Tennessee

Ben Sydney

The cold December air met me as I exited the airport. My suitcase trailed behind me and I took a quick second to rejoice in the loud buzzing of taxi cabs and clambering New Yorkers. Someone bumped into me and I pulled out of my reverie.

I was scared. I was fucking terrified actually. What if she had moved on? What if she didn't live in the apartment anymore? How did I leave her in the first place?

I shook my head and cringed at the thoughts that had plagued me ever since I had left that morning months ago. I walked and walked till I found a cab. The driver eyed me warily and glanced at my sleeves of colorful tattoos for a second. I nearly rolled my eyes but tried not to care. It wasn't important.

We drove deeply into the city and I looked at the buildings and bustling people whir by out of the cab window. I leaned against a hand on the cold glass and tried to form words to explain myself to Tennessee. They all seemed stupid and insane and I felt an agonizing lump of unsaid words fill my throat.

I flipped open my celphone to find a message from my mother asking me if I made it in okay. Suddenly, I felt my breathing hitch. December 17. Tennessee.

I tapped the divider between the driver and I.

"Here," I said quickly and he pulled over on the busy street.

I threw him a bill and walked out of the cab with my suitcase in hand.

I had to find Tennessee a birthday present.



"I wanna hold your haaaaand!" Paul sang loudly and off-key.

I pretended to cringe as we walked down the crowded street, our hands twined together. I had finally plucked up the courage to tell Paul about my demented past. He listened; he nodded and wrapped an arm around me at the right times as I recounted the tale one night over coffee. I expected him to be disgusted and push me away. But he only tried to empathize. I was glad that he didn't pity me; he lost no respect for me.

I felt the unhappiness that had taken permanent residence in my chest break a tiny, infinitesimal bit and I rested my head on his shoulder as we entered Birds.

"Happy birthday!"

I was met with a huge banner screaming 'Happy Birthday!' hanging above the checkout stand in the shop and a lively pair of people waving balloons and presents at me. The birthday decorations clashed with the Christmas decorations that hung around the shop, too. For a second I was confused.

I smiled warmly and looked up at Paul's gaze. He tugged me forward and I threw my arms around Lydia and Richie. Her small arms wound around my waist and Richie kissed the top of my head.

"You guys!" I wailed in surprise, "How did you know? I didn't tell anybody!"

Lydia rolled her eyes along with Paul which made the look more alike than ever.

"You underestimate us," Paul said and I grinned at him.

"Presents!"Richie cried and Lydia stepped forward to turn the Open sign to Closed. My friends dragged me over to the couch in the back room and threw boxes and bags at me.

Lydia gave me three dresses and a bracelet made of delicate silver. Richie bought me a knock-off pair of Dolce & Gabbana heels that looked pretty close to the real thing and murmured something along the lines of, "The real ones were two thousand dollars." And Paul gave me a golden necklace with a pendant of two doves flying towards each other. I marveled at their presents and hugged each of them with as much love as I could muster.

Lyds gave me the day off and Paul dropped me off at home. I felt like Mary had some surprise up her sleeve so I got ready as soon as I entered the apartment. One of my new dresses from Lydia was perfect for the night. It was a gold strapless dress, the chiffon glittery, with a pink ribbon around the middle. My hair lay in its wavy mess and I simply tried to pin it back with a couple of barrettes.

Night had fallen when I woke up to the sound of the doorbell ringing. I had been sitting in the kitchen stress eating on marshmallows when I got up and answered the door.
It was Paul. He wore pair of black crisp jeans and a brown tweed blazer along with a faded Pink Floyd tee shirt underneath. I smiled at him and he gazed up and down really quickly before breathing, "Wow."

I beamed and stepped forward to kiss him. And we unknowingly closed the door behind us. I walked backwards and his soft lips engulfed me as we fell onto the couch in the living room. It was a couple minutes when I heard what sounded like a stampede coming from the hall. I pulled away from Paul, panting like a fool, to see the handle of the apartment entrance turning. Paul turned his neck to see it too.

Mary was in the lead of the pack. She held a huge cake shaped into a dress and I could see Lydia, Richie, and my father standing beside her.

"Surprise!" They cried and I got up slowly. Mary's soft brown hair hung in wavelets and my father's crinkly smile found their way to me as I tried to engage them in a group hug.

I had no words to express my gratitude, only a watery grin.

"I love you guys," I whispered and then hugged each of them.

I saved Poppa for last, though. His stare was strong and proud and I ached for my mother. My mother who had died so suddenly of a heart attack, my mother who could make me feel better by just saying it would be okay. His arms wrapped me up and when every unspoken apology was exchanged, we stepped away with acceptance.

And then the party started.

The drinks rolled along and even my father seemed to take the loud karaoke in stride. Lydia's tiny body was full of margaritas and she laughed uncontrollably as she stepped up to the plate to wail a rendition of "Like A Virgin." Paul hit it off with my dad. They cringed together and Paul refilled Father's drink of gin and tonic.

At eleven o'clock Poppa decided he had partied enough and went home. We waved him goodbye and it seemed Lydia, Mary, Richie, and Paul loved my dad as much as I did. Father gave me a stern parting glance and I waved my ginger ale in his direction to reassure him of my sobriety.

Mary had distinctly stipulated that no alcohol was allowed at the bash but Lydia and Richie did not get the memo (nor would I allow them to know the reason why... at least not yet) and showed up with armfuls of amber and fiery bottles. I guaranteed Mary that I would be fine and that it wasn't a sin if she drank; I wasn't a child. Paul was set on being a support system and didn't drink either. He and I settled on fizzy drinks and only a sugar high was buzzing in our heads.

