he grins sheepishly as he covers his mouth, chews and swallows.

“Sorry, Jimmy,” he apologises, then turns to Brian again. “What did you say?”

“Would you mind if me and Zacky swapped pictures?” Brian asks again.

“Why would you want to do that? You’ve got the one of you…”Johnny asks, his head tilted in confusion.

“Yeah, and I love it, but I’d rather look at his face than mine…”

“Is that because you love him?” Johnny queries, his tone coy yet exuding a certain degree of confidence.

“Erm… Yeah, I guess…”

“Okay, if you want to,” Johnny shrugs after a minutes thought.

“Zack?” Brian checks.

“Yeah, I’m cool with that, “Zack agrees, passing his portrait over to his boyfriend and taking the one that Brian holds out to him.

Johnny smiles at the two of them, then turns back to the TV and groans exaggeratedly as he reaches for the remote. “Aw, you made me miss Oogie Boogie’s song, now!” He pouts, much to our amusement.

~*~

Sometime later when the movie’s finished, and the dinner has long since been eaten, we clear the plates away and reseat ourselves around the coffee table which has become temporarily located in front of the couch and has been hastily adorned by the new board game that Zacky gave Johnny. It’s a four-player game so me and Johnny join forces to take on the others and Johnny repeatedly pokes his tongue out at them in a ‘he’s on my side, bitches’ kind of manner until I tut at him and jab him in the ribs with my elbow.

“Play nice,” I scold him but he senses that I’m not that bothered and laughs as he moves our counter forwards on the board.

We play for hours, just spending time together and having no hard feelings when someone else wins a round. We used to do this sort of thing all the time at the home but, since I moved out, I don’t think we’ve done it once. There was just always something else to do when we met up, be it catching up on eachothers lives or celebrating a birthday or simply because someone had too much homework to be able to hang out for long. Even now that they’ve moved in with me, we’ve generally been otherwise distracted by work and school or preparations for today, but I think we’re all feeling a strange sense of nostalgia as we play.

“Your go, Zack,” Matt sighs as he finishes his turn. Zacky nods and reaches for the dice, ready to roll it until a movement at his feet pulls his attention down to the floor. Icky, who had fallen asleep with his head on Zacky’s ankles, has now woken up and is gently nudging his master’s feet with his nose, clearly bored with the lack of attention.

Reaching down with one hand, Zacky rolls the dice with the other and begins moving his counter as he strokes the dog’s muzzle with his knuckles.

“Shall we make this the last game?” I ask, sensing that the guys are growing restless. Zack clearly wants to go play with Icky and I think Matt is desperate to give Emily a call…

They all nod, Zack with his eyes still focused on his puppy, and we continue to play, finishing the game up within the hour and dispersing throughout the house for some time alone. I head into the kitchen to wash the dishes from lunch, knowing that they’ll need to be clean for dinner, and slip one of my new CD’s into the player to accompany me as I work.

“Here, I’ll give you a hand,” Brian tells me as he walks over and rolls up the sleeves of his t-shirt.

“You don’t have to… Go be with Zack if you want…”

“I think he’s happy enough on his own,” he smiles as I add a squirt of washing-up liquid to the water in the sink. “And anyway, we can’t leave you doing something as boring as washing up on your own on Christmas day…”

“Well, you could, but then you might not get any Christmas presents next year,” I tell him, raising an eyebrow at him as I submerge a couple of plates in the water.

Brian just smirks at me and laughs. “That may have worked when I was little but not now… I know you love me too much…” He adds, mock confidently.

“Yeah, that’ll be it!” I say as I roll my eyes. He elbows me and we both begin laughing as I hand him a plate to dry.

We fall into a comfortable silence as we continue to wash and dry the dishes, the CD player in the corner filling the break in conversation with a mutually-enjoyed song which seems most un-festive! I smirk at that thought and pass Brian a bowl which he takes with an amused smile forming on his face.

“What’s so funny?”

“Ah, nothing really.”

He shakes his head at me and moves to the stack of dishes that have accumulated on his side of the sink.

