Dude Looks Like a Lady

A phone rang on someone and everyone jumped, quickly patting pockets all over before Lizzie picked up the bus phone.

“Yello?” She asked quietly, “Mommy!” She shrieked, Ray winced – his ear was right next to her mouth.

“Coming, baby.” I called back, stretching over and plucking the phone from her hands.

“It’s Bwian.” Everyone giggled, because Lizzie always had problems saying Brian… and we’d all taken to calling him Bwian. He didn’t like it.

“Hello, Bwian.”

“Nice going Lou.”

“Ya know, it’s customary to say ‘hi’ when you start a conversation.” I tell him, settling myself on the counter and swinging my legs.

“So what? You’re Lou… I don’t need to say ‘hi’ to you – you know I mean it.” I roll my eyes at him and stick my tongue out at the phone.

“Oh that’s real mature!” Frank tells me, swatting at my shin, so I stick my tongue out at him.

“Hey! Leave my wife alone! She can’t help it that she just got owned by Bwian!” Mikey shouts at general, whilst wrapping his arms round me.

I cocked my head to the side, raising my eyebrows at him, “I just got owned, did I?” Mikey gulps and shakes his head.

“Of course not darling!” He tells me, nervously backing away.

I laugh and blow him a kiss, “So, anyway, Bwian.” I say returning to the phone, “What’s up?”

“You have an interview on your bus right about now.” He tells me, “I forgot to tell you last night, and I didn’t think you’d be up before… and you’re grouchy when you first wake up.”

I sigh and run a hand through my short hair – the first sign I was agitated, “Brian – I think I’d be less grouchy if you’d just woken me up earlier. Now, I have no time to prepare for an interview I don’t wanna do.”

Everyone had been relaxing but at the word ‘interview’ they all shot out of their seats, desperately trying to get off the bus.

“Everyone’s doing it.”

“They’re escaping.”

“Shout at them then!”

“OI!! GET YOU’RE LAZY ASSES BACK HERE!” I shout, not bothering to remove the mouth piece of the phone.

“Ow.” Brian tells me flatly as everyone traipses back to their seats. A knock’s heard throughout the bus and I sigh.

“I gotta go – the interviewers here.” I hang up without saying good bye and scoop Lizzie up before she can open the door and tumble down the steps. “Don’t open the door, Lizzie.” I tell her.

“Yes Mommy.” She answers, as I open the door.

“Hey, come on in – funnily enough we’re all in the living room.”

The interviewer nods and just brushes past me. “I’m Saz.” She announces at large to the bus, “I’m your interviewer.” She looks round everyone… we’re all squished into a sofa – everyone trying to be at the back.

I set Lizzie down on the floor with her toys and Mikey tugs me softly into his arms, kissing my neck softly.

“You make a sexy mommy.” He tells me softly, making me blush.

“You make a sexy dad too.” He blushes to match me and I giggle, rubbing noses with him in an Eskimo kiss.

“OK – enough mushy stuff already.” Saz shouts, flinging her hands up and sitting across from us. Lizzie being Lizzie toddles over to her and lifts her arms up. Saz looks at her confused, “What am I supposed to do with that?” she asks, venomously.

I tense immediately, “She happens to be my daughter, and she’s asking to be picked up.”

Mikey rubs soothing circles in my back, just under my shirt, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my daughter like that.”

Gee scoops Lizzie off the floor and settles her down with us, taking Lizzie’s ‘sucky’ from the floor and handing it to her. “In fact,” Gee starts off, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t aggravate my sister and brother – or any of the band.”

I flash him a grateful smile, as Frank leans under everyone to pat my knee, “Saz doesn’t know about Lizzie obviously.” He tells everyone loudly before adding, “And she’s a bitch.” Under his breath, making me snort most in a most un lady like manner.

Saz turns to me, looking ready to kill, “I’m sorry?” She asks me glaring at me.

“I thought you were asking questions that I could answer…” I tell her, feigning looking worried.

She flushes fluorescent pink – infact, she almost matches the streaks in her perfectly styled black and pink hair. Or her perfectly matching bright pink shirt, belt, thong, (which was shown above the jeans), socks, converse, nail varnish, bag, pen and phone. She was dressed in pink and black – the black being her jeans.

