I Know I'm Not The One You Call When You Are Alone

I had finished writing my letter to Joshua, I’d filled it with some good memories, some sad times and some weightlifting facts, he had to know everything. Pouring your heart out on paper can be the easiest yet the hardest thing to do knowing who the person on the receiving end is, my only saving grace is when he finds out how I feel it won’t be likely to wreck a friendship; he did that all by himself. It’s been about a year since I last spoke to him, I still keep in touch with Max, Dan, Chris & Matt and see them as regularly as I can but now I’m finishing college, I have a job and I’m moving away once this scholar year is over, plus the band is really taking off, they’re not home so much anymore.

One thing that hasn’t changed though; I’m still in love with Josh. I’ve tried to fight the feelings off like a nasty cold but they won’t leave, he’s still got a hold over me. This letter is supposed to be some sort of closure, I’m trying so hard to let him go, close the book on that chapter of my life and move on, he clearly has so I should stop dwelling on the past and live my life without thinking that one day he’ll knock on my door for a talk or I’ll see him in the street and it will be like old times. I know it won’t.

Slipping the letter into an envelope, I wrote the boys name on the front, close to tears that I was using this to let go of everything and mainly scared of what the outcome could possibly be after he has read it. I shook my head to erase my thoughts and willed my eyes to clear, it’s not a matter worth crying over, I’ve wasted the past 7 years doing that, it hasn’t changed anything; it’s simply not worth it.

I slipped on my boots and shrugged on my winter coat to shield myself from the icily bitter December wind and placed the letter in the middle of my shoulder bag whilst I left my home. Max caught me on the way out as he was leaving his driveway next to mine, it was always a comfort having him live so close, he was there on those lonely nights when I had never felt so alone, he talked me through all of the stupid things I thought of doing but never did, he had been the person Josh always was, he was there for me.

“Where are you heading?” the boy asked me as he lit his cigarette, I’d given up scolding him about it, I didn’t seem to have enough impact on a person’s life for them to stop a nasty habit.

“The Franceschi’s.” I pursed my lips and glanced at Max, he raised an eyebrow in surprise.

“May I be so bold as to ask why?” Knowing a shrug would certainly not suffice with my newest best friend I simply sighed.

“I wrote Joshua a letter,” confusion was etched on Max’s face, “it has memories in it, when we first met, his 16th birthday, first show, first tour, everything. And the fact I love him.”

I could tell he was shocked but he placed a comforting arm around my shoulder and let me rest on him if only just for a minute. I was feeling emotionally drained, a year of being on the verge of a breakdown takes its toll but I’m going to force myself to smile again, to know that it’s not the end of the world…it’s just love.

“Do you need some moral support when you go?” He asked me whilst stroking my forearm with his right hand.

“I’d love some however I think I need to do this alone, plus I’m not planning on seeing him, I think it would be best if I give it to his mum and let her pass it on. Call me chicken but it’ll only be harder if I see his face, you know it’ll be harder for me to leave.” Nodding his head Max removed his arm and turned me so I was stood directly in front of him before placing his hands on my shoulders.

“If you need me or you see him then I’m only a phone call away, I’ll be there in a shot, understand?” A small smile crept onto my face at the fact I had his amazing support, “Thank you Max.” I hugged him tightly before releasing the boy and taking a step backwards, ‘I’ll call you or drop round when I’m back okay? I’ll be fine I promise.” I waved before leaving my driveway and walking the short distance to the Franceschi’s home.

Walking up the pathway that I had walked so many times my feet stopped cooperating with my mind, I stopped dead. Josh was stood in the living room window staring out. It was only then that I realised the weather change. Snow. He was watching the ever falling snow as it hit the floor. Snow was meant to make people happy, you relate it with fun and happiness, why couldn’t it just have been raining for God’s sake? I half turned to walk back out of the drive so the boy in the window wouldn’t realise who I was and I could avoid the awkwardness that would be sure to come. However, like we’ve already established, life was not on my side today in the slightest.

I could hear the front door open, I was praying he hasn’t opened it and it was his sister or his mum or someone, anyone but him.

“Lex?” the confused boy called out. Not now tears, not now.

Biting my lip I turned to face him, he looked more beautiful than he had ever been, this was hard already, “Not now Josh.” I shook my head and turned away again.

“Why did you come here then if you’re just going to walk away from me?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore; you weren’t supposed to be here.”

“I live here Alexa, where exactly did you expect me to be?”

“Anywhere but here.”

His footsteps were heard as he walked over the crunching pebbles, “Seriously why are you here? Not like I’m not happy because I am, I’ve missed you.”

“I’m probably going to regret this because you’re actually here right now but I wrote this for you,” I handed him the letter from my bag, “I was planning on giving this to your mum and asking her to place it into the hands of you but I guess that’s now my job.”

Joshua took the envelope from my hands, “Am I okay to open this now?” I just nodded.

“Maybe I should leave whilst you read that.”

“You should stay.”

I watched his eyes as he opened the letter out and proceeded to read it, his eyes scanned the words I had produced on the page; his hand was shaking a little. Waiting for him to finish reading was like waiting for Christmas when it’s only the 26th December.

