Some Peope Would Love To Have A Rockstar As A Brother

“Neither present nor future changes the past.” -Conscience

I had been looking into Johnny’s eyes the whole time, and I could tell it disconcerted him a lot, but to be honest I had forgotten he was there, listening intently, before my eyes. His soft hiss of anxiety had broken me out of my concentration and I quickly leaned back into the swing, cradling my phone into my chest, opening and closing it to ease my anxiety.

Neither of us spoke for a while and I was reminded of how things used to be between us: we would just sit together, neither of us speaking, lost in our own thoughts, comforting each other with our very presence. I missed it, I realized with a pang. I wanted to go sit with him in his chair and tuck my head under my brother’s chin and let him unconsciously rub my back.

But even as I thought about this I knew that I never would again; not because we would never be that close again, but because, after everything I had gone through, I would never lean on someone like that again. I knew that I was the maker and breaker of my own problems and I would bear that burden with no one but myself.

“so obviously he didn’t shoot you, but what happened next?” Johnny asked shyly, almost as if he was afraid to ask. I softened my eyes and let my lips curl into- not quite a smile, but close enough for him to relax.

“actually, he did shoot me…” I trailed away, my fingers subconsciously moving to caress the round scar on my left shoulder. “but he didn’t hit anything vital. I didn’t even go to the hospital, though I really should have on retrospect.”

“what?!” he cried out, reaching for my shoulder across the swing as if to make sure it was real and not some figment of his imagination. He sat back with an explosive sigh, the breath whooshing out of him and pushing him back on the swing.

“what happened?”

“the gunshot woke Him up, and he got drunkenly pissed. I think the dude who shot me was unconscious before He was done with him, I’m not too sure on the finer points because I was laying on the ground trying to get the blood to stop. I think someone called a nurse friend of Him, because I woke up the next morning in my bed with bandages on my shoulder that was aching like fuck.” I rolled my shoulder, remembering the pain and looked up into his eyes. “I don’t really expect an apology because it wasn’t your fault to begin with, so don’t waste your breath; but I would like it if we could start trying to put this behind us and stop treating each other like the fucking plague.”

With a deep breath he smiled sadly at me and grabbed my hand across the swings, letting it rock between us.

“it’s just taking my head of bit getting used to, so please forgive me if we don’t go back to normal quickly. I just… it’s just… fuck I don’t know what I’m trying to say here.” he stood up and pulled me with him, yanking on my arm until his other arm could wrap around my back, hugging me.

“I love you Jess, you’re my little sister; it’s just so hard for me to see what you’re going through and not jump in to save you. I’m sorry for being an ass to you lately.” I was so happy to hear that he loved me. I squeezed him tight and mumbled into his chest: “I love you too.”

But I’m not sure he heard me because right then a flash went off to our right and we both pulled apart to look for the source.

“god guys! I told you to turn the goddamn flash off first!”

“well so-ry I thought I had turned it off! If you’re such a fucking camera ninja why didn’t you take the picture?” There, all crouching behind one of the many trees in the park were the guys, looking comical as the all tried to see, but not be seen.

I laughed, and startled them, causing someone to lose their balance and ending in them all sprawled across the muddy grass.

“seriously Jimmy, could you be any less coordinated?” groaned Matt as he rolled onto his back.

“uh guys?” Johnny sounded more than a little exasperated. “what the hell are you doing here?”

“nothing! We were just, uh, passing through on our way to the liquor store?”Matt didn’t sound like he was convinced himself, let alone anyone else. Johnny just rolled his eyes and kept his arm around me, pulling me to his side as we walked off across the park away from the guys.

“We’ll see you guys later, I want to spend some time with my baby sis!” Johnny yelled over his shoulder before we walked around the corner, headed who knows where.

His arm was around the uncomfortable spot on my side: where I had been cut by one of His men on my left side, but I didn’t care- he would learn, and I would learn to be better siblings. I was in my happy spot for the first time in a long time.