Holding On

"Thanks a lot" I muttered as I got up, following Matt. I can't believe Brian was being such an idiot. I mean, sure, I didn't expect them to jump happily to the sight of Matt and them all to be best friends forever, as awesome as it could have been, but Brian crossed the fucking line right there. It was really stupid and very disrespectful. Well, he was drunk out of his mind and I'm sure he wouldn't have done it if he was sober but…it was really uncalled for.

As I got out of the pub, I found Matt smoking there. "Hey" he simply said, letting out a cloud of smoke. The wind messed with the white gas until it faded away.

"I'm sorry about Brian" I said, feeling the need to apologize. After all, I forced him to go there and to stay; it was kind of my fault too. And either way I felt guilty. What Brian did was so humiliating, or so it seemed to me. I can't even imagine how Matt felt.

"It's alright" he said. "I don't really give a damn" he added, dropping the half finished cigarette to the ground and stepping on it. "I really don't get why they're acting like that" I said, sighing. He has never done anything that hurt them. I get that they were shocked when they found out, I was too, but it had been a while now and they've never bothered giving him a chance.

"Well you don't need to understand why; you just need to realize that that's the way it is" Matt said after a little while of silence. "What do you mean?" I asked, not quite getting what he was talking about.

He sighed before answering and looked at me, he seemed as if he was just about to smile, like it almost escapes his mouth; but he didn't. "You can't keep trying to get me back to everyone, there's a damn good reason to the distance that was created between us" he spoke confident with no emotions shown.

That's just not fair. Isn't it enough the he his forced to be something that he doesn't want to be, he also has to do it on his own? It seems so wrong to me. If he's going through something, especially like this, he should be surrounded by his friends, not to be left alone.

"You still don't get it, do you?" he asked looking at me as I shook my head slightly, trying my best to understand. "They are scared of me. And there is a reason for that. And you should be too" he simply said, sounding so serious. "But I'm not" I replied right away, not getting why I should, or need to, be afraid of him. He wouldn't kill me or anything; I'm his friend.

He laughed slightly and then coughed a bit from his laughter. "You're something special, you" he said with a wicked smile on his face. "I've been trying to scare you for so long and you just don't back down" he said looking at me. He looked very amused by this, or maybe he wasn't?

Wait, let me get that straight. What he's saying right now that he was trying to push me out of his life the whole time and I stuck by his side for nothing? Well thanks a lot, Matt! It's nice to know that after everything I've done I wasn't even wanted around.

"You could have said that you didn't want me around" I said as I wondered if I should go home or back to the pub.

"That's not what I meant." He said before I could make up my mind. I looked at him confused; I wasn't going to say anything, he should be the one explaining. "I was trying to scare you for your own good. I've seen what I am able to do." He said simply and I didn't know what to say back. He seemed to have an idea in his head, though, so he kept talking before I had the chance to say a word.

"When it all started, I thought I was just not feeling well. Then weirder things started to happen. I remember the first time I've ever craved for blood. It was in my mind but seemed so real, it scared the shit out of me" he started with a story. He seemed destroyed about the first part.

"I've scared myself with that thought, I was afraid I might be too tempted to resist" he continued but stopped again afterwards. Something in his words made me realize what he was talking about "Val?" I asked quietly, not sure if I want him to hear me or not.

He nodded in answer and then took a deep breathe before continuing talking. "Before I knew it, I found myself somewhere with a random girl and I couldn't help but see what my craving was about. As soon as I realized what I've done I ran away from there, but I couldn't deny how good it tasted." He told me and I realized he was telling me about the first time he bit someone.

"I didn't kill her" he assured me, as if it made him feel better about it "I barely done anything to her, really; I was too scared of myself. I had no idea what happens and what I am able to do; and why." He took another break from speaking. I was trying to understand him, even though thoughts of the poor girl came into my mind; he didn't mean to hurt her, he was just…well, I am sure he just had no choice or something.

"As time kept going" he spoke again, seeing I'm not saying anything. "I found myself wanting the blood. I tried not to, I really did; but it made me weak and sick. I had no choice but give in to my urge and need. I started hunting for blood. And I know it sounds horrible but I tried to make it not as bad as it sounds. I tried to not kill anyone." He said. He sounded as if he wasn't pleased with his action but a wicked smile was held on his face the whole time and I was confused about it.

"But you know how it is with addictive stuff; you always crave for more. Blood is like cigarettes and alcohol; it really is a drug. And I am addicted, not by choice. But you see, the more you get of it; the more you want of it. And my hunger was growing with time." After that, he paused again, probably to let me time to realize, understand and accept everything he was saying. I think he wanted me to understand by myself where it was going to, or at least be ready for it.

When you start drinking, you do it for the sake of having fun. You can't handle a big amount of alcohol at start, but with time you need to drink more and more in order to have the fun as you're drinking for.

"You're getting there." Matt said, making me realize he was looking at me. "Anyway it is bad now, real bad. If I don't kill when I drink, I don't feel anything at all. Honestly, I'm afraid that soon one person won't be enough. And I am scared that anyone will find out. But most, I'm afraid of hurting someone I care about." The wicked smile was gone with the very last part.

"Johnny, I'm being now honest with you; I have no idea what I am able to do." He said and I listened carefully. "I've got no one to ask; all I can do is to find out on my own. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing control, and maybe I am. You need to understand that it is not safe to be around me. If you asked me about it a few months ago I would never think that I would be able to get distanced from my friends. I would never imagine not being able to drink with the guys because it is something I've been doing for years. I would never think it is possible for Leana to miss me off tour because Val and I almost live in the Sullivan house. I could never imagine me not being concerned about the next crazy idea that the Berrys would come up with. I could never see me and Val apart. I wouldn't think it'd be possible to not be updated with everything that happens with everyone. I have never thought I'd be spending days by myself instead of being surrounded by friends. But Johnny, this all has changed"

Everything he said made me realize how much his life has really changed. For me, the only difference is that I don't hang out with all my friends together but for him it's a new reality, it's a new life; everything is different now for him and he needs to learn how to live with it. I was glad for one thing, that I made the right decision of sticking by his side. I was glad that he's not doing it completely alone.

"What I'm trying to say" he continued before I could say anything "is that I pushed those people out of my life just as much as they pushed me out of theirs. And it is for two main reasons. One, as I said, I am dangerous now. I don't want them to be around me when I can't be sure they will get out of this alive. I don't want to hurt any of these I care about. And the other one is that I do believe this is something I need to do, on my own; to figure everything out without being depended on anyone else but myself."

All that he said made sense now, and it made other things make sense as well.

"Now, do you get why I don't want you to try and get people back to me?" I nodded, and honestly understood what he was trying to tell me. I felt a little guilty, I was just trying to help but apparently I was just making things worse. "I'm sorry" I said, looking down. "It's okay" he said. I looked at him again "I'm glad you were there for me" he added with a smile. An honest normal smile; one that I haven't seen from him in a while. It made me feel very proud of myself.

After that we stayed in silence for awhile until he talked again. "You should go back to the guys" he said, the smile from before was replaced with a faker one. "I need to go and all" he said to me, telling me what to do. I nodded. "I'll call you tomorrow or something" I said with a smile and turned around. "Take care, Johnny." He said to me as I started walking back into the pub.