Status: Back in Business
Twilight
Letter to Burn For
The more time I spent alone with Bill, the more I could see the jealousy and fury in Tom's eyes. Bill began to notice the change between Tom and I. He believed it would be best to return to Germany soon. My heart ached when I pictured not having him around. But how could I tell him not to go?
"Liebe," Bill cornered me one day in his hotel room. "I hate to say this."
Tears fogged my eyes, "Don't go."
His eyeliner began to moisten from tears as well. "I have been here for a long time. A month to say the least. We need to go home for a bit." I stopped listening at that very instance. He was leaving me.
"Just go Bill!" I ran out of the room. I ran into a chest, a familiar scent filled my nostrils. "Tom," I whispered gently as I missed him. My eyes squinted with anger and fury as I shoved him as hard as I could.
"What the hell?!" Tom shouted as I ran past him and into the elevator.
Memories flashed in my mind at a million miles per hour. I had painful flashbacks. I saw myself in third person sliding down the bathroom wall. In my trembling hand I held a pregnancy test. My mom was pounding on the door. The loud ding of the elevator crashed my reality. Like a maniac I ran out of the hotel and into busy traffic. Cars honked as I dodged between them to get across and down the stairs into the BART station. My shaky hands fumbled for a five dollar bill to buy my passage home. My stomach had other plans, I yanked the ticket from the machine and ran towards the nearest trashcan. Having not eaten anything, I threw up light orange bile.
My world swirled around me. Voices began to combine into soft murmurs. I felt eyes on me. A soft hand shook my world as it pulled me around. An angry Bill stared at me with concern. Neither of us said a word to the other. A huge gust of wind blew as the train pulled in. I needed to get on. Slowly,
I stepped backwards onto the train. Bill reached out to grab me. I grabbed his hands and shoved him as hard as I could. He landed on the floor on his butt with a startled and surprised look. A security guard yelled at me, what he said I don't know. I looked at him for one last second before stepping on the train. The doors closed right in Bill's face. He shouted and banged on the doors to open but it was too late. The train took off.
The whole way home, I was quiet. I began to cramp up as I walked home. It felt as though I was being stabbed through the uterus and torn across. I fell to the floor in pain in the middle of the sidewalk a few blocks from my house. Cars passed me by as I moaned in pain. No one stopped to see if I was fine. Was I miscarrying? Stress? What was happening.
A strong pair of hands picked me off the floor. I knew these hard hands. Opening my eyes, I stared into a pair of cold, bright, honey brown eyes. His face was cold and blank. As much as I could, I smiled softly up at him, Thanks Dwight." And that's all I remembered that day.
My mom was as furious as can be when she found out. She was going to throw Bill's ass in jail. If I hadn't been in as much pain or cramping as badly, she would have knocked down his door. We all feared of the possibility of me miscarrying. The doctors said there was nothing they could do until I bled. I could take motrin for pain but it was in God's hands.
I wanted to call Bill, have him here. But no way would my mother allow him nor would Dwight. He spent the night on the floor of my room, holding my hand the entire time. Every now and then, I would wince and tighten my grip. He would wake up suddenly and hold me tight until the pain stopped. Then he would settle back on the ground and close his eyes. Not once would he talk to me. For that I was somewhat grateful.
There was nothing to say. I was a 15 year old slut. Pregnant. Didn't know who the father was. Was it Bill? Tom?When I woke up the next day, I was all alone. He was gone. My cellphone, that lay charging on my nightstand, was pitch black. No small blue light flickering on every few seconds to tell me I had I missed call or text or anything. My heart sank. He wasn't worried about me. Lifting the sheets, I was glad to see that there wasn't any blood. Ever so gently I ran my right across my stomach, stopping at the center. I felt no bump. No movement.
Without any pain whatsoever, I made it out of my room, down the hall and into the living room. My mom sat on the couch all alone. Her eyes looked red and puffy. There was so much pain in her eyes. She shook her head once she saw me. I couldn't say anything, what was there to say? I made my way over to the bigger couch and laid down. Pulling the small blue blanket over myself, I cuddled into a ball.
"He left a few hours ago," her voice cracked. "He left this letter."
I grabbed the letter and stood up. On the coffee table was my mother's lighter. Grabbing the lighter, I made my way to the stone fireplace. "I love you Bill," I whispered as I lit the letter on fire. My heart burned as the letter did. I felt myself suffocating from the pain. But it left, it left once I threw the burning letter into the fireplace.
