Jaded

The eighties were nothing more then a fond memory we all could look back on years from now and the nineties were in full swing. It scared the shit out of me to think that in ten more years we'll be celebrating an entire new millennium. Sophomore year my Biology teacher said we would have flying cars by that time, but this is coming from a guy that bought his wife bird watching binoculars for Valentines Day, so I won't get my hopes that high.

Billie Joe, Sarah, and I made up a few weeks ago on New Years Eve when it was the anniversary of Sweet Children playing their first gig at Gilman. In fact, in the midst of all the drama that had been going on the last few months many things happened. Sweet Children is no more, they called themselves Green Day and recorded a fucking EP with Lookout Records! I was just fucking informed this last week! One would think that they'd be going ape shit over it, but Billie told me like he was informing me my shoe was untied.

Mike and I still hadn't mended our bridges. Let's just say when we were faced with each other at Gilman we quickly reached the point where a great deal could be communicated by through a series of facial expressions and gestures, and I don't think it would be prudent for me to elaborate on these expressions/gestures. You know what though? Fuck Mike, he's a dick anyway. Just because I don't want to fucking date him and I'm hung up over another guy, but then again Mike is my best friend...

I was in that trance of sleep in the early morning where your not exactly asleep, but at the same time, time doesn't go from being four-thirty in the morning to eight-seventeen in the blink of an eye either. These described thoughts were scanning through my mind, until the phone rang.

I defied even the thought of answering the phone until Dan yelled "Sam, answer the fucking phone!"

I didn't want to cross any paths with Dan, because to be quite honest he scared me a bit, so I obeyed his orders against my will.

"Hello?"

"May I speak to Samantha Rollins, please?" asked a familiar womens voice.

"This is she," I said turning on my back and placing my hand on my forehead with my eyes still shut.

"This is Mrs. Morrison calling. I'm in charge of the Talent Show this year and although I have been informed that dropped out a few months ago we were wondering if you were still interested in participating since not many students signed up this year,"

Information like this should never be relayed to me at this hour, because I never signed up for any talent show.

"I never signed up for the talent show?" I said hesitantly.

"It shows on here you did. I have your signature right in front of me. If you don't want to perform still I understand,"

I'm no Sherlock Holmes or anything, but I think Billie Joe may be the culprit behind this scheme.

"No, no I'll play. Um, when is it?"

"Friday night at seven in the auditorium,"

"I'll be there," I confirmed.

"Great, see you then,"

Billie Joe was definitely going to get a call from me.

My day began with a cup of coffee, unfinished lyrics, and melody to back up those half-assed lyrics was nonexistent as well. I always sit there and come up with a brilliant tune where lyrics, melody, and all come to me and everything sounds perfect together to where it would resolve into a perfect two to four minute tune, but then when I go to play it it absolutely sucks, but hey, what can you do?

Around the time I knew Mike would be at work later that day, I took a stroll over to Billie Joe's. I also forgot to mention that Sarah told me that Kristy and Billie Joe broke up and apparently he was taking it pretty hard. I guess, she got into this school in Chicago and she doesn't want to do the long distance thing.

I performed my ever so amazing struggle to crawl in through the window and took a seat next to Billie Joe who looked as if his new puppy got ran over and just discovered he has terminal cancer. His knees were raised to his chest and his nose was in a notebook scribbling down, what I'm assuming, song lyrics.

I took a seat next to him awaiting him to give some indication that I was present in the room with him, but that didn't happen. I took a peak at what he was writing. It seemed to be two songs scribbled on one page.


Hey can you hear me?
I'm calling your name
Hello? Or is this goodbye?
The gleam in your eyes
It troubles my brain
Will I see it again?
So I can rest my head

Angel...Angel! Dancing away
As all of my thoughts get rearranged
Angel...Angel! Turning away
Just when thing seem
To have changed
So I can rest my head

Hey can you hear me?
I'm calling your name
Hello? Or is this goodbye?
The gleam in your eyes
It troubles my brain
Will I see it again?
So I can rest my head

followed by:

Now you see me now you don't
Don't ask me where I'm at
Cause I'm a million miles away
Treated like a forbidden hell
Don't say my thoughts are not for real
Or you won't see me again

Am I here or am I there
Or am I playing on the stairs
Am I in my room with my toys
I am the disappearing boy

When I walk in crowded rooms
I feel as if it is my doom
I know that I don't belong
In that room I see her
I see her & she's with him
I turn and then I'm gone

Don't call me up 'cause I'm not home
My whereabouts are now unknown
I vanished from all your joy
I'm the disappearing boy

I have my doubts
Of where I belong
Of where I belong
It's something to think about.

Give me a break. I said to myself mentally.

"Hey, Billie can you hand me a piece of paper, a pen, oh and if you have any left, a life,"

"Fuck you, I have a life!"

"No you don't all you do is sit here and write these pathetic little break up and depression songs,"

"You don't know how it fucking feels Sam," he mumbled.

"Your right I don't Billie, but I mean come on you can't tell me you thought you guys would last a long time. She was way older, and to be quite honest how the hell is she going to an actual university in Chicago? I mean I'm surprised she could right her name let alone a college essay," "

"Yeah I'm taking this from someone that doesn't have the fucking guts to ask a guy out! And then when he makes a move on her she fucking runs from him! And your expecting me to take your shit!" Billie Joe exploded ripping the papers out of his notebook and then tossing it across the room.

"Whatever Billie Joe, when your over your pathetic girlfriend let me know,"

"Oh, get off it! Just leave me the fuck alone! All you do is go around saying fuck the world, because you don't want to feel any goddamn emotions!" he screamed now in the middle of the room.

I gave him a glance as his arms were still up in the air and he remained in the same frustrated position. I didn't say a word and neither did he. I climbed on top of Mike's bed and out the window.