I wanna touch you.

The sound of voices and a door opening woke me up. I slowly peeled my eyes open and felt the sudden thud of a hangover hit me like a truck. I quickly shut my eyes again and groaned at the pain. At this moment I absolutely hated the sun. And I decided I was never drinking again. Yeah, right.

One of the voices became louder and I slunk further under the covers to try and block it out. I was use to waking up in random beds but I was pleasantly surprised to find this one actually smelt nice. It smelt familiar too. What actually happened last night?

I heard heavy footsteps run up the stairs and the door to whoever’s bedroom I was in swing open. The covers I was hiding under were ripped away from me to reveal Ryan looking rather angry. “Do you mind?” I hissed snatching them back to cover up where the shirt I was wearing had ridden up. “And why are you here?”

“Why am I here?” He exclaimed. “This is my house.”

“Oh.” Parts of last came back to me. I sat straight up and examined my surroundings. I remembered now. I was in Jem’s room. I recognised the dark walls, the mountains of pots, the smell of paint and clay. “Nothing happened.” I spluttered, imagining the grilling Jem would get from Ryan. “I was drunk and I somehow turned up here. Jem just said I could stay the night. That’s all.”

“I knew I should never have let you two meet.” He cursed, running his fingers through his hair. I rolled my eyes.

“Stop being such a bloody drama queen. Nothing happened.” I spat out the lat two words making sure I pronounced each syllable. “Now, can you please leave because I would like to get changed.” Ryan bit his lip as if refraining from calling me something before stomping out the room. I cringed as the door slammed after him.

I rubbed my sore head, trying to make out what the voices downstairs were saying. I was sure Ryan was spouting a tonne of crap about how I tried to seduce his brother or something. Of course it was true but I didn’t actually succeed.

I crawled out of Jem’s warm bed, stretching out my limbs as I did so. All I was wearing was my underwear and the shirt Jem had leant me. I saw a pair of crumpled shorts on the floor, and pulled them on, tightening the draw string so they didn’t end up around my ankles. That would be embarrassing.

I slowly opened the door noticing that no one was upstairs. A quick dash to the bathroom went ahead without anyone seeing me. I used the toilet and splashed some water on my face to make me feel better. It didn’t work. I combed my hair back into a messy braid and spotted some mouthwash on one of the shelves. Trying not to think about the fact I was using other people’s stuff, I took a swig and spat it out again.

My mood was slightly improving. I left the bathroom, resisting the urge to go rummaging through the drawers and headed downstairs. My stomach was tingling from nerves. I entered the front room and saw Jem folding up the blankets he must have used last night. He hadn’t heard me come in or if he did he was ignoring me. I glanced up and made eye contact with Ryan. He scowled at me.

“Candy.” I looked up and saw his Mother, Jas stood at the door with an anxious expression. “Can I have a word please?” Oh, this was just getting better and better. I glanced back at Jem and he was looking back this time. However, his face held no emotion like always.

I followed his mum into the kitchen. She was stood by the sink not saying anything. She just looked me over, with a sad expression in her eyes. “Um, do you have any pain killers?” I asked. Jas frowned suddenly. An idea quickly came into my head. “That time of the month.” I explained clutching my stomach. Her eyes became sympathetic and she dug out a packet of tablets from the drawer and poured me a glass of water. I swallowed two because she was still watching me and knowing her, she would probably have a fit of worry if I took more than the recommended dose.

“Better?” She questioned. I nodded in reply although I’m pretty sure it takes longer than thirty seconds for the pain relief to kick in. I watched with curious eyes as she walked past me and unlocked the back door. She stepped out into her garden and I guess she wanted me to follow.

The sun was too bright and I had to squint my eyes. The garden out here was way different to the one in the front. In the back yard the grass was over growing and a few bright yellow weeds sprouted every now and again. The fence needed retouching with paint, and a rusty bike which looked like it hadn’t been ridden in years, lay in the corner.

I walked closer to Jas, letting the wet blades of grass stroke my bare feet. She was bent over examining a rose bush which had yet to grow any roses. She spoke without looking up. “You and Jem, eh?”

