If Only He Knew
If Only He Knew
You feel your chest tightening as your breathing becomes erratic. All this from just the memory, the memory of that skin as he leaned forward, how it glinted so perfectly in that pale moonlight as his ebony hair ran across his jaw line the perfect contrast. The darkness of it just accentuating the beauty of his ivory skin as he pressed his lips against yours, supple, luscious lips so tender because he knew that you might be scared, knew you’d never touched another man in that way before. Frank he wanted everything to feel right, He hadn’t wanted that kiss to happen there he had wanted it to be perfect but not for himself for you.
The look of shock on your face that he mistook for hate, he thought you didn’t want him. But if he only knew right? Knew that you had dreamt about him those deep hazel orbs and those soft lips. You wanted him you yearned for him, Frank. And that night when you’d been so upset just him being next you made things seem altogether more bright more bearable and you looked at him with those innocent eyes of yours, you didn’t know what effect they had on him, you cried on his shoulder and he embraced you. Whispered “Frankie it’s okay” even when he knew thing were not okay and they might never be okay again but you needed to hear that it was fine so he lied to you. Because that’s what he did best he made you feel better, every action he thought out carefully so as not to upset you. Every action expect that kiss he analysed so as not to hurt you, he kept back the words he wanted to say, to protect you.
But then you looked at him like that just begging to be cared for and he couldn’t resist the way your lip trembled every so slightly. Then that look you gave him it sent fear down his spine so he ran and you were too shocked to call out to him until it was to late “Gee..” you screamed it as loud as you could but he had run to far away and couldn’t hear you anymore, even if he could he wouldn’t have turned around he was to worried of what you would say, afraid you would never speak to him again because now you knew the secret he’s tried so hard to keep hidden. A piece of him seemed to die in those moments after you looked at him that way his mind twisted it more and he thought to himself how stupid he was to kiss, so idiotic how could you ever feel the same way about him, if only he knew.
You watch him now lying in that hospital bed, and you blame yourself because if you had just kissed him back like you wanted to then he wouldn’t be here, neither of you would. He wouldn’t have that IV in his arm, you know how much he hates needles and if it wasn’t keeping him alive you would rip it from his arm. You run your fingertips along the scars that run vertically along his arm right on the vein, it kills all the theories they’d been trying to convince themselves with, They tried to tell you that he had just been cutting and went to deep it was mistake he wouldn’t try to end it all.
Of course you know better, you know Gerard never cut in the first place his skin had never been marred by the scars of razors. Not even now were they, he’d done this with glass you knew from the jagged way the blood flowed before they even told you that he’s been found in the bathroom the mirror smashed and a piece of glass by his bloody hand. Not matter what they told you, you knew that it was your fault.
The doctors don’t want you to stay with him, they want you to stick the visiting hours but you refuse and you haven’t left his bedside in three days because you have to be there when he wakes up, you wouldn’t let him wake up alone in such a sterile room. You stroke his hair lightly whispering to him, reminding him of happy times you’d spent together for the first day when that doesn’t wake him you start to tell him about the moment you fell in love with him, you tell him through tears that nearly choke you that you wished more than anything you’d kissed him back. You will next time you tell, you’ll kiss him next time because he’s everything and if he gives up then you will too. You see his eyes flutter and think he’s waking up but he doesn’t and it makes you cry because the darkest side of you keeps whispering that he won’t wake up ever again, keeps telling you that you’ve killed him.
Then suddenly while you hold his hand lightly you feel him squeeze your hand and he shakes and the monitor starts to jump, doctor push you away from him and tell you to go outside but you won’t leave, the monitor begins to beat regularly he’s waking up he’s alive. You push the doctors away so he can see you and he smiles at you weakly as he doesn’t the strength to do anything else.
“I’m so sorry Gee” you whisper in his ear after the doctor after left. It’s painful for him but he lifts his hand to your face and caresses it.
“Frankie” his voice is so weak you feel the tear form in your eyes again, it’s your fault the dark little voice whispers.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry” you say it over and over again until he shushes you. Looking deep into your eyes he says that he’s sorry that he never should have kissed you.
Now it’s your turn to shush him, and you tell him all over again, now that he can hear and understand you, you tell him how much you love him and you even tell him about the dreams you’ve had about him the embarrassing ones that had you wake up with sticky sheets. He smiles and laughs shocked by what you are saying to him, and falling in love with you even more each second.