“You know, I wasn’t expecting Icky to be quite so cute! You said you’d got a ‘little dog’ and I thought ‘Oh, fuck! What’s he got? A Chihuahua?’ You’ve done good, though…”

“Good, I’m glad,” I smile as I place the last of the washing up onto the draining board and pull the plug from the sink. Brian returns to dry them up, putting them away as I rinse the sink of the bubbles and lean against the worktop as he finishes up. “Are you happy for Icky to sleep in your room? I know you said yes earlier when Zee asked, but if you’re not okay with that, then…”

“No, it’s okay. I’m happy. And he’s too small to be able to jump up onto my bed so I’m not gonna have him waking me up and scaring me…”

“No, I suppose not…” I muse. “Just let me know if you change your mind, okay? Zack would understand…”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks,” he smiles.

“Anytime. Look, you go see Zee or keep Johnny company or something. I’m just gonna go check my e-mails…”

“Sure,” he says, not questioning why I want to do this on Christmas day. He already knows why and that’s the reason for the sympathetic smile that’s currently gracing his features. He touches my arm and adds, his voice gentle, “I hope you get what you want.”

“Thanks,” I say weakly, taking a deep breath as he walks away. I follow him out of the kitchen and grab the laptop from the living room where Johnny is sitting amongst his presents and drawing once again.

“Jimmy!”

“Hey, mate. ’You doing okay?”

“Yeah, ’just testing my new pencils,” he informs me, gesturing to the pack that Brian gave him.

“If you’re going to use water with them, do it at the coffee table and be careful, yeah?”

“I’m always careful,” he declares then laughs as he sees me raise an eyebrow. “But I’ll be extra-careful just for you, Jim-Jim.”

“Good boy. I’ll be in my room for a bit. Come get me if you have to but do you think you could go to Brian first?”

Johnny nods. “Are you gonna do some work?” He asks, nodding at the laptop in my hands.

“No, but there’s something I need to do…”

“Okay,” he nods, knowing from experience that I’ll have already gone into detail if I wanted him to know more.

I smile at him appreciatively. “Enjoy your drawing.”

“I will! Try not to get too bored doing your not-work thing…”

“I’ll try,” I smirk, before heading for my bedroom. Once there, I close the door and sit down on my bed, plugging the laptop into a socket to keep a steady power supply and logging into my account. I take a deep breath and load up the internet, clicking onto the e-mail link in my favourites and signing on there too. Two new e-mails show as the page loads and my heart jumps into my throat as I move the mouse to open my inbox.

The first one’s from Zack. The second’s from Ella.

My heart sinks.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. Every year on Christmas day and my birthday, I log on to my e-mail account, giddy with hope, only to have myself cut down again when I discover that my inbox is once again devoid of a message from my parents.

I know that I was the one who first showed signs of not wanting to see them but once the air had cleared and I had matured a little, I wrote to them with my e-mail address and said that I’d like to get back in touch. That was six years ago, now, and they have yet to reply.

I know they received the letter. It was hand-delivered…

I refresh the page, my heart falling a little more as nothing else appears. I open the two messages, finding that Ella has wished me luck and a merry Christmas and that Zack thought it necessary to forward a rude, sexually-orientated joke. The latter makes me smile slightly but I refresh the page again and can’t help but begin to cry.

I never used to be like this… Until I sent that letter, I only ever really thought of my blood relations on passive terms, but since then I’ve felt unable to just accept that we’re no longer really a family.

“Jim?” Someone calls through the door.

“Who is it?” I ask, trying to make my voice sound stronger than it feels.

“Matt.”

“What’s up?” I ask, suspecting that Johnny’s sent him on his behalf. The door opens and I stand and turn quickly to the window, hiding my face from his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, ’course.”

“Jim! Don’t lie to me, man,” he pleads as he shuts the door.

I sniff. “I’m not,” I say, more for my own benefit than because I actually think he’ll believe me.

Matt sighs as I hear him take a seat on my bed. “Right…” He mumbles sarcastically. “So why can I hear you crying?”

I take a deep breath and sigh as I exhale, admitting defeat by turning away from the window to present to him my tear-stained face.

He meets my eyes with a sympathetic smile. “Nothing?”

I sniff and suck my bottom lip into my mouth as I shake my head, then mumble, “I don’t know why I even bother…”

“You bother because they’re your family… Whatever they’ve done, however bad they’ve hurt you; you still care about them…”

“Stupid, huh?”

