Care For Me Not, I'll Hurt You Too Much

You walk into another empty house, the door creaking as you gently push it open and slide out your key. You were just walking in, having been at the park nearly all night…alone.

Gerard wasn’t at school today. You didn’t know why, you just knew that he wasn’t there. His missing day went unannounced to you, so it was just as much of a shock to you as the teachers. Of course, this being the start of a new weekend, they all simply ignored it and excused him anyway. But you, you were worried about him. All. Day.

You couldn’t stop wondering where it was that he had gone. It wasn’t like him to just leave without telling you something. He always usually reassured you on what he was doing and told you his plans ahead of time. Of course, you always took to them as if you were uninterested, simply grunting a response, or just nodding and staring blankly at the table in front of you. But this time, this time he was just gone.

You couldn’t help it but to think that there was something horribly wrong with him, and the fact that he wasn’t there to reassure you of his safety made matters even worse. You even seriously considered going to the hospital and checking with the registry nurse to see if a Gerard Way had been admitted recently. It just wasn’t like him at all to simply be gone. He left you all alone.

Of course that was what you had wanted all along: to be left alone. But this just wasn’t right. You wanted him to leave you, but you wanted to know that he would be okay in doing so. You wanted him to be completely content with just dropping you like a bad habit. But now, now there was no word or rumor as to where he was and it unnerved you. To think, the one time you are finally left completely alone, you don’t like it as much as you thought. You hated worrying.

So after school, you went to the park and sat down at your usual swing set. You did consider getting up and walking over to the hospital, but just the thought that he could come at any moment kept you rooted. The entire time, you could feel your anxiety building up more and more than it had been all day. Ever since his seat remained empty in your homeroom and the bell signaled for the change of classes, your anxiety began to flare up. Something just felt wrong.

You hated that feeling, and you couldn’t shake it the entire time you sat at the swing set. You just wanted to wait to see if he would actually show up, offering some explanation of why he wasn’t at school that day. So you waited. Even when the clouds overhead gathered, and a deep chill settled into your bones, freezing your toes to the point of numbness, you waited.

But he never came.

You sat there all evening and well after sunset, but still, no one showed up. The only movement outside, on a cold day like this was when a light breeze ruffled through the trees overhead. But then…nothing.

So you finally decided that it was late enough to go home. After all, if you went home, he did live right next door. You could sit by your window and wait to see some movement inside of his house. Then, when you finally saw him and realized everything was fine, you could finally relax for the weekend. That was all that it took for you to convince yourself that going home was the best option.

However, when you finally did arrive on your street, both houses were just as dark and empty as they were before he moved in. There were no lights on in either house, or no person walking or driving down your deserted street. Sometimes you actually wished that someone would move into your deserted block, just so that you could finally see some life in this part of town again. But no, there was nothing here, and no one inside his house.

It was then that you started to worry even more, thinking Did something happen to him? Did they leave? Are they all alright?

You had never met anyone in his family other than his little brother. Even with all those times that you had passed out or ran over to his house in the night, you never saw his mother or father, and as far as you could tell, Michael was his only sibling. But still, even though you had never met either of his parents, you still worried about them. Worrying about them gave you something to do. It was like a hobby. “Take care of the strangers.”

So when you stepped in front of the houses, and there wasn’t a light on, your anxiety increased nearly tenfold. You couldn’t help the thoughts parading through your mind of car accidents and semi-trucks. You couldn’t stop your knees from shaking at just staring at that house being empty once again. Your memories began attacking you right then, making you see things hardly forgotten. You stood there shaking, but not from the cold….

You didn’t know what to do. You didn’t know what you could do. You wanted to do something to help them, anything at all. You just wanted something to do. You didn’t want to see your life fall apart all over again and be completely helpless. But you didn’t know. You didn’t know what could be done to help. You didn’t even know where they were.

Not again.

Eventually, everything grew to be too much for you. You began hyperventilating in your front yard, just dropping to your hands and knees as the sounds and images flashed through your mind again.

Tires rolling, women screaming, you could practicallyhear their breathing stop as you watched them take her away.

You practically could hear and see everything again. Takeher away. You couldn’t breathe…and just as before…you couldn’t even scream.