“I love you” you tell him and this time you kiss him, you kiss his cold lips and feel them warm against your own you allow his tongue entrance to your mouth and moan softly into his. This is everything you’ve wanted and you take his hand tighter in yours
“I love you too” he smiles again. “Frankie it will be okay.” He says and this time he’s not lying,
it will be okay because you love each other and you have each other. Even if something bad happens to you again he’ll be there like he always has been, this time he won’t run, and he won’t hurt himself because you’ll be there for him as well.
He knows that now… now he knows
The look of shock on your face that he mistook for hate, he thought you didn’t want him. But if he only knew right? Knew that you had dreamt about him those deep hazel orbs and those soft lips. You wanted him you yearned for him, Frank. And that night when you’d been so upset just him being next you made things seem altogether more bright more bearable and you looked at him with those innocent eyes of yours, you didn’t know what effect they had on him, you cried on his shoulder and he embraced you. Whispered “Frankie it’s okay” even when he knew thing were not okay and they might never be okay again but you needed to hear that it was fine so he lied to you. Because that’s what he did best he made you feel better, every action he thought out carefully so as not to upset you. Every action expect that kiss he analysed so as not to hurt you, he kept back the words he wanted to say, to protect you.
But then you looked at him like that just begging to be cared for and he couldn’t resist the way your lip trembled every so slightly. Then that look you gave him it sent fear down his spine so he ran and you were too shocked to call out to him until it was to late “Gee..” you screamed it as loud as you could but he had run to far away and couldn’t hear you anymore, even if he could he wouldn’t have turned around he was to worried of what you would say, afraid you would never speak to him again because now you knew the secret he’s tried so hard to keep hidden. A piece of him seemed to die in those moments after you looked at him that way his mind twisted it more and he thought to himself how stupid he was to kiss, so idiotic how could you ever feel the same way about him, if only he knew.
You watch him now lying in that hospital bed, and you blame yourself because if you had just kissed him back like you wanted to then he wouldn’t be here, neither of you would. He wouldn’t have that IV in his arm, you know how much he hates needles and if it wasn’t keeping him alive you would rip it from his arm. You run your fingertips along the scars that run vertically along his arm right on the vein, it kills all the theories they’d been trying to convince themselves with, They tried to tell you that he had just been cutting and went to deep it was mistake he wouldn’t try to end it all.
Of course you know better, you know Gerard never cut in the first place his skin had never been marred by the scars of razors. Not even now were they, he’d done this with glass you knew from the jagged way the blood flowed before they even told you that he’s been found in the bathroom the mirror smashed and a piece of glass by his bloody hand. Not matter what they told you, you knew that it was your fault.
The doctors don’t want you to stay with him, they want you to stick the visiting hours but you refuse and you haven’t left his bedside in three days because you have to be there when he wakes up, you wouldn’t let him wake up alone in such a sterile room. You stroke his hair lightly whispering to him, reminding him of happy times you’d spent together for the first day when that doesn’t wake him you start to tell him about the moment you fell in love with him, you tell him through tears that nearly choke you that you wished more than anything you’d kissed him back. You will next time you tell, you’ll kiss him next time because he’s everything and if he gives up then you will too. You see his eyes flutter and think he’s waking up but he doesn’t and it makes you cry because the darkest side of you keeps whispering that he won’t wake up ever again, keeps telling you that you’ve killed him.
Then suddenly while you hold his hand lightly you feel him squeeze your hand and he shakes and the monitor starts to jump, doctor push you away from him and tell you to go outside but you won’t leave, the monitor begins to beat regularly he’s waking up he’s alive. You push the doctors away so he can see you and he smiles at you weakly as he doesn’t the strength to do anything else.
“I’m so sorry Gee” you whisper in his ear after the doctor after left. It’s painful for him but he lifts his hand to your face and caresses it.
“Frankie” his voice is so weak you feel the tear form in your eyes again, it’s your fault the dark little voice whispers.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry” you say it over and over again until he shushes you. Looking deep into your eyes he says that he’s sorry that he never should have kissed you.
Now it’s your turn to shush him, and you tell him all over again, now that he can hear and understand you, you tell him how much you love him and you even tell him about the dreams you’ve had about him the embarrassing ones that had you wake up with sticky sheets. He smiles and laughs shocked by what you are saying to him, and falling in love with you even more each second.
“I love you” you tell him and this time you kiss him, you kiss his cold lips and feel them warm against your own you allow his tongue entrance to your mouth and moan softly into his. This is everything you’ve wanted and you take his hand tighter in yours
“I love you too” he smiles again. “Frankie it will be okay.” He says and this time he’s not lying,
it will be okay because you love each other and you have each other. Even if something bad happens to you again he’ll be there like he always has been, this time he won’t run, and he won’t hurt himself because you’ll be there for him as well.
He knows that now… now he knows