“I was gonna say natural…”

I laugh softly, my face breaking into a weak smile. “I’m nineteen years old and I’m crying over an e-mail that I already knew I wasn’t going to receive. That sounds pretty stupid to me…”

“Well, yeah… I was just trying to be nice,” he smirks.

I shake my head at him but I’m still laughing as I go to my bed and take a seat beside him. I look down at where my hands are twisting in my lap, sniffing and raising one to my eyes to dry away the tears. Matt’s hand makes its way onto my thigh, squeezing it gently in an effort to comfort me.

“Are you alright?”

I nod, still not looking up at him. “I will be… Look, sorry for-”

“Don’t say ‘ruining your day’!”

I smirk at him. “Aww, you spoil all my fun!” Matt shakes his head at me, a dry smile forming on his lips. “Seriously though, you didn’t need to have to deal with me, especially not on Christmas day…”

“Mate, that’s what friends are for. You’re the only one that I’ll cry in front of and I’m the only one that you’ll cry in front of… That’s just the way it is. We don’t do it often. It’s not a problem…”

I smile weakly, nodding my agreement as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. “Thank you,” I say quietly as I hug him back, sniffing and pressing my eyes against his shoulders to dry them of my tears.

“Oi! Cheeky fuck!” Matt laughs as he feels the wet patches soaking through his t-shirt.

“I thought it was no problem…”

“I think we both know that I didn’t mean using me as a tissue,” he states, a saccharine tone shaping his meaning as he slaps me lightly across the face. We both laugh as he pulls me back into a hug and we sit like that for a while, revelling in each other’s company and enjoying the quiet around us until long after his arms and my back begin aching in protest to the position we have assumed.

By now it is late afternoon and the winter sun is beginning to set outside my window, darkening the world and bathing my room in dusk. In this moment of twilight, held in the warmth of Matt’s arms, I feel completely at ease. I glance at the laptop, still open and displaying my inbox, but the disappointment and self-pity have been replaced by a sense of removal such that I can’t physically feel upset by the lack of mail.

Matt squeezes my body and a soft smile breaks out on my face. It suddenly doesn’t matter that, from what I’ve heard, my family are better off financially now. They may not have contacted me regarding my well-being or getting back in touch, but the way I see it, I’ve kind of lost that family now… I’d love to know how my sisters are getting on, how they’ve changed, and I wouldn’t snub my parents if they suddenly contacted me, but these days I’ve got my own ‘family’ and they’re the ones that matter to me.

“Are you alright, now?” Matt checks, holding me at arms length and looking me in the eyes.

I nod and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, smiling to show him that I am okay. “I suppose we should go see the others…”

“Are you up to it?”

“Yeah, ’just need to wash my face.”

“Sure. I’ll go hold the fort in the meantime,” he assures me, grabbing me into another hug before letting go and heading out of my room. I shut down the laptop and follow his lead, slipping into the bathroom and locking myself in. Looking into the mirror over the sink, I turn the tap on and stare at my reflection, taking in my reddened eyes as I wait for the water to run hot. Once warm, I splash it onto my face and rub it against my eyes, massaging it over my temples and enjoying the soothing effect that it’s having on my skin.

Grabbing a towel and dabbing my face dry, I regard my reflection in the mirror again and am satisfied to find that the heat of the water has reddened my face slightly so that my puffy eyes no longer stand out. I smile briefly at myself and smirk at the stupidity of such an action before hanging the towel back up and letting myself out of the bathroom.

I head for the living room, half-expecting to find Johnny sitting amongst a mess of paint, but am pleasantly surprised to find that the area around him is clean and tidy. Matt has taken a seat at the end of the couch and is watching as our friend paints, a faint smile on his face hinting at his admiration. He diverts his attention to me for a moment, checking that I’m okay, but turns back to Johnny when I nod my reply.

“Jimmy! Have you finished not-working?” Johnny asks as I wander over to take a look at what he’s doing.

Matt’s face takes on a confused expression but I just shake my head in answer to his questioning eyes and smile at Johnny as I ruffle his hair. “Yeah, I’m all done.”

“Yay! Are you gonna make dinner, now, then?” He asks, tilting his head back and looking up at me with wide, expectant eyes.

