Tennessee

Dark red lipstick. Short black dress. Shiny pumps.

I stepped out of my bedroom the next Saturday morning and found Ben munching on cereal in the kitchen. I felt myself smirk when his eyes widened and he gulped.

"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice nonchalant.

"Central Park," I said curtly and reached for an apple on the counter.

"You're going to the park in the middle of December dressed like that?" Ben said blankly.

"Wait, let me explain. I'm going to the park with Paul," I said slowly.

Ben's eyes narrowed and he turned back to his cereal.

"I know what you're doing," he sang under his breath.

"And what is that?" I asked, looking down to pick a piece of lint from my dress.

"You're trying to make me jealous," he said matter-of-factly.

I feigned surprise.

"Don't flatter yourself," I snorted.

"C'mon, are you really gonna wear that?" Ben asked.

"Yes," I said coolly.

"You look ridiculous," he said.

"Well then don't look at me."

Ben glared at the floor and I knew I was getting to him. If there was one thing I knew he could not stand, it was me seeing other guys; I was going to do everything in my power to leave him ruined.

Just then the doorbell rang. I knew it was Paul. Ben knew it was Paul. We eyed each other warily for a long second before we both bolted up and ran to get the door. Ben's long legs carried him faster and I ended up pushing him to gain a lead.

"Fuck, Tenny," he cursed as he crashed into the corner of the hallway. He recovered quickly and tried to hold me back with one arm and I fell behind. He beat me and opened the door swiftly. I could hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice as he greeted Paul.

"Why, hello there Paul."

Paul's blue eyes didn't even blink.

"Hey, Ben," he said politely.

Paul's gaze landed on me.

"Whoa. Tenn. Um." His eyes went up and down my legs slowly.

"Oh, you like it?" I asked innocently.

Paul gulped and moved to open his mouth but Ben (with a disgusted look etched on his face) gave Paul the dirtiest look before turning to me and saying, "You see what I mean? You look absurd! He's totally making fun of you right now."

I rolled my eyes before stepping forward to slip a hand into one of Paul's.

"Bye, Ben. Don't wait up."

"I won't," Ben replied coldly.



"Look, look!" I cried as a squirrel ran past.

I brought an extra pair of wool leggings because, frankly, it was fucking cold outside. Snow was drifting in the sky and Paul tried not to smirk when I asked him if we could stop at a McDonalds to change. He was too kind.

"Tenn and her crazy love of rodents," Paul commented and I swatted him playfully.
A short comfortable silence was demolished by Paul's next remark.

"I wish Ben wasn't here."

"Believe me, neither do I." Lie.

Paul scrutinized my face and I tried to wipe it free from emotion. I sighed and looked down.
"Don't make a fool out of me, Tennessee."

I looked up. His words weren't mean or meant to wound, they were sincere and honest.

"I won't, I promise."



I returned home to the apartment. Ben wasn't there and I hoped he wouldn't return... kind of. I watched as snow fell outside of the window. I remembered my last winter –spent alone, aching and sobbing. I would never go back there again. My silent promises were broken by Ben, who had just walked into the apartment with a bag of my favorite takeout in his arms. The cold air made his cheeks red and his beanie and coat came off as he settled inside.

"Hi," he said stiffly.

"Hi," I said softly.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, moving into the kitchen.

I nodded and scrunched the long sleeves of my cardigan up to my elbows. My vixenish outfit was back on its hangers, worn out from the heavy day with Paul. I wore a plain pair of flannel bottoms with a tank top and I had no makeup on. I had no energy. All the revenge business was wearing me out. And as I sat down at the breakfast nook across from Ben, I realized I sucked at vengeance. Ben laughed at me as he set out a kabob in front of me.
I sighed heavily and murmured a "Thanks." He nodded. It would have been awkward if I wasn't so hungry. I dug into my meal and barely looked up to find Ben smiling lightly.