After a minute or two of staring at the floor I glanced back up at him and saw tears in his eyes, I realised he had finished as he folded the paper up and stared at me completely speechless, “We were always meant to be more than friends; my mum always told me that we were made for each other.”

My eyes were filling as I sighed, he hadn’t mentioned the fact that I told him I loved him, “Yeah but a relationship isn’t meant to be one sided, we clearly would never have worked.”

“Who said it was one sided?”

“Well you haven’t exactly told me that you wanted more from our friendship or that you liked me more than what I’ve always thought so therefore, as far as I am concerned, it would be one sided.”

“You’ve never been more wrong in the entirety of your life,” he muttered as he raked a hand through his snow infested hair, “I can’t believe you never figured it out.”

“Figured what out?” Now I was confused, call me stupid but I’m really not following him.

“I’ve crushed on you since that first day in reception, I was 4 but I wasn’t stupid. I guess I fell in love with you when I was around the age of 14.”

“Then why didn’t you just tell me Josh? It was pretty plain that I felt the same way, no friends behave the way we do…did.”

“I was scared, you hadn’t completely let on to how you felt and I was not willing to lose my best friend just because I was in love her, it didn’t seem worth it. I had a couple of girlfriends to keep my mind off you I guess, I wanted to make you jealous too, see how you would react.”

“Well you succeeded, when you stated dating Lauren I was crushed, I’ve never been so devastated in my life. Do you remember the huge argument we had in Max’s kitchen that night? I was jealous, I was angry, I was so upset that she had you and you were staying away from me, that’s such a shitty feeling Josh.” My tears were falling by this point, I didn’t want to be here anymore, I wanted Max and I wanted to go home, I just knew that Josh was nowhere near finished with this conversation.

“I know and I am SO sorry Alex, I’m sorry for crushing you and pushing you out this past year, I just hated the way things were left the night before I left for tour, I thought by kissing you things would change and you’d understand the way I felt but you pushed me away, I didn’t understand, I still don’t if you claim to love me.”

“Do you think I want to be the ‘other girl’, the one you cheat on your girlfriend with? Josh, I’ll admit it I do love you, I always have and I wanted nothing more than that kiss but not in those circumstances and not when you had a girlfriend, that’s not fair for you just to throw that at me! I’ve been a mess this past year and I don’t mean to harsh but I blame you for that, acting like I don’t exist is horrible Josh, I was devastated.”

“I wish I could go back and redo this past year again but with the information I know now and everything would be different, please don’t hate me for this. I never ever ever meant to hurt you, you mean so much to me.”

“I know, I just wish things had ended differently but the past is in the past and we have to move on.”

“Where do we stand now?”

“I have no idea; nothing will be easy considering I’m moving away and all.”

The pair of us went silent; he had no idea that I was leaving Weybridge.

“Yo-you’re leaving?”

“Yes Josh, I’m moving up to Liverpool to stay with family for a while, I need a break from this place.”

“But…this is your home, you don’t need to go.” He was beginning to sound a little deflated and heartbroken.

“I do, I need to be away from all of this, I can’t just pass you in the street knowing that nothing is the same, this conversation hasn’t changed my mind, I’m sorry.”

“What part of I love you are you missing? I don’t want you to go, I want you to stay here, be friends, be together, anything! I’ve lost you this past year but now we’ve talked I feel like I somewhat have you back, I can’t let you walk away now when we know how each other feels. Don’t do this.” His sentence was breaking as his voice was cracking, I couldn’t bear to look at his face, just from his voice I knew he was crying. My own tears were once again falling faster than the never ending snow.

Joshua placed his right hand on my chin and raised my head to look at him, staring into my bluey-grey orbs he said. “Alexa Leanne Miller, I love you so fucking much and I’m sorry it’s taken me 4 years to tell you, I regret everything I have done to hurt you, you didn’t deserve a single thing I did to break your heart and I don’t deserve you in anyway but I can’t let you leave without asking you one simple question, it’s not ideal but would you consider staying just a little longer? Let us take a chance at a relationship? If it doesn’t last or you can’t do it anymore then I’ll let you go without a single protest, I’ll respect your decision, I just want one more chance, I’m begging you as my best friend and my first love. Please?” He was sobbing as he asked me, as much as my head was telling me it was the stupidest idea to let him back in so easily, my heart was aching and telling me I had to give this boy a shot, he was worth my love so he should be worth just a little more of my time, I’ll regret it forever if I don’t take this opportunity.

“I-I know this won’t be easy and I feel stupid for saying this but I can’t help but want to try, I love you and this is what I’ve always wanted. I’ll give you a chance but I just beg you to look after me, I’m such a wreck these days that I need some to care, please Josh, just promise me that.” I said as I clutched his chest and sobbed against him.

His arms wrapped around my shaking frame, ‘I promise you Lex, I promise you everything you want, I promise you the world. I love you and you don’t know how much it means to me to hear you say that back to me.”

“I love you too Josh, just don’t make me regret this.”

“Never,” He grinned as he passionately kissed me in the icy, December snow.

I was content; for now.