Excuse The Obscene

The only thing worse than being left alone is being left alone with your own anger. Zacky had rounded up the guys and gone off almost two hours ago. It was a little past midnight and I hadn’t heard anything yet despite trying the cells of all the guys.

When Brian had burst into Zacky’s office earlier and said there’d been a problem with Slade, ZZacky had tightened up and gone into action. Whoever this guy was, he apparently warranted everyone’s immediate attention. Who the fuck was he?

I looked down at my phone and tried a different number this time. The phone rang four times and I was about to hang up when someone finally picked up.

“What’s wrong?” Drew’s groggy voice flowed through the phone.

“What did you find out about Michael Slade?”

“Toni it’s almost one in the morning - ”

“What did you find out?” I cut him off.

He sighed and I heard shifting on the other side.

“I made a couple calls but I think we should talk about this tomorrow. You might want to hear this in person.”

“Tell me.” I growled with impatience.

There was a long pregnant pause before Drew spoke again.

“Slade was Zacky’s brother-in-law”

I paused for a second to comprehend Drew’s words.

“That’s not possible. Zacky doesn’t have a sister.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line and I could hear Drew’s even breathing.

“Michael Slade was Zacky’s wife’s brother.”

Zacky’s wife.

Zacky’s wife.

Zacky’s wife.

The words bounced around in my head, separating and jumping back together again. Zacky. Wife. Zacky. Wife.

“Toni.” Drew’s voice yanked me back.

“Wife.” I wasn’t sure if I was whispering the word to Drew or to myself.

“What happened to her?” For the years I had known Zacky and the guys no one had so much as accidentally slipped the slightest hint to an ex-wife.

“Well she tried to kill him.” Drew said.

“What?” I pressed my fingers to my temple, trying to force my brain to process all the information coming in at once.

“I called around but I haven’t figured out the full story. But I do know this- Michael Slade was a big time dealer throughout California and Lesley Slade was his little sister. Zacky knocks her up and one shotgun wedding later, everyone’s family. A few months later, Lesley’s trying to kill Zacky and it escalates into a full out war. I don’t know what went down in those months but the whole thing ended in a lot of bloodshed. Both Slades drop off the grid and that’s the end of that.”

“And now Michael’s back…” I said more to myself than to Drew. When I’d gone rooting into Zacky’s past I hadn’t expected anything nearly this complicated. What other demons did Zacky have in his closets?

“What happened to Lesley? And the baby?” I asked, my anger clear in my tone.

“I told you. Off the grid. No one’s heard from her or about her.” Drew must have read the tension in my voice because he kept talking. “Don’t do anything rash Toni. There’s too much missing information so just wait for me to find out the rest before you overreact.”

Overreact. My boyfriend had an ex-wife and a child I knew nothing about. Any reaction I had would be entirely legitimate. There is no such thing as an overreaction in a situation like this.

“I have to go.” I hung up and threw my phone down before Drew had the chance to respond.

I jumped up from the bed I shared with Zacky and ran down to his office. Last time I’d broken in, I’d made sure to leave everything intact; I didn’t give him that same courtesy this time.I tore open cabinets and drawers, not entirely sure of what I was looking for. Pictures of some woman, letters to a kid. Anything.

I flung papers around and tossed full drawers to the floor. I picked every locked box or cabinet I came across and dug through their contents. I emptied off the bookshelf and the wall mount where Zacky kept his weapons. I went so far as to turn over chairs and look beneath the carpet.

Finally I fell to the floor and looked around at the destruction I had done. And all for nothing. There was no birth certificate, wedding papers, pictures, letters or even the name Lesley written anywhere.

As I sat in the middle of the mess I created and contemplated my next move, the sound of the door slamming echoed in the distance.

I jumped up from the floor and ran down the hall. I was livid and I needed answers.

Zacky stalked into the house, his face set in stone.

“You fucking asshole –” before I could continue, Zacky walked right by me and up the stairs.

I turned to follow him but before I could take a step, a hand shot out and grabbed my arm, spinning me around.

Val pulled me to her and I growled in anger.

