Holding On

As I walked back to the pub, all that Matt had said was sinking in. Matt told me, explained to me, exactly what he was; a killer. My best friend is a serial killer. And I am not even shocked by it.

It sounds so wrong now that he isn't near me to explain. But when he was talking, it all made sense. Now though, it sounds kind of sick. But I'm in too deep now; I can't just turn my back to him like the guys did. Besides, even if I could, I wouldn't do it, I'm not like that.

Of course that I get why he is doing it, and I'm not judging him or anything, but doesn't that make me a bad person? People are getting killed all the time, the killer is someone that I know, know very well, and I don't do a thing to stop it. Moreover, I don't even care; I support him.

My thoughts were cut as I got back to the guys. "I need a drink" I said as I sat down in the table. I felt sober, way too sober. My mind was thinking still of all that Matt had said. Have I changed too? Does his new self affect who I am, the way I look at things, how I feel and what I do? How much have he changed anyway?

"Oh damn, we better go to some pub or something!" Jimmy said, making everyone laugh as I just faked a smile. I noticed some shots on the table and gladly offered myself.

I didn't really pay attention to the guys. All I could think of was Matt's words. How can he even live with himself knowing he takes someone's life away? Every person that dies is a whole world being destroyed along with people who suddenly has a hole in their lives.

"Johnny" a drunken voice cut me out of my thoughts. I looked toward where it had come from, seeing Brian looking at me unfocused. When he didn't say anything, Jimmy elbowed him and caused him to speak. "I'm sorry" he said, not explaining anything until Jimmy glared at him. "About the vampie thing" he added. I just nodded, not really caring about that anymore. Sure, I still think Brian was being an idiot and shouldn't have acted that way, but it doesn't really matter I guess.

None of them talked to me now so I let my self drown back in thoughts. The thought of a person being ripped out of someone's life was ringing in my mind. From everything I've ever been through there was nothing that have made me feel as helpless and hopeless as I was when someone close to me died. I have had more than one person I care about dying during my life, but the most traumatic one was way back in high school, when a good friend of mine died.

He was still so young and it came by a surprise to everyone. The little group I was in way back was literally falling apart. The first step was drugs; we all escape reality with help of it. Man, this was a habit that didn't leave me alone for years. After awhile though we still haven't gotten over it, not even enough to keep living normally. One of us ended up moving out of the city, another one went to a different school, and I…I ended up fighting with the rest and started hanging out with older people.

"What's wrong, Cowboy?" Jimmy suddenly asked, ripping me out of my thoughts. I looked at him; chilled blue eyes were watching me, waiting for an answer. I just shook my head slightly. "Just…thoughts…" I said, hoping he'd let it go. Because really, nothing was wrong and I don't need to talk to anyone, just to think this out and I'll be fine. But knowing Jimmy, if he wouldn't let it go I'll end up talking to him not only about the Matt thing but every single thing going through my mind, he has that quality of making people talk.

"Alright" he said, his eyes still investigating me and my facial expression. "Don't look so miserable, then" he added, making me laugh a little.

Instead of getting myself back to what I've escaped years ago, I decided to focus on the present. And that is how my mind went back to Matt. I couldn't help but feel bad for him. It must be quite a horrible feeling to cause people so much pain and misery. But also another thought crawled to my mind, one that I tried to keep away from there. That thought claimed that he enjoys it.

I feel like a shitty friend for even thinking that when obviously he is forced to kill not by choice. But from his actions, words and look on the face, he doesn't seem to be suffering that much. The wicked smile he had on his face, the temptation he was talking about, the taste of blood and how he didn't seem ashamed admitting that he is killing people for his own good.

He does it to survive, I know. He's weak without blood, yeah I heard that. He can't go on without it; I know all that vampire crap. But what if these are just lies, or excuses? What if he actually likes it and does it for fun. Or if he made himself believe it's true when really all of it is just in his mind?

Well, it was probably all in my mind. It is all in my mind, dammit. I know Matt. I've known Matt for years. He wouldn't do that just for fun. Yes, I bet this whole thing has changed him but I am completely sure that he doesn't just do it for fun. It's not something he would do; he's too much of a good person.

"Johnny?" a voice ripped me off my thoughts again. I looked at Zacky questioning. "You…don't seem to really be here" he said. "I'm kind of thinking" I said with a fake smile.

For some unknown reason, Brian saw my answer as an invitation for him to come sit on me. The drunk tattooed man sat on my lap as he wrapped one arm around my shoulders, pretty much just to keep himself from falling. "You're…fat…" I mumbled from underneath him, trying to breathe.

"Listen, Seward. You are worrying yourself with thoughts and burning your brain" he explained, looking at a random spot somewhere. "You need to chill out and drink in" he continued his explanation as I tried to push him off me. "Seriously, Brian, you're a cow!" I said from underneath him. He was sitting right on my bones and that fucking hurt.

My phone was vibrating in my pocket, causing Brian to jump off me. "Your pocket attacked me!" Brian claimed annoyed as he sat back in his own chair. "No, you attacked the pocket" I said, causing a confused look to appear on his face.

Taking the device out of my pocket I looked at the screen to see one new text message from Matt. 'I left my car outside for you so you could drive home safely instead of a death ride with drunk peeps' I couldn't help but laugh at it.

"What is that?" Zacky asked and before I knew it my phone was taken away from me. Jimmy and Brian both got closer to Zacky in order to read the text.

"I can not read that" Brian said laughing. "The letters are dancing! I… L… E… No, stop moving dammit!" he kept going like that, amusing himself. He was really being an idiot, Matt did have a point.

"He's a killer and we are the one called death ride?" Jimmy said sounding offended.

'Zacky what does it say? Zacky? What does it say?' I heard Brian asking Zacky who just shut him up.

"Uhh Johnny you have another text" Zacky's voice reached to my ears but I wasn't listening, I just stared at Jimmy shocked, not knowing quite what to say.

Who gives him the right to call Matt like that? Who is he to talk? He always thinks he knows everything but, no Jimmy, you don't. And you don't know what this man is going through but sure as hell you're not helping him! And besides letting drunk idiots drive a car is indeed a death ride what are you complaining about?

I had so many things to tell him at that moment and no idea what I want him to really hear.

"You…" I started saying but couldn't make it into a sentence. "He…" I tried again, only to fail. "Well…fuck off, alright? You just don't have any right talking about him!" I snapped annoyed and ripped my phone out of Zacky's hands so I could get out of there.

Yes, I overacted, way overacted but dammit I've had it with their way of thinking that they can just talk about him as if he isn't a person anymore. I'm just so fucking sick of it because they have no idea about anything. They just don't fucking know.

And maybe, maybe my guilt was the real reason for it. Because deep inside, I knew that he was right. Deep inside, I knew that he said what I didn't dare to say.