In All This Chaos

After I finished setting up the merch, there was now a few minutes left before the show tonight started and I couldn’t get Justin’s speech out of my mind all day. That was exactly what I needed to hear and I needed to do what he said. It was the cold hard truth and it was making me feel guilty now that I’ve been dragging my friends along with us. I needed to talk to John about the situation and for my own sake I needed to straighten out my feelings for Eric. If there are any feelings that is.

I walked towards the backstage area and looked for the room the guys were all in. I didn’t bothering knocking when I walked in then quietly shut the door. I don’t know why, since no one would be sleeping, I just did it hoping no one would hear.

“Jasey!” Pat said out loud as I turned around to face them. I smiled and waved at him.

“What’s up? Do you need any help with merch or?” Garrett asked walking over to me worriedly.

I shook my head and replied: “No, no. I got that all down.”

“Oh, okay so, not to be rude, but did you need anything? Money?” Garrett asked jokingly at the end.

“No! What kind of sister do you take me for, Gare?” I asked nudging him and using the same jokingly tone back at him. He chuckled lightly and shook his head, walking back over to the couch. “I just came here to talk…” I started, looking down at my hands, and when I looked up all the guys were staring at me as I added on the last bit of my sentence awkwardly. “to John.”

I diverted my eyes over to John’s figure sitting on the couch next to Garrett. He had a surprised look on his face and I knew he would. In fact, almost everyone in the room had a shocked expression written all over their faces. They probably would never have thought to see the day that I was finally going to talk to John and be civilized towards him.

John looked over to his right and stared at Garrett confused. Garrett made a face and shrugged. John seemed a bit afraid and unsure, but nodded. “Okay, we can talk.”

“Alone.” I stated. I thought it’d be obvious that I wanted to speak alone. I probably failed to mention that Justin was in the room, but luckily for me Eric wasn’t. There would be some major tension if he was here. Justin shot me a look that said he was “proud” of me for stepping up and wanting to talk it out with John. I mentally rolled my eyes and turned back around to open the door. As soon as I stepped out I saw John right behind me. When I looked back up he was standing way too close to me I had to step back to create a good amount of distance between us.

“Let’s go somewhere more private?”

“The bus.” John answered and I agreed.

John and I made our way into the back part of the bus and he sat down as I just stood there leaning on the sliding door frame. A couple of minutes passed by and neither of us had said a word. I didn’t get it. He spent months trying to get me alone and talk with him and he is just sitting there staring at my shoes, not even looking at me in the eyes. I had my arms crossed and as soon as I couldn’t take the silence anymore I sighed and spoke up.

“You can start.”

He finally looked up at me. “Start on what?”

“On why you cheated on me.” I scoffed.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, if you ever want things between us to be alright, then I suggest you start explaining to me why you decided to cheat on me in the first place. So, I can at least know what it was that I did wrong and not make the same mistake in the next relationship I have-”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He said cutting me off.

With his answer it made me frustrated. If I hadn‘t done anything wrong then why did he cheat on me? I wanted to just hit him or something, but if I wanted to at least settle things between us I would have to be civil. “Then you really need to start talking.”

“Okay. Well, I really didn’t mean to cheat on you.” He started and looked at me. I just rolled my eyes and shook my head because that was what they all said. “No, look. I-I was just-I really missed you during tour…”

“You went on tour loads of times before that tour.”

“…but I-I don‘t know. Something felt different that summer.”

“What?”

“You just graduated and the guys and I were on our first real tour around the country. You and I always talked about what we would do after school and I told you how I was going to tour and you were okay with that. You said you’d stick around and go to a local college, but you were highly considering that you’d be better off somewhere else.”

“I can recall all that and look where I am today. I’m still in Arizona. So what’s your point?” I asked getting a bit impatient now.

“I was just afraid of coming home to you and then watching you leave soon after. I was picturing my life without you and how tour would be like without you to come home to. Laura was your friend and I talked to her about this. Then I guess we just started sneaking around during tour. I got lonley at the thought of all this.”

I do remember telling John that I had considered other colleges around the US and that staying in Arizona wasn’t one of the best decisions, but it was okay to anyways. So, I assume that he would think that I’d tell him I’d be leaving? Either way, that was no excuse to cheat on me, right? It’s plain stupid.

When he mentioned sneaking around with Laura during tour, I had to know if they actually had done anything other than swap spit. It was awkward asking, but what was there left to lose? Certainly not what John thinks of me anymore.

“…did you two…you know?” I asked looking back down.

“Oh, no!” He exclaimed and I just nodded. “I had some sense left in me, but not enough, I guess.”

I didn’t know what else I wanted to say. He told me his reason. He did it out of lonliness, but that could’ve been resolved if he just talked to me.

“You know, you could’ve told me about it rather than going to Laura.”

“I know that now. I was just afraid of what you’d say if you did decide to go away when we came back.”

“John, I loved you.” I admitted and I meant to say love in the pastense form, but I didn't except to see that hurt expression on his face after I said that.

“I’m really sorry I hurt you, Jasey. I love you.”

We stood there yet again not saying another word to each other. I never knew how awkward that sounded now coming from him. Maybe because we weren’t together and I was actually trying to get over him. I knew I loved him, there was something blocking the both of us.

“I- I guess I can forgive you.” I finally said. I figured we should get past this all. He gave me his explanation. He had acted on his emotions.

“Really?” He asked with wide eyes, not believing what I just said.

“Yeah.”

“So we’re friends?”

“Yeah, we’re friends now.” I said putting a small smile on.