You knelt in the frozen grass, your body shaking all over as your hands dug deep into the soil beneath you. You felt dizzy as the world swirled around before your very eyes. You felt as if you were going to throw up right in your front lawn from all the images. Everything was coming back now. This house wasn’t meant to be empty. Not ever.

You tried to get it out. You tried to make it go away. You hunched over in the grass, your knuckles growing white and pulling up the grass buried beneath the soil as you felt the sickly crawl of something up your throat. The tears ran a hot trail down your face as you tried to blink them away, choking on them in your throat. But you still felt the slime crawl slowly into your mouth. You were ready, already kneeling over and coughing and sputtering out everything you could. But nothing came out. Nothing stopped. The only thing that was different now was the horrible retching sound that coughed its way out of your mouth as you dry heaved in your front lawn.

Make this all stop, please!

Everything was fading in and out now, going from black to blacker inside your mind, making you feel dizzier and close your eyes as it all swirled before you. Your elbows buckle, planting your face firmly into the frozen earth and effectively sending a sudden shock through your system at the impact. The cold instantly woke you, allowing you to realize just what the hell it was that you were doing and where you were doing it at.

Stupid! Imagine if anyone saw you out here like this! Imagine ifthey came home and saw you doing this. What would they think?!

You release a deep breath, trying to regain control of your body as you lay there on the ground. Slowly, you push yourself up onto your palms, your arms wobbling and shuddering beneath you at your own weight. You take another breath and shake your head unsteadily, making you sway in your spot.

Your head still feels as if everything around you is spinning wildly, throwing you off balance as you just try to regain your bearings. You feel another tear slide slowly down your cheek, the only solid thing in your world at the moment. The only thing you could do for the dizziness was to wait for it to slow and eventually settle as you swayed unsteadily in the grass.

You don’t want this to happen. It’s just too much.

Your breathing was still ragged, making you feel as if you had just run a marathon to make it home. You could feel the small pinpricks stinging lightly on your face as your blood ran rampant through your body. You just needed to get a hold of yourself. You took a deep breath, taking in the scent of the night air and of the dirt beneath you.

Smells like rain.

You could feel your heart beating rapidly in your chest, the throb making you feel even more uncomfortable as you kneeled over in the grass shivering. Miniscule beads of sweat had broken out along your brow. You could feel them as they ran lightly down your forehead and down the nape of your neck. They felt so cold against your skin. You felt so warm sitting out here, yet you were still shivering. The hot and cold seemed to clash then though, making your body temperature drop violently. You continued to shiver silently in the grass outside your home.

Just get up and go inside before you get sick you idiot.

You took another deep breath, feeling a chill slither its way down your spine before finally opening your eyes again. You watched as all the color blotches swirled and sparkled before your eyes in the darkness. They flashed and spun around, looking as if lights were flashing over the walls outside both homes instead. Your eyes adjusted, allowing you to look up at both of the empty houses again.

The rain seemed to drench everything around you, making the world go hazy and bleed colors before your very eyes. You bit back the impending tears, merely watching the now-deserted house for what you felt was the last time. The lights continued to fade and swirl before you: red, blue, red, blue. They clashed together sometimes, staining the whiteness of the sheet. They were fighting each other, fighting for dominance in tainting the purity of her heart once and for all. Red, blue, red, blue; they swirled and spun, causing your head to spin even more as you shook it, trying to fight the images before you.

You blinked your eyes again, making the tear resting on your lid drop down your cheek. You shook your head as it spun around uncomfortably, making you sway once again. You felt your heart beat steadily faster, a throb now erupting in your temple, adding to your headache as you stared at the ground beneath you.

There’s no red on this ground, no blue either.

You hated this feeling. Right after you threw up or right before you had a panic attack you felt this way. You normally preferred to be unconscious for the better part of it, just because of how disgusting it made you feel. But you just knew that you had to get inside now.

He’ll be home soon, then everything will be better.

You staggered up to your front door, leaning heavily on it with your empty backpack in hand, still trying to steady yourself. You take another deep breath, shakily sliding your key into the front lock and throwing the door open. You just wanted to get inside before you froze to death out here.