"What?" I asked dryly.

"I don't know. I'm waiting for you to throw a steaming bowl of food at me. I deserve it."

"Fuck it," I said, shrugging my shoulders, "I hate you but I would never do that to you! I would prefer something much more solid and heavy, preferably fatal," I finished sarcastically.

"Ha," he laughed dryly.

I couldn't help the smile that tugged at my lips but tried to focus on chewing and swallowing rather than thinking of how comfortable I was with Ben. It was way too easy to be with him and that terrified me. I remembered our banter from before and felt a flood of warmth flow through me and then quickly turn into ice as I considered my recent heartbreak.

I ate quietly and looked out of the window again. Ben watched me silently and I plucked up the courage to eye him back. We both sighed at the same time.

"Well, it seems like things have gotten worse for you since I've been here," Ben said quietly.

"It was necessary, I guess," I replied.

"Really?"

"Yes. How else can I move on?" I said quietly.

Ben nodded gravely.

"I have to go," he said quietly.

"I know," I whispered and I blinked back tears.

I made a slow movement towards him and he opened his arms.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

I pushed myself on his lap and wrapped my arms around him. The ache in my chest wound me up and burst at the same time. I wanted to touch him and kiss him and know him like before. His strong arms caught me up and I felt my face burn with tears.

"I don't want to let you go," he said gruffly.

"I know."

I kept reminding myself this was the right thing to do and that my righteous anger and spite justified this decision. I blinded myself with my pain.

"I'm sorry," he repeated over and over again.

I placed my hands to his lips. And with that single touch, my skin jolted and I found myself bending down to kiss him. He responded with so much fervor that I almost pulled away, but it was just so right. His soft lips moved with mine and I wrapped my arms around him, pressing tightly against him and suddenly I couldn't breathe.

My arms moved to his army jacket and we unbuttoned it ferociously, trying to free ourselves from it. His hands moved to my shirt and I quickly whipped it off; his eyes gazed at my bare skin and I felt myself become free and beautiful. His lips moved across my skin and I groaned in contentment as he kissed my neck.

Ben's jeans were halfway undone when I pulled away.

"Oh, my gosh!" I cried, covering my face with my hands and suddenly pulling Ben's shirt from off the floor to cover my chest.

Ben's panting breaths seemed to double as he watched me storm off of him and move out to the living room.

"Tenn, Tenny!" he cried after me.

"I can't believe you took advantage of me like that!" I shouted irrationally.

"You did that, too, Tennessee," Ben said sternly.

My chest heaved and I stared at him.

"How, how?" I whimpered.

Ben grabbed my hands and the look on his face was earnest.

"If you tell me that you don't love me anymore, I'll leave. If you want to spend your time with him, then do it. But tell me, Tennessee. And I'll go. I'll go," his imploring had dropped down to a tortured whisper and his eyes closed on the last words.

I watched his hands entwined in mine. I watched his grave and mournful face.

Let him in.
No.
Let it go.
Not yet.

I shook my head slowly. My tears were nonexistent and I was shocked at my calm demeanor. Ben's tormented face only motivated me more.

"No," I whispered, "I don't want you. I want someone who deserves me."

Ben blinked and we stood for a second, my hands still caught in his. Gradually, he pulled his hands away from mine. He turned around and I watched his back as he put on his coat and grabbed his suitcase from the hall.

"Goodbye, Tennessee Monroe," he whispered, his back still turned.

I bit back the tears in the back of my throat and whispered, "Goodbye, Ben Sydney."
As the door shut, I fell on the couch and watched the city revolve and spark from a distance. I couldn't believe it happened.

I didn't cry that night. Tears didn't satisfy the pain in my heart. I slowly got up in the starry night sky and noticed a small wrapped present on the floor where Ben's suitcase had been. I reached out for it. I didn't open it. And I still haven't opened it.



Ben Sydney

She can move on.
But I will never.
And that is the sad part.