Skin and Bones

The movie has been playing for a bit over an hour, so I think it’s almost over. It’s a pretty cute and funny movie, but still I don’t like it. I haven’t told the brothers – out of fear of being ridiculed – but dolls/ puppets have always creeped my out. Ever since I saw my aunt’s collection of weird dolls in her attic, they’ve creeped me out. There’s just something scary about their empty gazes – the dead look in their eyes.
I’m curled up into Gerard’s side – both of my arms wrapped around his. His one hand keeps shoving candy and cookies and whatnot into his mouth, while the other is lying on my thigh – rubbing soft circles on my clothed legs.
It feels good. It all feels so good.

“Boys! Dinner!” Gerard flinches – or jumps – and pulls his hand away from my thigh and sits up straight. I grin and pat his arm as I rid him of my gridlock on it.
Mikey’s already on his feet. He walks over to Gerard’s closet, turns on the light and walks in. Soon I hear water running.
Oh. It’s a bathroom.

“Come on. Mom doesn’t like dirty hands by the table,” Gerard says and gets to his feet. He walks towards his own bathroom.
When I’ve gotten to my feet and into the bathroom, the bothers are just about to leave.

“I’m just gonna…uhm.” I point at the toilet. I don’t know why it’s so embarrassing – it just is. I guess it’s the whole ‘announcing-to-the-world-that-you-have-to-pee’-thing that does it.

“Okay. See you upstairs,” Mikey says and pats my shoulder as he leaves. Gerard has a warm smile on his face as he leaves. I smile back.
I close the door behind them and walk over to do my business. I keep a stern look on the bowl – trying not to see anything else as I look down.
I flush and walk over to the sink. I stare down at the soap and the white sink as I wash my hands. Once I’ve dried them in the white towel, I just stand there.
Should I look at myself?
I can do what Gerard taught me. Just lift up my shirt and look.
But the last time I did that, I… It didn’t work.

I shut my eyes tightly and lift up my head. If I open my eyes, I’ll see myself. I’ll see the bruise on my cheek that probably hasn’t healed properly. I’ll see my own sad eyes. I’ll see my chin and how it bulges out in several layers. I’ll see the fat. I’ll see the sallow skin. I’ll see the chubbiness.

I turn away. I quickly open my eyes and get out of the bathroom. I manage to hit the switch and turn off the light before I swiftly walk upstairs.
The smell of food hits my nostrils and I bite back the feeling of disgust.