Blinded

My legs hurt. I think my muscles are disappearing – falling. It’s because I’m standing still.
I keep singing – trying not to let it bother me – but it hurts. It’s like my calves are being stretched, and all I want is to fold them up, but I can’t. If I stand on my toes, then I just use the muscles that ache – which hurts even more.
So I stand still. Perfectly still.

“It huuurts!” I whined like a baby, but it huuurt!

“Oh, stop crying. It’s just a sprained ankle,” Mikey complained. He hated it when people complained – which was why he complained.

“But it still-“

“Don’t! Do not finish that sentence.” Mikey stared at me – daggers in his eyes, directed towards me.
The door to the bus opened and in limped Frank. He’d twisted his knee. He held on to any surface he could hold on to as he limped through the bus.
He threw himself on the couch next to me. I jumped at the sudden movement and my stomach hurt a bit.
He didn’t whine. He didn’t say a thing. He just started rubbing his knee.

I should have learned from him. I should’ve learned everything from him.
I should’ve noticed him more.

“Hey, any of you seen Frank?” It was hard to hold back a smile and a laugh, but I managed.

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him all day,” Mikey said – frowning deeply and shaking his head. He’d always been the actor of the family.

“Me neither,” I said. Frank’s hair tickled my chin.

“Oh, fuck you!” Frank dug an elbow into my stomach and I stumbled back. I couldn’t hold back my laugh anymore, and since I’d already lost my balance, I fell onto my knees and grabbed a hold of my stomach.
“Oh, look who’s short now!” I wiped away my tears and looked up at Frank – still giggling.
Frank smirked evilly at me, then placed his shoe on my shoulder and pushed me. I fell back.

He’s always pushed me – pressured me. Hasn’t he?

“Come ooon!” Frank begged – his hands folded and his eyes huge.

“Frank, no!” I turned around and walked away from him. I felt a little guilty for turning him down, but he couldn’t keep doing this.

“But you did it last time!” I could actually hear his angry pout that was on his lips. I was annoyed with his never-ending begging, but guilt was dominating my body – practically ripping my stomach apart.
I sighed and turned around.

“Fine.” I didn’t even look at his face as I agreed.
“But no touching! Just lip-locking, okay?” I looked him dead in the eye as I expressed my last word firmly. He just smirked back.

“Of course.” He smiled viciously at me, before he turned around and strolled through the bus towards the bunks.
I knew he was satisfied. Which was why I didn’t understand why my stomach still hurt after he’d just gotten his will.

I freeze. The words of the song stops – my lips and vocal cords shutting down completely. I’m still holding on to the mic – I can feel its hot metal against my slightly sweaty fingers – but I’m completely frozen. From head to toe – frozen.
Ray’s guitar comes to a screeching stop – the strings sounding tortured. The rest of the instruments follow – coming to sudden holds. The rhythm guitar plays its last few tunes, before the music disappears completely.

“Gerard?” Ray’s voice is quiet – very quiet.

“Gee? What’s going on? Gerard?” Mikey’s voice is slightly louder – sounding struggled, worried and panicked.
He shakes my shoulder lightly. I almost lose my balance.
“Shit. Worm!” he yells – half into the mic, half towards backstage.
“Fuck.”
Suddenly I fall backwards – being caught in two big, familiar arms.
I lean my head back, but as Worm starts to walk, the bouncing hurts my neck.
I lift my head up and lean it against Worm’s huge bicep.
Soon the screams, shouts and noise from the crowd fades away, and I know I need to snap out of it and say something – tell them I’m okay.
“It might be an aneurism! The contusion could have fucked something up!” Mikey’s voice sounds beyond panicked. I need to snap out of my frozen state and say something – insure them that I’m okay.
But I can’t.
“We need to get him to the hospital! I can’t lose him!” Mikey’s crying. I can hear it – his voice is shaking and moving into hysteria.
I snap.

“No.” My voice isn’t loud, but it’s firm.

“Gerard!” I suddenly feel Mikey’s arms wrap around me and Worm stops dead in his tracks. I wrap one arm around my brothers thin shoulders.

“I’m okay. Nothing’s wrong. I’m okay. I just froze. I’m okay. It’s okay.” I keep rambling – saying everything but what’s going through my mind.
I sigh long and deep as I bury my head in my brother’s hair.
I never saw that Frank was in love with me.
And worse; I never saw that I was in love with him too.
All the stomach aches – all my heart breaks – all lead back to him.
I should put that in a lyric.