Not a Second to Waste

Beeping has always been a sound that annoys me and now, there was a constant beeping that was waking me up. There was a hand in mine and I could hear a slight snore, recognizing it as my brother’s. I opened my eyes and saw the familiar walls of a hospital room. The machinery was around me and I sighed, remembering the crash, a glance at the clock mounted on the wall and I saw that it had happened well over twelve hours ago. I sighed, a glance at my arm and I saw a cast. My head was aching and I wasn’t sure if anything else was broken. My entire body hurt. I could remember the crash vividly. I could remember it all; my passing out, my slight revival in the ambulance, it was all so clear.

“Eric,” I whispered. “Eric, wake up.”

“Holly,” He said, waking up. “You’re up!”

“Was I out longer than I thought?”

“About a day and a half, Holly,” he muttered. “You had us all scared to death.”

“Where are mom and dad?”

“Cafeteria probably, they were here when I fell asleep."

I took this time to assess myself now that I was more alert. Aside from my arm, nothing was broken, but my entire body was in pain. My torso was experiencing sharp spasms and my head was pounding. I could feel the stitches on the side of my face. I sighed, knowing I wouldn’t b able to play soccer for quite awhile. But then, I remembered, I hadn’t played soccer in nearly a year. I hadn’t been able to hate myself like I was loathing myself right now in a long time. Soccer was my life; one of my greatest accomplishments was scoring the only two goals in the championship against Saguaro High School. I recalled this fondly, passing over the times when Jess Bowen had screamed in frustration. I stopped abruptly. I hadn’t been able to remember that before. I hadn’t been able to remember anything before. Not like this.

Memories began to come back as I called them. It was shocking, overwhelming, as though I was relearning everything about my life, which, to be honest, I was. I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten so much. Parts of my life that were just too much of me to be forgotten had been lost.

“Eric,” I said softly. “I remember.”

“Remember what exactly?” He asked.

“Everything,” I replied. “Beating Saguaro, my relationship with James, going out with Garrett late at night, you pushing me down the stairs when I was ten. My entire life, Eric.”

“Holy shit!”

Tears leaked out of my eyes and down my face. I had never expected to be so emotional when I got my memory back, but this feeling was so incredible. My mind was racing a mile per minute, trying to catch up with the life I had forgotten. How could I have forgotten my twelfth birthday when I got the best gift, a camera, and the worst, my first period? How had I forgotten that time at soccer camp when I was fourteen and Stephen Gomez kissed me underneath the night sky? I couldn’t do anything but cry. It was the only normal reaction I could have.

“Holly!” My mother said entering the room. “Are you in pain sweetie? Why are you are crying?”

“I’ve never been better, actually.”

“You have a broken arm and eight stitches on your face, not to mention multiple bumps and bruises and you are saying that you’ve never been better? William, do you think she has a concussion?” She turned at the end to address my father.

“No, mom,” I told her. “I have my memory back.”

“What? William, go get the doctor!” She urged, coming closer to me.

Eric had stepped back, sitting back down in the chair he had been sleeping in when I woke, while my mother fussed over me. She was jabbering on about me and how she was so happy I was okay, and so thrilled that I had regained my memory. There were tears falling down her face, and I tried to tell her not to cry, but she wouldn’t let me speak. When my father came back into the room, followed by Dr. Johnson, she finally shut up.

“How are you feeling, Holly?” She asked me. “Your father said that you got your memory back.”

“I did, I can remember everything. I mean some things are still a bit hazy, but I can remember most everything.”

“That’s good.”

I was not released from the hospital that day, or even the next, but on the third day, I was able to go home. Nobody had been to see me, besides my family and Garrett, and I hadn’t talked about anybody but myself, because no one would let me. I didn’t question why Nick didn’t come to see me, because I already knew the answer. He had to leave for California the day after the wreck. I wondered if anyone had called to tell him about the accident I had been in, but I didn’t ask. Nick was coming back today, I knew that from when he first told me he had to leave and I wondered if he would come see me, and I figured, even if he hadn’t heard, he would come and see me anyways. I was dying to see him. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him about me.

Nick met me when I was still feeling down about myself. He met me when I was vulnerable and ready to give up on my old life. He helped me out when I needed him to. He helped me discover how to find myself in a new way. Never did he question why I did the things I did or ask me why I was giving up. Our relationship wasn’t about my unfortunate accident; it was about who I was now and who I would be in the future, with him as he was. I knew that I didn’t love him. I couldn’t love him. It was too soon for me to even think about saying I love you to him. It was too soon for him to think about saying it to me. But I knew that I could fall in love. It would be easy to do.

“Well, I have to go to work,” My dad said. “But if you need anything, call me and I’ll come home, okay?”

“Dad, I’ll be fine. Eric is going to be here and so is mom.”

