Set on False Pretense

This last week has been torture. Practically everywhere I look, there's Will. And every time I see Will I am reminded about how stupid I am for how much I hurt him. Every time my eyes land on that beautiful boy I am reminded about the fact that I broke his heart and how much I regret it. I couldn’t wait until I went to university so I could be free from seeing Will every day, and the guilt that rushes through my system every time I see his sad face.

Saturday morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. already dreading the day to come. I seriously doubted I would get the scholarship considering the way I was playing at the moment. Every time I had a shot at goal or I had to tackle someone, Will just kept springing into my mind and I got distracted.

I got to school at 9.30 and started doing the warm up. "Ready for today, Chad?" Coach Tennison asked me after I had run a warm up lap of the pitch.
"Ready as I'll ever be," I said, feigning enthusiasm. The match was starting at 10 o'clock and the other team, Armstall High School, were warming up at the other end of the pitch.
"Alright, huddle up," Max shouted out and we all gathered around him. I should be the one giving pep talks to my team, but I wasn't very peppy and the team was suffering because of it, so Max had taken over talking to the team and team spirit. Max did a run through of the tactics and who was going to be playing the first half, and who the second. I was in both halves because I was captain, but I knew Max and several others weren’t too happy about that.

At 9.55, I walked like a robot to my position on the field. It was like I wasn't even aware of my actions anymore. I just did what I knew I had to. The whistle was blown at 10 o'clock on the dot and the match began. I could feel the tension in the air, but it was like I was detached from it as I played in the match. I knew my parents were somewhere in the crowd and my dad was probably sitting there confused as to how I was playing, but I didn't care. I knew the scouts were in the crowd, keeping an eye out for me, and again, confused as to how I was playing. But I still didn't care. I didn't even want to be here. The only place I wanted to be was Will's arms and I was very aware of the fact that that was the one place where I couldn’t be.

The match felt like it had been going for hours but when I glanced at the large clock at one end of the pitch, I was told we had only been playing 25 minutes. I was sick of this already. I realised that my team members very rarely passed to me and it was only in times of desperate need that I got the ball and then inevitably lost it. I hated how I was playing, I hated what I did to Will. God, I just hated myself completely.

Five minutes later, loud music was suddenly played over the speakers and everyone stopped playing, confused. However, I didn't stop because I was confused. I stopped because my heart had skipped a beat. I knew that song. The familiar words flowed through the stadium at maximum volume and a confused buzz was emanated from the crowd.
"...This will be my destiny
You will be my song, and I will sing
So don't cover up your ears at me
And what I have to tell
I hope that these words, they find you well..."

My heart was racing in my chest and I turned towards the hut at the side of the pitch where the announcements and music was organised. The door opened and I saw Will walk out of the small hut. He was smiling slightly at me and I felt tears in my eyes. I continued to listen to the song and when it came to an end I walked across the field to Will, took him in my arms and kissed him deeply and passionately. Oh, God, I can't believe I nearly let him go. I heard the referee's whistle behind me and I knew the game was continuing but I couldn’t pull myself away from Will and I didn't want to. He wrapped his arms around my neck and held me closer to him as he kissed me back desperately. I put my hands at his sides and looped my fingers through his belt loops and pulled him against me tightly. When we needed to breath, we pulled away from each other slowly. Will was beaming up at me and I grinned down at him.

Our cheeks were both streaked with our tears and I smiled slightly and wiped Will's cheeks with my thumb gently. "I love you," he whispered and my heart skipped a beat. I gazed down into his eyes and saw his nerves and uncertainty. I smiled and kissed him again quickly and then pulled back.
"I love you, too," I whispered and he smiled and relaxed somewhat. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry about-"
"Shh," Will cut me off and smiled up at me. "Just kiss me," he said and I grinned and happily complied. As I kissed him I listened to his beautiful voice in the background. It was all I could seem to hear even though the crowd must have been cheering loudly for the football game. I realised that I didn't know this song and I pulled away from Will so that I could listen to it properly,
" Mean Thoughts and Cheap Shots
I'm not losing my war that's in my mind
and I will spread my wings and soar
and I will fly-and no I will never deny
what's in my heart what's in my life will be justified
the mean thoughts and cheap shots they will not weaken me
the mean thoughts and cheap shots well we're not weakening...that's for sure

and I won't be afraid of taking this out
I know I'll be safe and sound
cause you will be with me
fighting in all these rounds
and ill shout out so loud
"I know without a doubt that
I'll be standing there when you go down"
Cause all these things I've seen
well now I'll try my best
and you will be with me to never second-guess
and we will show the world
just how we passed this test
and we will show the world we're better than this mess

Cause I'm not losing my war that's in my mind
and I will spread my wings and soar
and I will fly-and no I will never deny
what's in my heart what's in my life will be justified
the mean thoughts and cheap shots they will not weaken me
the mean thoughts and cheap shots well we're not weakening
The mean thoughts and cheap shots
and mean lies
and mean plots
and mean thoughts
and cheap shots won't last for long.

Cause all these things I've seen
well now I'll try my best
and you will be with me to never second guess
and we will show the world just how we passed this test
and we will show the world we're better than this mess

Cause I'm not losing my war that's in my mind
and I will spread my wings and soar
and I will fly-and no I will never deny
what's in my heart what's in my life will be justified
the mean thoughts and cheap shots they will not weaken me
the mean thoughts and cheap shots well we're not weakening
The mean thoughts and cheap shots
and mean lies
and mean plots
and mean thoughts
and cheap shots won't last for long"

I looked down at Will, tears in my eyes. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "Will, I'm so, so sorry. How can I make it up to you?" He smiled at me.
"Don't go to Loughborough," he said softly and I smiled and my heart tightened with love.
"Never," I whispered and kissed him again. I pulled away after a while and smiled down at him.
"So, what are you going to do then?" he asked and I smiled.
"I want to do what you do," I whispered as I gazed into Will's eyes. Will frowned slightly, confused.
"Play music?" he asked, not understanding. I smiled and shook my head.
"I want to do what I love," I said as I stroked Will's cheek. Will grinned, now knowing what I was talking about.
"Art?" Will asked and I nodded and smiled.
"Art." I then moved forward and pressed my lips against Will's. The other thing I loved.

I pulled back after a while but kept my arm around his waist. I then looked behind me at the crowd and saw my mum and dad watching us. My mum seemed like she was smiling and had tears in her eyes whereas my dad was just standing with his mouth open. Mum leant over and whispered something to him and he closed his mouth and straightened. He then met my eye and smiled slightly and I knew we were going to be okay.

I turned back to Will and pulled him back into my arms again. I couldn’t seem to stay apart from him for very long but I knew he didn't care and he needed this contact as much as I did. "I love you," I whispered into his ear and I held him tightly and his arms tightened even more around my waist.
"I love you, too," he whispered and kissed my neck softly. I realised that I was probably gross and sweaty for playing football, but Will didn't seem to care. I smiled and just continued to hold him and I knew I would never let go. I knew that we had to talk about what had happened, but I knew we would get passed it. I was not going to live without this boy. I couldn’t.