I Don't Want To Want Him

I was dead tired by the end of the day, yet the fact that I got lead designer instead of Dee gave me the strength to keep a smirk on my face. Not only was this going to save me big time with my bills, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that this could be my opportunity to spread out on my own and maybe even start my own label. Perhaps I was getting ahead of myself, then again I could dream a little.

I shut down my computer and locked my desk. I said my goodbye to an unusually quiet and somber Dee before exiting the building and making my way to my beat-up 1994 red Camry. I hated this car, but the sight of it made me smile today with the thought in mind that maybe I could get rid of it soon and get a brand new one. I stepped in, shutting the door behind me, and turned the key, the radio coming on practically full blast to my favorite rock station. I put down all the windows letting in the spring air, it had reached 70 degrees. Today just couldn’t get much better, I thought.

I sped down the highway, my destination was my daughter’s school. It was Friday and once a week, every Friday, I’d pick her up and we’d go out to dinner anywhere she pleased. It was a treat for us to eat out really, it was something we couldn’t afford to do all the time, but that being the case it made it that much more special and gave us both something to look forward to.

My daughter Dianne was five, very shy with almost everyone, and looked exactly like her father with long, straight brown hair and pretty chocolate eyes. Her father was an ex of mine who had hit the road the day after I’d told him I was pregnant, I never expected him to be thrilled about the news but I hadn’t planned on him not being there at all. I couldn’t even track the bastard down to pay child support. I didn’t need him though and I didn’t want to need him. Dianne and I had gotten by just fine on our own, with great emotional help from my mother as well, and didn’t need a man to lean on.

I turned my right blinker on as I approached the turn for her school parking lot, I slowed the car down and just as I was about to make the turn my whole car rocked. It wasn’t a hard hit, just a fender bender really, but the jutting motion made my heart race and my hands shake with nerves. Damn, this wasn’t my fault but with my luck when it comes to these kinds of things the driver who’d hit me from behind would probably find a way to pin the blame on me.

I pulled over to the side of the road, parked, and turned the car off. I opened my car door and stepped out, moving down to the end of my car where the other driver had hit me. I heard their door open, I turned to face them. My mouth fell agape a little and my eyes widened with shock when I saw who it was. I am cursed, I always knew I was cursed. It was none other than the singer from the band that I had just met that afternoon, the one that had said my design for their new style was a keeper. Great, just fucking great, now my client is probably going to change his mind about me and pick Dee. It may not be my fault he hit me, but I’m sure this was putting a damper on his Friday afternoon as it was mine.

“What are the fucking coincidences?” he said, his eyes looking right into mine, “Viv, I’m sorry, I don’t even know what happened,” he apologized, and I could tell he was sincere.

Wanting to stay on this guy’s good side, technically you could say I lowered myself to kiss ass, I smiled and shook my head, “It’s okay, I mean it’s not like we got hurt or anything.”

“Yeah, thank god,” he replied, he reached out to hold my hands in his, it wasn’t until I looked down that I realized they were trembling and shaking so. I blushed with embarrassment, for godsake it was only a damn fender bender, get a hold of yourself Viv. I looked up at him, he was just a couple inches taller than me, he was smiling so sweetly and sympathetically at me, “Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked me softly, there was so little distance between us at this moment.

I pulled my hands away from his and stepped back a little, “Yeah, yeah really, I’m good. I guess I just haven’t had an accident in a long while, you know,” I said, he nodded.

“Hey, look, don’t worry about the damage, okay? I’m going to take care of it right away,” he assured me, and I had no doubt that he meant every word. He looked so damn upset and embarrassed himself that I felt bad for him, but he had money to take care of things like this and I didn’t.

“Yeah, okay,” I said, trying to widen my smile, though my thoughts had turned to my daughter. She was probably wondering if I’d forgotten her.

“Hey, look, I have to pick up my kid from school, I know we have to call the police and stuff but can I just go get her real quick?” I ask, the school was right there and I could see that the kids were just getting let out.

“Oh yeah, go ‘head, I’ll call them and wait right here,” he said as he pulled out his cell phone. I nodded and walked at a quick pace up to the school entrance, there was my girl walking beside one of her friends, her pink backpack peeking out from behind her. When she saw me she broke away from the other little girl and made a beeline right to me.

“Hi, Mom, let’s get out of here,” she said, she took my hand and led me away from her school towards the parking lot.

“Hey, honey, how was your day?” I asked, I looked down at her smiling, my fingers brushing through her hair.

“Fine, we didn’t really do much, just watched a lot of movies,” she replied. I rolled my eyes at this, I was paying a hefty bill for her education and all she was doing was watching movies? Sounds like I could be a teacher myself if all I had to do was pop in a damn video for the kids. Interrupting my thoughts my daughter looked up at me and said, “Mom, where is your car?”

“Dina, Mommy just got in a car accident, I’m parked right over by the parking lot entrance. We could be here a little while because I have to talk to the police, okay?” I told her, I had stopped walking to explain this to her.

“Can we still go out and eat? I want to go to Taco Haven,” she said, worry apparent in her brown eyes and small voice.

I chuckled slightly, “Sure we can, I just have to take care of this first.”

“Okay, that’s fine, as long as we can go to Taco Haven.”

We walked together over to my car, the singer was sitting on his hood waiting patiently. There were no cops in sight, “Not here yet, huh?” I called to him as Dina and I approached.

He snapped out of his daze to looked in our direction, smiling when his eyes found my daughter, he looked back up at me, “Nope, they’re taking their time.”

“Dina, honey, this is..” Shit! Why would I introduce them when I didn’t even remember this guy’s name? I’m sure me not having a clue of his name would make a good impression on where we stood at work–I’m being sarcastic here.

“I’m Billie Joe,” he finished, not seeming ticked off at the least as he hopped off the hood of his car and squatted to greet my daughter at her level. He stuck out his hand but Dina just moved further away from him, hiding behind my legs as though she was a two-year-old.

“Dianne, now you be polite, you’re too old for that kind of behavior,” I told her.

“Oh, it’s okay, I was the same way when I was your age,” he said to her as she peeked out at him, her eyes looking at him suspiciously. He stood back up and smiled at me, “She looks just like you,” he told me.

I shook my head, “She looks like her father.”

“I don’t know about that, all I can see is you,” he said, and I had to smile even though I knew he was just trying to be nice.

“Dina, it’s not safe here near the road, why don’t you get in the car, okay?” I told her, looking down and behind me to see her. She looked from me to Billie Joe then back to me before nodding at my request and getting into the back of my car.

“Cute kid,” he said.

“Yeah, she’s great.”

“I always wanted kids,” he said, and I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d tell me, his fashion designer-to-be, something so personal, “Just never found the right woman.”

I shrug, “I didn’t have to find the right guy to have her,” I told him, “But I guess you want me to tell you that she’s out there anyway, right? That there’s somebody out there that’s perfect for somebody else.”

“It’s nice to think about, corny as hell I know, but still,” he said, looking at me with a sheepish smile. I realized then that this guy was no tough, hardcore punk rocker, he was instead a big softie.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I agreed, though I had my own doubts about finding Mr. Right.

“Do you believe it?” he asked.

I looked at the oncoming police car instead of at him, for some reason my stomach was beginning to feel funny, sickly, and my cheeks were getting hot, “Love’s a hard thing to believe in when it doesn’t believe in you,” I replied softly, my words as honest as the tears beginning to well up in my eyes.