Always and Forever

Brendon was cheating on me. It was the only explanation for his behaviour over the past few months.

He was cheating on me.

I repeated it in my head as I drove home unable, but in another way, completely able to understand it.
He wasn’t getting any from me, so he went and got some from someone else. No wonder why he was perfectly fine ‘waiting’ for me, he could just go to whenever he wanted to, to whoever else he was screwing.
Again, here comes another cliché. I though because Brendon didn’t hang around with the normal crowd he wouldn’t be like the rest. But Brendon was an seventeen year old boy, of course he was just like the rest of them. Just because he hung around with a different crowd, wore a leather jacket and seemed to be so caring didn’t mean a thing. He was just like the rest of them.

I wasn’t quite sure how I made it home alive that night. The whole drive home my whole body was trembling. My vision was blurry because of the tears I was trying so hard not to let escape from my eyes.

I would not cry.

I would not cry.

By the time I got home I could barely move. My hand, my arms my whole body was shaking, hurting. I spent what seemed like forever in the car, trying unsuccessfully to calm myself down.

The tears came.

I finally released them and felt the warm fluid rushing down my face. I ran my hands though my hair, screaming, I was sobbing, to the point where I was sobbing. I finally made my way up to my room collapsing on the hard floor. I shouldn’t be falling apart like this but that just made me sob even harder.

I was pathetic.

I was worthless.

I was beginning to ache I couldn’t control my body any longer. I was doubled over on the floor, stomach convulsing. Eventually, I got to the point where there were no tears left inside of me and my cries turned to dry sobs.

I ended up on the bed, my face stuffed into my pillow screaming as loud as I could.

Brendon was going to—Brendon had left me all alone, again. He was the only person, the only thing that kept me going all year. Now, I had nothing.

My phone vibrated inside of my pocket notifying of a message. It was from Brendon. I shouldn’t have opened it in the state I was in but I did anyway.

Sleep well baby
I love you
Bren

Oh crap, it was coming. I managed to make it to the bin just in time before my stomach emptied before me. I was sobbing, choking on my own breath and throwing up all at once. Only, the vomiting didn’t stop for three hours. In the end, I had nothing left to throw up and started throwing up the juices of my stomach before nothing came out at all I just dry reached.

That night I cried so much, I could’ve sworn I fell asleep in a puddle of my tears.

****

Two days after I had sixteen missed calls from Brendon and almost sixty text messages, all of which I ignored.

I was going to get over him.

I walked back upstairs another block of chocolate in hand, the Johnny Depp movie Chocolate on tv in my room. I was disgusting. I hadn’t had a shower in three days, my make up from three nights ago was smeared all over my face, my hair was oily and had gone into horrible curls. I looked as pathetic as I felt.

“Why aren’t you answering my calls?” I jumped, dropping my chocolate on the ground when I saw Brendon sitting crossed legged on my bed. Why did he have to be so gorgeous?

“Go away Brendon” I said avoiding his eyes.

“Why?”

I rolled my eyes “You know why.”

Brendon sighed “Actually, I don’t. Are you okay?”

“Get out Brendon” I hissed venomously.

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on” his cold tone matched mine.

“Then I’ll call the police” I leant over to the bedside table to get my phone.

Brendon jumped off the bed, whacking it out of my reach before leaping across the room and pocketing it. He slammed my bedroom door closed and glared at me “You aren’t fucking calling anyone okay! You’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on!”

He was angry, actually, angry didn’t even sum up the way Brendon was. He was furious. His eyes were wide, his breathing unsteady and his fists were clenched.

It was all my fault.

I had been warned about him, by everyone but I ignored them. I put myself in this danger and now, I had no idea what Brendon was going to do.

Upon realising this my breath picked up. I was terrified. I couldn’t speak, in fact, I was breathing so fast that no air had time to travel down my lungs. I began choking on my own breath.

“Holly? Holly!” the anger in his eyes immediately disappeared and was replaced with fear “Babe are you alright?”

I began to scream, I didn’t even know why; I was beyond all rational thinking. Brendon rushed forward and I jumped away.

“Holly what’s going on up there?” mom’s muffled voice was heard above the commotion and her footsteps became louder as she climbed the stairs.