“Stop.” Val whispered harshly. “I know you’re pissed off about all the secrets and being left out but now isn’t the time to go off about it.”

It occurred to me that Val didn’t realize I knew everything now and that was the cause for my rage. I was just about to inform her when she stopped me with her words.

“We found Jason’s body sliced up in his apartment. He was close to Zacky, so instead of fighting why don’t you try to talk to him. I only came to let you know.” Val said as she made her way back out the door.

The angry breath I’d been holding wooshed out of me. Jason Berry had been one of the few men whose loyalty Zacky had undying faith in. Zacky didn’t trust many people, and outside of the guys and Val (who are all family), he trusted practically no one. But Berry had been a longtime follower and friend to Zacky.

I was still livid, still hurt. But my pain could take the backseat to Zacky’s pain.

I took another deep breath and made my way to the bedroom I shared with Zacky. I found him sitting hunched over on the bed with his hands clasped together and glaring at the wall. He didn’t look up when I walked in.

Silently, I climbed onto the bed behind him. Zacky stayed stiff as I slid my legs down each side of him and laid my head on his shoulder.

“What’re you going to do now?” I asked softly, massaging his shoulders as I spoke.

“I’m going to find him and rip his throat out.” Zacky’s voice was rough and slow.

There was a moment’s pause before I broke the silence again.

“I’m sorry about Jason.”

Zacky didn’t respond.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Again no response. I knew Zacky. He didn’t take lightly to being challenged. The death of Jason would hit him on so many levels. This wasn’t some random lackey. Slade had struck where he knew it would hurt. If he could get to Jason, he was close. Too close.

For a moment fear struck me. Exactly how close was he? What if it was Val or one of the guys next? And then the blatant fact of the matter hit home for me. Slade was after Zacky ultimately. And he was getting closer.

And it finally settled in that despite how infuriating Zacky’s secretive nature was, he did it with good intentions. He did it so I wouldn’t have to feel the tingling, nauseating sensation of fear. Fear of a man with a vendetta and the power to strike close to home.

I tightened my grip on Zacky with my right hand and placed my left hand over his heart.

“I know you’d give anything to protect us all but you don’t have to carry all that pressure all the time.” I whispered into this shoulder. “And I know this won’t change anything or make things better but I’m here for you Zacky.”

Zacky put his hand over mine before turning his head and pressing his lips to mine. He shifted me back onto the bed before lying down and pulling me into his side. I rested my head on his chest as he grabbed my hand and intertwined it with his. After a few more moments of silence, Zacky finally spoke.

“You know I love you right?” He muttered into my hair.

“I love you too.” I whispered into his chest, recalling the happiness the three words had brought him earlier in the day – which seemed so far away now.

Silence took over again and after awhile I finally allowed myself to fall sleep.

Though I’d fallen asleep to silence, I woke up to the sound of shouting the next morning.

It took me a split second to orient myself and realize that it was my name being yelled and another split second to realize that it was Zacky yelling it. He sounded furious.

I groggily left the room and descended the stairs. I was met at the bottom by a very angry looking Zacky.

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me to his office. Zacky threw the door open and I was faced with colossal mess I had made last night. After finding out about Jason, I had temporarily forgot about my destruction of Zacky’s office and my reasons behind doing it.

“What.did.you.do?” Zacky growled from behind me.

“I was looking for something.” I muttered under my breath as I looked around at the torn apart room. I hadn’t realized just how enraged and destructive I had been.

“Something that would make you tear apart my office?” Zacky sounded like he was trying to keep his frustration in check.

“ I was looking for information on your ex-wife.” I spun around to face Zacky as I spoke.

I expected him to be shocked that I knew but his facial expression stayed hard and angry rather than startled.

“I figured that’s what this was about,” he gestured to the mess as he made his way to his chair and sat down. “I knew you’d find out eventually. You’re persistent and nosy.”

“Great, so you won’t mind explaining it to me.” I forced myself to reign in my anger and turned to face Zacky again.

“I’ll tell you everything while you clean this up.” Zacky raised one eyebrow, looking pointedly at the upended cabinets and tipped over seats.