“Even so, if they’re being mean to you, I’ll come home and make them stop,” he said with a wink.

“I’m sure I’ll be able to manage.”

They had been talking like that for days. Saying if I needed anything don’t hesitate to ask, or call. That if someone was being mean, to call one of them and they would get that person to stop. I understand that they were all just being thankful that I was alive, grateful that my memory was back, but I couldn’t fathom why they had to be fawning over me. They had to know that I hated that; hadn’t I made that clear when I was younger? They had to know that I hated people thinking I was incapable of doing something. They loved me and I love them, it’s easy enough for me to say, for me to think, for me to feel, but I couldn’t work up the courage to tell them to stop because I feel as though maybe they would take it the wrong way.

“I swear I am fine, can you all please stop fawning over me,” I pleaded. “I will ask if I need help and I am sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I’m okay.”

“She does have a point,” Eric pointed out.

“I wasn’t aware you felt that way Holly,” My mother said. “I should have known though. Okay, I’ll be out back in the garden and if you need something, just come find me.”

“Bye, sweetie.”

Finally, I relaxed onto the couch, lying on it pathetically. The television was turned onto a channel I didn’t care about, some show playing silently in the background. I was lost in my thoughts; going through my memories, playing them like a broken record, marveling over everything. It felt so new to me, even though I could recall them like my best friends’ name. The memories made me want to smile and laugh and cry. They made me want to go back to those times and relive them all over again. Some of them made me cringe with embarrassment and others made me want to laugh in amusement. These memories were what made me who I am and I couldn’t change them for the world. Because now I know who I am and I like who this person is.

A knock on the door and Eric called out that he would get it. An exchange of hello’s and I knew who was at the door and I smiled, happy. I had been waiting to see the boy that came knocking. The one who had helped me find my way back to myself. Something about him had helped me more than so many other people during the time I was somebody else. An imposter of Holly Halvorsen, that’s exactly what I was.

“Hey Holly,” Nick said.

“Hello?” I said looking at him, keeping a straight face. “Are you a friend of Eric’s?”

“Excuse me?” He said, his eyebrows furrowing and a look of pure astonishment on his friend.

“Holly, do you not recognize him?” Eric said slowly.

“No, am I supposed to?”

“Holy shit,” Eric responded.

“Do you, do you think I should go?” Nick said softly.

“I’m only kidding,” I laughed. “Sorry, I thought it would be a good joke.”

Nick looked at me oddly as Eric laughed dryly. “You’ll have to excuse my sister, Nick. She always did have a bad sense of humor.”

“I’m sorry, Nick. I had to do it though.”

“It’s alright. You scared me for a moment, though.”

“Sorry,” I laughed. “Do you want to go out to the front yard? I’m tired of being stuck inside.”

“Sure thing,” he said, reaching out to help me up.

Outside the sun was shining, the heat was intense, and it made me realize why I love Arizona. The cold weather doesn’t set well with me. Nick sat across from me in the grass, watching as I plucked pieces of grass out of the ground, a smile on my face.

“I heard you did get your memory back.”

“I did,” I looked up at him, “it feels great.”

“I could imagine. Do I get to know the real you, now?”

“If you want,” I told him. “I think that I am different from the person I was a few days ago.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I am more confident, less self-conscious. I have a bad sense of humor and talk about things you probably won’t ever care about.”

“Well, I think I want to get to know the real you. The person that you are rather than who you were. Though, to be honest, I have a feeling that who you were a few days, really is who you are now.”

“Why is that?”

“Because it was how you adapted.”

He had a point. I smiled up at him and nodded my head, turning my head to gaze up at the sky. I moved closer to him and he wrapped an arm around me, pulling me closer, before bending down slightly and kissing me. It was a different kind of a kiss. Filled with more passion and sincerity than he had ever kissed me with before. It felt nice to be kissed like that. To know that he wasn’t going to be wasting any time.

“Wow,” I said.

“I really do like you, Holly.”

“I know. I really like you, Nick.”

“We really don’t have a second to waste,” he said. “So I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”

“You’re touring soon,” I noted. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too. But this relationship, it will be stronger than ever.”

I kissed Nick again. There really wasn’t a second to waste. Not in life, because it can be too short for anything to really begin. You have to grasp it by the wrists and make the best of it. Live each day like it was your last. That was how I wanted to live, with my family behind me and Nick next to me. This life was one I wanted to make the best of. I had spent too many months wallowing because of an accident, but I had been living. I hadn’t gotten that memo early enough and I had wasted so much time. I had learned a lot during the months I hadn’t been myself. I learned that I had been myself. I had come even more into my own. For the rest of my life I knew how I should spend my days and I would be damned if I did it any differently. This is my life and I was going to make it so damn memorable because there’s not a second to waste.