Brendon quickly locked the door “Holly, please, please baby, please just calm down” Brendon tried to stay calm as he wrapped his arms around me. I tried to push him away but all I wanted right now were his arms. I was crying, hyperventilating and holding onto Brendon for dear life. He lifted me up, placing soft kisses into my neck all while apologising to me. Brendon gave me back my phone and tucked me tightly into the bed “Fuck baby, I’m so sorry I am I am.”

“Holly! Who’s in there?” my mom yelled from outside of my room.
Brendon ignored her and knelt down beside me, placing kisses all over my face, “Holly, babe I’m so so sorry, I shouldn’t have made you angry I-I’m so sorry I-I am.”

“Why are you wasting your time with me?” I asked.

“What?”

“Why don’t you just go off with her? Honestly Brendon, don’t let me hold you back” I turned away from him.

“With who?”

I shrugged from my side of the bed “Whoever you’re with.”

“Holly what’s going-”

“It’s okay mom!” I yelled back.

“Wait a second” Brendon said incredulously “You think there’s someone else”
I just stared at the ground. Brendon laughed quietly and turned my face to his direction. “Why would I want someone else, when I’ve got you?” he stoked my cheek gently.

I shrugged again and Brendon leaned over and tried to kiss me. I turned away
stubbornly “Where do you always go?”

“You don’t have to know” Brendon hissed.

“Yes I do” I would’ve yelled, but I was too tired to even speak “As your girlfriend I should know.”

Brendon laughed bitterly “Not every relationship is like the ones in the movies.”

I rolled my eyes “Go away Brendon.”

“Holly,” Brendon sighed jumping over to the other side of the bed so I was yet again facing him, “You don’t want to know.”

“Actually, I do.”

“You don’t!” Brendon yelled.

“What’s so bad that you can’t tell me?”

He sighed sitting up, putting his head in his hands “Promise you won’t break up with me.”

“Bren, w-what’s going on?”

“Do you promise?” he asked urgently.

“Y-yeah, I promise” I hoped I wasn’t throwing myself too far into the deep end now.

“I-I go see my dad.”

My eyebrows furrowed together “And what’s wrong with that?”

“My dad, my dad’s in prison.”

“Oh.”

Brendon nodded “Yeah, he-he was into fraud a-and drugs.”

I stayed silent, trying to register everything he was telling me.

“Um, he owned a few casino a-and umm, well yeah he ripped off a- a lot of people. I-it w-wasn’t l-like he was struggling b-but there were things he- he couldn’t tell us about, he was addicted to drugs. Ice, cocaine, heroin, whatever he could get his hands on.”

I nodded, it was all I could do. I didn’t know how to take it. My first instinct would be to runaway and hide. I was the type of person to hide from all the bad things in the world and Brendon seemed to be throwing them all in my face.

“He was out, a-all the time a-and when he was home...i-it just wasn’t him” Brendon was choking up and his eyes were beginning to water.

I sat up and pulled him into a hug. For once, I was the one caring for him, not the other way around “Brendon, it’s okay. I-I’m sorry f-for bringing i-it up. You can stop now, I-”

Brendon pulled away from me and quickly shook his head “I’ve come this far haven’t I? I might as well say it all. One day, mom found some, I d-don’t know how much, but some ice in his car. W....when he got home” his voice began to shake again “mom, she – she, c-confronted him. Well, she went off at him and- and and-”

“Brendon, stop, it’s o-”

“And he went off a-at her but he didn’t just yell at her. Sh-she went to the police a-and then they found him out for fraud.”

I pulled him into another warm hug “I am so sorry Brendon.”

He shrugged “Ryan’s dad was the lawyer. That’s how I met him, about four years ago.”

“Does your mom know you still visit your dad?”

Brendon shook his head “Nope. She’d kill me if she found out. But he’s back to normal now, he’d love you” Brendon smiled.

“Is that why you are...the way you are at school.”

Brendon nodded “Less people you talk to the less people you trust the less people that find out”

“But you give people the wrong idea”

He shrugged “I’d rather them think and come up with shit about me than find out what really happened”

I nodded “Anyway,” Brendon smiled “I’m taking you out to dinner on Friday night okay, it’s almost our five month anniversary.”