Fake Smiles Shatter The Feeling Of Emptiness

Brendon’s Point Of View

Is it wrong that I’m lying here with my eyes shut tight wishing everyone would just disappear from my life? I was just in a car crash is that not a good enough wake up call, I mean what if I had died, who would have even cared. What’s all Ryan is concerned about is William’s new boyfriend not his who is laid in a hospital bed feeling like death warmed up. But I don’t matter, even though I changed for Ryan I will never be the Brendon he fell in love with. I lost who I really was and I am never coming back but with Ryan being so stubborn he would never accept that.

“So I guess I’m asking you to marry me even though you’re fast asleep and can’t hear a word I’m saying...”

I heard him alright, marriage Jesus.

Does he think by sticking an overly expensive ring on my finger, everything will be fine because what’s all I see are arguments and a sparkling divorce in our future? Marriage is a huge step I’m defiantly not ready to take that’s why I’m trying to look out of it as possible I don’t want to hurt him right now. How do I say no, how do I crumble is heart to pieces nicely? Simple answer, I can’t. He just proposed to me and I pretend not to hear him, what sick monster does that? I always thought about marrying Ryan, him in a crisp black suit with the bright white shirt and coifed hair, me stood their almost in tears from how beautiful he looks. But that was before the obsession kicked in and marriage seemed like a fate worse than death. I feel sick from the thought of commitment, all the eyes drawn to me as I get everything I always wanted. Ryan forever. Mine.

I need to move, twitch my fingers or move my awkward, stiff limbs but I know Ryan is watching me as soon as my eyes flutter open he will be kissing me, showering me in apologies and I’ll have to restrain myself from screaming at him. So I’m going to lay here and listen to the argument predicted to happen right now, Jon and Ryan in the same room Christ somebody help me. So much for being in a hospital, arguments are always better when you’re in a place people are dying. Do they have no respect at all?

“Your dating Jon and you ask me what the fuck I’m doing,” Ryan hisses, oh Ryan your language is getting terrible. Boy has he really come out of his shell and not in a good way. Oh I hope he doesn’t get himself into trouble, my little rebel the joy.

“Just calm down Ryan, you’re going to wake Brendon,” William mutters quietly, wake me; oh I supposed to be asleep. I should open my eyes draw Ryan’s attention away from the heated debate brewing. The truth is I don’t want to see his face, cue the tears when his chocolate button eyes connect with mind.

“Calm down! Do you know what Jon did to me, Brendon nearly finished with me because of him! William I care about you don’t be with Jon he is not good for you,” this time Ryan sounds hurt and I don’t like it, I feel the limp grasp on my hand tighten and nearly jump from the shock. Bloody hell Ryan cut my circulation why don’t you! He sounds more childlike now, I just want to wrap him up in a blanket and let him sit on my lap whilst I rock him back and forth. I swear if William causes him pain...

“Jon’s not good for me! Have you taken a look at your boyfriend; he abused you Ryan don’t tell me that makes him the perfect person you think he is. I’m guessing that’s why you nearly just got him killed, I wouldn’t blame you...”

“Shut the hell up!” I rage, oh shit.

“Brendon you’re awake,” Ryan says flatly, I don’t even look at him the intense glare between me and William is too intense, Jon looks at Ryan smirking slightly when Ryan starts to nudge me in embarrassment. There is no way I’m letting him get away with this, hospital or no hospital. Ryan cares too much that’s his problem. Cares too much... Maybe that’s why he is still with me. Does he love me or just care for me? This can’t be good.

“William I want you to leave, me and Ryan don’t need this,” I try to say politely but the anger leaking into my veins is horrendous, he doesn’t even like me why come see me in hospital! Ryan looks at me his eyes wide and upset, I try to stay calm but seeing Ryan in such a way is not helping. Jon looks at me, then Ryan and smiles smugly. He has had sex with Ryan and knowing he was inside of my angel is not very pleasant actually the thought of it is making me want to vomit.

“But Jon wants to talk to Ryan, he wouldn’t want our relationship to compromise friendships,” William states, friendships! What friendships Ryan will never talk to William again, you hear me! The grip on my hand is lost and I feel my heart come to a stop. He let go, that can be only one thing. He is considering this, walking away with the two people
who destroyed me from the inside out, how could he.

“Well I need to clear my head anyway, let’s go,” Ryan says softly I look over to him and have to grip onto the hospital bed to control the hurt tearing me apart. He’s leaving me just like when he blatantly left me on our living room floor to die. I’m not William, but Ryan expects me to be everything like him, it’s not fair. Jon smirks and then William scowls at him before bursting into a fit of giggles himself, why do I feel like the outcast all of a sudden. Ryan’s lip twitches and an innocent laugh breaks from his lips, what’s so damn funny!

“See Brendon, Ry will always trust me, always.”

Can you buy trust? I seem to have run out of it and add a new Ryan to the shopping list too...