~~~~~~~
I recall a long farewell
And a time to choose
So we part like rivers baby
Yea like rivers do
"Liebe," Bill cornered me one day in his hotel room. "I hate to say this."
Tears fogged my eyes, "Don't go."
His eyeliner began to moisten from tears as well. "I have been here for a long time. A month to say the least. We need to go home for a bit." I stopped listening at that very instance. He was leaving me.
"Just go Bill!" I ran out of the room. I ran into a chest, a familiar scent filled my nostrils. "Tom," I whispered gently as I missed him. My eyes squinted with anger and fury as I shoved him as hard as I could.
"What the hell?!" Tom shouted as I ran past him and into the elevator.
Memories flashed in my mind at a million miles per hour. I had painful flashbacks. I saw myself in third person sliding down the bathroom wall. In my trembling hand I held a pregnancy test. My mom was pounding on the door. The loud ding of the elevator crashed my reality. Like a maniac I ran out of the hotel and into busy traffic. Cars honked as I dodged between them to get across and down the stairs into the BART station. My shaky hands fumbled for a five dollar bill to buy my passage home. My stomach had other plans, I yanked the ticket from the machine and ran towards the nearest trashcan. Having not eaten anything, I threw up light orange bile.
My world swirled around me. Voices began to combine into soft murmurs. I felt eyes on me. A soft hand shook my world as it pulled me around. An angry Bill stared at me with concern. Neither of us said a word to the other. A huge gust of wind blew as the train pulled in. I needed to get on. Slowly,
I stepped backwards onto the train. Bill reached out to grab me. I grabbed his hands and shoved him as hard as I could. He landed on the floor on his butt with a startled and surprised look. A security guard yelled at me, what he said I don't know. I looked at him for one last second before stepping on the train. The doors closed right in Bill's face. He shouted and banged on the doors to open but it was too late. The train took off.
The whole way home, I was quiet. I began to cramp up as I walked home. It felt as though I was being stabbed through the uterus and torn across. I fell to the floor in pain in the middle of the sidewalk a few blocks from my house. Cars passed me by as I moaned in pain. No one stopped to see if I was fine. Was I miscarrying? Stress? What was happening.
A strong pair of hands picked me off the floor. I knew these hard hands. Opening my eyes, I stared into a pair of cold, bright, honey brown eyes. His face was cold and blank. As much as I could, I smiled softly up at him, Thanks Dwight." And that's all I remembered that day.
My mom was as furious as can be when she found out. She was going to throw Bill's ass in jail. If I hadn't been in as much pain or cramping as badly, she would have knocked down his door. We all feared of the possibility of me miscarrying. The doctors said there was nothing they could do until I bled. I could take motrin for pain but it was in God's hands.
I wanted to call Bill, have him here. But no way would my mother allow him nor would Dwight. He spent the night on the floor of my room, holding my hand the entire time. Every now and then, I would wince and tighten my grip. He would wake up suddenly and hold me tight until the pain stopped. Then he would settle back on the ground and close his eyes. Not once would he talk to me. For that I was somewhat grateful.
There was nothing to say. I was a 15 year old slut. Pregnant. Didn't know who the father was. Was it Bill? Tom?When I woke up the next day, I was all alone. He was gone. My cellphone, that lay charging on my nightstand, was pitch black. No small blue light flickering on every few seconds to tell me I had I missed call or text or anything. My heart sank. He wasn't worried about me. Lifting the sheets, I was glad to see that there wasn't any blood. Ever so gently I ran my right across my stomach, stopping at the center. I felt no bump. No movement.
Without any pain whatsoever, I made it out of my room, down the hall and into the living room. My mom sat on the couch all alone. Her eyes looked red and puffy. There was so much pain in her eyes. She shook her head once she saw me. I couldn't say anything, what was there to say? I made my way over to the bigger couch and laid down. Pulling the small blue blanket over myself, I cuddled into a ball.
"He left a few hours ago," her voice cracked. "He left this letter."
I grabbed the letter and stood up. On the coffee table was my mother's lighter. Grabbing the lighter, I made my way to the stone fireplace. "I love you Bill," I whispered as I lit the letter on fire. My heart burned as the letter did. I felt myself suffocating from the pain. But it left, it left once I threw the burning letter into the fireplace.
~~~~~~~
I recall a long farewell
And a time to choose
So we part like rivers baby
Yea like rivers do