Status: Back in Business
Twilight
Give Myself
That night will forever burn a hole in me. I didn't mean to. I don't know what crossed my mind. One second I was happy with Bill and the next I'm sleeping with his brother in a car a few blocks from my house. What is wrong with me? Am I really that damaged? All night I kept tossing and turning. It wasn't rape, it was consensual. I consented to sleeping with the brother of a guy that loves me. Well, I think he does love me. He says it all the time. And he did come back for me.
For a full week, I was able to dodge the Kaulitz twins. Both became even more desperate by the minute. I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. One minute I'm dating my best friend, get caught kissing another guy, break that guy's heart as well by not returning the love, and then get reunited only to sleep with his brother. I'm only 15 and sleeping around. I just want to be normal again.
On a fateful Saturday, I finally responded to Bill's text messages. He wanted to see me. Just the two of us. I felt as though I had to see him and confess in order to put an end to this burning pit of guilt. I was scared to see his reaction. I didn't mean to hurt him. I guess I pretended it was him instead of Tom, I was desperate for some kind of affection. I needed to feel loved. Something. Anything.
"Liebe!" Bill shouted as I uneasily climbed into the very car I soiled. I felt disgusting. Like no amount of showers could wash away this filth.
"Hey," I feigned a smile as I buckled up. He didn't waste any time to kiss me. Against my better judgement, I kissed him back.
"I missed you," he said as he turned to face the road and take off. Chatter was nice and simple, he did most of the talking. He told me his entire week as he drove to his hotel. "We can order room service and watch movies all day. I'm a bit tired, it's been a long week." I just nodded.
Nothing much was spoken as we arrived at the Hyatt. He held my hand tightly as we made our way inside. We got a few stares and I heard a few shutters and clicks. I just kept walking and didn't look back. I was a bit used to being photographed when I spent time with the boys. Although it wasn't much time, we did get followed around a bit.
Once in the room, Bill plopped on the bed and turned on the tv. He stretched his arms out for me to come lay down with him. His pooffed up hair was a bit messy, he didn't put in effort to stand it up all the way. He wasn't wearing any make up or jewelry, just some loose jeans and plain t-shirt. He looked normal. The perfect kind of nomal. I slipped off my shoes and climbed on in. I rested my head on his chest as he pulled me close. My eyes started to slowly close as Bill began to softly hum as he ran his fingers through my hair.
I don't know how long I slept for. I woke up on the bed alone. Bill was no where in sight. The tv had been turned off and the lights were dimmed down. I checked my phone that read 2:25 pm, I must have slept an hour or so. Soft laughter came from the hallway. The voices became recognizable as they got closer. I could hear Georg and Gustav laughing about something in German. As soon as I heard someone at the door I laid down as quickly as I could and pretended to be asleep.
"Liebe?," Bill whispered as he walked in and closed the door. He walked over to the table and set something down on the glass. The bed sank behind me as he crawled into bed. He put his arm around me and kissed the back of my head.
"Hmm?" I groaned, pretending to wake up. I shook my head and cuddled deeper into the blanket. "Sleep."
"I brought pizza," he chuckled softly. "Come on you need to eat."
Opening my eyes, I saw a large cardboard box of pizza sitting on the round glass table. "That smells fucking incredible."
We ate a few pizza slices each while watching a movie, Pirates of the Caribbean to be exact. It was nice to have a simple date with someone. Although I knew the longer I waited to tell him, the harder it would be. Every few minutes, I would sneak him a glance out of the corner of my eyes. He was quick to notice because soon after he turned to face me.
"What's wrong? "
"I...I..," I couldn't help but stutter.
Bill closed his eyes and took a big deep breath, "I know you have been through a lot. I want you to be comfortable with me before we go any further-"
"Bill-"
He rose his hand to continue, "We both have a past. Let it stay that way. I really meant it when I told you I loved you. I was really hurt and felt rejected when you said you couldn't be with me." My heart ached as he brought that night up. "But right now you are with me. I'm with you. That's all that matters. I'll always be there for you. Ok?"
I just nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. I couldn't tell him.... "Good," his face softened into a smile. "I just want to be with you and be happy."