The stars twinkled outside the huge window that exposed our living room to the city and only lights could be seen from out the twentieth floor view. The group egged me on and I grabbed the mic from the rented karaoke system and sang to a 90s pop song that had a generic dance beat. I sang the sappy lyrics in Paul's direction and he pretended to wipe a tear from his eye as I mockingly proclaimed my love for him. The song ended and I planted a huge kiss on his lips.

The three drunken people whooped and hollered and I grinned back at them. We pulled away and laughed. I settled on Paul's lap and giggled furiously as Richie took the stage and belted out a Whitney Houston song.

The song ended and suddenly the buzzer rang. Lydia stumbled up to get it. I was too enraptured by Paul's take on a Beatles song to notice anything and I guffawed as everyone got up to wail that "All you need is love." Lydia soon came back and got right into the song.

The doorbell rang and I pulled away from the distracted group. I guessed Poppa had forgotten something and I walked across the flat to get the door.

A giggle escaped as I pulled back the heavy door because Lydia and Paul had now begun to dance and jump on the couch. My laugh was stopped abruptly short as I looked up from the ground. My ears crashed into my head. My stomach jumped to my throat.

"Ben?" I whispered and stepped forward. The door quietly swung shut behind me and my hands automatically reached out to touch him.

He stood in the hall, a sorry and marveling look on his face. He wore dark tight pants and a tan sweater, a black collar stuck out. The familiar tattoo of an eagle on his neck was barely shown. His olive skin seemed paler and he didn't seem boyish anymore; his dark chocolate eyes were those of a man. My fingers traced his cheeks and I tried to blink the film of tears away. The sight was too precious to be lost with silly tears.

"Tennessee."

His raspy voice broke on my name. A strange sound erupted from my own throat as he leaned against shoulder and dug his face into the wavy mess of my hair. He let the suitcase in his hands fall with a heavy thud. I stood with my eyes open and breathed in his scent. He smelled the same: pencil dust with the masculine hint of cologne. My chest ached as if the smell held some kind of healing property that I had unknowingly starved for.

We stood there for what seemed like a fleeting second. I felt soft sobs escape my lips and Ben's own mixed with them in the air, creating a painful duet. I felt like my knees were going to give way. There was no way this could be real. There was no way the solid figure could be Ben. I was dreaming.

"Tenn, you've got to see this-"

Paul's voice sounded behind us and I pulled apart (painfully) from Ben. I wiped at my wet eyes and hesitantly glanced up at Paul and then even more hesitantly glanced at Ben. He looked at Paul for a long second and then his eyes turned back to me. His lips set into a grim line and hurt flashed in his dark eyes.

"Who's this?" Paul asked, a bleak look in his eyes.

I pulled even farther away from Ben and placed a hand on Paul's chest. Anger had now risen in my chest and if I was going to hurt Ben as much as he hurt me, I was going to do it right. My simple gesture did its work. Ben's eyes dangerously caught my hand on Paul's chest.

"This is Ben." My voice sounded a bit ragged.

Paul nodded and looked at me, his eyes dug into mine to see if I was okay. I gave him one jerky nod.

"Ben," Paul greeted Ben and stuck out his hand.

Ben's stormy eyes watched me as he shook Paul's hand. I hid behind Paul's frame and leaned my head on his shoulder.

"Do you want to come inside?" Paul asked.

Ben nodded while I tried to dispute. "No! No!" I said anxiously.

Ben ignored me as he got his suitcase and entered the apartment behind Paul. The party was in full swing and the rowdy singers were in the middle of an obnoxious ballad.

Ben looked around the apartment. I knew he spotted the changes. His furniture was gone and only my girly and vintage finds filled the space. His eyes landed on me again and he began to stare. I kept my eyes on his, I was not weak anymore.

"Holy crap!" Mary yelled and fell on the floor when she had spotted Ben.

The entire group turned to look at Paul, Ben, and I standing behind them.

"Oh no," I groaned.

Mary was capable of saying anything when she was drunk and she knew everything. She was fierce when it came to protecting the ones she loved and I knew this was no exception. Paul tried to pull Mary's angry arm as she stormed up to Ben.

"You! You... jerk! Leave! You ruined her, you fucking ruined her!" she cried and aimed shots at Ben.

"Mary, Mary stop," I chanted, "Stop Mary."

Paul laughed nervously and said, "Okay, someone has had too many drinks."

Mary shot a guilty looking Ben dirty looks as Paul dragged her to her bedroom where it seemed she passed out. Lydia and Richie got up to introduce themselves. Ben nodded and attempted a smile as they greeted him in their stupor.

"Well, I guess the party's over," Lydia sighed after awkwardly hugging Ben and walked unsteadily towards the kitchen to get her purse. Paul came back from tending Mary and announced the party officially over. He looked at me and said, "I have to get Richie and Lydia home. They're piss drunk," he said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, "Are you going to be okay?"

He looked up at Ben with a disapproving glance and Ben matched it with one of his own. I felt panic build in my chest and disbelief at my situation. I was surprised at the cool tone of my voice as I replied, "I'll be fine."

Paul gave me a nod and bent down to kiss me. It seemed his lips stayed on mine a little too long and I could hear a faint hiss come from Ben's direction.

"Happy birthday," he whispered as he pulled away and I feebly said, "Thanks."

"Happy birthday!" Lydia and Richie wailed as they exited the apartment with Paul monitoring them. The door shut and it was only Ben and I.

The silence was drawn out and almost tangible. I was about to take a breath when I heard an angry noise escape Ben's lips.

"I can't believe you're fucking the café guy."