“Dinner? Are you hungry already?” He nods eagerly, a sheepish grin breaking out across his face as I roll my eyes. “You’re always hungry!” He just giggles. “Alright, alright… I’ll put it on in a bit…” Johnny pouts at me and slumps his shoulders. “Half an hour, okay? Half an hour…”

He shoots me a toothy smile and, though it’s sorely tempting to ‘tut’ at him and knock him round the head, his happiness is infectious and I can’t help but laugh as he picks up his pencil and innocently resumes his drawing.

~*~

“Johnny, do you think it’s time you went to bed?” I ask, looking over at where he’s cuddled up next to Matt, his head lolling against Matt’s chest as his eyes droop shut. He shakes his head in response but he’s so tired, it barely moves. I stand from my chair and walk over to them both, snaking my arms around his body and lifting him away from Matt.

“I don’t wanna go to bed,” he moans, his voice slurred with sleep.

“Mate, it’s nearly eleven o’clock… You had a late night yesterday; you need some sleep.”

“But…”

“But what?”

“I don’t want today to end…”

“Why?” I ask as he curls into my body and lets me carry him to his room.

“I’ve had fun… Today’s been the best Christmas ever,” he says sleepily.

I swallow the lump that’s risen into my throat, holding back the tears that I can feel pricking the backs of my eyes as my weak voice asks, “R-Really?”

“Yeah… Today’s been perfect…”

I laugh softly, more to stop myself breaking into tears than anything else, and lay him down on his bed, easing the blankets out from beneath him and pulling them over his body. He rolls onto his side and snuggles his face into the pillow, his eyelids fluttering closed for a moment before opening again so that he can look up at me.

“I’m glad you’ve enjoyed yourself, mate…” I smile as I stoop to press a kiss to his forehead. “You get some sleep now, yeah? We can have fun again tomorrow…”

He nods. “I love you, Jimmy.”

“I love you too, mate,” I whisper, kissing him again and stroking his cheek before turning the light off and adding, “Sleep tight…”

“…Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” he finishes, the way he used to when we lived back at the home.

I smile at him then walk out of the room, pulling the door closed behind me. Leaning against the wall, I hastily wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, ridding them of the tears that have collected there over the past few minutes; such was the happiness that Johnny’s words evoked within me.

“Jim? Are you alright, mate?”

I look up to find that Zacky is walking down the hall towards me, Icky trailing behind him and sniffing at the carpet. I nod, a small smile appearing on my face as I tilt my head back against the wall.

“I think Johnny’s just made my lifetime…”

“I’m sure that’s not as weird as it sounds…” He muses, a quizzical expression twisting his features.

“He told me that today’s been his favourite Christmas…” I say, unable to stop the relief and excitement from creeping into my voice.

“Aww, man!” He grins, stepping over Icky to give me a hug. “That’s awesome!”

“I know,” I laugh. “I’ve spent pretty much the entire year working to make today special. That even one of you thinks it’s been okay makes every single second worthwhile.”

“I can see that,” he smiles, a small laugh rippling from his throat as he notes my happiness. “You’ve done an amazing job… None of us could ask for more.”

I laugh. “Stop it! You’ll make me cry,” I say as I stare bashfully down at Icky.

“I think it’s a bit late for that, isn’t it? Judging by the colour of your eyes, I’d say you’ve already been there…”

“God, is it that obvious?”

“Yeah, kinda,” he says, grinning lopsidedly. “Look, we’re heading to bed now… Bri and Matt are just tidying the living room up… Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead…”

“Don’t say anything until I’ve finished, okay?” He pauses until I nod, then continues. “Would you mind if me and Brian shared a bed tonight? It’d be a bit of a squash but there is enough room… We don’t want to have sex or anything, we just- We just want to be close to each other…”

“‘You promise there’ll be nothing inappropriate?”

“Neither of us are ready for that. We just want to hold each other, as soppy as that sounds,” he assures me as a light blush colours his cheeks. “Please, Jim… It is Christmas…”

“Alright.”

“What?” He asks, his eyes snapping up to look at me.

