Tennessee

My job at Birds became routine, but in a good way. I got to go to different small designers around the city and check out their stuff. I filled out paperwork. I occasionally used my twenty five percent discount. It was nice to have a purpose. Lydia was a great boss and although she scared me a little, she was forgiving.

Paul called me a couple times, but I would make excuses not to go. I had a toothache. I needed to walk my dog (I didn't have a dog). Different stuff every time, but Paul would receive my pretexts with much grace which made me realize I was being a jerk.

After work that night, I picked up some falafel for dinner and walked to my father's apartment. The doormen seemed pleased that I no longer looked like a beggar and let me in with happy looks on their faces. My father was even more ecstatic at my change. He was up more. He smiled more. He was proud of me again.

"Poppa!" I called through the great expanse of his apartment.

"See! I'm in here!" he cried back.

I grabbed the falafel and walked over to his place in the granite kitchen.

"I got your favorite," I sang as I opened the plastic containers, full of rich aromas.

He grinned and looked at me, "Thanks Tennessee," he murmured and began to politely scarf down his portion while I picked at mine absently.

"You're not hungry, bug?" he asked.

I nodded and took a small bite of falafel.

"Do you think you'll ever get married again?" I blurted.

The question had left my lips before I had time to really think about what I was asking. My father choked on his food and it took him a gallon of his soda to get him to answer.

"Oh, honey, I don't know... sometimes it feels like there's no one else," he muttered gruffly.

I began to blink a lot, holding back tears. If my father only had one love, was that it for me? Had loving Ben so much left me defective? Would I never feel that way about anyone ever again? My father saw my expression and quickly changed sides.

"Well... Hopefully one day, I will meet someone, but never anyone like your mother. Not bad, just different," he said quietly.

I nodded and he held me.

"See, you're only twenty one, you have your entire life ahead of you. You will not be alone."

"Sometimes it feels like I have no choice."



When I returned home, Mary was cleaning up. She had just had dinner and I was stuffed from my own supper with Poppa.

"Hey, Tennessee," Mary greeted me.

It had been a couple weeks since our talks and I was anxious to speak again. It became therapeutic to recount everything in the past, and every time I said something aloud, it allowed me to push myself away from it. It helped me let go.

Mary had also become my best friend. It really hadn't started out that way. After Ben, I needed help paying rent and she answered my ad from a bulletin board in the library. Mary was just a stranger for a long time, but as I withered away, she was there. She helped me quit drugs, she listened to me, she put up with my fickle attitude. Mary was my only confidante. And now that I was sober, I felt like I could be her friend. It was two counterparts, rather than she alone, driving herself crazy to watch out for me.

"You wanna talk tonight?" I asked feebly.

Mary's green eyes lit up and she smiled. She sat down on our comfy leather couch and patted the tweed loveseat before her.

I put my medium length auburn hair in a loose bun and began again.



"Happy birthday!"

I had come bursting into the small club where I was supposed to be meeting Ben that night and was ambushed by every human being I had ever met in my entire life.

"Agh!" I cried and covered my face with my hands.

Ben strode over to me and wrapped an arm around my waist.

"You guys scared her!" Ben cried to the crowd jokingly and they laughed.

Although Ben and I had been hanging out for a month and a half already, we weren't very official or anything. I didn't understand why, though. Ben bluntly showed his distaste when I would mention another guy. Like when one of my merchandising classmates asked me out for coffee after class, Ben made sure I knew he didn't like it. I laughed at the incident in my head.

"So you like this guy?" Ben asked.
"Oh, please. Are you jealous?" I questioned tentatively.
"No. I mean, yes. I mean... does it matter? Don't. Please, just don't see him, okay?"

It seemed Ben had rented an entire section of the swanky club and everyone stepped up to hug me and wish me a happy birthday. Turning twenty was nice, of course I still couldn't legally drink or anything (Which Ben seemed to tease me constantly on), but I liked how I was considered an adult. I had no –teen in my age anymore. I was teen free!

My parents had come, too. My mother's silky blond hair smelled like Coco Chanel perfume when I leaned in to hug her and my father looked happy, his gray hair was combed and he wore a suit. Ben had taken a liking to Poppa and Poppa to him. They liked to talk about art and discuss the stock market. My mother adored Ben although she didn't appreciate his tattoos.

A mountain of presents for me had formed on the table where I was seated with my parents, Ben, and Luz. I sipped on my ginger ale while opening each present carefully. I got a Marc Jacobs purse from Luz who had nicked it at a photo shoot she had aided. My mother and father gave me an expensive diamond bracelet. I stared at them in awe. I can still remember exactly what my mother said when I had stood up to hug her and Poppa again.

"A diamond for a diamond, Tennessee."

Every present I got was beautiful. I laughed at the 'neck massager' a friend named Sue had gotten me (Ben had given her an incredulous and angry look all at the same time). I cried as my favorite professor gave a speech telling the crowd how I got an A in the class. It was so much fun, but as I stepped out of the club, kissing and hugging all of my wondrous guests, I realized Ben hadn't given me a present. Well... he did throw the party, I guessed.

I hailed a taxi and Ben and I stuffed the millions of presents into the back seat. Ben smiled and said, "Aren't you wondering where my present is?"

"Well... you did throw the party," I reminded him.

Ben rolled his eyes.

We drove to my apartment and Ben helped me carry the collection of gifts up the stairs to my home. My apartment back then was a little shady. It was tiny but the amount of time I had spent decorating it helped it seem homey.

Ben and I heaved the bags onto my mauve glitter and velvet couch and collapsed onto the floor. Climbing five floors took a lot out of you.

"Tennessee... Will you be my girlfriend?" Ben asked, completely out of breath.

"Really?" I panted, "Is that my present?"

Ben smiled and shook his head. He got up and got out a sketchbook from a random gift bag from the jumble.

"This is for you," he muttered in embarrassment and nervously rubbed the back of his neck.
I took it and opened the book. It was full of sketches. Sketches of roses. Sketches of hands. Sketches of me. There was one of me, smiling brightly. There was one of me asleep. I flipped through them with an awed look on my face. My hazel eyes widened as I turned every page.

"I hope you l-"

I had already gotten up to cover him in kisses.



Mary looked at me. She got up and whispered, "Good night, Tennessee. I am so very proud of you."

I stayed alone on the couch for a while and watched as the flame of the candle in front of me burnt out, sending wax in all directions on the coffee table. I slowly got up, knowing that what I ached to do would crush me into oblivion. But how I wanted to see them again.

I entered my room and bent down below my bed. I glanced around like a criminal. My fingers trembled as I retrieved the box from underneath. The book was there. I opened it, scanning the familiar pages and touching every sketch. Tears blurred my vision as I got to the last page. There, in his familiar boxy scrawl, was the only reason I kept going.

I will love you always.