I smiled and pressed my lips to him. Lips attached, Bill removed the pizza plates off the floor and onto the night stand. I don't know what kind of screwed up person I was, but right now I just wanted Bill. I wanted to give myself to him....
For a full week, I was able to dodge the Kaulitz twins. Both became even more desperate by the minute. I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. One minute I'm dating my best friend, get caught kissing another guy, break that guy's heart as well by not returning the love, and then get reunited only to sleep with his brother. I'm only 15 and sleeping around. I just want to be normal again.
On a fateful Saturday, I finally responded to Bill's text messages. He wanted to see me. Just the two of us. I felt as though I had to see him and confess in order to put an end to this burning pit of guilt. I was scared to see his reaction. I didn't mean to hurt him. I guess I pretended it was him instead of Tom, I was desperate for some kind of affection. I needed to feel loved. Something. Anything.
"Liebe!" Bill shouted as I uneasily climbed into the very car I soiled. I felt disgusting. Like no amount of showers could wash away this filth.
"Hey," I feigned a smile as I buckled up. He didn't waste any time to kiss me. Against my better judgement, I kissed him back.
"I missed you," he said as he turned to face the road and take off. Chatter was nice and simple, he did most of the talking. He told me his entire week as he drove to his hotel. "We can order room service and watch movies all day. I'm a bit tired, it's been a long week." I just nodded.
Nothing much was spoken as we arrived at the Hyatt. He held my hand tightly as we made our way inside. We got a few stares and I heard a few shutters and clicks. I just kept walking and didn't look back. I was a bit used to being photographed when I spent time with the boys. Although it wasn't much time, we did get followed around a bit.
Once in the room, Bill plopped on the bed and turned on the tv. He stretched his arms out for me to come lay down with him. His pooffed up hair was a bit messy, he didn't put in effort to stand it up all the way. He wasn't wearing any make up or jewelry, just some loose jeans and plain t-shirt. He looked normal. The perfect kind of nomal. I slipped off my shoes and climbed on in. I rested my head on his chest as he pulled me close. My eyes started to slowly close as Bill began to softly hum as he ran his fingers through my hair.
I don't know how long I slept for. I woke up on the bed alone. Bill was no where in sight. The tv had been turned off and the lights were dimmed down. I checked my phone that read 2:25 pm, I must have slept an hour or so. Soft laughter came from the hallway. The voices became recognizable as they got closer. I could hear Georg and Gustav laughing about something in German. As soon as I heard someone at the door I laid down as quickly as I could and pretended to be asleep.
"Liebe?," Bill whispered as he walked in and closed the door. He walked over to the table and set something down on the glass. The bed sank behind me as he crawled into bed. He put his arm around me and kissed the back of my head.
"Hmm?" I groaned, pretending to wake up. I shook my head and cuddled deeper into the blanket. "Sleep."
"I brought pizza," he chuckled softly. "Come on you need to eat."
Opening my eyes, I saw a large cardboard box of pizza sitting on the round glass table. "That smells fucking incredible."
We ate a few pizza slices each while watching a movie, Pirates of the Caribbean to be exact. It was nice to have a simple date with someone. Although I knew the longer I waited to tell him, the harder it would be. Every few minutes, I would sneak him a glance out of the corner of my eyes. He was quick to notice because soon after he turned to face me.
"What's wrong? "
"I...I..," I couldn't help but stutter.
Bill closed his eyes and took a big deep breath, "I know you have been through a lot. I want you to be comfortable with me before we go any further-"
"Bill-"
He rose his hand to continue, "We both have a past. Let it stay that way. I really meant it when I told you I loved you. I was really hurt and felt rejected when you said you couldn't be with me." My heart ached as he brought that night up. "But right now you are with me. I'm with you. That's all that matters. I'll always be there for you. Ok?"
I just nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. I couldn't tell him.... "Good," his face softened into a smile. "I just want to be with you and be happy."
I smiled and pressed my lips to him. Lips attached, Bill removed the pizza plates off the floor and onto the night stand. I don't know what kind of screwed up person I was, but right now I just wanted Bill. I wanted to give myself to him....