“I said ‘alright’: you two can share a bed. You don’t have to ask or justify yourselves, but please, nothing more than cuddling, okay? Johnny doesn’t need to hear any of the other stuff and I’m sure Matt’s like me and doesn’t want to hear any of it.”

“Jim! I swear we’re not gonna go that far.”

“I know you’re not, I was just reminding you of the ground rules… Like I said, you don’t have to ask.”

He smiles at me as he throws his arms around my neck. “Thank you,” he whispers into my ear. “You’re the best.”

“I try, mate, I try,” I say matter-of-factly as I return his hug and kiss the top of his head. “You go get changed, now. I’m just gonna go put the kitchen in order, but I’ll come say goodnight when I’m done, okay?”

“There’s no need… I did the kitchen already.”

“You did?” I ask, sounding far more surprised than I should when considering the fact that the guys always seem to be willing to give me a hand.

“Yup. I figured it was the least I could do after you gave me Icky,” he says, drawing our eyes down to where the little dog has begun to wander away from us.

“You really like him?”

“I can’t believe you even have to ask that… Don’t tell Johnny but Icky’s definitely the best gift ever…”

I laugh at that. “I’m glad,” I say, suddenly yawning and clamping my hand to my mouth.

Zacky smiles down at his puppy. “C’mon, Icky. I think Jimmy wants to go to bed…”

I pat his shoulder appreciatively and watch as he walks away, calling to Icky to follow in a voice hushed so as not wake Johnny. Smiling, I turn and head for the kitchen, a curious part of me wanting to see how good a job Zacky has done.

He has done a good job: the surfaces are spotless and there’s nothing left out on the side as even the leftovers have been placed into a bowl and put into the fridge. A sense of pride washes through me as I close the door and move to turn the light off.

Walking out into the hallway, I approach the thermostat on the wall and set the heating to come on in the morning, then wander into the living room to check on Matt and Brian.

“Are you guys about done?”

“Yup, one second,” Brian replies as he moves towards the tree and flicks the switch for the lights into the off position, plunging the room into darkness. “Done.”

“Come on, then. We’d best get to bed or Johnny’ll wake up before we even lay down!”

“Man, don’t even joke about it,” Matt warns me, shaking his head but laughing as we follow him out of the room.

“Jim, has- Has Zack spoken to you?”

I glance over at Brian and sling my arm around his shoulders. “He might have…”

“And you said…?”

“You’ll have to ask him that…” I answer, allowing my voice to take on a slightly more serious tone in hope of confusing him.

Brian rolls his eyes at me and jabs my side with his elbow. “Meanie,” he states childishly, poking his tongue out in my direction.

“Ah, you love me for it,” I tell him, waving my hand dismissively to show him that I’m not bothered.

“Alas, I do,” he says dramatically, placing his hand over his heart and sniffing until I shove him playfully in the general direction of the bathroom. Matt laughs at us and shakes his head, muttering something about ‘children’ as he walks towards Brian and Zacky’s room, presumably to say goodnight to Zacky.

I walk into my room and peel my hoodie off, dropping it onto the floor and joining it with my t-shirt a moment later. I take an old Metallica shirt from the closet and pull it on, shivering as the cold fabric comes into contact with my back and rubbing my arms vigorously in an attempt to warm them against the chilly air.

I hear the look on the bathroom door disengage and this is closely followed by a short exchange between Matt and Brian before the door closes again and footsteps make their way down the hall. The water in the bathroom begins to run once more and so I fill my wait by tidying my room quickly, pulling dirty clothes off the floor and taking them to the laundry bin in the hallway cupboard. Returning to my room, I unplug the laptop from the mains and take it over to my desk before finally hearing the bathroom door open again and leaving my room to go and brush my teeth.

“Good night, mate,” I say to Matt as we cross paths in the hallway.

“You too,” he replies, patting me on the back then thinking better of it and hugging me for a brief moment. I hug him back then let him go, heading into the bathroom as he slips quietly into the darkness of his and Johnny’s room.

I take my time in the bathroom, allowing myself a few moments to revel in the relief that knowing today has been successful has induced within my mind. For the first time in days I feel truly relaxed, the stress of the preparations now evidently worthwhile and thankfully over. I resist the urge to smile at my reflection and laugh instead, liking the way that I can already see how my anxieties are fading away.

