I Don't Want To Want Him

“Vivien?!”

I cringed at the mere call of my name coming from my boss, it was never a good thing when Max was that eager to speak with you. I hunched in my swivel desk chair, my eyes darted over to my coworker Dee, we grinned when we caught each other’s eye. Max hustled into our small office, he looked pretty worked-up but considering his weight it didn’t take much for Max to look worked-up.

“Vivien, Dee, I have delightful news!” he exclaimed, his face growing redder by the second with over-excitement, I was truly starting to become worried the man would have a heart attack. Dee and I remained in our seats, blank stares on each our faces as we waited for the big news.

“Green Day!” he shouted, “They’re coming here, they want us to design their new look for their new album!” I try to look surprised and excited, but the feeling just wasn’t there. Big whoop, Green Day were some pop group, why couldn’t we ever design a look for someone like David Bowie. Did he still perform anyway? Regardless, Green Day were for teenagers, I was pushing thirty here.

“Sweet!” Dee said, I looked over at him and he actually looked genuinely happy about this. I finally managed to curl my lips up into a weak smile, Max didn’t favor a bad attitude. Trust me, when it comes to bonuses you want to be favored by Max.

“That’s the spirit, Dee! Alright you too, I want you to start brainstorming, their manager said over the phone that they’re not sure what they want exactly but they’ve seen some of our stuff and they love it. Obviously lean towards your classic Goth colors like black and red, I think they go for that kind of thing,” Max instructed us. Then, without another word, he exited the room leaving us in silence.

Goth, Green Day were not Goth, and red and black, wasn’t that getting kind of old? I sighed heavily and went back to staring blankly at my computer, Dee snickered. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, “What?” I asked.

Dee shook his head, “Gee, Viv, cheer-up. This is a big time band and a big time opportunity for us, this could really get us some publicity. Our name could be everywhere because of this, rock bands from all around would travel to us to get a custom look. Think of the bonuses we’d get.”

“I know, but Green Day, come on. How about a worthwhile artist, like I don’t know, Leonard Cohen or somebody like him.”

“Leonard Cohen already looks great without our help, plus, I don’t think we’re his kind of style,” Dee argued. I couldn’t really disagree, Leonard Cohen was classic and always in a suit, we designed for a more gritty, punk, rock n roll customer. I just couldn’t see Cohen in a studded belt.

“So they’re coming today?” I wondered aloud.

“Sounds that way, they sure wanna get the ball rolling, huh?”

“Impatient, overachiever assholes,” I groan, realizing I hardly had time to research the band that I’d have to design clothes for. How was I supposed to know what these guys liked, I barely knew any of their songs, or what they looked like. I’d heard rumors that they like eyeliner, what’s punk about men wearing makeup I have no clue.

“How many people are in the band,” I ask Dee, he seems to know a bit more about them. He looks up across at me, the expression on his face reads as though he’s working with a complete psycho with three eyes.

“You are kidding, correct?” he says.

I roll my eyes, “No, Dee, sorry I don’t listen to Green Day like every other thirteen-year-old,” I said.

“They are not a kid band!” Dee defended the band, “And there are three members in the band, Billie Joe Armstrong is the-”

“Okay, thanks Dee, I don’t need all the details,” I interrupted before he began to babble on and on. I could care less what their names were, to me they were just more work and another nice paycheck.

Soon after we both fell silent to our own ideas and sketches of possible designs the three rock stars might be interested in. Dee seemed to be so with it, he knew who they were after all. I on the other hand was having a bit of a hard time, I didn’t know what their new album was going to be like, how could I design their inspired outfits if I didn’t know what the music was about. I cradled my head in my hands, I had a feeling Dee was going to be their favorite, not that I cared if they liked him, but the part I did care about was that the favorite got the nicest paycheck.