“That’s not fair-” I said half heartedly, “if you’d decided to tell me everything sooner than we wouldn't have this mess. I did what I had to do to find information.”

“And you thought you’d find it taped under the chairs?” Zacky asked incredulously as he looked at the upturned chairs.

“Start talking.” I said as I bent over and started picking up the files I had flung around the room.

“Lesley Slade was a psychotic bitch.” Zacky began.

“That’s no way to talk about your ex-wife.” My words dripped with sarcasm and irritation as I started stacking the papers on the floor.

“Don’t interrupt or I’ll stop.” Zacky playfully chastised me. I was glad one of us could make light of the situation.

I flipped him off but didn’t interrupt again.

“Years ago, the guys and I were young, stupid, and powerful. We were wrecking havoc and working our way up the food chain really quickly. We specialized in terror and people were starting to see that we wouldn’t be taking shit. We took down anyone in our way and people not only feared us but jumped at the chance to fall in line with us. That’s where Slade came in. He wanted to buy into the quick success while he could. He’d been working under some other boss for a while and saw his chance with power changing hands so quickly throughout territories. I’d been piss drunk when I met Lesley Slade. The night started with drinks and ended with her in my bed. We dated for a bit after that despite Brian trying to warn me that her blatant connection to Michael Slade gave her obvious motives. By the time he’d finally gotten through to me, it was too late. I was trying to break it off with Lesley when she told me she was pregnant. Knocking up another relatively powerful guy’s little sister and dumping her would cause some friction in the structure I was building. I didn’t need people questioning my legitimacy just as I was reaching the very top. So I married her. Turns out Brian was right. A few months into the relationship, I wake up one morning and Lesley’s standing over me with a fucking knife in her hand. If she’d managed to kill me than she would have played the role of the mourning widow. When she took my last name she took all the rights to everything I had built if I ever disappeared. Michael would have been able to swoop in and ran the show using Lesley like a puppet. Too bad the fucker didn’t count his sister being a weak little thing. I knocked her over and grabbed the knife from her shaky hands and she bolted. I didn’t bother trying to stop her. Killing a pregnant women wasn’t an option. After that it was war. Michael left his old boss, assembled his own crew and tried to come after me. If he couldn’t take me down using his little sister than he would try full out war. He lost.” Zacky ended his story and continued to stare off a little into space.

“So what happened to the baby?” I asked. It seemed an integral part of the story that never got solved.

“Funny thing. Lesley never started to show. For the first few months when she lived with us we all assumed that she’d start to show in her second semester. While the war raged on, I gave specific instructions for no one to harm her. A few more months passed and it was clear that the bitch was never pregnant. I should have killed her when I had the chance.”

Minutes passed in silence while I took in the full weight of the story. So Zacky wasn’t a father and had only been tricked into a short lived marriage. But never telling any of this made me doubt my trust in him. Lies of omission are still lies. And he had omitted a very important chunk of his life.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked after awhile, placing folders back in cabinets.

I looked over my shoulder at him and he just stared back.

“Well there are things you’ve never told me either. Like that you did some time in juvie when you were 15 or that you dropped out of college after a semester. Or that you moved out of your house and lived with your boyfriend when you were 17.” Zacky rambled off facts about my life that I had in fact never told him. My life before Huntington seemed like centuries ago and I rarely thought of it.

“Why do you know all of that?” I asked, crossing my hands over my chest and glaring at him.

He only smirked and shrugged.

“You think I didn’t do extensive research on you years ago when that asshole Bailey started bringing you around?”

Of course he did. Zacky probably had a file on me a day after meeting me.

“So what’s the point you’re making here? That you know everything about me but I have no idea about the demons you keep locked away.”

The smirk dropped off of Zacky’s face and he looked almost regretful for a second.

“I didn’t tell you because I was ashamed of the whole thing Toni.” He got up and walked to me. “You have every right to be pissed but you can still trust me.”

“There’s probably all sorts of things I don’t know about your past.” I muttered into his chest as he pulled me close to him.

