Love or Lust

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you down stairs? Why are you crying?” Tom asked concern in all of his features.
“You’re leaving…” I shoved my face into a pillow.
“Come on, Ella. Don’t do this you should be happy.” Tom cooed trying to stop me from crying.
“Why should I be happy? My best friends are leaving me!” I yelled sitting up.
“Not all of us are leaving Sammy will be here.” That was a fact, but I still didn’t want them to go.
“It’s not the fucking same!” I yelled before storming out of his room and the house itself. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to think, and for the first time since I met him, I wanted to be away from Tom fucking Kaulitz.
I went to the park and sat on the swings. Here I could cry alone. It was about 8 at night so no one was around. I hid my face in my hands and silently began to cry again.
I so badly wanted them to stay. I wanted to tell Tom how I felt. I wanted to be with him in the way other girls have and to just be with him. I wanted to be his and I wanted him to be mine. I wanted Bill to stay because he was my shopping buddy and my best guy friend.
Gustav was my big protector who would defend me from any asshole.
Georg, well he was my big teddy bear.
All three of them were important to me and I had now clue how I was going to live without them. They were a needed part of my pathetic life. I would always call Bill when my parents were fighting and where would I stay on the weekends? I mean it wouldn’t be right to stay with Gordon and Simone when they’re kid free.
I sighed as I thought I had control over my crying. Tears were still sliding down my cheeks, but I was beginning to stop crying. I guess I didn’t notice that Tom was now sitting on the swing next to me. “I’m sorry, Ella.”
“Go away. I don’t want to talk.” I sighed again as I felt my emotions were going to spill out again.
“I think we should talk, Ella.” He placed a hand on the one that was sitting on my lap.
“Don’t touch me.” I snapped rudely. He took his hand away from mine.
“Ella…I don’t know what to do. You know we all have wanted this for the longest time. We’re all happy and you are really making us all feel shitty about it, because you’re not happy.” He was staring a hole in the side of my head. I was refusing to look at him.
“I am happy…I just don’t want any of you to go…” I mumbled.
“Ella, we have to go. You know that.”
“I know ,but there’s a difference between knowing and not wanting.” My voice cracked.
“We won’t be gone forever. It’s only a year.”
“A year! I didn’t hear that part! You’re going to be gone a year! You’re going to forget about me and never come back and then I’ll have a relapse and then you’ll hate me if you come back!” After that was said I couldn’t breathe. I was having an anxiety attack. Tom was trying to get me to breathe after a while, which seemed like forever, it finally stopped and I tried to calm myself down so it wouldn’t happen again.
“I’m sorry.” Tom said again.
“It’s okay…” I finally looked at him. “I’ll just have to get over it. I’m happy for you guys, just promise you won’t forget.”
“I could never forget you. You are the biggest idiot in my life and I’m going to miss getting annoyed for a year.” He smiled.
“Uh-huh. Well let’s go back to the house. You need to go get packed.” I stood up. I wasn’t going to cry anymore…at least until they left.
Tom nodded then stood up. We walked back to the house in silence. I went to Bill’s room and for once laid in his bed. I fell asleep in his bed. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I wanted everything that happened today to just be a horrible dream.