Always and Forever

“Holly!” Anna yelled walking towards me in the corridor “Party my place, Saturday, seven. Wear something hot, Aaron wants you to!”

I rolled my eyes “I’m not going” I said sharply.

“Whatevs, it’s at seven, you better be there, you have to be there.”

And what would happen if I told you to get lost! “Anna, I’m not going” I said collecting my books and slamming my locker door.

“Okay, I’ll take you shopping for it tonight. I’ll pick you up at six.”

I had found myself becoming more and more resentful of the group. I was nothing there. What happened to me didn’t matter, what I said didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. Have you ever read those little sayings saying ‘Sometimes I wish I was lying in a hospital in a coma in hospital and could see what would happen when the doctor announces that “she won’t make it” just to see who’d care’? My life feels like that most of the time now. I want to know who would be there, who would really be devastated if I was to suddenly leave this world.

“Well done Holly,” Mr. Williams said handing me back my biology test “Keep this up and IVY League might be on the cards.”

I smiled politely and thanked him for his kind words. IVY league, to most people, that would make them burst with excitement and spur them to keep up their marks. For me however, it terrified me. I immediately considered studying less and getting worse grades.

I didn’t want IVY league.

I wanted to move to California, take photos of the beaches, the crowds and the scenery.
I couldn’t imagine myself couped up in lectures and sitting through writing so many essays. Not even the college parties were inviting to me. All I wanted to do was go and live in California. A small apartment or down house, not too far from the beach and nice and close to cafes, I would work in my gallery by day and spend the nights taking photos of the city.
That’s all I want.

I don’t want IVY.

I don’t want to be successful and rich.

I just want to do what I love.

***

I got home that night and of course, received no hello it’s been almost three weeks without speaking to my mother, and she was showing no signs of letting up. I walked over to my Dad’s work shed where he was making a new cabinet for my sister’s room.

“Dad” I said quietly walking inside.

“Holly, what’s up?”

I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel guilty. But I had to do it. I had to get new clothes for Brendon...for Brendon’s party. I knew I was using my dad. I had barely spoken to him in two weeks and now I was asking him for money.

“Hey dad...umm....I was wondering if I could have some money.”

Dad looked up from his work table and pulled out his wallet “How much.”

I stared down at the ground to ashamed to speak to him “A couple of hundred.”

He sighed, pulling open his wallet and handing me a three hundred dollars.

I thanked him and left the shed. There was a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach and it remained there even an hour after when I left with Anna there was that feeling in my stomach. Oh conscience, how I hate you.

***

Turns out Aaron just happened to be there. We wondered around for a few hours browsing through shops Aaron’s arm resting heavily on my shoulder.

“Holly! How does it look?” Anna yelled through the change room.

The jeans she had given me were nice. They were black with white stitching and pink buttons. However, they were a size two, and I was anything but a size two.

“Umm, could you get me the next size up?” I asked shamefully.

“You want a four?”

“Yeah.”

The four ended up fitting perfectly. Well, they were a bit snug but I always buy one size down because jeans always stretch. I ended up buying the jeans, a pink and black hoodie and a few t-shirts.

To be honest, shopping with Anna wasn’t as bad as I had predicted, she was actually an okay person on her own. I still hadn’t managed to convince her to that I couldn’t turn up but I still had the rest of the week to do that.

I said bye and went to get out of the car when Anna pulled me back in “Holly, I know it’s hard when you realise that you fit into a four. But if you keep up with the diet you’ll be thin again in no time.”