“Then we’ll fix that. Wide open doors to the past from now on. No secrets.” Zacky stroked my hair and rain his hand down my spine.

I was about to respond when my phone vibrated against my leg. I pulled it out and read a text from Cherie. In all the chaos, I’d forgotten that I was supposed to be helping her reassemble her apartment today.

“I’ve got to go help Cherie. Your office will have to wait.”

“You aren’t going alone. Take one of the guys with you.” Zacky’s face went hard as if he was preparing himself for the age old argument.

And normally I would protest to him sticking a babysitter on me but even though he wouldn’t show it again Jason’s death had shaken Zacky and if this is what he needed to do to feel secure then I’d just put up with it for now.

“I’ll text Brian.” I said, taking my phone back out and telling Brian to come pick me up and take me to Cherie’s.

“Thank you.” Zacky kissed the top of my head.

I ran back up to our room to shower and change before Brian got here. I would have been ready a lot faster if Zacky hadn’t decided to get in the shower with me and provide a very pleasant distraction.

About an hour later, I sat in Brian’s car as he took off to Cherie’s place. He didn’t seem all that annoyed with having to chaperone me but that probably had more to do with wanting to see Cherie than him enjoying my company. The sexual tension between the two was painfully obvious.

“How are you taking the Jason loss?” I asked, breaking the momentary silence of the car.

Brian frowned and shrugged. Apparently they were all too manly to show much more emotion than that.

“I plan to deliver the news to his twin today.”

“Twin?” I had no idea that Berry had any family at alone let alone a twin.

“Matt. He and Jason joined the business together but when Slade’s men and Zacky’s guys started slaughtering each other he got out and left this lifestyle behind.”

I processed that information as I stared out the window.

“Why then?” I asked, curiosity driving me. “He could have left at any time. What’s so special about that time?”

“Jason and Matt worked for Slade before Slade and Zacky ever butted heads. When shit broke out, Jason switched sides and fed information on Slade to Zacky and Matt left entirely- too much bloodshed for him. He was always the lighter hearted of the two.”

All this time I’d assumed Slade had chosen to kill Jason to prove to Zacky that he could get close when he’d probably done it as revenge for Jason jumping ship. And if the man was out for revenge against everyone who’d wronged him then wouldn’t be Matt Berry be on the list too?

“Brian. How far did Matt run?” I turned away from the window and fixed my stare on Brian.

“A couple hours up north. Why? I’ll be back in time to pick you up.” He said, thinking I was asking only because I knew he’d be paying Matt a visit while I was at Cherie’s.

“No. If Slade killed Jason last night then why wouldn’t he go after Matt tonight? You said both the twins abandoned him at the same time.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. Like I said, Matt quit the business years ago. Slade wouldn’t waste his time going after someone like that.”

“Says who? If you were a pissed off, dethroned, nobody then wouldn’t you want to kill everyone who had turned their backs on you?”

Brian took what I said in and slammed his hand on the wheel.

“Fuck. If Slade’s going after Matt then we have to get their first. It’s our only chance to catch the fucker before he splits.” Brian growled reaching for his phone.

“So let’s go!” I said. “We have to leave now. There isn’t any time to turn back and assemble the whole group.”

“We? There is no ‘we’ in this Toni. I’m dropping you off and Zacky and I will go after the little piece of shit ourselves.”

“And risk losing him by wasting time? We’ll go, grab Slade ourselves and bring him back to Zacky.”

I knew in the back of my mind that had it been anyone of the other guys they would have turned around immediately and brought me back to Zacky. Zacky would be enraged if he knew I’d come face to face with Slade but Brian was the only one who’d be able to handle Zacky’s wrath.

“We go but you stay in the car.” Brian said, driving faster now.

“You seem to be forgetting that I can handle myself. Didn’t I beat your ass before?” I said, referring to months ago when Brian and Jimmy had first seen me back in California.

“Stay in the car or I kick you out now and you catch a taxi home while I handle this myself.”

I chose not to respond. Let Brian think that he’d won but there was no way in hell I was ending this day without taking a hit at the man who’d caused so much turmoil the past few weeks. It was time for me to meet Michael Slade.