Skin and Bones

I’m lying in bed – feeling sick. Mrs. Way made us dinner. Ribs with hot sauce and salad. It tasted really good – maybe even beyond good. My taste buds seemed to come alive – the food poking at each and every one of them.
I don’t know how much I ate.
I think I ate too much.

I hear Gerard move in his bed – again. He’s moving a lot. In a way I’d rather sleep in Mikey’s room, but the futon was too heavy to carry all the way upstairs and there wouldn’t have been room for it up there anyways. So I’m sleeping in Gerard room – the basement.

Mikey insisted that I’d sleep in his bed, but since I was determined to watch all three Godfather movies before I went to bed, Mikey went to his own room to sleep.

Gerard moves again. Hearing him feels like a punch in the gut. Every time I hear him move, I’m scared that he’ll see me – my body. I pull my sheets further up. The fabric brushes against my ear – my other ear pressed into the thin, worn pillow.

“Frankie?” Gerard suddenly whispers. I swallow down my nervousness.

“Yeah?” I whisper back. I use every muscle in my body to keep my voice from breaking.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” I squeeze my eyes shut. I know what it is. I’m disgusting. I’m vile. I’m horrible. He doesn’t want me here.
The fear is pressing against my throat. It’s like there’s a huge breath of air trying to escape, but my throat has cut off all access. The air is trying to get out, but it can’t and more and more air just keeps building up.
“I’ve never told my parents.” My body freezes. I don’t understand.

“What?” A longer silence fills the room. All I do is wait for an answer. My body stays frozen and so do my thoughts.

“That I’m gay.” His voice is so low and feeble. It feels like a stab in the heart.
“If either of them walked in and we didn’t hear them and I was holding your hand… I don’t know how they’d react. Well, my mom would probably be fine with it, which is why I didn’t hesitate in hugging you earlier, but my dad; he’s-“

“You-“ I cut him off – and myself. I don’t know what to say – how to express myself. Suddenly my entire body is working again – on overdrive. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to stop my body from shaking. My blood is suddenly pumping so fast as my heart is pounding in my chest – heating up my entire body. I’m mad. I’m really, fucking mad! Angry! Furious!
“How could you put me through this?” I hiss. I’m no longer trying to be quiet.

“What?” He’s still whispering. I turn around and sit up. I see his dark silhouette in the dark. He’s lying on his side – the shape of the dark figure dipping at his waist.

“I-“ My throat twists around itself as tears push against the back of my eyes.
“I told my mom!” I screech. Tears escape my eyes.
“I told her because I wanted to be with you, and then-“ I lose my breath and can’t finish my sentence. I gasp for air.

“Frankie,” Gerard whispers – hurt and apologetic.

“She-“ I stop myself. I can’t tell him.
How can I trust him? He betrayed me! I thought he really liked me! I thought he wanted to be with me! I gave up so much for him and he did nothing?
I try to choke down my tears, but they press their way up – through my throat.
I get up on my hand and knees, when suddenly the dark room rocks like a boat on a rebellious sea. I feel cold sweat cover my body within seconds.

“Frankie?” Suddenly I feel his hand on my back. The room keeps moving – rocking back and forth; from side to side. I feel drenched in sweat as my body shivers from the cold.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Baby? Hopeful, I look up.
I gag. Nothing comes up, but it’s enough to tell Gerard what’s wrong.
He quickly pulls me up. I think I black out, ‘cause the next thing I see is the toilet bowl. Vomit pours out of my mouth.
Gerard’s one hand is rubbing my back, while the other is holding my hair.