Looking around the dark house, you declare it to be empty. Dumping your bag off beside the couch, you step over the threshold, nearly soaked to the bone and freezing cold.

You looked in on the empty house, the door still sitting wide open behind you. The streetlamps half a block down cast small glimmers of light into the room that were barely enough to see by. The orange glow sent off gave the room an abandoned decrepit look that gave you an eerie feeling of everything lying within.

You didn’t think you would ever be able to adjust to being alone. Nothing would ever be the same after this.

Now, more than ever, you didn’t want to be home.

You sigh, stepping further inside, being quiet and cautious. Making noise would alert you to how empty the house felt, and you just wanted to feel as empty and desolate as the house.

You close the door behind you, shutting out any light’s glow, and hopefully any paranoia always accompanying the turned away armchair in the corner of the room. You snap the lock shut behind you, hoping that all of this you were feeling was just that…a feeling.

You were just going to wait for him to get home. After all, simply seeing him would make you feel better. After all of this, you knew it would be just the two of you.

A strong sense of deja-vu overwhelms you as the darkness of your living room encompasses you, no longer feeling as empty as it had before.

That’s just a feeling. There’s no one here, and there will neverbe anyone here anymore.

You know you had gone through this routine before, everything was so familiar to you that you could even smell the scents that had long since vanished. It weighed too heavy on your heart, and you were already groggy enough as it is.

You reach out shakily, grabbing for the couch to your left, instead of edging along the wall of the living room. But you stub your toe against the edge of the couch before you even get a chance to grasp it, causing a sharp sting to shoot up your leg and make you wobble unsteadily.

“Fuck.” You breathe.

A deafening smack drowns out the word just uttered, sending a sting along the side of your face and a ringing throughout your ears deep into your skull.

You scream, completely shocked and unknowing to what just happened.

You stumble backwards, trying to grip onto the couch for the support to stay upright. But your previous lightheadedness and the force of habit causes you to crumble directly to the floor, whimpering as your back collides with it forcefully and your arm is dragged along the back of the couch, bringing more trickles of pain running through it.

What just happened? Who’s here?

You look around the room quickly, still surprised at the impact. When you fell, the force of the impact and the rugged condition your breathing was in knocked the wind out of you more easily than it would have before. The shock and the pain alone kept you in the position you fell in, exposing you.

Daddy?

His fist collides with your ribs, sending ripples of pain through your sides, as more and more balled hands come at you from what feels like all directions.

Why’s he doing this?

A fist collides with your opposite ribcage as you curl up and try to protect your face, sending a deep throb directly into your bones and all through out your side, trickling down into your lower back, where his next blow was to be centered. You twisted and crumpled as the shocks worked their way all the way up your spine. You were simply trying to avoid all the fists being swung at you, as you hear his ragged breathing settle over you, exerting the scent of alcohol with every blow.

“Stop! Please!”

You whimper, trying to cover your head as his elbow comes down into your exposed stomach, right before his other fist hits you dead center in your back.

“Bitch.” You feel the word collide with his hand, as it comes flat down against your skull, right over your ear, making the ringing drown out anything left to be heard. You let out a silent cry at the pain.

Why Dad?

You can feel yourself becoming more and more disoriented with every blow. He was hitting you everywhere. Your head, your neck, your face, your chest, your stomach…everywhere.

It hurts so bad.

The nausea returns as he continually slams his fist deep into your stomach to bruise your intestines. With every smack to the face it sends a sting that numbs your senses, and with every blow to the head, you feel yourself slipping away more and more into unconsciousness.

Your body goes nearly limp, only the occasional twitch through your body as he hits a spot still sensitive proves you to still be awake…somewhat. You expose yourself to him more as he uses all his energy to continue attacking your body.

Why?

You can feel yourself fading, slipping in and out with every blow as thoughts slip away and memories take over.

I thought he loved me.

Every hit brings you back to consciousness enough to feel it, but not enough to move and try and protect yourself.

What happened to him?

Every hit felt harder than the first Please stop, and it didn’t feel as if he was going to stop now.

Please.

It didn’t seem as if he was going to stop at all.

What did I do?

Tonight, you could die.