Always and Forever

“Holly, are you going in today?” Carla yelled from outside of the bedroom.

“Ummm...yeah...I think I’ll go” I said sitting up, still slightly dazed from just waking up.

“Okay, it’s midday already.”

I don’t really know why I went in to be honest because I was only going to be there for one period but still, I pulled myself out of bed and got dressed.

Entering the school grounds it felt as if I was on the road to my death, I knew that that was a dramatic way of describing the situation but that was the way it felt. It felt that my whole year had been leading up to this one moment.

It was an easy decision, the more I thought about it the more I realised that I was complicating it all, Brendon or that group. Brendon or the parties, Brendon or getting drunk, Brendon or those interventions, I had no idea why I kept on questioning my decision.

It was lunchtime once I got to school and my whole year level was in the cafeteria, all there to see my decision. I felt the girl’s eyes on me as I walked into the room. The pressure on me, the heat rising on my cheeks and my shaking hands were all I could think about, if you count that as thinking. I got my lunch which was some unidentifiable green muck and glanced around the cafeteria. There was my group seated in the middle all looking at me expectantly and then there was Brendon. He was seated in the back row of tables picking away aimlessly at his food. He hadn’t noticed me here, he was focused on his food.

I picked up my tray and sighed deeply, it was really now or never.

I wished I could’ve told you that I walked proudly up to my group and told them I was through with them all and walked proudly to sit next to Brendon.

I wish I could’ve told you that I simply walked past them, my head held high and sat with Brendon.

But that would be a lie.

I took small, timid steps towards my table, biting my lip nervously, preparing to sit back with them when all of a sudden; there was a rush of adrenalin through me.

I turned, with my head down and slowly but surely made my way to Brendon’s table; I could feel the girl’s eyes follow me all the way there.

“What are you doing?” Brendon asked sharply as I slid my tray on the table and sat down opposite to him.

“I-I don’t know” I answered truthfully.

“Did they find out?”

I nodded, in a daze, not really registering what was going on around me. Brendon’s eyes darted frantically around the cafeteria which was now abuzz with rumours as to why I was sitting with the school ‘freak’.

“Everyone’s looking at us aren’t they?” I said softly.

“Yeah.”

I ran my hands through my hair “I’m sorry I-I really am I’ll go back if you want be to-”

“Shh” Brendon whispered taking hold of my hand reassuringly “I want you here.”

“Are you sure?”

Brendon smiled “Yep.”

The day was quite the anti climax, the group didn’t say anything to me they just acted like they didn’t know me. I didn’t know whether I was thankful of sad at the reacting, they acted like I had never existed in the group, was I really that worthless to them? But those thoughts were quickly dispelled when I got into biology.

In biology, I’d always sit with Deanna but in fourth period I walked into science with no idea where to sit. Books were immediately placed on spare desks and everyone looked away from me, too ashamed to be near me.

Turns out I had moved from the most hated group in school to the most feared person, some people, such as myself, can’t do anything right.