Skin and Bones

We’re on our bed again. We seem to be spending so much time here lately. We don’t really talk much, we just lay.
Gerard is always holding me while I’m holding my teddy bear. The latter is losing its comforting ability, but Gerard’s is only growing. Each time we lay here, his chest is warmer. Each time his arms wrap around me tighter and his kisses become more frequent. His soft breath is now slower. His fingers have become softer when they draw circles on my skin.

“Aren’t you bored?” I ask out of the blue and break the unnoticed silence.

“Of what?” His voice is slightly raspy from the lack of use.

“Of just lying here? Wouldn’t you rather be doing something?” I feel him breathe out a quick, but silent, laugh.

“I am. I’m lying here with you.” His lips connect with my scalp. I can feel it despite my messy hair being in the way of most of it.
“I’m enjoying being with you. For as long as I can.” My grip on my teddy bear loosens as I snuggle up further into Gerard’s body.
All I want is for this moment to last forever.
But I also want to grow old with him.
I love him.

“Even if I have to leave,” my own words stab at my heart.
“I will come back on my 18th birthday.” I smile and wrap my arm around Gerard’s stomach and bury my face in his neck. My teddy bear is forgotten.

“I don’t think I could wait for that.” I freeze.
Is he gonna leave me? Is he going to stop loving me if I leave? Will he forget me?

I look up at him.
He softly cups my cheek and leans in close to my face.

“I will come after you.” I’m still frozen. I don’t think I understand. He will come after me? Will he follow me if I ever leave, or will he… What?
He tilts his head lightly. The slight sunlight that is escaping through the thin curtain falls upon his face, and I see that he’s blushing.
“I wouldn’t be able to live without you.” Somewhere mid-sentence he averts his eyes from mine, but that doesn’t change the intensity in his voice.
I smile.

“I love you.” Even though my words are quick and rushed, they still mean the world to me.
Because he is my world.
I press my lips against his and start kissing him with all I have. I want to feel him as close as possible. I want his lips to be on mine forever.

“I love you,” he mumbles against my lips – his words sending shivers and vibrations through all of my body.

I gasp and reach up to thread my hand through his hair to get closer to him.
His hold on me is growing tighter and tighter, but I know I can be closer to him.
I run my hand out of his hair and down his perfect body. Every little piece of him fits perfectly into my hand as it slides down his back. A shiver erupts from him and passes into me when I settle my hand on his lower back and pull him closer.

Our lips stayed pressed against each other, while our hands somewhat lose their ‘footing’ and wander around or stumble and fall over body parts.

Gerard suddenly pulls away.
He gasps for air through his red, swollen lips. The sight makes me tickle all over, until the tickle settles in my groin and turns into a slight burn.

When he opens his eyes, it takes me a few seconds to tear mine away from his perfect mouth.

“Do you want this to go further?” His voice is breathless and struggled, but his words are clear.
My thoughts aren’t.
Do I want to go further?
I want to be close to him, but do I want to go further?
“Are you ready for it?”
It. I hate that word. Why is the word sex so scary?
Why is it so scary?

“Yes,” I whisper and nod. I’m about to pounce on his lips to make my choice final, but Gerard stops me by pulling back.

“No.” I look up at him, feeling confused.
His eyes are as soft and gentle as his hand that starts stroking my cheek.
“You’re not.” A part of me breathes a sigh of relief, but there’s another part of me that sighs in annoyance and frustration.
I don’t know which part is bigger, right now.
“And that’s okay. I want you to be ready.” He smiles softly down at me and I smile back.
“This is one, and maybe the only, area where I can and will wait for you.” He kisses me softly, before he lies back down on his back and stares up at the ceiling – just like he did before.
I lie back and enjoy the silence and comfort again. The only difference is that now; Gerard is my only teddy bear.