“Anyway.” She snaps, “How does it feel, Lou, being the Queen Of Emo?”

I did an immediate double take, before looking down at myself and raising an eyebrow… today I wasn’t wearing any black…and I’d never said anything at all about emo. “Uhm, well, being the Queen of Emo isn’t a title I’d adorn myself with. So, if I’m honest I wouldn’t know.” I pause, spying the ‘Pete Wentz: My Life, It’s Highs And Lows’ book in her bag, “But maybe you do? Being so obviously infatuated with Mr Wentz.”

She glares at me and Christa mumbles a ‘miaow’ in my ear. I just smile sweetly, affecting to look like I was just being polite.

“Pete Wentz isn’t emo.” Saz growls through gritted teeth.

“Of course he’s not dear.” I agree with her immediately, “Did I insinuate that he was?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, I’m most terribly sorry.” I pause, “I think we should move onto the next question, maybe?”

She glares at me and I can see the fight within herself not to bare her teeth at me before she nods her head and flicks through her list of questions before finding one that’s really going to hurt. I steel myself for the blow and wait.

“How does it feel to be cheated on by your husband?”

I raise an eyebrow – was that the worst she could do? Behind me, Mikey tenses and I softly stroke his thigh, telling him it’s ok.

“I didn’t think that was any of your business, but as you’ve asked…” I pause, thinking back to it, “It was heartbreaking but I wasn’t going to say goodbye to Mikey without a fight. And he’s so very good at fixing my heart again.”

“So you admit that you love Mikey more than he loves you?”

I shake my head, “Not at all. You won’t understand, but love is all about forgiving, fixing and breaking hearts, trusting and moving on. Mikey and I have done our fair share of breaking, fixing, forgiving, trusting and moving forwards. Mikey put up with me whilst I was a very square person, and I perfectly understood why he bedded Alicia.”

“That doesn’t answer my question…”

I pause, thinking slowly, “Mikey’s had to deal with more emotional shit from me than he’s ever given me. And anyway – marriage isn’t about keeping scores, it’s about…”

Mikey jumps in at that point, gently shifting me so I sit between his legs, “Lou has made it appear with certain members of certain bands that she coveted their body. But Lou and I love each other so very much – we may not have married because of love, but that followed very soon after. I can’t imagine a life worth living without Lou because she’s an amazing person who makes every day seem like a wonderful thing.”

I blush and snuggle into his chest, kissing it softly, “What neither Mikey nor I can say or do is put a quantity or qualifier on our love. It’s an impossibility.”

“So you’d admit you’re the Queen Of Emo? I mean, the way you’re talking of love and patching hearts… very classic emo.”

I shake my head, “I thought emo’s had problems at home and in school. The real ones I do all I can to help them, I’m a moving Samaritan, as well as an agony aunt on a particular website. The fake ones I have no time for.”

“So you don’t care for emo’s?”

“You have to have hearing disability, love. The one’s who have real problems – they’re parents beat them and their bullied at school I have all the time in the world for. The ones putting on airs to be interesting can grow up and gain some knowledge of the world and what they’re doing to themselves. All they’re doing is killing themselves – they don’t tug on my heart stings.”

“You’re very judgemental. How does that feel for the band’s fans claiming that MCR saved their lives?”

I paused a little, my hands tensing in Mikey’s shirt. My nails digging into his skin. I frown, biting the inside of my lips, was I just pissing off all of the fans they had worked so hard to gain?

“I think the true fans will listen to what I have to say and think about it. The fake fans are probably the ones I have no time for.” I tell her, thinking about what I’m saying.

“I’m being paid by the question, so if you would think a little quicker that would be good.”

My eyebrows raised, and my fingers unclenched themselves. Who the hell let this girl loose from the mental asylum?

She looks me up and down, “I can ruin you.” She hisses at me, glaring. Suddenly I’m on the floor and Mikey’s standing over me.

“Give me the damn tape and your nasty plastic pink shit. All the while you’ve been here you’ve been a bitch to my wife and my daughter. You’ve spread your pink fucking disease all across where I’m going to have to live for the next week and now you expect to threaten my wife? Just clear out!” He moves towards her and she screams before scarpering.