This Heart, It Beats, Beats for Only You

Casey was moving around in a daze. She opened her locker and absentmindedly grabbed her book for the next class, not even paying attention to her surroundings. How could she? Her thoughts were jumbled and all focused on one person, one event. She couldn’t believe she had run out of the hospital room like that. What was wrong with her? Joe needed her and she had just abandoned her. She lightly banged her head against the lockers. She really needed a good butt kicking right about now.

“Um hey Casey,” Marisa said, grabbing her attention. Zoey and Sam were with her too.

She looked at her best friends. “Hey guys.”

“Casey, you look a mess,” Sam said.

Casey rolled her eyes at the still on ice girl. “Funny, I have one bad day and you have – every bad day?”

“Case, come on, we’re your friends,” Marisa said, quickly coming to Sam’s defense.

Casey raised her eyebrows at the girl, who was her best friend over all others, the girl who seemed to be getting more attention lately than her. Though Casey had become so isolated because of her own doing, she still got pings from makeascene. And ever since Sam and Marisa started hanging out more, it seemed likely she was about to be usurped for the queen, not that she cared really. Joe had taught her that other things were more important, or rather, reminded her of that fact. But the school proclaimed title was hers, and with everything falling apart, she would be damned if she let someone take it from her.

Zoey seemed to know what she was thinking because she put her hand on Casey’s arm to calm her. “And we just want you to know that we’re here for you.”

She smiled slightly at her cousin. “Thanks.”

“So how is he?” Zoey asked, returning her smile more widely.

“I don’t know,” she admitted truthfully. She knew Zoey probably knew what she had done, but she didn’t know if her cousin had told the others. “Where’s Nick?”

“Right here,” a voice said behind them. Nick came into view and kissed Zoey’s cheek before lightly hugging Casey. “How are you doing?”

“Does it matter?” she asked quietly.

“Of course it does,” his tone was just as low.

Marisa and Sam looked at each other pointedly, and Casey knew they were talking about her behind her back. Zoey seemed to notice this too because once again, she intervened before Casey could call them out on it. “How is Joe?” she asked Nick.

Nick’s gaze was only on Casey as he answered, “He’s alright for now. He feels so alone right now.”

Casey winced at the words, knowing they were for her. “I have to go,” she said, closing her locker. “Class.”

She didn’t wait for their response and started walking away. “Casey, wait up,” Nick ran behind her.

She sighed. “What is it, Nick?” She didn’t slow down or look at him.

“Look, I understand why you ran out,” he said, not beating around the bush. “Trust me, I do. It’s a lot to take in. I’m still trying to take it in and I’ve known about it for years now. But what I want to say is that Joe wanted to tell you, he really did. But he didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Well he did,” she said, quietly. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, stopping to turn and look at Nick. “Look, I know what you’re trying to do. And I will go talk to him. But – he led me to believe we would be together for a long time, Nick. And now I have to face the fact that I won’t have even a year with him.”

“Casey, you won’t even have 6 months,” Nick said quietly. “Do you really want to waste it being mad at him? Look, I get it. You’re hurt. He didn’t tell you. He lied. But he has 6 months, Casey. 6 months. I don’t even want to come to school so I can spend that many more hours with my dying brother. And you won’t even--.” He sighed, shaking his head. “Look, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m really not. I just want you o understand. He’s known he’s been dying for years now. And because of it, he’s never let his heart go. He’s never let anyone in. But he let you in. He fell in love with you, against his better judgment. He knew what he was going to put you through and he tried so hard to protect you from it. But even knowing you, even talking to you and being with you, it’s made him happier than I’ve ever seen him. It’s not fair that you guys are getting so little time together. But I honestly think that if you waste it like this, you’ll regret it.”

With that, he turned and walked away, leaving her to her thoughts.

---

She took a deep breath and walked into the hospital. She had been standing outside, staring at it for what felt like hours. But she needed to do this. Nick was right. She couldn’t waste this time. Being with Joe, it made her as happy as Nick said it made Joe. He had made her see the world for what it really was, and made her see how ridiculous her own life was, living to be put on some website. That wasn’t what it was about, and it had taken Joe to make her see that. She walked up to his room, and knocked before slowly entering.

He was sleeping. She sighed and went over to him, trying to gnore all the needles and tubes prodding out of him. She took his hand and brought it slowly to her lips, placing a light kiss. He woke up groggily. “Casey?”

“I come to see you, and you’re sleeping,” she tried to smile.

He smirked. “Well you know, if you’re going to bore me, I might sleep again.”

She rolled her eyes and smacked his arm lightly. “You’re an ass.”

“That I am,” he grinned.

She let out a laugh and sat down by his bed, still holding his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He sighed, closing his eyes for a minute. “Because it’s unfair of me to do this to you.”

“You’re right,” she said, and he winced. “It was unfair of you to go around acting like everything was fine when something this big was happening. It was unfair of you to hide this from me and decide what I needed to know. It was unfair of you to let me fall in love with you, while keeping me at arm’s length.”

“Casey, I tried so hard,” he said quietly. “I didn’t want you to have to deal with this. I see what it’s done to my family. I’m sure Nick is a mess right now,” he shook his head. “And I didn’t want that for you too.”

“Don’t you love me?”

“I do,” he sighed. “I really do.”

“Then you’re an ass for trying to protect me from this,” she said. “It shouldn’t have been your decision. I’m a big girl. You should have told me. I could have handled it.”

He chuckled bitterly. “If anyone can, I know it’s you. But don’t you get it, Case? I didn’t want to be the one to cause you this pain. Because I see you and it hurts to know we can’t be together the way I want, forever. I see you and I hate God for taking me away from you. And I don’t want you to feel these things. I don’t want to turn you against everything because of my stupid lack of self-control. I don’t know maybe I should go back to LA, and finally leave you alone.”

“No,” she said quietly. “You don’t get to do this to me. You don’t get to decide what to do with my life. You don’t get to make me fall in love with you, tell me you have 6 months to live, and then disappear.”

“Casey, this would make it easier for you.”

She cringed. “If you go to LA, I will come hunt you down and end your life that much quicker.”

He half smiled. “Case, I can’t really leave you now. I love you too much. But – you understand this, don’t you? I’m going to die. I only have six months. You get that, right?”

She sighed and leaned over, kissing him lightly. “Then we’ll have to give you a lifetime of memories in that time.” She smiles and kissed him again.”