I felt my cheeks instantly flush with embarrassment. It was one thing being interrogated by Ryan, but Jem’s mother?! “There’s nothing going on.” I mumbled. “I mean, we’re just friends.” Could I even say me and Jem were friends? I liked him a hell of a lot more than I did Mia, but we hardly knew each other.

“Jem told me that you turned up thinking Ryan was here. He said that he was bored being by himself so he invited you in to watch a movie. By the time it was finished, it seemed easier for you to just stay the night.” I just nodded, agreeing to the lie Jem obviously told to cover me up. “He’s seems to have taken to you quite well.” She rambled on, still bent over. To anyone else it probably looked like we were having a harmless conversation about flowers. The truth was much more mortifying. This was like the equivalent of having the sex talk. I shook my head.

“You’re talking about him like he’s some sort of experiment.” Jas smiled at me and stood up straight, dusting off her clothes.

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just... After everything he’s been through I forget that’s he’s a teenage boy.” She sighed and then looked at me expectantly. I don’t know what she wanted me to say. Life’s a bitch? “The last girlfriend he had left him a total wreck. I just don’t want his heart broken again.”

Was she trying to suggest that I would hurt Jem? “I don’t think anyone likes their heart broken.” I replied. She tried to stretch her lips into a smile.

“I’m not stupid, Candy. I was watching you when you came down. I saw the way you looked at my son. Just be careful, okay?” I nodded, trying to stop my cheeks from reddening. She knows I have a crush on Jem. “You’re a sweet girl, Candy.” She said. Her smile stretched into a grin, and she laughed a little. “Pun totally intended.”

I gave her a small smile until my eyes caught a dark figure by the door. I turned to find Jem stood staring at us. His eyes were full of humour though his mouth didn’t match. “I was just asking Candy about the movie you watched last night.” She lied.

“Yeah, it was good.” Jem replied dismissively.

“Oh.” Jas said feeling awkward. “Candy, did you want to stay for dinner?”

“Sure.”

“Great.” She turned to Jem. “I and your Dad will have to nip out to the shops. You seem to have eaten the entire fridge in one weekend.” She laughed. I bit my lip and glanced at Jem to see what his reply would be to that. I mean, now that I know he used to starve himself, a comment like that could be deadly. He seemed fine though and let his mother kiss him on the cheek.

Jas left us in the back yard by ourselves and I instantly felt the tension between us. The silence was powerful and I even considered twiddling my thumbs to try and pass the time until someone broke it. “I lied last night.” I blurted out.

Jem looked up at me through his lovely dark eyelashes. It suddenly occurred to me what he thought I might be lying about. “I mean, not about my feelings for you.” I cringed as I said it. It sounded so cheesy. “I said that I wouldn’t remember anything you said in the morning but I do. I can remember all of it.” I don’t know what I expected him to do; start shouting at me, start crying, start accusing me of other things.

He simply smiled at me, though it could have been a trick of the light. “I know.” He said.

“Then why did you tell me if you knew I was going to remember everything you said?” I was puzzled.

Jem shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought it might put you off me or something...”

“Well, it hasn’t worked.” I replied without thinking. I mentally cursed myself, because I was really just embarrassing myself now. Jem just looked with amusement in his eyes. He looked sort of happy but he didn’t say anything what I wanted him to say like “good” or “I’m glad because after thinking about it, I think I like you too.”

“Hey.” Ryan suddenly appeared at the door. I and Jem sprang away from each other even though we weren’t even touching in the first place. Ryan narrowed his eyes slightly but didn’t say anything. I wondered if his mother had had a word with him, or maybe Jem. “Erm, I’m just about to put a movie on. Do you guys wanna watch?”

“Sure.” I replied, whilst Jem nodded his head. We followed Ryan back into the living room. I took a seat on the couch and Jem sat beside me. Okay, so he wasn’t exactly pressed up against me, but he wasn’t huddled in the corner like I was contagious like he usually is. “What film is it?” I asked before Ryan left to make popcorn.

“I don’t know yet, but it’ll be a horror film.” He answered. I sat back on the couch and noticed Jem was staring at me with his big chocolate eyes.