I figured I could take a shot and so I gambled with my luck. Green Day sounded like a pot-head band, but I’m sure with all of them being grown men they didn’t want to look like one. I’d seen a poster for their last album, American Idiot, and was aware that their previous theme colors had been mainly red and black, as Max had said, but why would they want to go for that same old, tired look again? Wasn’t a new album like a fresh start in a way, wasn’t it about moving forward instead of moving back or staying in the same comfortable spot? Punk was about spreading your wings and soaring out into all kinds of weather, if nobody liked it fuck them. They couldn’t release a new album and bring along the old style from four, five years ago, it wouldn’t make sense to anybody.

“They’re here!” Max hurried in, he looked damn nervous too. He was straightening his tie, breathing deep, trying too hard not to sweat. I don’t know why he was so worried, it was Dee and I who’d have to sell ourselves to these people, and either way Max got a hefty check when it was all over.

“Shit,” I spat under my breath, I’d hardly pulled anything together. I had my main idea, but my sketches weren’t exactly viewer-friendly. I looked over at Dee, he was sitting back in his chair grinning at me, he already knew he’d gotten the job for lead designer just like I already knew I was gonna be his bitch for the coming weeks. Dee and I were good friends, but here at work competition ran high, every man was for himself; it was survival of the fittest.

The manager of the band came in first, he and Max shook hands, the man introducing himself as Bill Schnieder. The band followed in shortly after, all shaking hands with Max, their heads swiveling around like bobble-head toys. When each of their eyes met mine I felt like the tiny kitten while I knew Dee was feeling like the superior cougar. Dee was more them, he was a fan of theirs after all, and I was totally out of the picture. All be damned though if I was going down without a fight, Dee was a bachelor with a brand new car, I was a struggling single mom, I needed the cash more than he did and so did my daughter.

“Bill, Billie Joe, Mike, and Tre,” Max said, and I couldn’t help but think these guys were the modern day three stooges, “These are my two designers, Dee Parson and Vivien DeLuca. They are the ones who’ve designed some of the styles out there that you’re interested in.”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you guys, I’m a huge fan,” Dee piped up. Suck-up, I thought. I just smiled and nodded in greeting, I was not going to kiss ass.

“Well, why don’t we move to the conference room where we can sit down and relax as we go through some ideas,” Max suggested. Dee and I stood and followed Max, the band and their manager into the conference room where we all sat around a large, wooden table in comfy leather chairs. Max, Dee and I sat on one side and the Green Day clan on the other. I could feel my chest tighten, my heartbeat race, I knew I didn’t stand a chance against Dee, but I did really want and need this.

“Well first off, let’s start with what you guys had in mind, what did you want?” Max questioned the band.

The three members stayed quiet a moment, thinking of how to explain, finally one of them, the lead singer I suspected, spoke up, “We wanted to go for something different from what we did on the American Idiot tour, go for a different style considering it’s a new album.”

“Right, of course,” Max said, Dee nodded right along like he had a clear vision in mind. I just stared at the singer blankly, all-in-all he hadn’t said anything really, there was no detail, nothing specific.

“Like how about color-wise, do you want to stick with the same color palette of red and black or are you up to new colors?” I asked him, Max and Dee both looked over at me in surprise, I usually wasn’t one to really speak directly to any band or artist.

“New colors would be refreshing I think,” the singer said, his green eyes looking at me intently, as though he could see right through me. I tried to ignore that and looked to each of them, the other two were nodding in agreement to what he had said. Finally my eyes met his again, “But I don’t think we want to completely lose all our black, it is my favorite color after all,” he smirked.

I nodded and jotted down a few notes, “So maybe just use the colors whether they be the same red and black in just a different way, a different style that’s more relevant to the new album?” I questioned him, I knew I sounded pretty smart at least compared to the so-far silent Dee.

“Yeah, yeah exactly,” the singer, I must admit I forgot his name, confirmed.

“Okay, so I’ve asked both Dee and Vivien to create sketches and ideas, would you guys like to hear them?” Max asked, I could tell he didn’t like me asking the questions, in my opinion Max was sexist. The band nodded that they would and so the competition began, it was a fight to see who could sell their soul the fastest. Money was the only thing on both Dee’s and my mind.