I turn the faucet off and dry my face and hands with the towel, taking my time and making sure that I’m completely dry before I return the towel to the rack and leave the bathroom. I head for Brian and Zacky’s room, knocking gently against the closed door and entering when Brian gives me the go-ahead.

“Night, guys,” I say from the doorway, smiling warmly at where the two of them are curled up against each other in Zacky’s bed.

“Night, Jim,” they say nearly simultaneously which causes us all to giggle.

“You’re like an old, married couple already,” I joke, winking at them as I shift my weight slightly onto the other foot.

“If Brian wasn’t holding my hands, I’d flash you the bird…”

“It’s a good job he is, then… I wouldn’t want to have to send him back to his own bed,” I threaten but it’s all in good humour. Zacky pokes his tongue out at me, but I turn away slightly and mumble, “I’ll pretend I didn’t see that…”

“’Love you, Jim!” Zacky whispers loudly and before I have time to reply, Brian pipes up.

“I love you more!”

“Hey! I thought you loved me more,” Zacky pouts, a wounded expression covering his features.

“Oh, Jesus! I’m outta here,” I groan as I step out of their room. “Night lads.”

“Night!”

I close the door behind me and hurry away lest I should end up embroiled in an argument about who loves who more. Reaching the safety of my room, I shut myself in and remove my jeans, kicking them onto my newly tidied floor and crawling into bed, only realising how tired I am as I pull the covers up around my shoulders and lay my head down on the pillows.

My eyes move to the photo on my nightstand and I smile softly to myself as I reach out and brush my fingers over four of the faces in the picture. You know, it’s funny: if you’d asked me ten years ago where I’d be today, I’d probably have told you that I was going to be a spy or, somewhat more realistically, a fireman. I guess I saw myself as living in a reasonable sized house with a semi-flash car on the driveway, perhaps even with a good looking girl there with me, but things change…

If you’d asked me the same question five years ago, my answer would have seemed far bleaker. Aged 14, I had been waiting nearly a year to receive some sort of response to the letter I’d sent to my parents and that, combined with all the crap that I’d had to learn to deal with from people that deplored me, had left me feeling thoroughly depressed. I don’t think it was anything serious, just an ongoing feeling of complete and utter worthlessness that numbed me and diminished the remnants of my self-esteem. I don’t think I ever really reached the point that I wanted to die but I came pretty close and kind of fell into a pit of despair that I figured I’d never come out of.

The guys pulled me through, though, just by being there and giving me something to live for. To this day, I don’t think any of the others have really realised what they did for me and it’s only in the last few months that I’ve really come to look after them as a father-like figure, but back in those days, just having someone else to care for and take an interest in helped me to see that I wasn’t the only one going through a hard time. That in itself gave me incentive enough to pick myself up; it motivated me into becoming strong enough to support those around me, to help them through the shit that life had thrown at them.

Since then, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Their happiness means so much more to me than my own and I strive to make them smile. I know that I’ll never be able to make right the wrongs that they’ve been subjected to and I know that I’ll never be able to replace their families, but I hope to at least make what they’ve got worth living for. They did that for me all those years ago and it seems only right that I should repay the favour…

It seems like a horrible thing to think but I’m almost glad that our lives have turned out the way they have. Having no family to speak of and receiving little respect from others hardly seems desirable but without all that, we may never have met each other. Aside from the fact that Johnny’s too young for any of us to have been able to meet him through school and that Zacky used to live in the catchment area for another school, it was never outwardly obvious that we shared similar experiences or interests and thus, I think, it would have been unlikely that our first impressions would have drawn us together. We’re close now, of course, but I honestly believe that things could have turned out to be completely different if our paths hadn’t crossed at the Home.

We’ve grown up a lot since the days when we first met each other but we’re still the same people inside. We still need each other and we still care about each other and, amazingly, we still want to stay friends for a long time to come. We’re still young and we’ve got most of our lives ahead of us- it’s hard to tell where things are going to go from here- but I know that we’re going to work to stay together. Whether we move away from each other or move into a bigger house, to accommodate a growing need for our own space, remains yet to be seen but I think our friendship is strong enough to withstand any separations. I hope it is, anyway. That’s all we’ve ever wanted…