“What?”

He just shook his head, a faint smile on his lips. He handed me the blanket he folded up earlier and I spread it out over me, but then I reached across to drape half of it over him. I guess it made me feel closer to him. “Do you like horror films?” he asked, changing the subject from whatever I was about to ask him. I just shrugged.

“They’re okay. They all seem the same though. There’s always a beautiful woman and if she isn’t the main character she gets murdered; usually when she’s wearing hardly anything. If she is a main character, she meets up with the boy of her dreams and they all live happily ever after.” I pulled a face.

Jem cocked his head to the side. “You don’t like happily ever afters?” He questioned. I ran my fingers through my scruffy hair and made an unattractive grunting sound.

“They’re for people who are optimistic or just incredibly stupid or something. I think realistically. I know it’s impossible to love someone forever, so therefore happy endings don’t exist, not really.”

“How would you know for sure though?” He pressed on. I smiled at him.

“You sound like my parents. They’re always saying, “you’re a teenager, what would you know about love?” like loves one big exam you sit at school. And if it is, they’ve failed anyway because they’re getting a divorce, but they still talk about love like they know everything. They’re just hypocrites.”

“So you don’t like love then?”

“It’s not that. I think people who actually manage to find it and it’s the real deal are incredibly lucky. I just think it’s easier to pretend it doesn’t exist, especially because I know it is never gonna happen to me. Love works best when it’s in small dosages. It’s like chocolate; at first it tastes good and sweet, and it makes you happy and stops that craving in your stomach, but if you eat it everyday, it’s gonna make you sick.”

Jem nodded. “That’s an interesting way of putting it.” I laughed slightly at the seriousness of the conversation.

“It’s okay for you anyway.” I told him. “You’re not going to fall in love ever again. You’re not even gonna let anyone touch you.” He chuckled.

“Hmm, yes, I’m the smart one here if all you just said was true.” I paused and thought of a question for him. I had done enough talking.

“What does it feel like, when someone does touch you?” I asked. He thought for a minute, his forehead creased up with concentration.

“It’s like you’re in a crowd and everyone’s really sweaty. You sort of try your best not to touch anyone but if you do, you pull yourself away as fast as you can and a wave of repulsion flows through you and you suddenly feel uncomfortable. With me, it’s like that all the time, whether the person has been sweating or not.” He grinned at me but it didn’t reach his eyes.

I noticed his hand resting delicately on his knee. I touched his middle finger gently. Jem was watching my every move. “Does this make you feel uncomfortable?” I asked. Jem shook his head, his eyes still fixated on what I was doing.

I lay my hand out flatter and used the tips of my own fingers to stroke his tanned hand all the way up to his wrist. “What about this?” Jem didn’t have a chance to reply because Ryan walked in. Jem snatched his hand away from me and hid it under the blankets out of sight. I tried to fight the feeling of hurt. He couldn’t even bare me touching him.

Ryan gave us both a weird look and placed the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table. “I burnt the first batch.” He admitted. He put the movie on and took a seat on the floor so he had easy access to the pop corn he had made.

I couldn’t concentrate on the film. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I hadn’t even tried coming on to Jem this time but he still managed to turn me down. I pulled my own hands under the blankets and buried them in my lap. Tears were threatening to spill which just made me stupid and pathetic.

Suddenly something touched my leg. I glanced at Jem but his eyes were completely focused on the TV. I felt confused until whatever had touched me found what it was looking for. It gently took my hand and pulled it out of my lap, placing it in the gap between me and Jem. I didn’t do anything by myself. I didn’t want to be too eager and frighten him off again.

The warm hand which had took mine, slowly spread my fingers apart before lacing it’s own with mine. Trying to be slow and gentle as well, I folded mine up against his, so we were completely linked. I glanced at Jem again. He still looked completely engrossed in the film, but his expression looked more peaceful now.

I could feel my stomach churning the way it does when you have a huge crush or are just about to jump off a cliff. I had to stop a smile spreading its way across my lips.

We stayed holding hands under the blanket for the entire movie.