“Dee, why don’t you go first,” Max suggested. I knew it, I always go second.

“Sure,” Dee said, and I could hear in his voice the sly smile, he knew I was silently cursing him out at this moment. “Well my designs were inspired by the cover art for the new album, but mainly by the messages of the songs as well. I’ve been reading up on the new context of the songs such as “March of the Dogs” and how it’s all about religion and following the rules just because somebody is telling you to. So I was thinking about maybe doing this whole black and white theme, you know like, black and white, right and wrong. It’s a strict line, like, there is no in between. You see what I mean?”

Fuck that was pretty good, I thought. All I could hope was that at least one of them would say ‘No, I have no fucking idea what you’re saying, Dee.’

“Yeah, I think I get it,” the singer said, I cursed him under my breath. I looked to the other two, the taller one seemed to have a distant look in his eyes, though he was nodding, and the other was smirking at me, his eyes moving up and down from my eyes to my chest. Well maybe if I slept with him I’d get lead design, that was one hope I still had. But I didn’t know, the singer was the only one who seemed to be able to talk, for all I knew the other two were mutes, and the manager wasn’t reacting to anything at all so I don’t even know why he bothered to come.

“It’s an interesting idea,” a different band member spoke up, the tall one. Damn, I guess he wasn’t mute after all. Though ‘interesting’ didn’t say much about what he actually thought, ‘interesting’ could go both ways.

“Alright, Vivien, you want to present your idea?” Max said.

“Yeah, okay. Well..here’s what I was thinking about, and I’m going to be completely honest when I say I had a hard time coming up with a design when I didn’t have the music from the new album to inspire me or tell me what it was going to be about, I’m not really up on you guys like Dee is. But I did happen to read a snippet from some interview about where you guys or just a few of you attended a confirmation of a friend’s son, and how you didn’t agree with the organized religion thing and what the priest was saying. Well, I had an idea that’s more on the theatrical side I suppose, that the lead singer would be in like a priest suit, and the other two like more alter-boyish, not wearing like robes or anything. So it wouldn’t be a traditional priest uniform, nor would it be fully geared towards religion, it would be..priestly punk? I don’t know if that really explains it,” I finish, unresolved with my own design which is never a good way to finish selling your idea. I knew I sounded a bit unclear and like I was still putting the pieces together, but I hoped they got at least some part of it.

“You think alter boys are sexy?” the one who’d been eyeing me before said. I look up from my sketches at him, he’s smirking at me as are all three of them.

“I wouldn’t call them sexy, but I mean who doesn’t have fantasies about a hot priest, especially when it’s a sin and all,” I said, not believing the words were actually coming from my lips.

“I like that idea, being a punk, rock n roll priest, that’s pretty cool. I definitely see what you’re saying, I mean I get your concept and all, I like it a lot,” the singer said. I smiled and nodded, if the singer likes it then it’s sold, after all the singer seemed to be in charge.

“Yeah, I really like that idea to, it’s really vivid in my mind. I can totally see ourselves on stage like that, especially Billie as a priest,” the tall one chimed in, all four of the Green Day clan chuckled. I grinned, mostly because I was starting to feel like they wanted me, not Dee.

“I do fantasize about nuns, hot nuns, not old nuns,” the other one with the eyes for me blurted out, and in any other conversation it would have seemed very random. Again chuckles filled the conference room.

“So, would you like to continue on with Vivien’s idea or would you like to think on it more, something else may come to you,” Max said, I knew he didn’t really want me to have lead designer, mainly because this was such a popular band and once the band appeared in their new look it would mostly be my name that would get out. A woman didn’t deserve such fame, or so he thought.

“No, let’s go with Viv’s idea, I’m thinking it’s a keeper,” the singer said, his green eyes sparkling into mine once again.